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Special edition: Iraq and Will Rogers’ “Peace Conference”

# 325, June 29, 2004

COLUMBUS: Exactly 85 years ago today (June 29, 1919) “my” first book was published, by Harper & Brothers: “The Cowboy Philosopher on the Peace Conference”.

It was a small book by 2004 standards, when 900 pages is considered light reading. Only 42 pages, and with overall dimensions that would let it fit in your back pocket. On the front cover I said, “I made this book short so you could finish it before the next war.” Don’t you think that’s still good advice for an author?

Those Iraqi terrorists released the three Turks yesterday. I kinda predicted it in Saturday’s Weekly Comments. Those radicals may be meaner than Hitler, but they aren’t ignorant. I say since we turned Iraq over to the Iraqis, let’s give Fallujah over to Turkey. They would have it cleaned up in a week, and ready to rejoin the civilized world.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: The Cowboy Philosopher on the Peace Conference (1919). (compiled from jokes told during the big war (WWI), and right after it when the same nations were fighting over peace)

THERE is no particular reason why I should horn in on you Public with a Book, but that’s just when they seem to write them, when there’s no need or reason for them… All my friends advised me to, “Go ahead Will, and write it ’cause you won’t annoy people with it like these other Writers do with theirs, Nobody will read yours.”

I was going to write a Book on the War, But I heard some fellow had already done it. In fact I figure that the fellow who don’t write on the war will be a novelty… Then the War was too serious a subject, I could not write on it, but the Peace Feast, that seemed to offer a better field for Humor, provided you stick to the facts. I have some inside facts procured from the most reliable source… Here’s how I got it: There is a fellow I know, Who had a friend, And this friend’s Sister had a sweetheart and he was a Soldier in France and his cousin’s pal was a Bunkie of Col. House’s Chouffer. The Col. told his Chouffer. So you see, my information comes from the same place President Wilson’s does.

Of course this whole Peace Conference talk started from the time Pres Wilson said to Germany, “We won’t deal with you as long as you occupy invaded Territory.” Well the Kaiser come right back at him and said, “If you can show us how we can give it up any faster than we are, I wish you would do it.”

The Kaiser was on the verge at one time of visiting the Western Front, then he said, “No, I will just wait a few days till it comes to me.”

At that time everybody wondered what to do with the Kaiser. I thought he should have been brought to this Country and made to clean the streets.

Germany couldent figure out how America could get troops over there and get them trained so quick. They dident know that in our manual there is nothing about RETREATING, and when you only got to teach an Army to go one way, you can do it in half the time. I feel pretty proud over that last little gag, as I used it before Pres Wilson in Washington and he repeated it in his Boston speech, Saying “As one of our AMERICAN HUMORISTS says…” Up to then I had only been an ordinary Rope thrower. Pretty tough when the President cops your act.

Says in there, “There is to be no more wars”, and then there was a paragraph a little further down told you where to get your AMMUNITION in case there was one.

England and Japan had a secret Treaty where England was to get everything south of the equator and Japan everything North. Guess they were going to leave the equator for Ireland. Japan wanted to put in the contract that she was as good as anybody else. If she admitted it why put it in. If a man is a Gentleman he don’t have a sign on him telling it. Tell Japan we will recognize them as soon as they recognize China.

Peace Table is turning out like all Banquets, the speeches are too long.

They agreed that America went in for Nothing and expects Nothing. They are all UNANIMOUS WE GET IT.

Pres Wilson threatened he would start the war over again. Be terrible if they found out this war was fixed and they had to fight it over again.

They can’t let the Russians in this League of Nations or they would make a Bush League out of it. Best time to have formed this League of Nations was during the war when all these Nations needed each other.

Everybody is for something to prevent War, but they are afraid it is like Prohibition. It don’t prohibit.

If Pres Wilson had any doubts about this League of Nations being put through, he should have taken some of these Prohibitionists. They would have shown him how to get it through, whether people wanted it or not.

League of Nations is just as clear as the Income Tax forms.

One thing we got to be thankful for: our Soldiers can win wars faster than our Diplomats can talk us into them.

If they ever have another war let’s have it understood before they start what each Nation wants at the finish.

All those Nations claim they were fighting for freedom. But of course a little more land would make a little more Freedom.

France says they would have more confidence in this League if they would slip a couple of Nations in between them and Germany.

I WONDER IF WE QUIT FIGHTING TOO QUICK AND DIDENT SIGN PEACE QUICK ENOUGH.

Don’t get impatient. It has been just this hard at the end of every war to try and prevent another one.

See where Pres Wilson and England compromised on Freedom of the Seas. England got it.

Italy left the Conference and got what she wanted, Japan threatened to leave and got what she wanted. If Pres Wilson had left, some Republican Senators would have gotten what they wanted.

Well they finally handed Germany the Peace terms: 80 thousand words. HAD TO BE THAT LONG TO TELL THE GERMANS WHAT THEY THOUGHT OF THEM.

Could have settled the whole thing in one sentence, “IF YOU BIRDS START ANYTHING AGAIN WE WILL GIVE YOU THE OTHER BARREL.”

Russia can’t get in on this Peace. There is not enough Paper in the World to print 80 thousand Russian words on.

I thought the Armistice terms read like a second Mortgage. But this reads like a FORECLOSURE. If Germany ever wants to go to war again she will have to fight with BEER STEINS.

Now Folks with all this kidding and foolishness aside, I just say in here whatever I think anybody might laugh at. But of course my real sentiments are the same as everybody else, anything to prevent war… So all Credit to Pres Wilson. It took some game Guy to go through with it.

END

 

# 324, June 26, 2004

COLUMBUS: I’ll keep this short. I know a lot of you folks are speed readers, but there IS a limit. After 957 pages from President Clinton, you’ll do well to have any mind left to look over even half a page from this weekly Illiterate Digest.

My wife bought me a copy of “My Life”, said it was for my birthday. I’m a slow reader when it comes to books (remember it took me “ten years to get through McGuffey’s Fourth Reader“), and I ain’t sure I got enough birthdays left to read it all.

So I did what we all do with an impossible reading assignment, start with the pictures. There must be a hundred and fifty pictures.

But not the one I was looking for.

Now mind you, they’re good pictures, important and historic pictures. But he could have cut out five hundred pages, added one picture, and sold ten million more books. To Republicans.

But now they’ll just wait and buy the memoirs of Jack Ryan, the “almost” Republican Senator from Illinois. If he includes pictures.
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Randall Reeder gives humorous talks as Will Rogers. It is an entertaining look at what life offers, and also reminds people of what really matters.
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Those terrorists in Iraq are threatening to kill three Turks. That radical cleric, Al-Zarquary has been feeling mighty big lately, picking on unarmed, innocent civilians from different countries. But when he irks the Turks, if he knows his history, he’s going to learn the difference between war and WAR. But if he let’s those fellows go, with a new suit of clothes, a fine meal and a sincere apology, Turkey might let him live till July.

Our television news channels made a discovery this week of historic proportions. To hear them report it, this was the first time anyone ever swore at a Senator. Now if one of those news hounds had asked any Senator up there, he would have learned they get swore at by people a lot more important to ’em than a Vice-President. By Voters.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on Memoirs, and war)

“Memoirs: That’s another Cherokee word, means when you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do, that’s Memoirs.” Saturday Evening Post, March 12, 1932

“There ain’t nothing that breaks up homes, country and nations like somebody publishing their memoirs.” DT #2615, Dec. 23, 1934

“I never saw it fail. When a man starts selling his memoirs he is about through.” Life Magazine, November 23, 1922 (also in “How to be Funny”)

“Well, next week we ought to have some wars to talk on. Turkey has been laying off two weeks now.” WA #5, Jan. 14, 1923

“War is just like Golf. Once a fellow takes it up he won’t let nothing interfere with it.” WA #152, Nov. 8, 1925

# 323, June 16, 2004

COLUMBUS: I returned to Ohio to escape the rain, but the joke’s on me. With seven inches in five days, cicadas and lightening bugs are taking swimming lessons from the mosquitos.

John Kerry and the Democrats are looking around for a Vice-Presidential candidate. They say they want a person who knows all about foreign affairs and intelligence in the Middle East. I hope they find one, the Republicans sure haven’t. If they find one, I say let him serve, no matter which fellow gets elected President.

I promised to tell you about my week in West Virginia. First, the Weston Rotary asked me to have lunch with them. They had already heard every available local speaker twice so they brought in an outsider. Rotary is getting set for the 100^th year of that fine service organization. The first club was started in Chicago by a lawyer named Paul Harris in 1905. A second club was formed in San Francisco in 1908, showing you it took California just 3 years to get the news, and they’ve been trying to catch up ever since. It spread around the world like a wild fire, and in 1989 they let women in. Their theme, one of them, is “Service above Self”, and nobody ever put service above self more than women.

Every year the folks in Weston put on a Carp Festival. (I told you about it last year.) There’s a town in Michigan that has one, too, and they kinda compete in a fishing contest to see which state has the biggest carp. Well, up to now Michigan has always won, mainly because their Festival is later in the summer and, being fishermen, the last man talking always has the biggest fish. So I suggested that to fool Michigan, they subtract about 5 pounds when they announce the winner, and then when Michigan swallows the bait and announces their catch, which naturally will be 2 or 3 pounds bigger, then Weston can spring the joke on them, and show ’em the honest weight, certified and notarized.

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Randall Reeder gives humorous talks as Will Rogers. It is an entertaining look at what life offers, and also reminds people of what really matters.     614-292-6648
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After getting in the habit of speaking for my dinner, I was invited to a family get together Sunday at Wildcat, kind of a combination reunion and Decoration Day. They told me I was welcome to eat with them, but with one proviso… that I not give a speech. That was not too much to ask since they were serving all these great country dishes, including corn bread, home-canned pork and a favorite of mine, black cherry cobbler. These little blackheart sweet cherries are unmatched for making cobbler, and they’re getting hard to find because the trees are dying off.

After eating, those that could still walk climbed to the little cemetery on top of a hill. They had American flags for the eight servicemen, including a pair of brothers, side by side, who had served in the Civil War. Here’s the amazing thing… they fought on opposite sides. One person asked, “Can you imagine the heated discussions those fellows had at family gatherings after the War?”

Just before I left Wildcat, an old cow was having trouble giving birth, so the calf had to be pulled. Now, I was not personally involved in this procedure, but I am glad to report that both calf and cow are fine.

John Ashcroft announced this week the FBI arrested some Al-Qaida terrorists for planning to blow up a Columbus shopping center. It seems the plot was uncovered in November, but they didn’t tell us till now, giving the stores a few months to get rid of their stuff. They got rid of it alright, and they got most of our money in the deal, so the only ones in the mall today aren’t there to buy, just to walk in the dry.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

(One more quote related to the funeral for President Reagan…)

“What constitutes a life well spent? Love and admiration from your fellow men is all that any one can ask.” WA #139, August 9, 1925 (Writing about William Jennings Bryan after he died July 26.)

# 322, June 6, 2004

WILDCAT, West Va.: Our Nation, and half the world, came to a halt yesterday (June 5). Ronald Reagan died at 93, ten years after telling us he had Alzheimer’s disease.

We knew the day was coming, but you’re never really ready for sad news.

Along with the sadness, the old cowboy’s humor and laughter shine through. He loved to laugh and have us laugh along with him. Lord knows not everybody agreed with him, but you couldn’t help sharing a smile in admiration of his firm convictions.

You’ve already seen hours of television and millions of words written about him and his life, so I won’t attempt to contribute any more, except for two ideas: first, at the service in the Washington Cathedral, seated along with our former Presidents, I hope they reserve space for Mr. Mondale, Ted Kennedy, John Kerry and maybe a few others. President Bush could invite Sen. Kerry to sit beside him… wouldn’t that be a nice gesture. Second (and I know a bunch of you are going to jump me on this one), we need to let our scientists get on with this stem cell research. It’s up to you folks that sit in the back pews on Sunday, not our leaders, to turn the tide on this one. They’ve already picked a stance, either for or against, and they can’t budge till they see a change out in the land. Alzheimer’s, diabetes, spinal cord injuries and other afflictions just might be treated or cured or prevented if we give our crack scientists a chance to work on it a few years.

Mrs. Reagan can’t carry the fight by herself. Sure there’s arguments on the other side, good ones, but there’s plenty of good God-fearing scientists that can balance the value of millions of productive lives potentially extended with the research compared to the emotional issue of extra embryos. Suppose, for example, we had told Jonas Salk he couldn’t work on his vaccine for Polio because of where it came from. When it comes to these infirmities, it don’t matter how much you’ve got, or if your name is Reagan, Rockefeller, Roosevelt, Reeve, Rossetti, Rogers or Reeder.

Well, I didn’t even get to D-day, or the weather (it’s rained 7 out of the last 9 days here), or even why I’m at a place today (Sunday) called Wildcat. Mostly, it was a good week, and I’ll fill you in on it in a few days.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“if you have ever been an Actor why it just about ruins you for any useful employment for the rest of your natural life.” WA #305, Oct. 28, 1928

(Written after the death of President Warren G. Harding, in San Francisco Aug. 2, 1923)
“As I am writing this… everybody’s thoughts and sympathies are with a train rushing clear across our country, passing sorrowfully through little towns with just folks standing bareheaded paying their respects….
I liked President Harding. You see, I had met him, and I don’t believe any man could meet him and talk to him and not like him. Why, I said after first meeting him, “I thought I would be scared when they took me in but he made me feel just like talking to some good old prosperous ranchman out home.” That’s why I can understand him wanting to meet as many people personally as possible, for to meet him meant another friend.
I only hope our future presidents can be gifted with his sense of humor and justice.
He was a mighty good friend to us theatrical people; he was a good friend to ALL kinds of people. For he had the right dope after all. Everybody is JUST FOLKS. HE WAS A REAL HONEST-TO-GOD MAN.” WA #36, August 19, 1923

(after former Calvin Coolidge died…)
“Mr. Coolidge, you didn’t have to die for me to throw flowers on your grave. I have told a million jokes about you, but every one was based on some of your splendid qualities. You had a hold on the American people regardless of politics. They knew you were honest, economical and had a native common sense.
History generally records a place for a man that is ahead of his time. But we that lived with you will always remember you because you was WITH your time.
By golly, you little, red_headed New Englander, I like you. You put horse sense into statesmanship and Mrs. Coolidge’s admiration for you is an American trait.” DT #2004, Jan. 5, 1933

# 321, May 28, 2004

COLUMBUS: Big news in Columbus today. No rain.

Just when Mayor Coleman was preparing to proclaim a holiday for breaking Noah’s record (in days of rain, not amount) why the sun broke through and about blinded us. Not only did it shine today, it didn’t set till almost 9 o’clock. Here, we had all been turning in about 7:30 out of habit.

We can joke about rain here, because it ain’t done much harm. But down on that island of Haiti and Dominican Republic, floods have killed hundreds and washed out whole towns and villages. Lots of folks were so poor they didn’t have anything, and now they got even less.

Out West, folks are praying for rain and can’t understand why it’s all landing hundreds of miles to the east.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on Memorial Day)

“Lincoln made a wonderful speech one time: “That this Nation under God, shall have a new Birth of Freedom, and that Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from this earth.”
Now, every time a Politician gets in a speech, he digs up this Gettysburg quotation. He recites it every Decoration day and practices the opposite the other 364 days.
Now Lincoln meant well, but he only succeeded in supplying an applause line for every political speaker who was stuck for a finish.
In our Decoration Day speech-making Mr. Taft [former President and current Chief Justice] spoke at some unveiling of a monument in Cincinnati. He made an alibi for the Supreme Court. I don’t know what prompted him to tell the dead what the Court was doing, unless it was some man who had died of old age waiting for a decision from that August body.” WA #26, June 10, 1923

“Another Decoration Day passed and Mr. Abraham Lincoln’s 300-word Gettysburg Address was not dethroned. I would try and imitate its brevity if nothing else. Of course, Lincoln had the advantage; he had no foreign policy message to put over. He didn’t even have a foreign policy. That’s why he is still Lincoln.
Yours for shorter and better speeches, Will” DT #268, May 31, 1927

# 320, May 19, 2004

KANSAS CITY, MO: All I know is what I read in the Kansas City Star or see for myself from the seat of an airplane. I flew here for a meeting of engineers from a dozen of the finest agriculture colleges in the Midwest. These folks solve a lot of important problems, but Missouri came up with a tough one.

According to the newspaper, some big lawyers recently discovered that hogs smell. That’s hardly news because farmers have known for years about this unpleasant odor, but it ain’t the hogs fault. And if you asked a hog for his opinion, you might find he’s not exactly thrilled with your aroma either, especially if you’re a big lawyer.

Well these big attorneys, including Robert Kennedy, Jr. of New York, are suing Premium Standard Farms because hogs stink. They are seeking compensation, get this, for every man, woman and child in Missouri that lives within 10 miles of a hog. Now, either Missouri is producing a particularly malodorous breed of hogs, or the folks living there have extremely talented noses to be able to pick out a hog at 10 miles based purely on odor.

There’s about a million hogs in Missouri, and they say each one is equal to two and a half people in their ability to produce “waste”, as it is referred to in polite company. Hog waste gets spread on farm fields where it fertilizes the corn that in turn gets fed to another batch of pigs. It’s what environmentalists refer to as recycling, and sometimes it stinks.

Now, on the other hand, the waste from the two and a half people, if they live in a city, why after it’s flushed they have no idea where it goes. And often they don’t care as long as it doesn’t come back to them. Just treat it a little and send it on downstream.

One of these lawyers said, “We’re going to sue every one of them until we have civilized this industry.” Well, in this argument between Missouri hogs and New York lawyers, I’m not too sure but what the hog isn’t the more civilized of the two.

The Premium Standard farmers are talking about filing a class action suit of their own. The suit will request compensation for anyone in Missouri who lives within 10 miles of a lawyer.

But these attorneys are good folks at heart, and I figure the hogs will accept a compromise and agree to reform if the lawyers do.

There’s news out here besides hogs. Fifty years ago the Supreme Court desegregated the schools of Topeka, Kansas, and the rest of the country. Then last week a judge in Kansas closed all the schools in Kansas, come September. Ironical.

In India, Mrs. Gandhi got elected in a big upset, then turned the whole situation over to a Harvard man. John Kerry and the Democrats are pondering the same scheme here, but it’s not likely a Yale man would get elected here then step aside for a Harvard grad. Mr. Kerry may delay accepting the nomination till October to mull over his possible choices.

Have you bought gas lately? I invested in a tank of gas yesterday. At $2.10 a gallon it sure feels like an investment. And you know, at the same station, a gallon of water in those little bottles was $7.50. Those folks working to design an engine to run on water might want to rethink it.

I’ve been told engineers in Illinois have figured how to get an engine to run on hog manure. No kidding. Looks like Missouri may miss out on a gold rush of the future. By the time hog manure is ready to replace crude oil, Missouri lawyers will have trained every hog in the state to practice constipation.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“What [Secretary of Agriculture Henry] Wallace is trying to do is to teach the farmer corn acreage control and the hogs birth control, and one is just as hard to make understand it as the other.” DT #2200, Aug. 22, 1933

“Well, all I know is just what I see in the Papers. Out here around Kansas and Missouri and back around Chicago there has only been two things. That is trying to see Queen Marie [of Rumania], and attending conferences to help the Farmer. I followed Marie into Kansas City. Her and President Coolidge were there the same day… Why there will always be Presidents coming in and out of Kansas City. It’s a Railroad center. They have to change somewhere….
Kansas City has got to live off what is done in the livestock and better farming line. They haven’t got a chance ever making a dime out of all the Kings and Queens you could herd into the stockyards. They don’t mean any more than a political speech.” WA #207, Nov. 28, 1926

# 319, May 11, 2004

COLUMBUS: I have been in a fair number of photos in my time, and my friends know I’ve snapped quite a few Kodaks. So I’m sorta fond of picture takers. But this week you kinda wish the photographer, instead of snapping pictures, had used his camera to smash someone over the head.

Our President apologized on television and said those photos from the Iraq prison were “abhorrent and disgusting”. Next thing you know, those terrorists said right back to him, “that’s nothing, we’ll show you some pictures that are REALLY abhorrent and disgusting.”

Just about everything that could be said about those photos of Abu Ghraib prisoners has been said, over and over and over. So I won’t contribute to the confusion of either side.

But when it comes to that al-Qaida executioner in the video with the machete, there’s one thing I have not heard, but I venture it’s true…he was experienced at his trade. He had executed others before, and my guess is most of them were women and girls. And they were all Muslim. So any argument he only committed the murder because his Iraqi terrorist friends were photographed in a few scenes somewhat worse than a college fraternity hazing just don’t hold water.

I didn’t intend to make what our better writers humorously call a “transition”, but I do want to say something about Water. Bottled water. I read in the newspaper or saw on television, maybe both, that we are spending $8 Billion on bottled water. Now if the New York Times had reported that our federal government was spending $8 billion on those little bottles we would all march on Washington and demand that Congress put a stop to the waste and fraud. But no, it’s not the government doing the spending, it’s us. And most of the time it’s for the same city water you use to refill your flush toilet, wash your car and irrigate the lawn. Same water, different package.

You know, if you buy enough water in those little bottles to fill a barrel, why paying $40 a barrel for oil shipped half way around the world won’t seem like such a bad deal. I joke about folks trading their big SUVs for a horse, but gas at $2 a gallon is a bargain when you start watering your horse at $1 a bottle.

Now I might be a bit more lenient on you big water spenders if I was in on it. See, if you give me a third of this water market, like the Coca Cola company has today, I’ll be right up there too, encouraging you to avoid the sins and contamination of water from your kitchen faucet and office water cooler. Why, some of those pipes have been delivering clean water for fifty years, so there’s no telling what germs and bacteria might be lurking in there waiting to attack your taste buds.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

(Don’t read too much into this quote, at least the first half. It is a bit out of context, and Will was referring to the Japanese invasion of Manchuria…)

“I am a peace man. I haven’t got any use for wars and there is no more humor in ’em than there is reason for ’em.” DT 1674, Dec. 4, 1931

# 318, April 26, 2004

COLUMBUS: Did you ever serve jury duty? Where you live they probably do it different, but for Municipal Court here in Columbus they call about 60 innocent folks together for two weeks of civic duty, for which you are paid $20 a day. They have about 15 judges handling all kinds of cases from drunk-driving and shop-lifting to husband-beating. Most of these perpetrators (alleged), and their accomplices (defense attorneys) wisely leave their fate in the hands of the learned judges.

But for the benefit of the few who choose to bypass the judge, sort of, they keep a room full of presumed peers ready to answer the call of a random draw. You wonder though about the intelligence of a “party of the first part” who wants his future decided by eight everyday people whose knowledge of legal jurisprudence derived from years of the O. J. Simpson and Perry Mason television shows.

Every day one or two of the judges dropped in for a spell, to educate us about the real world of juries and to thank us for our public service and patriotism. They told funny stories about cases they had tried, and let us get to know them as regular human beings, at least as regular as anyone can be who is up for re-election every six years.

On the next to last day I volunteered to spin a few yarns for the jury pool, as kind of an after-lunch speaker, and they accepted. I told ’em that many times I had entertained folks who paid to be there, and I had spoken at a number of benefits for free, but this was the first time an audience was being paid $20 to hear me. Of course I wasn’t the one paying them, the taxpayers were. If it was coming out of my pocket I might have been more selective. At $20 each, five or six is about all I could afford. And, given a choice some of those might have demanded at least $50 to stay and listen.

They seemed to like my little offerings, but I felt handicapped compared to the judges. See, while I included the usual political news of the day from Congress, I felt compelled, in case I was to get picked on a jury, to skip all lawyer jokes, and right there that knocks a potential B+ speech down to no better than a C-. Of course finishing sooner, as any speaker will tell you, can sometimes raise you back up to a B. But I sure didn’t want to risk any case being tossed out because a comedian/juror demonstrated poor taste in legal humor.

In other courtroom news, Michael Jackson has changed lawyers. Does that seem strange to you, changing lawyers? Based on my vast experience with the legal profession (two weeks worth), I would suggest the lawyers stay the same, and Michael do some modest changing.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“…there’s a famous case being tried [here in London, England] where a fellow had swindled through fake stock transactions the people out of ten million dollars. They just give him fourteen years so fast that it took all the Americans’ breath away and all they have talked about today is English justice compared to ours. It’s the consensus of opinion of all of them here [for the Disarmament Conference] that if it had been at home he would have gone into vaudeville or the Senate.

None of the habus corpusing and suspended sentences or appealing it when you commit a crime over here. You just wake up surrounded by a small space. Our delegation ought to be over here studying British justice. Our battleships are not harming us near as much as court delays, corruption and shyster lawyers.” DT #1092, Jan. 24, 1930

# 317,     April 15, 2004

COLUMBUS: You might remember, just a month ago I told you I sent a book to John Ashcroft (Weekly Comments, March 11). Well, I got a letter back from him, a lovely note, and it shocked me. I figured by the time they investigated the fellow that sent it, and the parcel cleared through x-rays and all kinds of detectors for weapons of mass destruction, it would be late summer. But their screening process has apparently improved since 2001, at least in speed.

He probably got thousands of little gifts and get-well cards, and I appreciate the time he took to reply personally. Now, I figure it was mainly his secretary…, I sure hope he didn’t pull an agent off a terrorist investigation to lick envelopes.

Mr. Ashcroft won’t mind if I show you what he wrote me in the opening paragraph: “Thank you for the most kind expression of concern regarding the serious health challenges which have occupied me during the last several weeks. The best wishes, prayers, and good intentions of friends across America have inspired me beyond words. Your thoughtfulness in sending a copy of Ether and Me or “Just Relax” is appreciated.” He added some more kind words of thanks, and signed it “John”.

He seems to have recovered from the surgery. You saw him testify to the 9/11 Commission a day or so ago, and any pained expression was caused by the line of questions and not by the scar.

This is income tax day. I finished my return yesterday, and it looks like I’ll get a small refund. With gas at $1.90, it’ll cover about five fill ups.

If you want to see several authentic quotes on Taxes click on “Quotes”, then “Taxes”.

Here’s one quote: “The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.” WA #17, April 8, 1923

President Bush made a speech on the war, and then answered questions from news reporters. From the tone of their questions, I couldn’t tell if they listened to the speech. It’s been tough this month in Iraq. Our men and women over there are fighting to protect us, even if we don’t realize it.

We can all thank and congratulate Phil Mickelson. By winning the Masters golf tournament he tossed a monkey off his back, and we all got a new, and deserving, champion to cheer. He loves to play at Augusta; maybe he’ll make it fifty years the way Arnold Palmer did.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“They are pretty bad, these big wars over Commerce. They kill more people. But one over religion is really the most bitter.” WA # 350, Sept. 8, 1929

(If you switch the two parties, and substitute bin Laden for John Dillinger, this is a great quote, exactly 70 years later.) “The Republicans coming out pretty strong now against the administration. Looks like if the Democrats don’t get Dillinger, they may lose this Fall’s election.” DT #2412, April 26, 1934

“The minute one side makes a speech, the humorously called ‘strategists’ on the other side go into a huddle to pick it apart, which all don’t mean a thing. There is not a voter in America that twenty-four hours after any speech was made could remember two sentences in it. Politicians amuse more people than they interest.” DT 1887, Aug. 22, 1932

# 316, April 7, 2004

COLUMBUS: Connecticut today is the basketball capital of the country. When your college boys whip everyone from the Pacific to the Atlantic Coast, and then the next night your coeds finish the sweep, well it gives you the right to crow. The U Conn celebration included that new trend for college revelry, burning a few cars in the street. I guess some nut figured, if it’s done in Fallujah, why not in Storrs.

And you’ve got to give Sports Illustrated some applause. We’re always rubbing it in about the SI cover jinx, but this time they had it right, way back in November.

This is National Humor Month. Nobody but a humorist would claim a month with April 15 in the middle of it as the ideal time for comedy, mirth and glee. Sure, April can be National Humor Month, but start it on the 16^th. Make it Humor Half-Month.

I read where a professor at Johns Hopkins University found that Humor “reduces stress, anxiety, tension, depression and anger”. Yes, April 16 is definitely the day it’s needed most. Ron Berk also says humor will “improve your mood, increase self-esteem, and promote a sense of empowerment.” Now after you empty your pockets to pay your taxes, under penalty of prison, why, you may still have a “mood”, and maybe some “esteem”. But any “sense of empowerment” will be pert near squashed.

I hope to have more for you on Humor Month before the month ends.

I kid the IRS, but if there’s another country where you’d rather pay your taxes, your export can probably be arranged. Tax time can be disheartening…, even if we all pay what we owe we’ll still be short $400 Billion.

Happy Easter. (I think the Supreme Court will still let me say that.) Whatever religious day you want to celebrate will get no argument from me. Or even no religion, go ahead and celebrate. Just so it doesn’t involve burning a car.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Of all the cockeyed things we got in this country at the present time, it’s some of our judges, and courts, and justices.” DT #1374, Dec. 18, 1930

“I believe I discovered a way to aid preachers in getting people to church. Publish their pictures in the papers every Monday, instead of just on the day after Easter. There is no reason why people should have to wait from one Easter to another.” DT #836, April 1, 1929

“I bet any Sunday could be made as popular at church as Easter is if you made `em fashion shows, too. The audience is so busy looking at each other that the preacher just as well recite Gunga Din. We will do anything, if you just in some way turn it into a show.” DT #2718, April 22, 1935