Category: Uncategorized

# 311, February 29, 2004

COLUMBUS: This is Leap Day, not only leap day, but also the fifth Sunday in February, a rare occasion. A fifth Sunday in February comes so seldom, why, we send Marines to Haiti more often. (See Historic quotes below)

We sent our Marines in there again today. If we turn those boys loose, that little revolution down there will be over quick. If fact it could be shorter than the Academy Awards show going on tonight. But we won’t turn them loose, so the Marines will be there a while. And when they come home it’ll be for a short rest, till we send them back again.

Of course the Academy Awards didn’t have to run so long. They could have been over by 10:30 if Billy Crystal had just invited everyone connected in any way with “Lord of the Rings” up on stage at the start and handed ’em one.

If you want to win an Oscar, forget Hollywood, go to New Zealand.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“We get into more things for less reasons than any nation in the world… Just the other day a little island down here, Haiti, they wanted to have a little shootin’ and use each other as targets. Well, the day the shootin’ was to come off, before they could fire the opening overture we was there, we was right there, there to get in it. We not only sent the Marines down, we said, “What’s the big idea of having a war?” and we went in… The Haitians don’t mind Marines because they have been around these countries and fought with them so much they like the Marines, they are likable chaps, you know… I don’t know how we know that all these things are goin’ on. We must have scouts out somewhere. It takes a big Navy for us and England just to locate somebody else’s business.” Radio Broadcast, April 6, 1930

“See where they don’t allow an American Senator to land in Haiti. Who would ever have thought that Haiti would be the first ideal country?” DT #197, March 14, 1927

“A Nation is built on Character the same as a person is, and no matter what their difficulties are, that old Character shows up.” WA #456, Sept. 20, 1931

 

# 310, February 22, 2004

COLUMBUS: Ohio is braced for the onslaught. Senator Kerry was in Dayton Wednesday, and Senator Edwards was here today. They both talk about jobs, but mainly it’s one job they’re after. Ralph Nader jumped in today but nobody knows if he’ll make a splash or a mere ripple.

Thursday I was talking to the Mutual Insurance Companies convention here, and I was kidding them about John Edwards. I said, you probably won’t vote for him because he’s a trial lawyer who got millions and millions from suing businesses and their insurance companies. But, I said, you might want to think it over. See, if he loses he’s out of work. And if he’s out of work, he’ll go back to lawyering, and you’ll have to raise your rates.

Mr. Edwards seems like a nice fellow. He’s a smooth talker and has some good-sounding ideas. As I listen to him though I keep thinking of how he made his millions, by persuading twelve people at a time to contribute huge sums of somebody else’s money to his client, so he could grab a third. As he lays out his plans for hope and optimism, and you calculate your share of the bill, be sure to add a third. He did say we need to educate more scientists and engineers, and I agree on that one. He was also wise enough not to mention any plan for growing more lawyers, because he knows they are a self-perpetuating lot.

All I know is what I read in the paper, and a headline said, “Dean quits race, vows to reform Democratic Party”. He’s taking on a Herculean task. It’s easier to get nominated than to get Democrats to reform. They nominate somebody every four years, kinda out of habit, but nobody’s old enough to remember when they ever reformed. But if you think it’s hard for a Democrat to reform, just try it on a Republican.

Governor Dean had a 2-year head start and $50,000,000, but when the voting started he went 0 for 17. Good luck to him on reform. He’s a doctor, so he may knock ’em out with ether, surgically remove the objectionable organs, call in a plastic surgeon for a face lift and in a few weeks introduce the “New Reformed Democrat”. Just because it hasn’t been done doesn’t mean it shouldn’t.

Have you noticed that Democrats and Republicans can’t agree on how many jobs will be formed in 2004. They can’t even agree on how many jobs HAVE been created. Republicans say there’s 138 million of us working, which is one million more than we had four years ago, and Democrats say we have lost 2.3 million jobs in four years. I guess that means there’s about 3.3 million of us that whenever a Republican is spying on us, we’re working, but if it’s a Democratic inspector looking our way, we just lean on our shovel.

After they agree on the number of jobs we’ve got, maybe we’ll listen to their prognostications on the number we’ll get.

These Democrats had better be careful how they yell at the President over jobs. He’s got a few hundred million stashed away for campaigning. Instead of spending it on television ads, which nobody watches if they can avoid ’em, Mr. Bush may just hire a million or so folks and put them to work.

Their job, if they accept it, will be to call their neighbors and brag about all the new jobs he has created. If he did try to hire a million, I bet he couldn’t find ’em because this thing will turn around and business will hire ’em out from under him, pay ’em more, and they won’t feel so obliged to vote Republican.

You know, Reno, Nevada has always claimed to be the divorce capital of the country. This month, just a few miles to the west, San Francisco staked a claim as the marriage capital. Of course, Massachusetts jumped in sooner, but San Fran says they’ve got a natural advantage, and deserve the crown. Most folks see this debate over marriage as a religious argument, but it’s mostly over money.

Chicago’s mayor don’t want his city left out and is putting in a claim of his own. Chicago prospered in the past when Prohibition referred to liquor, and not the prohibition of certain types of marriages, so they say they don’t want to be left out of prosperity in the future. Kinda like Prohibition, no matter which side you’re on it’ll end up costing you.

Oklahoma lost a favorite daughter this week, Charlotte Circle. She had lived in Ohio so long, Oklahoma may have forgotten her, but she sure never forgot Oklahoma.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“I maintain that it should cost as much to get married as it does to get divorced. Make it look like marriage is worth as much as divorce, even if it ain’t. That would also make the preachers financially independent like it has the lawyers.” DT #562, May 15, 1928

“…I knew cows better than I did lawyers. There is a way of studying a cow and learning all about her, but a lawyer? There has never been any course at college devised where you can take in “What Makes A Lawyer Like He Is?” WA #482, March 20, 1932

# 309, February 12, 2004

COLUMBUS: The President appointed a Commission to investigate why we went to war in Iraq. It’s peculiar. He knows why he went to war, but he’s going to keep it from them till after the election. Now, if they can dig up a good reason on their own sooner, he’ll let ’em report it in October.

There’s nothing wrong with appointing a Commission (see Historic quotes). But if we have to have one, most people would prefer they find out why Saudi Arabia keeps raising the price of our oil.

Senator Kerry won two more primaries. He’s building a lead that could take all the fun out of the primaries, if it wasn’t for Al Sharpton.

General Clark gave up the fight. This was a week after Oklahoma went out on a limb for him, and now he’s quit. Oklahoma gets left at the altar again. I may have to go out there and see if I can grab off a few “favorite son” delegates.

The candidates, what’s left of ’em, have moved on to Wisconsin. In 1928 “I”wrote, “Wisconsin is never doubtful. You can always depend on it doing just exactly what the other forty_seven don’t.” (DT #577, June 1, 1928) So there is hope yet for Governor Dean.

In the Dairy State, everything is Real. And everybody’s got a Wisconsin slogan. Dean says he is the “Real Choice”. Kerry is the “Real Deal”. Dennis Kucinich’s platform is “Really, one percent of the American people can’t be wrong.”

Between now and Tuesday they’ll all be looking for a mic. They can’t pass a microphone without spouting into it. They all have something important to say, but if you have a chance, there’s another fellow in Wisconsin you’ll enjoy listening to. He’s Mike McKinley, a professional speaker from Eau Claire.

He’s a friend of mine and I invited him to Ohio to speak in November. So, he stopped off on his way to give a big speech in New Jersey. Gave a wonderful talk, and a few days later I got a gift in the mail from him, just the same as if we had paid him. It was a container of M&M’s, with peanuts. (See, his initials are M. M., and he’s kinda nutty.) Mike knows I’m on that Adkin’s diet plan, and he figured I could eat one M&M a day without overdosing on carbs. At one a day I calculated the supply would last me till about Groundhog Day.

Sure enough, I was running low so I sent him a note, “Mike, should I buy some replacement M&M’s, or book you for another free speech?” Well, yesterday a package arrived, Priority Mail no less. Inside was a big 14 oz. package of M&M’s and a note. “Here’s more M&M’s. Now remember, one at a time is sublime.” That package will probably last me till Labor Day, if I can keep the granddaughters out of ’em.

Now, I’ve got to think of something to send him. He’s a wonderful fellow, and a terrific speaker, even if you have to pay him. His slogan is “Real Motivation, Real Change, Real Fun”. You might guess his web site. It’s: http//:www.RealMikeMcKinley.com

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Commissions have contributed more to humor than they have to achievement in American life.” Saturday Evening Post, Feb. 27, 1932

“I see by the papers [President] Hoover’s got a new commission. This is one of the most unique ones of all. He has appointed it to find out ‘if he storied about the Navy or if he didn’t.'” DT #1648, Nov. 3, 1931

“Commissions are fine, but they turn in a lot of data about something that ain’t so good. I mean, it’s bad data. They’re always investigating things that are bad, and the data is bad. Well, what’s the use of having a lot of statistics and data on something that you can’t use. It’s kind like garbage: what’s the use of collecting it if you don’t know what to do with it.

Appointing a commission is not any crime. It’s been considered a very fine way of handling anything, but it seems like a presidential commission don’t get nothin’ done. They don’t really earn the breakfast that they give ’em at the White House the day they appoint ’em.” Radio broadcast, April 30, 1933

# 308, February 4, 2004

COLUMBUS: I’ve been getting all kind of calls this week, asking “what would Will say about the Super Bowl?” Well, based on what everybody has been talking about since Sunday, as a public service let me first tell you that it turned out to be a great game, probably one of the best Super Bowls ever played.

New England won 32 to 29 over Carolina, on a field goal with four seconds left. You football fans already knew that, but I put the score in just for the benefit of the ones that only tuned in for the commercials and half time show.

I didn’t see the MTV half time show myself. Like most older guys, I took a break till they got back to football. But I heard about it next morning.

But you asked me what I think about it, so I’ll tell you. Many folks were offended, and if you had children watching, downright mad. And I sure don’t want to contribute to your outrage. But I figure a lot of older guys, the lifetime football fans, are probably thinking, kinda like Johnny Carson you know, if it had to happen… not that we wanted it to, mind you, but if it was gonna come off…, why couldn’t it have been a few years ago, when the halftime singer was Dolly Parton.

But really, I liked it better when the entertainment was marching bands, and maybe a college drill team.

Despite all this distraction, they held elections in seven states Tuesday, and Senator Kerry took five including Missouri, New Mexico and Arizona. But General Clark took Oklahoma, and that bumped the senator off the Route 66 “road to the White House”. He might still get there, but it’ll be without Oklahoma.

You may have missed the news, but Senator Lieberman dropped out. Nobody seemed to know he was running, and now, hardly anybody knows he quit. It could have been a whole lot better for him if he had just made a bigger splash, got more attention to his stand on things. Seeing all the publicity and notoriety those two halftime singers are getting, he may be wondering today, “why didn’t I think of pulling a stunt like that during an Iowa debate, before Carol Moseley Braun dropped out”.

Senator Kerry is attracting all the Democrats attention now. They say he’s a tool of the special interests, taking money from lobbyists. He explained that, yes, he took their money, but he never let that influence his vote. Earlier, Governor Dean drilled him for not getting any bills through Congress, and Mr. Kerry told him that wasn’t exactly true. He explained to us how Congress really works, that whenever a Senator sees that his own bill won’t pass, he just tacks it onto a good one that’s guaranteed to get the votes.

So this week on television, we got lessons on democracy, and anatomy. One was just as foolish as the other. But they’re nice folks at heart and mean well.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“Putting a lobbyist out of business is like a hired man trying to fire his boss.” DT #2704, April 5, 1935

# 307, January 29, 2004

COLUMBUS: Oklahoma has been hit by a blizzard of politicians. Clark, Edwards, Lieberman, even Kucinich. It was unusually cold on Tuesday, but those candidates all arrived Wednesday, and it heated right up again. Tonight the heat wave moved east to South Carolina.

Senator Lieberman escaped New Hampshire in fifth place. In Oklahoma he tried out a new platform idea on health care. It’s a bold attempt to move up to fourth. He said, “I plan to fix what’s wrong with our health care, but keep what’s right”.

Now there’s a policy you can’t argue against. Why if he had been saying that, and only that and nothing else, why he would have swept Iowa and New Hampshire. Every voter in this country, a hundred percent of them, would agree with that one simple statement. But here’s where the fun comes…getting ’em to agree on what’s wrong, and what’s right.

Our Oklahoma Governor, Mr. Henry, has his own health plan. He wants to raise taxes on cigarettes, by 52 cents a pack. He figures what’s wrong with our health care is too many of us are smoking. In his plan, the poor folks that can’t afford to smoke will give it up, and naturally get healthier. And the ones that keep smoking will pay millions of dollars in this extra tax, and that’ll cover their hospital bills, and the bills for all the obese and other sickly folks, and even the doctors’ malpractice insurance.

In Tennessee, the Nashville schools say they will stop announcing an Honor Roll. Lawyers claim an Honor Roll is unconstitutional because the ones left off might feel embarrassed. Well, I always thought that was kinda the idea, to make them work harder next time. But no, it seems there’s a certain group that’s proud of their C’s and D’s, and because they can somehow afford to hire a team of lawyers to represent their cause, there’ll be no more honor rolls in Nashville schools.

These school officials also announced that while high school basketball games will continue to be played, they won’t keep score.

They also asked Nashville’s own Vanderbilt University to adopt a new plan whereby they would hand out academic scholarships randomly to their high school seniors, regardless of ability. Kinda like they do now with football scholarships.

I got a plan for any Presidential candidate that’ll adopt it. It’s the Route 66 strategy. On Tuesday there’s four of those Route 66 states up for grabs: Missouri, Oklahoma, New Mexico and Arizona. Any candidate that can sweep those four, and then clean up in the other Route 66 states… Illinois, Texas and California… why, he will wrap up not only the nomination, but the election too if he can hold ’em through November. So get your kicks (and delegates) on Route 66.

And forget about Tennessee. Nashville won’t let ’em count the ballots, even if a couple of the candidates are beyond embarrassment.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“The greatest thing to recommend the Democrats is optimism and humor. You’ve got to be optimist to be a Democrat, and you’ve got to be a humorist to stay one.” Radio broadcast, June 24, 1934

# 306, January 22, 2004

COLUMBUS: I’ve been laying low since those Iowa votes came in Monday night. My Iowa no-till farmers might have misled you on Dick Gephardt, but it ain’t their fault. I am convinced there’s a hoard of you Gephardt voters out there who figured he would win in a romp, so why go out on a cold night just to vote. That’s what knocked him out.

But those farmers had Dean pegged. See, if you leave out Gephardt, it was Kerry that came out on top in our little poll, with Edwards and Clark next. Now that’s amazing. General Clark never even set foot in Iowa. The Army don’t hardly recognize the state; they only have two forts. That’s Fort Madison and Fort Dodge, and they’re not really forts, just towns. So if the General wants to score well in New Hampshire, he should get out quick, and maybe the voters will forget he was there and vote for him accidently.

Senator Kerry is feeling confident, looking good. He survived the New Hampshire debate tonight and his only worry is all those new residents of New Hampshire, the ones that moved there from Massachusetts to get away from Massachusetts.

Iowa is ready for a breather. They need some rest before a herd of 2008 Republican candidates starts stampeding through the state. Next Wednesday.

If it ain’t politics on television, it’s trials. We got so many trials going on… Martha Stewart in New York, Michael Jackson in Los Angeles, Kobe in Colorado, Scott Peterson in Modesto. Did you see where that Enron couple in Houston pleaded guilty? They saw all the competition, figured nobody is going to watch us in court, and rather than go unrecognized they surrendered even if it did cost them $29 million.

The Peterson trial got moved out of Modesto. The judge said he was looking for a town with 12 people with absolutely no knowledge of anything. That’s the only requirement. He found one near San Francisco, but I thought sure he would’ve picked Hollywood. In Hollywood they would only have to find 9 more jurors ’cause everybody knows they already got three that meet his criteria: Paris Hilton, Michael Moore and Jessica Simpson.

With all this blather, there was some good news this week. All those McDonalds burgers and fries you ate over the years have paid dividends. It turns out that Ray and Joan Kroc saved up some of the dough you dropped at the golden arches, and they left a tidy sum to the Salvation Army: $1.5 Billion. If we can match that in the kettles next Christmas what a great time it will be for a great organization.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“A comedian is not supposed to be serious nor to know much. As long as he is silly enough to get laughs, why, people let it go at that. But I claim you have to have a serious streak in you or you can’t see the funny side in the other fellow. Last Sunday night a young girl [Rheba Crawford] who had made a big hit in the Salvation Army preaching on the street in New York decided to go out and give religious lectures on her own. So on her first appearance I was asked by her to introduce her. She said she would rather have me than a preacher, or a politician, or any one else. Well, I could understand being picked in preference to a politician, as that is one class us comedians have it on for public respect, but to be chosen in preference to a preacher was something new and novel. The meeting was held in a theater, as you have to fool some New Yorkers to get them in to hear a sermon. Well, it took no great stretch of imagination to say something good for the Salvation Army.” WA #13, March 11, 1923

Gephardt wins Iowa No-Till Farmer Caucus (sort of)

DES MOINES, Iowa: If you have been waiting apprehensively for Iowa to select your Democratic front runner for President, you can relax. It’s over and decided.

I know, you’re saying we’re a week early, and some of you will insist on holding on to this news till next Monday night. But the results won’t change none.

See, the No-Till Farmers of America met here in Des Moines this week, including a substantial number from Iowa, and a few from Europe. They spent the better part of four days learning all the newest techniques to grow bigger and better crops, how to spend less, and to keep their soil and fertilizer out of your streams and rivers and lakes. And they’re doing a mighty fine job of it, too.

But last night at the annual banquet, we figured why not get a jump on the Iowa Caucuses. After all, we had a captive group bigger than most that will gather around the state in the various schoolrooms, church basements and machine sheds.

We allowed only authentic Iowans to vote, and while we had a lot of fun the voting and counting were done with fairness, accuracy and utmost decorum. Except, there was one rather raucous group of “outsiders”, from the great state of Nebraska. They tried to field a Dark Horse candidate of their own but were promptly ruled out of order. We didn’t want to give the Supreme Court an excuse to intervene. You can understand their frustration, being a next door neighbor and getting cut out of the fun every four years. But this field of Presidential contenders is already loaded down with about half dark horses already, so there’ll be no more allowed.

Whereas in the past these Caucus affairs have been known to run on for three or four hours, by eliminating the speeches for nominating and seconding we cut the whole process down to seven minutes. We wanted to leave most of the evening for the fine inspirational speaker, Ron Gustafson from Omaha, and believe me he was worth it. Go hear him whenever you can.

When all the voting was done, Dick Gephardt got 37 percent of the votes cast for the nine candidates. Senator Kerry had 25 percent standing in his corner, and Senator Edwards and General Clark tied for third with 12 percent each.

You may wonder, where was Howard Dean? Well, he suffered perhaps the biggest blow, coming in tied for last place, with Al Sharpton and Joe Lieberman.

But really there was one bigger blow. After we had gone through all nine candidates we sensed a few farmers had not voted. So we announced a new category, “None of the Above”. It was as if a wave had rushed through the banquet hall. Fully 65.5 percent of those Iowans stood, and many even cheered. So while Mr. Gephardt can smile a bit, the whole of the Democratic Party has reason to frown.

If you are wondering, was it fair to let all Iowa vote instead of only Democrats? Yes it was. See, Iowa is a bit peculiar when it comes to elections. They have two Senators, like all of us. And when Senator Grassley runs for re-election they are mainly Republican, and when Senator Harkin runs they are mainly Democrat. Since neither one of ’em is up for re-election in 2004, you might say Iowa is mainly… muddled. But by November it’ll clear up.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Democrats never agree on anything. That’s why they’re Democrats. If they could agree with each other, they would be Republicans.” Saturday Evening Post, May 1, 1926

“Personally, I don’t think the Democrats will enter anybody. If they are wise they will let it go by default. There is only one way to get even with [the President] now, and that is to leave him in there another term.” WA #14, March 18, 1923

# 304, January 6, 2004

COLUMBUS: Our colleges finished off another season with their big Bowl games. Southern California invited Michigan out to their home territory and sprung a trap on the Wolverines. They claimed they were champions, but then Louisiana State had Oklahoma down to New Orleans for Sunday supper and cooked the Sooners Cajun style, so naturally they laid claim to the big prize, too. Now we’ve got two champions, and it’ll give the boys something to argue over in 2004 besides politics and Pete Rose betting on baseball.

Ohio State won their game out in Phoenix. It wasn’t as big a game as last year, but a win is a win. The Arizona desert air seems mighty agreeable to them and they might not object to a return trip next year. In fact in Ohio the whole state is feeling good about the Bowls, while the entire state of Oklahoma is feeling poorly and ready to change the subject to basketball.

They may argue about this Bowl Championship Series, but there is something to be said when you can have two champions, not just one. And when 25 or 30 teams can go home as a winner that ain’t all bad either.

When the pros wrap up their Super Bowl next month there’ll only be one team that can end on a high note, and the way Irv Favre is looking out for his son Brett, it’s hard to bet against Green Bay.

Forget sports for a moment; did you see the excitement at NASA when that rover landed? Now, a lot of professional speakers will tell you that engineers are a tough audience because they don’t show emotion. But let me tell you, the way those engineers were jumping and hollering and dancing around, if it had been football they would’ve been penalized 15 yards for excessive celebration.

And have you seen those photos from Mars? Over a hundred million miles away, and they’re clearer than a lot of holiday family pictures shot from across the room.

I’m flying out to Des Moines tomorrow, to check on the Democrats. There’s a farm meeting going on, and if I can round up a Caucus, I’ll get an early reading for you on who has the hot hand heading into the Primaries.

It won’t matter whether Iowa favors Dean or Edwards, or Gephardt or Kerry, or Sharpton or Braun, or even Prancer and Vixen. Those birds can stand out in the middle of a frozen corn field and sing the praises of ethanol till their face turn blue, but it won’t warm the hearts, or sway the minds, of the determined voter. No sir, there’s only one plan guaranteed to bring Victory to my Democrats, and it’s the same plan “I” first proposed in 1924. (read below)

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

The following is part of a “nominating speech” Will wrote for his newspaper column on the Eleventh Day of the 1924 Democratic Convention, where they argued for SIXTEEN DAYS over who to nominate to oppose incumbent Republican Calvin Coolidge.

“Oh, my friends, I am too good a Democrat not to be appreciative of what the party has done for me, not to try and warn you while there is yet time.

We are not gathered here just to name a nominee of the next election, but we are here to name the next President of the grand and glorious United States, of which this party today is the sole refuge for the true patriot.

The man we name must be a man of unquestioned integrity… The man we name must be a man who is not now connected with these inter-sectional fights and feuds here on the floor. The man I am about to name is absolutely aloof from them….

The man we name must be able to go into the far Westland and reap a majority…

The man we name must be able to remove any doubtful States into the realm of certainty. The man I am about to name can give you a majority that will look like a census report…

The man we name here must have no taint of Wall Street. The man I am about to name never saw Wall Street. The man we name here must have absolutely no affiliation with the Klan… The man we name must be of no minority religious creed. The man I am about to name belongs to the creed whose voters are in the majority…

We have our greatest chance this year to bring home victory. That great scandal in our opponents’ party and their close affiliation with predatory wealth has given us an unbounded opportunity… Don’t let us disrupt the party when we can win. We will go to a sure Democratic defeat if we name the wrong man.

The man I am about to name is the only man in these grand and glorious United States who, if we nominate, we can go home and have no worry as to the outcome. Don’t, oh, my Democratic Colleagues, listen to my friend William Jennings Bryan. He named ten candidates; ten men can’t win! Only one man can win. Trust me just this once and I will lead you out of this darkened wilderness into the gates of the White House. There is only one man. That man I am about to name to you is Calvin Coolidge.” Convention Articles, July 3, 1924

# 303, December 30, 2003

COLUMBUS: Television news is saying today that beef from that old milk cow in Washington state, which couldn’t amount to more than about 800 pounds of hamburger, has been spread over 8 western states. Never in history has anyone distributed such a small amount of meat among so many people, except for our Lord Savior himself, and he only did it with fish. Closest anybody has ever come to it with hamburger is McDonalds.

You know, if 3M were to drop an ounce of arsenic in the Mississippi River at St. Paul (not that they would ever do that) our news folks would advise us to stop drinking the water all the way to the Gulf of Mexico.

Now everyone is for safe food, and it’s hard for anyone to argue ours isn’t safe, as much as we eat of it. We eat more than we should and live longer, so it can’t all be poison to us.

But the whole American beef industry is about to be downed by one old milk cow of Canadian heritage. Can you believe it, on account of one sick Holstein, Japan stopped shipment on millions of pounds of Angus T-bone steaks and Hereford prime rib. There’s boatloads of beef heading across the Pacific that may be dumped overboard.

Just imagine if you can, if Japan discovered that one new Toyota Camry (or even an old one) was infected with some terrible disease, like Injector Influenza. (This disease has been known to cause wheezing and coughing, and can even lead to an engine dying.) Do you suppose we would immediately halt the import of Camrys? And not only Camrys but all Toyota models, plus Nissans and Hondas? Well, if we did we would be just as foolish as they are in refusing our rump roasts.

The terror threat is up for the holidays and we’re spending Billions on extra police and security. I wouldn’t be surprised that since bin Ladin and his al Quada followers seem to hate capitalism, he is happy just to see us spending so much of our “excess” profits on our own protection. But I wonder if old Osama has been watching us and how we react to all this mad cow news. He’s liable to come up with a new plan. He’ll have his men hijack a cargo plane at London’s airport, load it with British cows that all have that disease, fly ’em over here and scatter the meat across our eastern states.

Happy New Year. 2004 should be a good one. Enjoy the football games, and eat more beef.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Now I say, and have always claimed, that things would pick up in ’32. Why ’32? Well, because ’32 is an election year, see, and the Republicans always see that everything looks good on election year, see? They give us three good years and one bad one…. no, three bad ones and one good one. I like to got it wrong. That’s the Democrats does the other. They give us three bad years and one good one, but the good one always comes on the year that the voting is, see? Everything will pick up next year and be fine.” Radio broadcast, Oct. 18, 1931

“Well, the old year will be passing out in a few hours, and I don’t know personally of a thing that I can do about it. I guess there will be a lot of people will take it up with the government, as they look to them to do everything else.” DT #2622, Dec. 31, 1934

# 302, December 23, 2003

COLUMBUS: It is snowing tonight, just the way Ohio likes it for Christmas. Enough to cover the ground, but leave the roads clear.

Did you see that Monday Night Football game last night? Brett Favre’s dad died Sunday, and yet he went out and played his best game ever, threw 4 touchdown passes and over 300 yards, and that was just in the first half.

Even the Oakland Raiders sensed they were outnumbered. There was a twelfth man out there for Green Bay. He wasn’t on the field, he was up above it.

News came out today that an old dairy cow out in Washington had the mad cow disease. Now you’re going to hear all kinds of scary stories over the next few weeks, and nobody will convince you it wasn’t consequential, at least for that particular cow.

But don’t be alarmed. The chances of you winning one of those big lotteries this week is a million times greater than of your family getting a bite of meat from that cow. There’s liable to be more people killed in their automobiles returning beef to their grocer in the next week than will ever die here of that mad cow affliction.

So enjoy your Christmas dinner. No matter what you are serving, whether it’s turkey or ham, or fish or T-bone steak, just make sure you cook it right. That’s what counts, as far as food is concerned.

Merry Christmas.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Well, there is lots more good cheer this Christmas than last (or the last three) and it’s not all out of bottles either. It’s in the heart, in the confidence and in the renewed hope of everybody.” DT #2306, December 24, 1933

“Mr. Henry Ford told me he would make me a present of the first new Ford car [the Model A], and sure enough, when I got here today, here she is. It’s the first one delivered for actual use, and believe me I sure am using it. Nobody is looking at these Rolls_Royces here in Beverly Hills.” DT #439, December 22, 1927