Category: Uncategorized

# 315, March 26, 2004

COLUMBUS: John Kerry took me up on my idea to vacation for a week. He was skiing in Idaho, but now he’s back in Washington. The sign at the big party they threw for him last night said “Democrats United”. That’s such a novelty, it might work. It’s never been tried before.

All the former candidates were at his party, but most Democrats were watching basketball. Oklahoma State won their game. So did St. Joe. That little team from Philadelphia is everybody’s favorite (except in Oklahoma), and they go head to head tomorrow.

Last week I told you Saudia Arabia was cutting down on our oil supply. The way prices have been going I am about to believe it’s bin Ladin that has his hand on the spigot. A few years ago some folks in Washington wanted to raise the price of gasoline 50 cents. They sure got their wish, but you don’t hear any of them crowing about the achievement.

Ireland finished their spring celebration, and I was there to help crown a new King and Queen. Now there aren’t many places where folks get to vote on their royalty. Normally it just gets passed down to a relative no matter the qualifications, but in Ireland they hold an election. Raymond and Retta Blagg earned the crowns. They are both 89, and been married 69 years. Can you imagine a better way to spend your 70^th year together.

This Ireland is in West Virginia, and it’s a small community that shows what spirit and hard work can do for a place. The county decided to bus their kids to town years ago, so they turned the old school house into a community center. Their Irish Spring Festival is just one of a whole bunch of fun things they organize to get people together. If you want to visit a friendly place in the country, go to Ireland. It’s worth the trip, even if gas is $2.00 a gallon.

In West Virginia, folks are proud of their state slogan, “Almost Heaven”. But the governor is upset at a new one, “It’s all relative in West Virginia”. See, this motto is being put on T-shirts by an “outsider”. I won’t tell you the name, but it’s one of those stores that specializes in overpriced apparel. This particular store perhaps has some questionable breeding among it’s own managers because they decided the best way to sell their brand of clothes was to show catalog models that refused to wear clothes. Our young folks buy their clothes regardless, so we may as well enjoy a laugh with them.

Folks in Ireland make you feel at home, even if you aren’t related to them.

The Supreme Court is pondering on the latest big issue to face the country. Regardless of what they announce, ninety-nine percent of us know we’re still one nation under God.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“I have been in twenty countries and the only place where American tourists are welcomed wholeheartedly is Ireland.” DT #3, Aug. 1, 1926.

Historic fact: Will’s great-great grandfather, Robert Rogers, an Irish-Scotchman came to America about 1800, settling in what is now West Virginia. He married Lucy Cordery, a half-blood Cherokee, they moved to Georgia, and had a son, Robert Rogers, Jr. in 1815. He grew up and married Sally Vann, a 3/8 Cherokee, and Clem was born 1839. He married Mary America Schrimsher, and their eighth child, born in 1879, was named William Penn Adair Rogers.

So if you can trace your roots back to West Virginia, and your name is Cordery, you and Will just might be cousins.

# 314, March 17, 2004

COLUMBUS: First, on behalf of Columbus, let me thank Las Vegas for capturing our highway sniper. And just in time, too. We’ve got thousands of college basketball fans coming to town this weekend from Kentucky, Illinois, Washington, even Cincinnati. And that’s just for the men’s teams. The women are playing here, too. Columbus hasn’t seen this much basketball talent since Jerry Lucas and John Havlicek. So Columbus roads are safe now. We only have to look out for each other.

Bin Ladin’s bunch struck again, in Madrid. They thought they blew up a few trains, but really, what they blew up was an election.

Then they set off a bomb in the heart of Baghdad today. In Iraq they don’t want to influence an election, they don’t want ’em to have one at all. Now we’ve got a billion Muslims in the world, and they sure don’t all cheer against us. But if even one percent pledge their allegiance to Al-Qaida, or even just one percent of one percent, that’s still enough to keep the world on edge. No, it’s not fair to ask these good, peace-loving Muslims to step in and put a halt to Al-Qaida and all this terror. It’s not fair, but nobody else can stop them, so we have to ask them to at least try. Lord knows the other religions ain’t done such a great job of controlling their own renegades either. You can think of your own examples, there’s plenty to choose from, and you won’t have to go outside your own particular brand of beliefs.

Back here in America, we’ve got a campaign going on. It’s almost 8 months till the election, but the way they are hammering each other, you would think it’s next week. Have you noticed they always seem to know just what the other side is going to say, and when he is to say it? And a minute or two later they come out and refute it?

If I had accidently said something negative about Mr. Kerry, for example, early in this “Weekly Comments”, why before I got to the Historic Quote, the Democrats would be denying the accusation, and turn around and make one of their own about Mr. Bush. And vice versa.

They have this technique perfected to the point where you almost believe they are writing each other’s speeches. Now, if they do have spies snooping on each other, they are both doing it so successfully I’ve got a suggestion. It’s not only a suggestion that’ll increase their popularity with the voting public, on both sides, it’s liable to change civilization as we know it.

Here’s my idea… you call a one-month moratorium in the campaign, (that would double their popularity right there), and you take all these Democrats and Republicans that are spying on each other and send them to Afghanistan and Iraq, and let them spy on the terrorists. They would be such an improvement on the ones already there, they would not only smoke out bin Ladin, they would likely find out where Saddam buried his chemical weapons. If that don’t work, maybe we can trick bin Ladin into visiting Las Vegas.

I’m heading to Ireland later this week, for their big Spring Festival. Not to confuse you, this Ireland is in West Virginia, not Europe. They carry on tradition and have a lot of fun doing it.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“I like Ireland and Mexico better than any other Countries. They both got humor, and while they both think they take life serious, they don’t. They will joke with you, sing with you, drink with you and, if you want, fight with you – or against you, whichever you want – and I think if they like you well enough they would die with you.” Saturday Evening Post, May 12, 1928

# 313, March 11, 2004

COLUMBUS: Attorney General John Ashcroft lost his gall bladder. Some folks say he had too much gall, so losing it will bring him back to about normal. You can joke about it if you want, but if you’re ever unfortunate enough to have gall stones settle in and plug the old drain pipe, you’ll quit laughing.

Tonight I mailed Mr. Ashcroft a copy of “my” little book, Ether and Me. It’s the autobiographical story of a 1927 operation on a wayfaring humorist, in an attempt to “relieve me of surplus gall”. In a note to him I apologized in case anything in the book caused him to laugh before the stitches come out, because when you’ve got a fresh scar across your mid-section the last thing you want is a belly laugh.

But I shouldn’t be concerned about John suffering from an early laugh. By the time my package gets through all the government mail screeners, x-ray machines, chemical detectors, de-radiation devices, and is run past various sniffer dogs and taste panels, it’ll be August.

Last weekend Governor Schwarzenegger was here for a Body Builders convention. Hundreds of men and women, all with bulging biceps, muscular chests, huge thighs. Nobody appeared quite normal. The Ohio Board of Education took one look at them and voted to change their Science books. They said no one could evolve to look like that, those bodies had to be created.

So in Ohio the argument is evolution versus creationism. Governor Taft says tax revenues are down, so they can’t afford to teach both sides. They could bring back Clarence Darrow and William Jennings Bryan to fight it out, but Ohio can’t afford those old lawyers, or even new ones.

Maybe they can divide science into two parts. Teach both, but split it to eliminate the argument. See, if your body looks like it was chiseled from New Hampshire granite, then you were created. But if you’re overweight and appear to have a Body by McDonalds, then it’s evolution. And don’t even mention intelligent design, because there’s nothing particularly intelligent about either of them, including the education board.

Have you seen “The Passion of Christ”? There seems to be some disagreement on the outcome of the film. Some are for it, some against it. But I have found if you only listen to ones who have seen it, that removes about three-fourths of the disagreement right there. And if they had read the Book first, why you get close to unanimous accord.

So you might want to read the book, even if you don’t go to the movie.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

After surgery to remove gall stones, Will received hundreds of telegrams and cards, including from President Coolidge, senators, congressmen, ambassadors and other friends. He wrote, “Everybody that I make a living kidding about seemed to be watching for some turn in my illness. People couldn’t have been any nicer to me if I had died.” DT #285, June 21, 1927

P.S: You can order a copy of “Ether and Me” (32 pages) from the Will Rogers Museum gift shop for about $6.00. (www.willrogers.com)

# 312, March 4, 2004

COLUMBUS: The Democratic horse race ended early. Senator Kerry crossed the finish line Tuesday night and Senator Edwards and the rest of the field were left hobbling along on the back stretch.

Mr. Edwards officially dropped out yesterday, sending my Insurance friends into action. They don’t want to risk having an idle trial lawyer laying around looking for a lawsuit. So half of them are working on Kerry to name Edwards as his vice-president, and the other half are lobbying President Bush to open a cabinet spot for him if he’s re-elected.

I guess Mr. Edwards could make a fine Agriculture Secretary, in case Ann Veneman decides to move back to California. He is strong on optimism, and nobody has more optimism than a farmer. Sometimes that’s all he has, is optimism. John has been campaigning about “Two Americas”, and the farmers agree. One percent of America is raising the food, the other 99 percent are eatin’ it, and the farmers say they could use a hand once in a while.

The Kerry-Bush campaign has heated up already, and there’s eight months to go. Republicans started running television ads today, and five minutes later the Democrats started bashing them. They don’t have any of their own, and couldn’t afford to run ’em if they did, so they kinda keep it even by arguing over what the other side shows.

By the way, Dennis Kucinich has not given up. I think he’s holding out hope to be vice-president, on the Nader ticket.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money to even get beat with nowadays.” DT #1538, June 28, 1931

# 311, February 29, 2004

COLUMBUS: This is Leap Day, not only leap day, but also the fifth Sunday in February, a rare occasion. A fifth Sunday in February comes so seldom, why, we send Marines to Haiti more often. (See Historic quotes below)

We sent our Marines in there again today. If we turn those boys loose, that little revolution down there will be over quick. If fact it could be shorter than the Academy Awards show going on tonight. But we won’t turn them loose, so the Marines will be there a while. And when they come home it’ll be for a short rest, till we send them back again.

Of course the Academy Awards didn’t have to run so long. They could have been over by 10:30 if Billy Crystal had just invited everyone connected in any way with “Lord of the Rings” up on stage at the start and handed ’em one.

If you want to win an Oscar, forget Hollywood, go to New Zealand.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“We get into more things for less reasons than any nation in the world… Just the other day a little island down here, Haiti, they wanted to have a little shootin’ and use each other as targets. Well, the day the shootin’ was to come off, before they could fire the opening overture we was there, we was right there, there to get in it. We not only sent the Marines down, we said, “What’s the big idea of having a war?” and we went in… The Haitians don’t mind Marines because they have been around these countries and fought with them so much they like the Marines, they are likable chaps, you know… I don’t know how we know that all these things are goin’ on. We must have scouts out somewhere. It takes a big Navy for us and England just to locate somebody else’s business.” Radio Broadcast, April 6, 1930

“See where they don’t allow an American Senator to land in Haiti. Who would ever have thought that Haiti would be the first ideal country?” DT #197, March 14, 1927

“A Nation is built on Character the same as a person is, and no matter what their difficulties are, that old Character shows up.” WA #456, Sept. 20, 1931

 

# 310, February 22, 2004

COLUMBUS: Ohio is braced for the onslaught. Senator Kerry was in Dayton Wednesday, and Senator Edwards was here today. They both talk about jobs, but mainly it’s one job they’re after. Ralph Nader jumped in today but nobody knows if he’ll make a splash or a mere ripple.

Thursday I was talking to the Mutual Insurance Companies convention here, and I was kidding them about John Edwards. I said, you probably won’t vote for him because he’s a trial lawyer who got millions and millions from suing businesses and their insurance companies. But, I said, you might want to think it over. See, if he loses he’s out of work. And if he’s out of work, he’ll go back to lawyering, and you’ll have to raise your rates.

Mr. Edwards seems like a nice fellow. He’s a smooth talker and has some good-sounding ideas. As I listen to him though I keep thinking of how he made his millions, by persuading twelve people at a time to contribute huge sums of somebody else’s money to his client, so he could grab a third. As he lays out his plans for hope and optimism, and you calculate your share of the bill, be sure to add a third. He did say we need to educate more scientists and engineers, and I agree on that one. He was also wise enough not to mention any plan for growing more lawyers, because he knows they are a self-perpetuating lot.

All I know is what I read in the paper, and a headline said, “Dean quits race, vows to reform Democratic Party”. He’s taking on a Herculean task. It’s easier to get nominated than to get Democrats to reform. They nominate somebody every four years, kinda out of habit, but nobody’s old enough to remember when they ever reformed. But if you think it’s hard for a Democrat to reform, just try it on a Republican.

Governor Dean had a 2-year head start and $50,000,000, but when the voting started he went 0 for 17. Good luck to him on reform. He’s a doctor, so he may knock ’em out with ether, surgically remove the objectionable organs, call in a plastic surgeon for a face lift and in a few weeks introduce the “New Reformed Democrat”. Just because it hasn’t been done doesn’t mean it shouldn’t.

Have you noticed that Democrats and Republicans can’t agree on how many jobs will be formed in 2004. They can’t even agree on how many jobs HAVE been created. Republicans say there’s 138 million of us working, which is one million more than we had four years ago, and Democrats say we have lost 2.3 million jobs in four years. I guess that means there’s about 3.3 million of us that whenever a Republican is spying on us, we’re working, but if it’s a Democratic inspector looking our way, we just lean on our shovel.

After they agree on the number of jobs we’ve got, maybe we’ll listen to their prognostications on the number we’ll get.

These Democrats had better be careful how they yell at the President over jobs. He’s got a few hundred million stashed away for campaigning. Instead of spending it on television ads, which nobody watches if they can avoid ’em, Mr. Bush may just hire a million or so folks and put them to work.

Their job, if they accept it, will be to call their neighbors and brag about all the new jobs he has created. If he did try to hire a million, I bet he couldn’t find ’em because this thing will turn around and business will hire ’em out from under him, pay ’em more, and they won’t feel so obliged to vote Republican.

You know, Reno, Nevada has always claimed to be the divorce capital of the country. This month, just a few miles to the west, San Francisco staked a claim as the marriage capital. Of course, Massachusetts jumped in sooner, but San Fran says they’ve got a natural advantage, and deserve the crown. Most folks see this debate over marriage as a religious argument, but it’s mostly over money.

Chicago’s mayor don’t want his city left out and is putting in a claim of his own. Chicago prospered in the past when Prohibition referred to liquor, and not the prohibition of certain types of marriages, so they say they don’t want to be left out of prosperity in the future. Kinda like Prohibition, no matter which side you’re on it’ll end up costing you.

Oklahoma lost a favorite daughter this week, Charlotte Circle. She had lived in Ohio so long, Oklahoma may have forgotten her, but she sure never forgot Oklahoma.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“I maintain that it should cost as much to get married as it does to get divorced. Make it look like marriage is worth as much as divorce, even if it ain’t. That would also make the preachers financially independent like it has the lawyers.” DT #562, May 15, 1928

“…I knew cows better than I did lawyers. There is a way of studying a cow and learning all about her, but a lawyer? There has never been any course at college devised where you can take in “What Makes A Lawyer Like He Is?” WA #482, March 20, 1932

# 309, February 12, 2004

COLUMBUS: The President appointed a Commission to investigate why we went to war in Iraq. It’s peculiar. He knows why he went to war, but he’s going to keep it from them till after the election. Now, if they can dig up a good reason on their own sooner, he’ll let ’em report it in October.

There’s nothing wrong with appointing a Commission (see Historic quotes). But if we have to have one, most people would prefer they find out why Saudi Arabia keeps raising the price of our oil.

Senator Kerry won two more primaries. He’s building a lead that could take all the fun out of the primaries, if it wasn’t for Al Sharpton.

General Clark gave up the fight. This was a week after Oklahoma went out on a limb for him, and now he’s quit. Oklahoma gets left at the altar again. I may have to go out there and see if I can grab off a few “favorite son” delegates.

The candidates, what’s left of ’em, have moved on to Wisconsin. In 1928 “I”wrote, “Wisconsin is never doubtful. You can always depend on it doing just exactly what the other forty_seven don’t.” (DT #577, June 1, 1928) So there is hope yet for Governor Dean.

In the Dairy State, everything is Real. And everybody’s got a Wisconsin slogan. Dean says he is the “Real Choice”. Kerry is the “Real Deal”. Dennis Kucinich’s platform is “Really, one percent of the American people can’t be wrong.”

Between now and Tuesday they’ll all be looking for a mic. They can’t pass a microphone without spouting into it. They all have something important to say, but if you have a chance, there’s another fellow in Wisconsin you’ll enjoy listening to. He’s Mike McKinley, a professional speaker from Eau Claire.

He’s a friend of mine and I invited him to Ohio to speak in November. So, he stopped off on his way to give a big speech in New Jersey. Gave a wonderful talk, and a few days later I got a gift in the mail from him, just the same as if we had paid him. It was a container of M&M’s, with peanuts. (See, his initials are M. M., and he’s kinda nutty.) Mike knows I’m on that Adkin’s diet plan, and he figured I could eat one M&M a day without overdosing on carbs. At one a day I calculated the supply would last me till about Groundhog Day.

Sure enough, I was running low so I sent him a note, “Mike, should I buy some replacement M&M’s, or book you for another free speech?” Well, yesterday a package arrived, Priority Mail no less. Inside was a big 14 oz. package of M&M’s and a note. “Here’s more M&M’s. Now remember, one at a time is sublime.” That package will probably last me till Labor Day, if I can keep the granddaughters out of ’em.

Now, I’ve got to think of something to send him. He’s a wonderful fellow, and a terrific speaker, even if you have to pay him. His slogan is “Real Motivation, Real Change, Real Fun”. You might guess his web site. It’s: http//:www.RealMikeMcKinley.com

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Commissions have contributed more to humor than they have to achievement in American life.” Saturday Evening Post, Feb. 27, 1932

“I see by the papers [President] Hoover’s got a new commission. This is one of the most unique ones of all. He has appointed it to find out ‘if he storied about the Navy or if he didn’t.'” DT #1648, Nov. 3, 1931

“Commissions are fine, but they turn in a lot of data about something that ain’t so good. I mean, it’s bad data. They’re always investigating things that are bad, and the data is bad. Well, what’s the use of having a lot of statistics and data on something that you can’t use. It’s kind like garbage: what’s the use of collecting it if you don’t know what to do with it.

Appointing a commission is not any crime. It’s been considered a very fine way of handling anything, but it seems like a presidential commission don’t get nothin’ done. They don’t really earn the breakfast that they give ’em at the White House the day they appoint ’em.” Radio broadcast, April 30, 1933

# 308, February 4, 2004

COLUMBUS: I’ve been getting all kind of calls this week, asking “what would Will say about the Super Bowl?” Well, based on what everybody has been talking about since Sunday, as a public service let me first tell you that it turned out to be a great game, probably one of the best Super Bowls ever played.

New England won 32 to 29 over Carolina, on a field goal with four seconds left. You football fans already knew that, but I put the score in just for the benefit of the ones that only tuned in for the commercials and half time show.

I didn’t see the MTV half time show myself. Like most older guys, I took a break till they got back to football. But I heard about it next morning.

But you asked me what I think about it, so I’ll tell you. Many folks were offended, and if you had children watching, downright mad. And I sure don’t want to contribute to your outrage. But I figure a lot of older guys, the lifetime football fans, are probably thinking, kinda like Johnny Carson you know, if it had to happen… not that we wanted it to, mind you, but if it was gonna come off…, why couldn’t it have been a few years ago, when the halftime singer was Dolly Parton.

But really, I liked it better when the entertainment was marching bands, and maybe a college drill team.

Despite all this distraction, they held elections in seven states Tuesday, and Senator Kerry took five including Missouri, New Mexico and Arizona. But General Clark took Oklahoma, and that bumped the senator off the Route 66 “road to the White House”. He might still get there, but it’ll be without Oklahoma.

You may have missed the news, but Senator Lieberman dropped out. Nobody seemed to know he was running, and now, hardly anybody knows he quit. It could have been a whole lot better for him if he had just made a bigger splash, got more attention to his stand on things. Seeing all the publicity and notoriety those two halftime singers are getting, he may be wondering today, “why didn’t I think of pulling a stunt like that during an Iowa debate, before Carol Moseley Braun dropped out”.

Senator Kerry is attracting all the Democrats attention now. They say he’s a tool of the special interests, taking money from lobbyists. He explained that, yes, he took their money, but he never let that influence his vote. Earlier, Governor Dean drilled him for not getting any bills through Congress, and Mr. Kerry told him that wasn’t exactly true. He explained to us how Congress really works, that whenever a Senator sees that his own bill won’t pass, he just tacks it onto a good one that’s guaranteed to get the votes.

So this week on television, we got lessons on democracy, and anatomy. One was just as foolish as the other. But they’re nice folks at heart and mean well.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“Putting a lobbyist out of business is like a hired man trying to fire his boss.” DT #2704, April 5, 1935

# 307, January 29, 2004

COLUMBUS: Oklahoma has been hit by a blizzard of politicians. Clark, Edwards, Lieberman, even Kucinich. It was unusually cold on Tuesday, but those candidates all arrived Wednesday, and it heated right up again. Tonight the heat wave moved east to South Carolina.

Senator Lieberman escaped New Hampshire in fifth place. In Oklahoma he tried out a new platform idea on health care. It’s a bold attempt to move up to fourth. He said, “I plan to fix what’s wrong with our health care, but keep what’s right”.

Now there’s a policy you can’t argue against. Why if he had been saying that, and only that and nothing else, why he would have swept Iowa and New Hampshire. Every voter in this country, a hundred percent of them, would agree with that one simple statement. But here’s where the fun comes…getting ’em to agree on what’s wrong, and what’s right.

Our Oklahoma Governor, Mr. Henry, has his own health plan. He wants to raise taxes on cigarettes, by 52 cents a pack. He figures what’s wrong with our health care is too many of us are smoking. In his plan, the poor folks that can’t afford to smoke will give it up, and naturally get healthier. And the ones that keep smoking will pay millions of dollars in this extra tax, and that’ll cover their hospital bills, and the bills for all the obese and other sickly folks, and even the doctors’ malpractice insurance.

In Tennessee, the Nashville schools say they will stop announcing an Honor Roll. Lawyers claim an Honor Roll is unconstitutional because the ones left off might feel embarrassed. Well, I always thought that was kinda the idea, to make them work harder next time. But no, it seems there’s a certain group that’s proud of their C’s and D’s, and because they can somehow afford to hire a team of lawyers to represent their cause, there’ll be no more honor rolls in Nashville schools.

These school officials also announced that while high school basketball games will continue to be played, they won’t keep score.

They also asked Nashville’s own Vanderbilt University to adopt a new plan whereby they would hand out academic scholarships randomly to their high school seniors, regardless of ability. Kinda like they do now with football scholarships.

I got a plan for any Presidential candidate that’ll adopt it. It’s the Route 66 strategy. On Tuesday there’s four of those Route 66 states up for grabs: Missouri, Oklahoma, New Mexico and Arizona. Any candidate that can sweep those four, and then clean up in the other Route 66 states… Illinois, Texas and California… why, he will wrap up not only the nomination, but the election too if he can hold ’em through November. So get your kicks (and delegates) on Route 66.

And forget about Tennessee. Nashville won’t let ’em count the ballots, even if a couple of the candidates are beyond embarrassment.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“The greatest thing to recommend the Democrats is optimism and humor. You’ve got to be optimist to be a Democrat, and you’ve got to be a humorist to stay one.” Radio broadcast, June 24, 1934

# 306, January 22, 2004

COLUMBUS: I’ve been laying low since those Iowa votes came in Monday night. My Iowa no-till farmers might have misled you on Dick Gephardt, but it ain’t their fault. I am convinced there’s a hoard of you Gephardt voters out there who figured he would win in a romp, so why go out on a cold night just to vote. That’s what knocked him out.

But those farmers had Dean pegged. See, if you leave out Gephardt, it was Kerry that came out on top in our little poll, with Edwards and Clark next. Now that’s amazing. General Clark never even set foot in Iowa. The Army don’t hardly recognize the state; they only have two forts. That’s Fort Madison and Fort Dodge, and they’re not really forts, just towns. So if the General wants to score well in New Hampshire, he should get out quick, and maybe the voters will forget he was there and vote for him accidently.

Senator Kerry is feeling confident, looking good. He survived the New Hampshire debate tonight and his only worry is all those new residents of New Hampshire, the ones that moved there from Massachusetts to get away from Massachusetts.

Iowa is ready for a breather. They need some rest before a herd of 2008 Republican candidates starts stampeding through the state. Next Wednesday.

If it ain’t politics on television, it’s trials. We got so many trials going on… Martha Stewart in New York, Michael Jackson in Los Angeles, Kobe in Colorado, Scott Peterson in Modesto. Did you see where that Enron couple in Houston pleaded guilty? They saw all the competition, figured nobody is going to watch us in court, and rather than go unrecognized they surrendered even if it did cost them $29 million.

The Peterson trial got moved out of Modesto. The judge said he was looking for a town with 12 people with absolutely no knowledge of anything. That’s the only requirement. He found one near San Francisco, but I thought sure he would’ve picked Hollywood. In Hollywood they would only have to find 9 more jurors ’cause everybody knows they already got three that meet his criteria: Paris Hilton, Michael Moore and Jessica Simpson.

With all this blather, there was some good news this week. All those McDonalds burgers and fries you ate over the years have paid dividends. It turns out that Ray and Joan Kroc saved up some of the dough you dropped at the golden arches, and they left a tidy sum to the Salvation Army: $1.5 Billion. If we can match that in the kettles next Christmas what a great time it will be for a great organization.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“A comedian is not supposed to be serious nor to know much. As long as he is silly enough to get laughs, why, people let it go at that. But I claim you have to have a serious streak in you or you can’t see the funny side in the other fellow. Last Sunday night a young girl [Rheba Crawford] who had made a big hit in the Salvation Army preaching on the street in New York decided to go out and give religious lectures on her own. So on her first appearance I was asked by her to introduce her. She said she would rather have me than a preacher, or a politician, or any one else. Well, I could understand being picked in preference to a politician, as that is one class us comedians have it on for public respect, but to be chosen in preference to a preacher was something new and novel. The meeting was held in a theater, as you have to fool some New Yorkers to get them in to hear a sermon. Well, it took no great stretch of imagination to say something good for the Salvation Army.” WA #13, March 11, 1923