Category: Uncategorized

# 335, Sept. 18, 2004

COLUMBUS: For years Martha Stewart has set the example for us ordinary folks on cooking, cleaning and decorating. Now she is the perfect role model for her fellow criminals.

Just imagine how great this country could become if every lawbreaker said, “Put me in jail now, I’m ready to serve my time.” Why, it would clean up our streets, and our boardrooms. The only downside is so many trial lawyers would be out of work we’d have to invent thousands of new elective offices just to keep them occupied.

Bush and Kerry are still acting like Ohio will decide the election. Laura Bush was in Columbus this week. John Edwards spent two days in southeast Ohio where he was followed by five inches of rain from Ivan. Dick Cheney will be here Monday night. I don’t know what the Vice-President will say, but he’s liable to tell Ohio, “You better make the right choice Nov. 2 if you don’t want the country to see more hurricanes, floods and tornados.”

The Republicans have called me every day for a week inviting me to see Mr. Cheney. Today a letter came in the mail from James Carville asking me not to, and could I please send some money to the Democrats.

But Mr. Cheney’s main competition Monday night will be Baxter Black. He’s about the best cowboy poet/speaker/humorist around today, so I’ll go see him because he’s not running for anything. It’s Baxter’s only visit to Ohio this fall, and I figure there’ll be many occasions yet to see Bush/Cheney/Kerry/Edwards.

I thought about escaping to Oklahoma to get away from all the Presidential bickering – Bush and Kerry have pretty much ignored the Sooner voters – then I read in the paper what the Oklahoma Senate candidates are saying about each other and decided to take my chances in Ohio. For now.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

These historic quotes that follow have been absolutely, positively authenticated to be from Will Rogers’ own typewriter and published in the New York Times. That’s for the newspaper columns. If the quotes are from a radio broadcast, you can rest assured they are indisputably valid because folks across the country heard them on CBS.

“Politics pretty quiet over the week_end. Democrats are attacking and the Republicans are defending. All the Democrats have to do is promise “what they would do if they got in.” But the Republicans have to promise “what they would do” and then explain why they haven’t already “done it.”
I do honestly believe the Republicans have reformed and want to do better. But whether they have done it in time to win the election is another thing. The old voter is getting so he wants to be saved before October every election year. DT #1917, Sept. 26, 1932

[Concerning incumbent presidents] “a voter just goes to the polls and if he has got a dollar you stay in, and if he ain’t got a dollar, you go out. The memory of a voter is about as long as a billy goat. So it is all going to depend on how (President) Hoover makes out the last year.” Radio Broadcast, April 20, 1930

# 334, Sept. 11, 2004

COLUMBUS: Today was unusual in Ohio. No presidential candidates.

President Clinton is home following a quadruple heart bypass. He seems to be doing fine, promises to reform his diet, and the only downside is that McDonalds stock dropped $8.

News out of Florida is the same. First Charley, then Frances. Next is Ivan. Ivan warmed up on Grenada and Jamaica, and is taking aim at Florida, but nobody knows exactly what part. For Florida it’s kinda like Dodgeball. They don’t know which way to jump. Seems the only safe direction is North.

Here’s what might be called, in the big media business, a public service announcement. If you have a hankerin’ to get yourself shot with only one or two bullets, time is running out. Thanks to the NRA, come Monday, if you’re shot you’ll likely be hit with at least 20 or 30 bullets before the guy can get his finger off the trigger.

As I say, the NRA is arranging it, but Congress seconded the motion, and the President kinda abstained. Now you ask any of these folks privately if they favor giving these assault weapons to criminals and they’ll tell you “No”. But being an election year, they feel obliged to vote “yes”. They’ve all got it figured, both Republicans and Democrats, that losing a few constituents to multiple gunshot wounds is better than losing votes. And besides, the voters most likely to get shot are the Undecideds, so where’s the harm in that?

After Monday you won’t have to listen to a hunter complain, “I would have got that squirrel for sure, but I only had ten bullets in the clip.”

Well, three years has passed since those radical Islamic terrorists hijacked four airplanes and changed the world. There were memorials held in New York and all over America today. A hundred thousand of us got to see a lovely and moving tribute before, and at half time of, a college football game between Ohio State University and Marshall.

While we’re remembering the victims, and spending billions or even trillions so it doesn’t happen again, there’s others around the world celebrating our heartache, and the murder of hundreds of Russian school children last month. Old bin Laden is still on the loose, thumbing his nose at us. Remember, it took us a few years to trap Dillinger and Capone, too, but we got ’em.

If you want to read and see a marvelous tribute to 9/11 go to this web site: http://www.angelsoveramerica.com/ Carolyn Long wrote a beautiful poem, and got some fine professionals to put it to music and produce a first class video.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“There should be a moratorium called on candidates’ speeches. They have both called each other everything in the world they can think of. From now on they are just talking themselves out of votes… Now instead of calling each other names, why you can do everybody a big favor by going fishing, and you will be surprised but the old United States will keep right on running while you boys are sitting on the bank. “ DT #1948, Nov. 1, 1932

# 333, Sept. 2, 2004

COLUMBUS: Wow, it’s over in New York. The Republicans went with Bush and Cheney again.

Remember when folks wanted Kerry to choose John McCain as his V-P? Well, if he had, Bush could have opted for Zell Miller… and the next two months would have made the Gunfight at the OK Corral look like a lovefest.

The Georgia Democrat made a lot of friends among Republicans. Did you hear him last night? Millions across the country heard him, and most of them didn’t even need a television. Zell Miller was intense, penetrating, LOUD.

If the President gets re-elected I predict he’ll find a spot for Zell. Maybe if Tom Ridge retires, he’ll take over as director of Homeland Security. He would save millions of dollars. See, you take a picture of Zell where he was scowling at Kerry in that speech last night, blow it up real big, and place those side by side on all of our borders. No terrorist or illegal alien would dare try to sneak in. Zell’s picture would scare the hell out of them.

We wouldn’t need all those border guards. You cross old Zell and he’ll take you out in a duel. Homeland Security would be a one-man operation.

Florida is bracing for another hurricane. Ohio is fortifying for a deluge. Florida gets wind and rain; Ohio gets wind. Mr. Kerry and Edwards are in Springfield tonight. Why, the balloons are still dropping in New York and these fellows are picking up a microphone in Ohio. Mr. Bush won’t be far behind. After a pause in Pennsylvania tonight he’ll land in Cleveland tomorrow.

If you say a prayer tonight, pray for Florida. And if you got time, put in an extra word for Ohio. Relief here is not as necessary, but still appreciated.

Historical quotes from Will Rogers:

“…may the best team win; that is, the best for the country, be it Democratic or Republican, for a guiding hand in any business now needs encouragement and especially in guiding the biggest business in the world. Lord, what a tough time to have a country on your hands!” Convention Articles, Republican Convention, closing article, June 17, 1932

“Coolidge made less speeches and got more votes than any man that ever run. (William Jennings) Bryan was listened to and cheered by more people than any single human in politics, and he lost. So there is a doubt just whether talking does you good or harm.” DT #673, Sept. 21, 1928

“This country has gotten where it is in spite of politics, not by the aid of it. That we have carried as much political bunk as we have and still survived shows we are a super nation.” DT #1948, Nov. 1, 1932

# 332, August 25, 2004

MORGANTOWN, West Va.: The Olympic Games are wrapping up. Just in time, too. Our women have been so great in Athens, the men are ready for football. Our USA women are winning in basketball, softball, soccer, beach volleyball and gymnastics to name a few. Meanwhile the men lost to Puerto Rico and Lithuania in basketball, and in soccer and baseball they fared even worse. So here’s to our women, the new rulers of American sports.

You know, it’s not surprising. I read where a survey of ten-year olds found that the girls liked playing sports just as much as the boys. So fellows, if you don’t put down the Nintendo and pick up a bat or ball instead, we’ll soon be overrun, if not already.

The Republicans are ready to swarm into New York for the Bush Follies. Senator Kerry was there yesterday, kind of in the role of a warm up act. The only crowd he drew was the gathering protesters, and they started booing just out of habit till they were reminded that Bush is the candidate they are called on to hiss and holler at, not Kerry. Kerry was last month in Boston.

I read where some organization of American women (I can’t remember which one) says President Bush doesn’t understand women, and neither does Senator Kerry. Well, up to about eighty years ago our Presidential candidates didn’t even recognize women, let alone understand them. My suggestion for this organization (whatever it is), is to come up with a candidate with a perfect understanding of women. It would be a feat unsurpassed in American politics, and the person would be a shoo-in for President. World issues would fade away, defeated by superior intellect and intuition. Why, Osama bin Laden would crawl out of his cave, give up, and tell the new President to pocket the $50 million bounty. This splendid individual with such a remarkable grasp of complex affairs could not only be President, but simultaneously serve as Pope, baseball commissioner, and, every four years, judge the Olympic gymnastic competitions.

So we’re all pulling for those women to name their candidate. Only problem will be getting them to agree on just one.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“… it’s a great game, this Convention game is. I don’t suppose there is a show in the World with as much sameness in it as it has got. You know exactly what each speaker is going to say before he says it…. You know before you go who will be nominated. You know the platform will always be the same: promise everything, deliver nothing. I really don’t think any such proceedings could be carried on in any other civilized country in the World except ours. You cuss yourself for sitting day in and day out and looking at such nonsense. But the next four years find you back there again.” WA #289, July 8, 1928

[The 1932 Olympics in Los Angeles was the first to include women’s competition]
“Well with us right in the middle of the Olympics, we are just bogged down in swimmers, up to our ears in pole vaulters. It’s been great fun, and a wonderful sight to see… About ten days ago before it started why one day out at our studio they brought all the girl athletes out there for lunch and to see the studio… You musent miss meeting this Texas wildcat “Tex” Didrickson [Mildred “Babe” Didrickson Zaharias], she just believes that she can do anything, and the funny part about it is she can. There is none of the sports that she can’t do and do well. She is an athletic marvel…. Then I met that day Helen Madison, our great swimmer, then Georgie Coleman, oh and dozens of others.

A big pretty blonde girl from Germany spoke good English, said she was a javelin thrower. Javelin? Why that’s a little light thing like a spear. Why this girl could have heaved a horse, much less a javelin.

Two girls from Mexico, one was a fencer, one was a javelin thrower. The Canadian girls I believe as a whole were about the prettiest of any of our foreign visitors. The Japanese had a great bunch, and funny thing there was only one girl from France, just one here. I guess France is kinder slow having women taking up boxing, and wrestling, and running and jumping. Still they don’t mind ’em doing a lot of work in the fields. I have see ’em pitching hay and hauling manure to the fields.

Course I don’t know how this women thing doing all these games is. I mean I can’t just get my mind made up about it. But I guess it’s all right. They just as well be doing that as in some other devilment. It sure does make ’em take care of their health. Course some say that it will be bad for ’em in the long run, but I doubt it. You know women always could endure more than men. They are superior to the so-called male.

So I reckon that it’s only a matter of time that they will not only be doing the same games as the men…” WA #502, August 7, 1932

# 331, August 15, 2004

COLUMBUS: It’s a pleasure to be able to write to you today. You’ll know I mean that in all honesty when I remind you of the significance of August 15. See, it was on this date in 1935 that Will Rogers and world renowned pilot Wiley Post died when Wiley’s plane crashed at Point Barrow, Alaska.

The Ohio State Fair ended today, and for some of us old timers a Fair can be just as exhausting as a presidential campaign, even if it only lasts 12 days. August has been mighty cool, more like late September. Good for a fair, but not so great for growing corn.

Young folks from 4-H, FFA and other fine organizations were showcasing their livestock and various skills. I sponsored the 4-H Rope competition. If you think about it, this seems like a natural thing to do. Then I found out it was mainly about knots, not lassoing. But we had a lot of fun and got a bunch of these kids up front with lassos performing flat loops for the crowds.

My friend Gery Deer put on a kind of impromptu “Wild West Whip Show” one afternoon and drew a bigger crowd, more laughs and more applause than some of the regular performers. Mr. Busch’s Clydesdales were here and those horses drew more attention than any automobile on the grounds.

[If you’re interested, go to www.4hengineering.osu.edu and click on Pictures]

Florida got pounded by Bonnie and Charley. Folks down there at Punta Gorda need all the help you can spare. I do have one suggestion for them: if you live along one of these hurricane beaches in a light trailer, it might be wise to leave the wheels on the trailer for a quick get away.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on Florida hurricanes, plus)

“Let’s lay off politics today and get down to something necessary and worth while. I don’t think we are taking enough interest in this Florida relief as we should. Florida is in real need. The Red Cross needs much greater funds than have been sent.
I know giving to campaign funds this year when the competition is so keen has about got everybody broke, but I think Florida is worth more to us than trying to get the post offices for the next four years.” DT #672, Sept. 20, 1928

“Take your campaign contribution and send it to the Red Cross, and let the election be decided on its merits.” DT #673
[Note: A hurricane struck Florida Sept. 16, 1928, and killed 1500 and left 15,000 homeless. Two years earlier a hurricane killed 372 in Florida and Will wrote about it and helped raise $30,000 for the relief effort.]

“When I die, my epitaph, or whatever you call those signs on gravestones, is going to read ‘I joked about every prominent man of my time, but I never met a man I didn’t like.’ I’m so proud of that I can hardly wait to die so it can be carved. And when you come around my grave you’ll probably find me sitting there proudly reading it.” June 16, 1930, comments at Tremont Baptist Church, in Boston, Mass.

# 330, August 3, 2004

OTTAWA, Ont.: Four days removed from even a hint of Presidential campaigning is tremendously refreshing. For a national capital, this place has been mighty calm.

I figure they got the right idea in Canada, or at least the right timing. This wonderful city gets so cold in winter, they don’t want to waste any of their precious few summer days debating politics. They save those heated arguments for winter. Even if you disagree totally, the excess heat generated by the opposition is much appreciated when it’s 40 below.

I did read in the local paper, “The Globe and Mail”, about a mild discussion (not yet lukewarm), they are having on what to do with appointees of a defeated party. When Jean Cretian got knocked out as Prime Minister, it seems he paid out $2,000,000 to get a bunch of them to leave. The opposition says this is excessive, even in Canadian dollars. Others suspect the severance is getting so high the appointees are voting against their own party, just for the chance to collect.

I got to meet one of the new boys in the government, Wayne Easter. He is kinda like our Secretary of Agriculture, and is a bonefide old time farmer. He and I were both here at a big international convention of agricultural and biological engineers; he is here as the main speaker, and I’m here with the understanding that my speaking is mainly limited to quiet conversation.

Mr. Easter reminded the engineers from south of the border that trade with Canada is worth more than $350 Billion a year, and it is a shame to let one old Holstein milk cow that slipped across with BSE put a damper on all that trade. The ranchers can’t sell their cattle, so they are about ready to drive millions of ’em across the border into North Dakota and Montana. The argument is really with Japan, but that’s too far to drive ’em. Twenty years ago Wendy’s asked, “Where’s the beef?” Today, it’s in Canada.

Here’s the most surprising statistic. When I was kidding about going to Canada to escape the campaign in Ohio, Mr. Easter said, “That’s strange, in your Presidential election years we get fewer American tourists, not more.” I am still pondering on that peculiar bit of news. Maybe Canada is too close, so instead they escape to Europe.

Historical quotes from Will Rogers:

“OTTAWA, Ont.: Arrived Canada capital today. More sentiment here to be annexed by Mexico than by America. They know us too well. If we get any nation to join us it will have to be some stranger. We only have one reason for wanting Canada, and a modification of the Volstead Act [Prohibition] will eliminate it.” DT #49, Oct. 11, 1926

“Canada has a big Congress of some kind at Ottawa, and for a family that is kin [to us] why they get along pretty well. They all agreed to buy from each other, and they will till somebody comes along and sells cheaper. But they are mighty patriotic, that English empire, and when the real show-down comes they will stick together…
Canada is a mighty good neighbor and a mighty good customer. That’s a combination that is hard to beat.” WA #505, August 28, 1932

# 329, July 30, 2004

COLUMBUS: Like most of you this week, I’ve been watching television. One night, in the same time slot, we saw Last Comic Standing, Extreme Makeover and the Democratic National Convention.

It was confusing. When Dennis Kucinich left the stage I swear I saw a phone number where you could vote to bring him back next week. When a commentator marveled at Mrs. Heinz-Kerry’s appearance at age 65, I was thankful they skipped the part where they show the crayon marks on the face and the bandages.

All the signs said it was the Democratic National Convention, but I hardly recognized it. No fights over the platform. No arguments over seating the delegates. No hissing the speakers.

Even Senator Lieberman saw the transformation, and quoted “me” on television to prove it, “The Democrat Party of this convention sure is not the one Will Rogers joked about when he said ‘I’m not a member of any organized political party… I’m a Democrat.'”

Mr. Kerry and Mr. Edwards both made fine speeches. They were speeches aimed at persuading the undecided American voter, all 17 of them. They are already counting on the votes of the 5000 delegates in the hall, and most of the 15,000 journalists.

Speaking of make overs, tonight I heard where you can get liposuction on the installment plan. Kinda like buying a new car, the doctor removes the fat, and you pay him over the next 36 months, plus interest about 12 percent above Mr. Greenspan’s rate.

I wonder how many renege on the deal, and stop payment on the loan? How would you like to be the repo guy? And just how would that work? I suppose they would have to haul around a wash tub filled with excess flesh, and if you don’t pay up, they pump it back in.

It’s a great business for the plastic surgeons because by the time the payments run out you’ll likely have gained it all back and you’ll want it drawn off again.

Kerry and Bush are coming to Ohio tomorrow, so I’m heading for Canada. They’ll both set up a permanent camp here, leaving only for short day trips to Michigan, Pennsylvania and West Virginia, with an occasional weekend in Florida. By November, you folks in the quiet, peaceful, uncontested states are going to owe Ohio. Big time.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: Democratic Convention, 1932

“No convention today. The Democrats met, talked, agreed and adjourned. So the day was a total loss. The convention officially opens tomorrow.

It wasn’t even a rehearsal today. Nobody fought, nobody even split the party.

Well, if you ever saw a disgusted bunch of people leaving a hall, it was all of us today.

Here people had traveled hundreds of miles, joined delegations, some come as spectators and paid fancy prices to see what? To see 1,100 delegates sit there and act like a lot of Republicans.

Why, there wasn’t an argument in a carload.

Cheered everything; hissed nothing, why it made me almost ashamed I was a Democrat! Here we have written about it, advertised it as a combat, a gigantic struggle of candidates, and conflicting platforms, and then everybody goes out kissing each other.” Convention Articles, June 27, 1932

“They was Democrats today, and we was all proud of ’em. They fought, they fit, they split, and adjourned in a dandy wave of dissension. That’s the old Democratic spirit. A whole day wasted and nothing done. I tell you they are getting back to normal.” Convention Articles, June 29, 1932

# 328, July 21, 2004

PHOENIX, Ariz.: It’s hot here. Now that won’t surprise most of you, but when the Chamber of Commerce admits it’s hot, you know it’s news. Even the Chamber knows it’s a just a tad short of sizzling, but they’ll remain optimistic as long as there’s enough electricity to run the air conditioners. And enough water. Lord knows where it’ll come from, but there’s millions of people living out here in a desert, full of faith the water will keep on showing up.

I’m here at a convention with fifteen hundred professional speakers. Wow, 1500 speakers. I know what you’re thinkin’… it must be a tremendously big meeting to bring in all those speech makers. Well, it is a tremendous meeting. But it’s all speakers. Nobody else. They have gathered here at the JW Marriott Desert Ridge Resort and Spa, in this 110 degree Arizona heat, to listen and learn from each other.

This National Speakers Association favors hot air. Kinda like the Phoenix Chamber, they thrive on hot air. Every July they pick out a hot spot for a convention. Now, if you ask any speaker, “where’s your favorite location to speak in the middle of summer?”, you’ll hear places like Vail, The Greenbrier, Banff and Buffalo. (Actually Niagara Falls, but Buffalo is funnier, and has the same climate.) But when speakers decide among themselves where to congregate in July, it’s Dallas, New Orleans, San Antonio and Phoenix. Next year it’s Atlanta, and as one speaker hinted, in 2006 they’re planning to convene in a temporary tent in Death Valley.

With all that heat outdoors, every platform speaker knows they have a captive audience. Even the pools are too hot for a swim.

Even without the heat, nobody would walk out on these great speakers. Larry Winget said the most important thing is to “Be yourself”, and know it’s your Style that distinguishes you from all the other speakers. Seth Godin told us to be remarkable, so our ideas get noticed and spread.

NSA President Mark Sanborn summed up with three points on Love: Love what you do. Love who you do it with. Love who you do it for. That reminded me of something “I” said in a speech in 1935… According to the founder of NSA, Cavett Robert, here is what I said in that speech to the American Bar Association in Los Angeles: “If you want to be successful, it’s this simple: Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing.”

Well, I used up so much space gabbing about speakers, hardly any left for news. Alan Greenspan decided maybe we should pay some interest on the dough we borrow. Here lately it has been pretty much free… now it’ll cost us a percent and a quarter. Martha Stewart got sentenced 5 months in Federal Prison and 5 months house arrest. I’ve got a house to suggest for the house arrest… mine. It could use a little fixin’ up. For various and necessary purchases she would have to use her own money. (That would be the only sensible part of the entire sentence.)

Have you seen that security video footage on television? Terrifying. It looked so easy to get past the guards with prohibited items. But how can you fault the guards? Just doing their jobs. And if you can’t trust Sandy Berger, who can you trust.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“I would rather have Arizona’s record as a state than New York with her numbers, Massachusetts with her intellect, or California with her modesty. Arizona prolongs the life of the afflicted as well as makes perpetual the lives of the well.” DT #2158, July 4, 1933

# 327, July 10, 2004

SPRINGFIELD, Ohio:  Well, just like in 1924, my “campaign” for the V-P slot got off the ground too late. When a spell-binding orator has been running for Vice President since February, that’s too many promises for an amateur to overcome in a few hours.

Mr. Kerry seems quite pleased with his choice of John Edwards. His speeches remind a lot of folks of William Jennings Bryan, the “Great Commoner”. You can discount about three-fourths of what the Republicans are saying about him. They weren’t too keen on Bryan either.

The selection gives us an inkling of what a President Kerry would do if bin Laden attacked us again. Nobody has asked him this question, but I know his answer… He would immediately send Vice President Edwards to the World Court, and sue bin Laden for a trillion dollars. I wouldn’t bet against him winning either, because he gets to keep a third. But don’t complain; we get to divvy up the other two-thirds, after deducting expenses, so we would each clear about $12.50.

The new report from Congress says the CIA got it wrong in Iraq when they claimed Saddam Hussein had Weapons of Mass Destruction. But this Congressional report was not absolutely honest either. They said “Saddam didn’t have any WMD.” What it should have said is “he didn’t have any WMD left.” See, when you use up all of your poison gas on the Kurds, Saddam figured that solved two problems.

Today I’m in Springfield, at the old high school where Jonathan Winters learned comedy by practicing on the teachers. They had another famous graduate, James Rhodes, but he took his comedy to Columbus instead of Hollywood and got elected Governor four times.

I’m here today to help this county select their top 4-H members to compete at the State Fair. They’ve got some dandies… bright, prepared, and they’re such good speakers at 10 or 12 years old, why in a few years they could rank up there with Edwards and Bryan.

Now you might think a town that produced a Governor and a comedian would have a hard time topping those feats. But Springfield did. See, in 1902 a man named A. B. Graham invented a new organization for young folks, and he called it 4-H. So the next time you hear something good about what a fine 4-H boy or girl did in your community, you’ll know the club got its start in Springfield, Ohio.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Well a state wouldn’t be a state unless it had a Springfield. Springfields are as numerous now as Hollywoods will be in the next generation. But Ohio has the original Springfield. It sure is a dandy little city. I caught it at its worst, when it was putting on a Booster Week. People in a town during a “booster” week can’t hardly wait till the following Monday to start in knocking the town again.” WA #151, Nov. 1, 1925

The “Historic Quote” section of this Weekly Comments will appeal to those of you intensely following the anticipated news about Senator Kerry’s choice for vice-president. For the other 90 percent, it will provide some light humor as a suitable ending to your July 4^th holiday.

Weekly Comments: Will Sen. Kerry pick Will Rogers as V-P?

# 326, July 5, 2004

WESTON, West Va.: Senator Kerry played baseball on Iowa’s “Field of Dreams” this weekend. President Bush was speaking just a few miles down I-79 from here in Charleston.

Now, that would appear perfectly logical for Mr. Kerry; he has a Dream, and it involves being the #1 pitcher in Washington for the next four years. For Mr. Bush you may wonder, why is he campaigning in West Virginia when it’s states like Ohio where he needs votes. Well, it’s a holiday weekend, and half of Ohio is back home in West Virginia, so that’s where you go to reach ’em. The other half is in Kentucky and pretty much out of reach of any politicians, except those offering free samples of Jim Beam.

They say Mr. Kerry is naming his vice president this week. He has a long list of fine candidates… Sen. Edwards, Gen. Clark, Dick Gephardt, Sam Nunn, Sen. Biden, Gov. Graham, Sen. Clinton, even John McCain. I had not intended to spring this announcement till the convention in Boston, but he has forced my hand tonight.

Not one of those candidates can claim to live in three states: Oklahoma, California, and New York. I can say with confidence, a Democratic ticket with Will Rogers on it can carry two out of those three states. Of course a ticket with any other man might sweep all three.

When you hear his announcement, after reading this column, most of you will say, “He could have had somebody better.” Even without reading this column, you’ll likely say the same thing.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: the 1924 Democratic Convention in New York City

[this is the famous convention that required sixteen days, and 101 ballots, to nominate John W. Davis of West Virginia to run against Calvin Coolidge. VP nominee was Charles Bryan, brother of William Jennings Bryan.]

WILL ROGERS COMES OUT FOR VICE PRESIDENT; CLAIMS ALL QUALIFICATIONS EXCEPT DRESS SUIT

June 26, 1924, Article #4, New York Times

The following is one of the bravest statements made in a political decade:

In the entire three years of preparation by the Democratic Party to groom some man for this present crisis there has never been a mention of a man to run for Vice President….

So I just got off and held a caucus with myself and said somebody has got to be sacrificed for the sake of party harmony. I hereby and hereon put myself in nomination, and to save some other man being humiliated by having to put me in nomination, why, I will just nominate myself.

So I, Will Rogers, of Claremore, Oklahoma; Hollywood, California; and 42nd St. and Broadway, New York, do hereby step right out and declare myself, not only as a receptive but an anxious candidate for the husband’s position (meaning second) on the forthcoming Democratic ticket.

On first hearing this it may sound like a joke, but when I relate to you some of the qualifications which I possess, why, I think any fair-minded man will give me serious consideration.

But the trouble is there are not any fair-minded men in politics.

In the first place, they have got to nominate a farmer who understands the farmers’ condition. Well, I got two farms in Oklahoma, both mortgaged, so no man knows their condition better than I do.

He has also to be a man from the West. Well, if a man came from 25 feet further West than I lived last year, he would have to be a fish in the Pacific Ocean.

(Charles) Dawes was nominated on the Republican ticket on account of his profanity. Now I have never tried cussin’ in public, but I guess I could learn to get used to it before a crowd.

Another big reason why I should be nominated is I am not a Democrat.

Another still bigger reason why I should be nominated is I am not a Republican.

I am just progressive enough to suit the dissatisfied. And lazy enough to be a Stand Patter.

Oil has never touched me. The reason I know it never has is, I drilled a well on my farm in Oklahoma, and I never even touched it, much less oil touching me.

I never worked for a big corporation.

When the President can’t go anywhere, why, the Vice President has to go and speak or eat for him. Now, I could take in all the dinners, for I am a fair eater.

I could say, “I am sorry the President can’t come, but he had pressing business.” Of course, I wouldn’t tell the reason why he didn’t come, so I am just good enough a liar to be a good Vice President.

I am not much of an after-dinner speaker, but I could learn two stories, one for dinners where ladies were present, and one for where they were not.

Of course I have no dress suit [tuxedo]. The Government would have to furnish me a dress suit. If I went to a dinner in a rented one, they would mistake me for a Congressman.

I know I can hear a lot of you all say, “Yes, Will, you would make a good Vice President, but suppose something happened to the President?”

Well, I would do just like Mr. Coolidge. I would go in there and keep still and say nothing. He is the first President to discover that what the American people want is to be let alone.

P.S. I was born in a Log Cabin.

(This is from the book, “Convention Articles of Will Rogers”, available from the Will Rogers Museum: www.willrogers.com, then click on Gift Shop.)