Candidates invade Ohio

# 341, October 31, 2004

COLUMBUS: All four of the big candidates are in Ohio today… Bush, Kerry, Cheney, Edwards. They’re all here. They descended on Ohio and said they aren’t gonna leave until every registered voter in the state, a hundred percent of them, agree to vote Tuesday. At least once.

These four have been here all along, just not at the same time. Why, I bet this is the first time they’ve ever been in the same state on the same day. Or for that matter, even in Washington, D.C.

Ohio is looking for a huge voter turnout. Right here in Franklin County they have 850,000 registered to vote. Out of a voting age population of 825,000 that ain’t bad. Cleveland says they have 20,000 that’s registered to vote in Ohio and Florida.

So don’t be surprised if the total count equals the number of bonafide registered living voters, kinda the way it used to be in Chicago plus a few dead ones.

Well, politics ain’t all that’s been in the news. After 86 years the Boston Red Sox broke the spell, with some help from a full moon and a total eclipse. The St. Louis Gashouse Gang had a great season but they picked the wrong time to run out of gas. The Red Sox had Curt Shilling, and the Cardinals didn’t have any pitchers even close to Dizzy Dean.

College football had the Bedlam Battle in Oklahoma . The Sooners held on to beat the Cowboys. That football game was just a preliminary to the bedlam in their Senate election Tuesday. In Florida the Big 3 lost, which is almost as rare as the Red Sox winning the World Series.

Old Osama bin Laden tried to horn in on our election. He didn’t come right out and say who he’s for, but from the tone of the message I would say he favors Ralph Nader.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Conditions and not oratory is going to settle this next election.” Radio broadcast, June 9, 1935

“There is only one redeeming thing about this whole election. It will be over at sundown, and let everybody pray that it’s not a tie, for we couldn’t go through with this thing again.” DT #1953, Nov. 7, 1932

Candidates competing with sunshine and baseball

# 340, Oct. 21, 2004

GAINESVILLE, Fla: It’s 85 degrees in this college town, sun is shining (except when it’s raining), and the students are all wearing shorts. And politicians here think folks are paying attention to them.

The World Series has the Red Sox against the Cardinals. For a while we thought it might be Massachusetts versus Texas, the same as the Presidential Series, but St. Louis slipped in there and knocked out Houston. These old historic baseball towns will put on a good show.

I read where Senator Kerry is shooting geese in Ohio today and President Bush is hunting for votes in Pennsylvania. They’re both heading down here this weekend. Meanwhile Ralph Nader is doing all he can to avoid getting goose eggs on election day.

The Soccer playoffs start this weekend. Now, we know the rest of the world gets excited over soccer, but in the United States it struggles to get attention, and I think I figured out their problem. Of all the teams in these playoffs, not a one of them has won even half their games. If the best team can’t win half the time, who knows what the worst ones do. Well, what they do is play for ties, and nobody does it better than soccer teams, not even hockey, if they were playing, which they’re not. In these soccer championship games if they all end up as ties, well, to decide who gets the trophy and which fans get to celebrate I guess they’ll just flip a coin. It’ll probably land on edge.

From all the campaigning here in Florida one thing you can be sure of. They don’t want another tie.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“My idea of the height of conceit would be a political speaker that would go on the air when that world series is on.” DT #683, Oct. 3, 1928

The World lost a Hero in Christopher Reeve

Oct. 17, 2004

CLEVELAND: Ohio is mourning, and not just because the Buckeyes have forgotten how to play football. Christopher Reeve had many friends and supporters here.

Heros of his stature are rare today. He was a person who endured unbearable pain and limitations, yet remained so positive and optimistic that millions of people who heard him speak are motivated to use a bit more of their God-given talents.

Like many other folks, I got to hear him at one of those huge all-day motivational seminars. Actually at two of them. Not only hear him, but see him up close because I was also there to take pictures.

Now, any time you see me wearing a tie you’ll also see a tie bar with a presidential seal on it. That’s thanks to Christopher Reeve.

See, this was in the late 1990’s and President and Mrs. Bush were also on the program and they asked to visit Mr. Reeve back stage. Naturally they wanted pictures, and believe me I shot plenty. And as we walked out of that private room the former president handed me his tie bar with a request to make sure he got prints. Yes, the tie bar was given me by a president, but only because he requested a visit with this hero.

I got to see him again last year, speaking to a huge crowd, and also kinda mingling with a small group. The friendly, smiling man you have seen in interviews, replayed lately on Larry King and other television shows, is exactly the same gracious, caring and hopeful individual I saw that day.

Oh, did I tell you he has a 12-year old son named Will?

I was in Akron yesterday. Spoke at the famous Tangiers Night Club, to the College Club, a group of about a hundred wonderful professional women. They remind me of the Pocahontas Club in Oklahoma.

Tomorrow I’m flying to Florida, continuing my fact-finding tour of battleground states. See, one fact I read in the Cleveland Plain Dealer today is that Senator Kerry bought a hunting license in Ohio, and plans to go after big game near Youngstown later this week. I think voters might want to know how many states he has bought a license in, and just how many deer, elk, moose, gators and other wild beasts he intends to shoot before Nov. 2.

President Bush just left Florida so there’s bound to be something for me to stumble on down there, or step in.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“You must judge a man’s greatness by how much he will be missed.” WA #139, August 9, 1925

“Darn it, why is it the good ones are the ones that go, that’s one thing about an ornery Guy, you never hear of him dying. He is into everything else but a Coffin.” WA #461, October 25, 1931

“With all the various Candidates you get your issues so confused that nobody knows what they are voting for. You have to vote for somebody you don’t want to, to keep somebody worse out.” WA #157, Dec. 13, 1925

“Every time we have an election we get in worse men, and the country keeps right on going. Times have only proven one thing, and that is that you can’t ruin this country even with politics.” WA #305, Oct. 28, 1928

Debaters work to scare up a few votes

# 338, Oct. 8, 2004

COLUMBUS: The second debate just ended, and some folks are surprised the President did better. But Missouri is an hour early so he was awake tonight. He couldn’t get the debate changed to the lunch hour, so they compromised on 8 o’clock. Next week we’ll expect him to be even sharper because it’ll be in Arizona where they’ll start at 6.

It was a good debate tonight. The poll takers haven’t told us yet who won, but we pretty much know where they stand. The ranks of the so-called Undecided Voter are thinning. It’s down to about 6 in the whole country. And half of them must be in Ohio, the way the ads are still barking at us here.

The big chore facing the candidates isn’t to get people to decide who to vote for; it’s to convince ’em to vote at all. We know about half will vote. The challenge is to make sure it’s your half.

I’m heading to West Virginia, another one of these battleground states. The old state is all dressed up, looking mighty pretty. See, Martha Stewart arrived today, and they wanted to make a good impression.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“So much money is being spent on the campaigns that I doubt if either man, as good as they are, are worth what it will cost to elect them.” DT #687, Oct. 8, 1928

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Baseball, Debates and Martha Stewart draw Will’s attention

# 337, Oct. 1, 2004

COLUMBUS: The debate season opened last night. Hunting season is a few weeks away, so the deer and elk are safe. It’s the voters that’s being used for target practice. Most folks say the debate was a draw, at least the ones who listened to it. Senator Kerry did a credible job explaining where he stands. President Bush repeated his position in the first twenty minutes, and the for the rest of the hour and a half he looked kinda bored, probably like most of us that watched the whole thing.

Actually Mr. Bush wasn’t bored, he was sleepy. He’s usually in bed, sound asleep by 9 pm, so he may insist the next debate be held at noon.

Martha Stewart learned where she will be spending the next five months. She wanted to stay in Connecticut to be close to her mother, or in Florida till she saw what hurricanes can do to home furnishings. But no, she’s headed for federal prison in West Virginia. She won’t be close to home, but she is practically neighbors with that famous resort, The Greenbrier. The woman who shot President Ford is down there. In the prison, not The Greenbrier.

I hope they let her out once in a while, at least to sit on the porch. West Virginia is beautiful this time of year.

Some say it was spite by the judge that got her sent her to West Virginia. But I have a different theory; I figure the whole thing was arranged by Senator Byrd. Yes sir, he brought the FBI to his home state, and roads and bridges and the Social Security Administration, so why not Martha.

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Randall Reeder gives a talks as “Will Rogers” that are entertaining and help people feel good about who they are and what they do. Call for more information: 614-292-6648 or 614-876-6942
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Washington, D.C. is getting a baseball team again. Years ago they had a team called the Senators. I don’t know what they’ll call ’em now, but I doubt if it’s Senators. They’ve got enough problems without being saddled with that.

Think about it. Senators are always away on weekends so home games would have to be played Tuesday to Thursday. Not only are they out of Washington, they’re usually in some foreign country, on kind of a road trip. So on weekends they would have to play on foreign soil, and not just Puerto Rico like last summer.

Maybe they could go against the Reds in China, or even North Korea. The best match-up would be Dodgers against the Senators, no matter where it’s played; nobody dodges better than a Senator. And if you want to draw a sell-out crowd, let ’em take on the Cardinals in Rome.

So as a nickname, Senators is out. But I do have a suggestion; you know how a team wants to project an image of power, of success, of domination, of always winning. Well, there’s only one name for them: the Washington Lobbyists.

Speaking of Washington, next time you’re there go see the new Indian Museum. They tell me it is chock full of history, both old and modern. Indians have contributed family heirlooms to help the rest of us understand and appreciate the culture.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“Been reading a lot about politics. Up in old Massachusetts the Republicans are in a dog fight among themselves. Mr. Gillette’s time is soon up as a Senator and he wants to withdraw and let ex_President Coolidge run. Then the Democrats have dug up another Coolidge, who is a Democrat. That’s the blamedest State for curiosities. Wouldn’t that be a hot race with a Coolidge on both sides?” DT #971, Sept. 5, 1929

Will explains Senator Kerry’s voice problems

Sept. 23, 2004

LONDON, Ohio:  Senator Kerry was in Columbus today for a speech, but he had to cancel it because his voice gave out. Well, it’s no wonder his vocal cords are worn-down by the long campaign. On every issue it seems like he has proclaimed three or four positions.

I’m out here at London for a big farm show called Farm Science Review and it’s put on by the university. They had 130,000 farmers, students and business folks here during the past 3 days, learning about all the new practices, machinery and technology to help our American farmers keep putting food on the table for us.

On Tuesday they held a big luncheon and Secretary of Agriculture Ann Veneman was the main speaker. She announced that the Bush income tax cuts are saving farmers $4 Billion a year and got a big round of applause, at least from the farmers who have an income to pay taxes on. She came out against the death tax and everybody agreed, given a choice, they prefer to keep on living.

Then she said the President had approved an extra $10 Million for Ohio farmers to install some new practices and got hardly any reaction at all. I could tell the silence surprised her because she expected at least some mild appreciation for the incumbent candidate. But she should know it takes more than ten million to impress farmers when you’ve just told them they have in their pockets an extra four Billion.

One thing Democrats and Republicans can agree on here in central Ohio, this September weather has been splendid. The calendar may say it’s fall, but it feels more like August than August did. Corn and soybeans are ready to harvest, and high yields and sunshine will do more to get a farmer’s vote than any government program.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“When you straddle a thing it takes a long time to explain it.” Convention Articles, June 29, 1924

Weekly Comments: Bush, Kerry, Cheney, Edwards and Baxter Black Flood Ohio

# 335, Sept. 18, 2004

COLUMBUS: For years Martha Stewart has set the example for us ordinary folks on cooking, cleaning and decorating. Now she is the perfect role model for her fellow criminals.

Just imagine how great this country could become if every lawbreaker said, “Put me in jail now, I’m ready to serve my time.” Why, it would clean up our streets, and our boardrooms. The only downside is so many trial lawyers would be out of work we’d have to invent thousands of new elective offices just to keep them occupied.

Bush and Kerry are still acting like Ohio will decide the election. Laura Bush was in Columbus this week. John Edwards spent two days in southeast Ohio where he was followed by five inches of rain from Ivan. Dick Cheney will be here Monday night. I don’t know what the Vice-President will say, but he’s liable to tell Ohio, “You better make the right choice Nov. 2 if you don’t want the country to see more hurricanes, floods and tornados.”

The Republicans have called me every day for a week inviting me to see Mr. Cheney. Today a letter came in the mail from James Carville asking me not to, and could I please send some money to the Democrats.

But Mr. Cheney’s main competition Monday night will be Baxter Black. He’s about the best cowboy poet/speaker/humorist around today, so I’ll go see him because he’s not running for anything. It’s Baxter’s only visit to Ohio this fall, and I figure there’ll be many occasions yet to see Bush/Cheney/Kerry/Edwards.

I thought about escaping to Oklahoma to get away from all the Presidential bickering – Bush and Kerry have pretty much ignored the Sooner voters – then I read in the paper what the Oklahoma Senate candidates are saying about each other and decided to take my chances in Ohio. For now.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

These historic quotes that follow have been absolutely, positively authenticated to be from Will Rogers’ own typewriter and published in the New York Times. That’s for the newspaper columns. If the quotes are from a radio broadcast, you can rest assured they are indisputably valid because folks across the country heard them on CBS.

“Politics pretty quiet over the week_end. Democrats are attacking and the Republicans are defending. All the Democrats have to do is promise “what they would do if they got in.” But the Republicans have to promise “what they would do” and then explain why they haven’t already “done it.”
I do honestly believe the Republicans have reformed and want to do better. But whether they have done it in time to win the election is another thing. The old voter is getting so he wants to be saved before October every election year.
 DT #1917, Sept. 26, 1932

[Concerning incumbent presidents] “a voter just goes to the polls and if he has got a dollar you stay in, and if he ain’t got a dollar, you go out. The memory of a voter is about as long as a billy goat. So it is all going to depend on how (President) Hoover makes out the last year.” Radio Broadcast, April 20, 1930

Weekly Comments: Candidates give relief to Ohio

# 334, Sept. 11, 2004

COLUMBUS: Today was unusual in Ohio. No presidential candidates.

President Clinton is home following a quadruple heart bypass. He seems to be doing fine, promises to reform his diet, and the only downside is that McDonalds stock dropped $8.

News out of Florida is the same. First Charley, then Frances. Next is Ivan. Ivan warmed up on Grenada and Jamaica, and is taking aim at Florida, but nobody knows exactly what part. For Florida it’s kinda like Dodgeball. They don’t know which way to jump. Seems the only safe direction is North.

Here’s what might be called, in the big media business, a public service announcement. If you have a hankerin’ to get yourself shot with only one or two bullets, time is running out. Thanks to the NRA, come Monday, if you’re shot you’ll likely be hit with at least 20 or 30 bullets before the guy can get his finger off the trigger.

As I say, the NRA is arranging it, but Congress seconded the motion, and the President kinda abstained. Now you ask any of these folks privately if they favor giving these assault weapons to criminals and they’ll tell you “No”. But being an election year, they feel obliged to vote “yes”. They’ve all got it figured, both Republicans and Democrats, that losing a few constituents to multiple gunshot wounds is better than losing votes. And besides, the voters most likely to get shot are the Undecideds, so where’s the harm in that?

After Monday you won’t have to listen to a hunter complain, “I would have got that squirrel for sure, but I only had ten bullets in the clip.”

Well, three years has passed since those radical Islamic terrorists hijacked four airplanes and changed the world. There were memorials held in New York and all over America today. A hundred thousand of us got to see a lovely and moving tribute before, and at half time of, a college football game between Ohio State University and Marshall.

While we’re remembering the victims, and spending billions or even trillions so it doesn’t happen again, there’s others around the world celebrating our heartache, and the murder of hundreds of Russian school children last month. Old bin Laden is still on the loose, thumbing his nose at us. Remember, it took us a few years to trap Dillinger and Capone, too, but we got ’em.

If you want to read and see a marvelous tribute to 9/11 go to this web site: http://www.angelsoveramerica.com/ Carolyn Long wrote a beautiful poem, and got some fine professionals to put it to music and produce a first class video.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“There should be a moratorium called on candidates’ speeches. They have both called each other everything in the world they can think of. From now on they are just talking themselves out of votes… Now instead of calling each other names, why you can do everybody a big favor by going fishing, and you will be surprised but the old United States will keep right on running while you boys are sitting on the bank. “ DT #1948, Nov. 1, 1932

Republican Convention ends; Bush and Kerry storm Ohio

# 333, Sept. 2, 2004

COLUMBUS: Wow, it’s over in New York. The Republicans went with Bush and Cheney again.

Remember when folks wanted Kerry to choose John McCain as his V-P? Well, if he had, Bush could have opted for Zell Miller… and the next two months would have made the Gunfight at the OK Corral look like a lovefest.

The Georgia Democrat made a lot of friends among Republicans. Did you hear him last night? Millions across the country heard him, and most of them didn’t even need a television. Zell Miller was intense, penetrating, LOUD.

If the President gets re-elected I predict he’ll find a spot for Zell. Maybe if Tom Ridge retires, he’ll take over as director of Homeland Security. He would save millions of dollars. See, you take a picture of Zell where he was scowling at Kerry in that speech last night, blow it up real big, and place those side by side on all of our borders. No terrorist or illegal alien would dare try to sneak in. Zell’s picture would scare the hell out of them.

We wouldn’t need all those border guards. You cross old Zell and he’ll take you out in a duel. Homeland Security would be a one-man operation.

Florida is bracing for another hurricane. Ohio is fortifying for a deluge. Florida gets wind and rain; Ohio gets wind. Mr. Kerry and Edwards are in Springfield tonight. Why, the balloons are still dropping in New York and these fellows are picking up a microphone in Ohio. Mr. Bush won’t be far behind. After a pause in Pennsylvania tonight he’ll land in Cleveland tomorrow.

If you say a prayer tonight, pray for Florida. And if you got time, put in an extra word for Ohio. Relief here is not as necessary, but still appreciated.

Historical quotes from Will Rogers:

“…may the best team win; that is, the best for the country, be it Democratic or Republican, for a guiding hand in any business now needs encouragement and especially in guiding the biggest business in the world. Lord, what a tough time to have a country on your hands!” Convention Articles, Republican Convention, closing article, June 17, 1932

“Coolidge made less speeches and got more votes than any man that ever run. (William Jennings) Bryan was listened to and cheered by more people than any single human in politics, and he lost. So there is a doubt just whether talking does you good or harm.” DT #673, Sept. 21, 1928

“This country has gotten where it is in spite of politics, not by the aid of it. That we have carried as much political bunk as we have and still survived shows we are a super nation.” DT #1948, Nov. 1, 1932

Weekly Comments: American women shine in Athens

# 332, August 25, 2004

MORGANTOWN, West Va.: The Olympic Games are wrapping up. Just in time, too. Our women have been so great in Athens, the men are ready for football. Our USA women are winning in basketball, softball, soccer, beach volleyball and gymnastics to name a few. Meanwhile the men lost to Puerto Rico and Lithuania in basketball, and in soccer and baseball they fared even worse. So here’s to our women, the new rulers of American sports.

You know, it’s not surprising. I read where a survey of ten-year olds found that the girls liked playing sports just as much as the boys. So fellows, if you don’t put down the Nintendo and pick up a bat or ball instead, we’ll soon be overrun, if not already.

The Republicans are ready to swarm into New York for the Bush Follies. Senator Kerry was there yesterday, kind of in the role of a warm up act. The only crowd he drew was the gathering protesters, and they started booing just out of habit till they were reminded that Bush is the candidate they are called on to hiss and holler at, not Kerry. Kerry was last month in Boston.

I read where some organization of American women (I can’t remember which one) says President Bush doesn’t understand women, and neither does Senator Kerry. Well, up to about eighty years ago our Presidential candidates didn’t even recognize women, let alone understand them. My suggestion for this organization (whatever it is), is to come up with a candidate with a perfect understanding of women. It would be a feat unsurpassed in American politics, and the person would be a shoo-in for President. World issues would fade away, defeated by superior intellect and intuition. Why, Osama bin Laden would crawl out of his cave, give up, and tell the new President to pocket the $50 million bounty. This splendid individual with such a remarkable grasp of complex affairs could not only be President, but simultaneously serve as Pope, baseball commissioner, and, every four years, judge the Olympic gymnastic competitions.

So we’re all pulling for those women to name their candidate. Only problem will be getting them to agree on just one.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“… it’s a great game, this Convention game is. I don’t suppose there is a show in the World with as much sameness in it as it has got. You know exactly what each speaker is going to say before he says it…. You know before you go who will be nominated. You know the platform will always be the same: promise everything, deliver nothing. I really don’t think any such proceedings could be carried on in any other civilized country in the World except ours. You cuss yourself for sitting day in and day out and looking at such nonsense. But the next four years find you back there again.” WA #289, July 8, 1928

[The 1932 Olympics in Los Angeles was the first to include women’s competition]
“Well with us right in the middle of the Olympics, we are just bogged down in swimmers, up to our ears in pole vaulters. It’s been great fun, and a wonderful sight to see… About ten days ago before it started why one day out at our studio they brought all the girl athletes out there for lunch and to see the studio… You musent miss meeting this Texas wildcat “Tex” Didrickson [Mildred “Babe” Didrickson Zaharias], she just believes that she can do anything, and the funny part about it is she can. There is none of the sports that she can’t do and do well. She is an athletic marvel…. Then I met that day Helen Madison, our great swimmer, then Georgie Coleman, oh and dozens of others.

A big pretty blonde girl from Germany spoke good English, said she was a javelin thrower. Javelin? Why that’s a little light thing like a spear. Why this girl could have heaved a horse, much less a javelin.

Two girls from Mexico, one was a fencer, one was a javelin thrower. The Canadian girls I believe as a whole were about the prettiest of any of our foreign visitors. The Japanese had a great bunch, and funny thing there was only one girl from France, just one here. I guess France is kinder slow having women taking up boxing, and wrestling, and running and jumping. Still they don’t mind ’em doing a lot of work in the fields. I have see ’em pitching hay and hauling manure to the fields.

Course I don’t know how this women thing doing all these games is. I mean I can’t just get my mind made up about it. But I guess it’s all right. They just as well be doing that as in some other devilment. It sure does make ’em take care of their health. Course some say that it will be bad for ’em in the long run, but I doubt it. You know women always could endure more than men. They are superior to the so-called male.

So I reckon that it’s only a matter of time that they will not only be doing the same games as the men…” WA #502, August 7, 1932