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COLUMBUS: Gasoline prices are coming down. Last week $1.70, today $1.42. Forget what Mr. Rumsfeld and Tommy Franks are telling you. The best gauge of how the war is going is gas prices. Gas prices and Wall Street.

Last week I overestimated Turkey, and I apologize for my optimism. At the time it looked like they would let us take a shortcut through their back yard. But no, they want our soldiers to take the scenic route, the two-week cruise through the Red Sea before they have to face Saddam’s Elite Republican Guard. That’ll give the Kurds two more weeks to get ready for the Turks. They’ll need it, they’ve only been preparing for 80 years.

In Washington, the Senate cut the President’s tax cut in half. They will only let us have $350 Billion of our money back. Mr. Bush says we need the entire $700 Billion tax cut for the country to recover. The Senate says, “No, we’re better off if we just let half the country recover.” The other half won’t get to recover till the next war. (I’ll let you guess which half you’re in.)

Really, what they said was they need $350 Billion to pay for the war. Mr. Rumsfeld figures he needs no more than $100 Billion. So don’t be surprised if the final budget bill includes $100 Billion for Rumsfeld and $250 Billion for our various Congressional Districts, mainly to build armor plated pork barrels.

We lost a dozen soldiers when they made a wrong turn and ended up in enemy territory. It is tragic and our thoughts and prayers are with them and their families. You’ve got to remember though that a wrong turn in some of our bigger cities can give you the same result.

I’ve been following the war live on CNN by videophone, especially the 7^th Cavalry. It’s amazing, they have gone 250 miles into Iraq, and not lost a single horse.

I just heard we knocked Iraqi television off the air without blowing up the station. Now there’s some technology that can come in handy the next time one of those Survivor shows comes on.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (more on Europe, and Turkey)

“Europe, when I was over there lately, and when I was over there two or three years ago, used to ask me, they says, “Rogers, why is it you all are in so bad?” You know, nobody seems to like America, and so I had to admit that we was in kinda bad. We are sort of the polecat of nations.

We wasn’t hardly what you would call the world’s sweetheart, but after they kept this up for quite a while, I used to casually ask them, I says, “Well, now,” be it Englishman or Frenchman or Italian or whoever it was, I used to say to him, “Well, we are in bad, but will you just kinda, offhand, just casually name me a list of your bosom friends among other nations?”

All those nations over there have been hatin’ each other for years, and they can’t hate us as bad as they hate each other.

And they wouldn’t hate us so bad if they really knew, and they wouldn’t envy us, I mean, as bad if they knew really how we was gettin’ along. They think we are doing better than we are. They could be doing just as good as we are if they bought as much on credit as we do. They are an ignorant kind of people. They don’t know, they just go and pay for anything when they buy it. They don’t know you can have nice radios and automobiles and everything and never pay for it, you know. They are awfully funny that way.” Radio broadcast, April 6, 1930

“There is nothing that irks a Turk so much as peace.” WA #408, August 19, 1930

COLUMBUS: President Bush kinda pulled the rug out from under St. Patrick’s celebration today. You know, all this War talk is liable to drive an Irishman to drink.

Our President announced that Saddam Hussein has 48 hours to get out of Dodge. Folks are hoping he will hitch a ride tomorrow with the UN inspectors.

There’s not much chance Saddam will change his mind, but Turkey changed theirs. They agreed to let our Army march through their country after all. They didn’t want to lose out on that $15 Billion offer. They came close; Ohio’s Governor offered to let ’em go by way of Cleveland for ten.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on diplomacy, war, France and other European countries)

“Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as Soldiers are for finishing it. You take diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week… England, France and Germany have Diplomats that have had the honor of starting every war they have had in their lifetime. Ours are not so good – they are Amateurs – they have only talked us into one.” Saturday Evening Post, June 9, 1928

“There’s the one thing no nation can ever accuse us of and that is Secret Diplomacy. Our foreign dealings are an Open Book, generally a Check Book.” WA #45, October 21, 1923

“There is only one way we could be in worse with Europeans, and that is to have helped them out in two wars instead of one.” Saturday Evening Post, July 10, 1926

“You know, of course, that we stand in Europe about like a Horse Thief. Now I want to report to you that that is not so. We don’t stand like a Horse Thief abroad. Whoever told you we did is flattering us. We don’t stand as good as a Horse Thief. They knew what you were sore at them for.
I have purposely looked for combinations that were friendly toward each other, and I have yet to find any two that wasent at heart ready to pounce on each other if they thought they could get away with it… France and England think just as much of each other as two rival bands of Chicago Bootleggers… A Frenchman and an Italian love each other just about like Minneapolis and St. Paul. Spain and France have the same regard for each other as Fort Worth and Dallas.
Russia hates everybody so bad it would take her a week to pick out the one she hates most. Turkey has been laying off three months now without any war, and Peace is just about killing them. Greece has some open time that they are trying to fill in. They will take on anybody but Turkey; they are about cured of them.” Saturday Evening Post, August 26, 1926

“I would like to stay in Europe long enough to find some country that don’t blame America for everything in the world that’s happened to ’em in the last fifteen years – debts, depression, disarmament, disease, fog, famine or frostbite…. The birth rate is falling off so I am going to get out of here before we get blamed.” DT # 1718, Jan. 26, 1932

“Nice, France: It’s pronounced neece, not nice; they have no word for nice in French.” Sat. Evening Post, August 28, 1927

“A bunch of American tourists were hissed and stoned yesterday in France, but not until they had finished buying.” DT #4, August 2, 1926

“I would say to France, ‘You don’t seem to think you owe us anything. What we did for you, you think we owed you. Now if it wasn’t worth anything, why let it go. But, listen, if we wasn’t worth anything in this War, why don’t expect us in the next one.’
Any person or any nation will break a neck for each other if they think it’s appreciated. But the thing about this French thing is not the money. They don’t even in their own hearts appreciate, or even like us.” WA #112, Feb. 1, 1925

SIDNEY, Ohio: I have sworn off predicting the start of wars. I’m 0 for 2 on this one. From here on, I’ll leave it up to Mr. Bush. He’s one man that don’t have to predict, he can just announce.

I’m here tonight at a dinner for roofers, at the Great Stone Castle. This castle don’t go back quite to King Arthur’s Court, but it’s close. It’ll sure never be confused with White Castle. Not only great stone, but great food.

A company named Classic Products manufactures roofs, and they brought in some of their best distributors from all over the country, including the Bahamas, Quebec and Kansas. They invited me here to talk to them, but I’m no expert on roofs. I don’t install ’em, paint ’em, or fix ’em. But I have performed on ’em.

See, “I” played Hammerstein’s Roof Garden Theater in 1905, the greatest Vaudeville theater of all time. I played on the roof one whole summer. We played on the roof at nights and downstairs at Matinee. Then in 1914, Mr. Ziegfeld’s “Midnight Frolic” was on the roof of the Amsterdam theater, also in New York. “Prohibition and my jokes were equally responsible in closing the place up.”

These folks build a shake roof out of steel that looks so authentic it has been known to fool termites, woodpeckers and Amish carpenters. They’ll put on aluminum sheets that appear to be asphalt shingles except they last longer and won’t blow off in a hurricane.

It’s hard to kick on a roof when you don’t have to climb around on it patching leaks. If you can spend your whole life just admiring it from the ground it’s well worth the cost.

Am I the last person in America to see “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”? If I am, then there’s no need to tell you how funny it is. Don’t expect it to get many Oscar votes though. Folks in Hollywood prefer their Weddings with more glitz and glamour. A man and a woman getting married in Hollywood, and with no children, not only is it unheard of, it’s almost a scandal.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“I am a great believer in high_priced people (and things)… In the long run it’s the higher_priced things that are the cheapest.” Letters of a Self-Made Diplomat to his President, May 20, 1926

“You can take any line of business and skill and the ones who do it the best are the ones who get the most money for it.” WA #156, Dec. 6, 1925

COLUMBUS: Ohio is celebrating a birthday today. Number 200. The Governor and the Legislature are meeting down in the first capital, Chillecothe, where the state began in 1803.

Ohio is not in as good a shape today as it was then. Governor Taft spent almost all of 2002 telling how well off the state was. Folks believed him and re-elected him.

The day after the election, he discovered the state was broke. This came to him in a revelation from the state Treasurer, a fellow Republican. Ever since, the governor has been trying to lead the Legislature to the empty hole where the money used to be, but the Legislature still hasn’t discovered it. You know, if Columbus hadn’t been any quicker at “discovering” than this Legislature is, the whole country might be speaking Cherokee.

Every time the governor finds a new source of revenue to fill the hole, the Legislature says, “No, we don’t need it ’cause we can’t see the hole.”

The Governor is exhausted from all this talking and looking and leading. Why, he couldn’t blow out 200 candles, even if the state could afford a cake.

Ohio is suffering through some tough times, about the same as 49 other states. These officials elected in 2002 ain’t so sure they were the winners. They think maybe the fellow they beat was the real winner.

Ohio had another reason to celebrate today. It didn’t snow. We still have snow, plenty of it, but it did get warm enough to melt some. March didn’t exactly come in like a Lamb, but after suffering the Lion’s roar the better part of three months, today at least compares favorably to a baby goat.

Arnold Schwartzenegger’s Body Builders and Fitness fanatics are in Columbus, about 70,000 of them. If that ain’t enough muscle for you, every high school wrestler in the state is here for their tournament. If it snows tomorrow, and there’s a 50-50 chance, we’ve got plenty of strong men and women to shovel sidewalks.

Maybe we should send Arnold to Baghdad. Mr. Hussein was eager to chat with Dan Rather, and debate George Bush, but whether he’d want to be in a room alone with Arnold, I’ve got my doubts.

Saddam has other worries. There’s a dark moon on Monday. That might be a good night for him to surround his bed with a bunch of those human shields. If one of those laser bombs can burrow through twenty feet of solid concrete, I don’t know how much good they will do him. Maybe if he can get them real close together, because they’re awfully hard-headed. Nothing gets through.

Mr. Rogers died this week. Fred Rogers (no relation) was on television for thirty years, and what your children saw on the screen was the way he lived his life every day. He may not have brought the fame and fortune to Pittsburgh that an Andrew Carnegie or Mr. Mellon or Terry Bradshaw did, but no man brought more love and respect to the neighborhood.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“I went down to Columbus, Ohio. That’s the town where the Capitol is located in a big square, and a lot of squirrels running all around. Well I never saw the squirrels looking as poor. You see the State Legislature has been out of session. They haven’t had a single thing to gnaw on.” WA #151, Nov. 1, 1925

COLUMBUS: I put down the snow shovel long enough to write to you. It’s bad enough here, but a whole lot worse other places, maybe where you are. There’s places where trees knocked down power lines, and no electricity for a week. No telephone. No internet. No running water, except what they run down to fetch from the river.

The only relief for some was the mailman. He managed to complete his rounds, delivering the spring catalogs and the Swimsuit issue. Those girls brighten up a room better than a kerosene lantern.

Folks in the middle west are ready to trade their snow shovels for a golf club.

Speaking of golf, Anika Sorenstam is practicing to take on Tiger and the boys in Ft. Worth. She’ll beat some of those guys. When Switzerland wins a yacht race it don’t seem so far fetched. In fact, next time there’s an Olympic bobsled race, you might want to put some money on Jamaica.

I’ll keep this short so you don’t have to refuel the generator on my account.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“(We’re) right in the middle of the Olympics… About ten days ago before it started why one day out at our studio they brought all the girl athletes out there for lunch and to see the studio… You musent miss meeting this Texas wildcat (Babe) Didrickson, she just believes that she can do anything, and the funny part about it is she can. There is none of the sports that she can’t do and do well. She is an athletic marvel. Played ten games of golf and makes it in 82. They say that’s pretty good. I don’t play the game, but they say it is. She is within three fifths of a second of Helen Madison’s (swimming) record.
This old Texas girl said she would ride, rope, or play polo against me, and I bet she could beat me in any one of ’em. I sure don’t want to get mixed up with ’em in any of these games, or out of ’em.” WA #502, August 7, 1932

“Say “Babe” Didrikson (Zaharias) scaled over another bunch of hurdles yesterday. This time it was the A.A.U.’s that got down on their all fours and she hopped right over them… “Babe” has always beat women. This is the first time she has ever entered the male ranks and showed them up.” DT #1993, Dec. 23, 1932

COLUMBUS: Snow has brought Ohio to a crawl. Not all of Ohio, but much of it has a foot of snow. The Governor says this state is short of dough, but he’s smart enough to keep the snow plows running. Our problems with snow ain’t nothing compared to the effect it will have when it hits Washington. (See WR quotes below)

In Florida, rain turned the Daytona 500 into the Daytona 275. Michael Waltrip was the winner for NAPA. No word yet on whether they will give everyone who attended a six-pack of spark plugs. That rain was a minor annoyance for NASCAR, but it’s a calamity for the Chamber of Commerce. With folks up north ready to hop a plane to the sunny south, they see all that rain and decide to stay home and invest in a snow blower.

Millions of peace marchers were out again this weekend, but only where they have good weather. Rome, London, Paris, Los Angeles, San Francisco. Even in Australia.

Several Hollywood actors were marching at the front, eager to tell all they know about foreign affairs. One had recently returned from Baghdad, and said Iraq has no weapons of mass destruction. He was absolutely positive there are no such weapons there because that’s what Saddam told him.

Saddam did admit to having Scud missiles that can fly more than 90 miles. That’s against the UN rules, so he has agreed, in due time, to blow them up. Half will be blown up in Israel, the other half in Istanbul.

I read in the paper where a television network is being criticized for a new ‘reality’ show. They want to round up some ignorant hillbillies, move them to Hollywood, and let the rest of the country laugh at them as they attempt to civilize the folks along Rodeo Drive and Sunset Blvd..

Well, I got another idea for CBS. Take about 25 of those marching actors over to Iraq. Assign them to negotiate peace with Saddam, and every week we could tune in to see which ones are still around. Now that would be the Real Beverly Hills Survivor show. To make it worthwhile, the winner would get a free trip France, provided he agrees to stay there.

After watching these peace parades, Saddam is seriously thinking about moving to France himself. Why not. It looks like they would elect him President. They haven’t won a war in 200 years, so he would fit right in.

Bin Ladin announced this weekend he wants to go out a martyr. Now, I am not aiding the enemy, but if he really wants to hobble this country, all he has to do is figure out how to flatten the tires on all the snow plow trucks.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“I’ve been reading in the papers about all these boys and girls marching, you know marching to keep from going to war…. these students learning to march in the peace parade, that will give them just about the training we give our soldiers in a regular war, you know. They’ll just about be ready for it then.” Radio broadcast, April 14, 1935

“Flew in (to Washington) this afternoon to see what the boys who live by the aid of the ballot box are doing. Busy as usual passing appropriation bills like hot biscuits at a country farm house. Snowed here, but you can’t see the ground for the lobbyists.” DT #2357, Feb. 21, 1934

“Seven below zero in Washington this morning and snow a foot deep. Lobbyists standing frozen to death outside of Congressmen’s homes. A lobbyist has nothing to keep him warm but his brief case.” DT #2363, Feb. 28, 1934

COLUMBUS: Did I tell you about the call I got from Tom Delay last month? Well, I don’t often hear from a Congressman so there didn’t seem to be much harm in listening.

Actually it was a very nice woman calling me from the office of the House Republican Leader. She said that Congressman Delay wanted me to become the honorary chairman of the Republican Tax Cut Plan for the state of Ohio.

Well, this chairmanship seemed like a lot of responsibility…for a humorist. Then she played a tape of Mr. Delay with his personal invitation for me, and he is sure persuasive.

The lady came back on and said I would be one of 360 chairmen for Ohio. That was a relief because I would only have to hold this title of Chairman for one day a year. She didn’t say exactly which day, but if it’s going to be “The Rogers Republican Tax Cut Plan Day”, it’s most likely April 1.

Since it is to be an “honorary” assignment, I figured that it don’t pay nothing. She said that was correct, and it won’t cost anything either.

But in the next sentence she said Mr. Delay planned to run a full page ad in the Wall Street Journal for tax relief. And for $300 I could have my name listed in there, along with all of the other great Republican honorary chairmen.

Now having your name listed on a page with 360 other men, times 50 states, what harm could it do? Why, that’s 18,000 names, and the print would be so small even a Young Democrat would give up reading before he got half way to the R’s.

But I turned ’em down. Then she said, “You can still get in for $200.” I said no again, and she asked, “How about $100, and you can settle up with small monthly payments.”

I had to laugh at that one. I’m not one to advise the Republican Party, but I wonder about this plan. Do they really want honorary chairmen for the Grand Ole Party who can barely scrape together $20 a month?

And honestly, doesn’t the Wall Street Journal seem an odd place to run an ad favoring tax cuts? I imagine 98 percent of the readers are already sold on tax cuts. And the other 2 percent don’t pay any.

Now I just heard today that the Republicans have been meeting this weekend at the Greenbrier Resort over in West Virginia. I don’t know if these Honorary Chairmen were invited to their powwow, but a stay at the Greenbrier could’ve been worth the whole $300.

I think I’ll hold out and see what the Democrats offer.

Next week we celebrate President’s Day. For a short month, we have had a lot of Presidents born in February. Mr. Lincoln, Franklin Roosevelt, Ronald Reagan, William Henry Harrison, and Washington so far.

They say any child in American can grow up to be President. But if you want to improve the odds for your next baby you might arrange for a February birth. And maybe include George in the name.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Now this is President’s Day. We generally recognize anything by a week. We have Apple Week, and Potato Week, and Don’t Murder Your Wife Week, and Smile Week… So somebody hit the bright idea, and they says, ‘Well here, if prunes are worth a week, the president ought to be worth something anyhow.’ And so they figured out they couldn’t give him a week, but they could – they compromised on a day.” Radio broadcast, April 30, 1033

“Republican presidents, they never went in much for plans. They only had one plan. It says, ‘Now, boys, my head is turned; just get it while you can.'” Radio broadcast, April 21, 1935

Folks, Will Rogers was one of America’s leading promoters of air travel in the early days of aviation. I figured you might be interested in his opinions (quotes below) on aviation safety compared to other means of transportation, and his admiration of the brave pilots. He kinda laughed off the fact he was in a half dozen accidents himself because he knew how important aviation was to our future. It still is.

COLUMBUS: America suffered another tragedy yesterday, not just America but the whole world. Columbia went down over Texas and took seven aviators with her. India and Israel each lost a hero. But the dream lives on, strong as ever.

Some newsmen asked if the space program should be stopped because it is too risky. Others wanted to know immediately what was the root cause of the problem.

Well, on the first one, these journalists don’t understand aviators. Of course there’s a risk, but do you think that will keep folks like Chuck Yeager, John Glenn, Amelia Earhart and Buzz Aldrin bound to the ground? Not a chance. Mr. Glenn said he would be ready to jump on a space shuttle tomorrow if NASA wanted him to.

On the second question, these NASA engineers say they are going to look at all possible causes, not just one or two that everyone wants to proclaim in tomorrow’s headline. There’s a lot of evidence scattered over east Texas around Nacogdoches that they want to look at. It is worthwhile for these newsmen to remember that a few months ago around Washington, D.C. they were intent on finding a white van driven by a local, middle-aged white man with a rifle.

Aviation has come a long way in the hundred years since Wilbur and Orville Wright from over in Dayton stopped repairing bicycles and built an airplane. And we’ve still got a long way to go, at least to Mars and back.

NASA is already learning how to grow wheat, potatoes, peanuts, beans and lettuce in zero gravity. See, when they go to Mars the astronauts will need to grow their own food on the spaceship, so they want someone who knows how to plant and harvest, and when to fertilize and irrigate.

So, on that trip they’ll take along a farmer. Now there’s a man who knows about risk.

Historic Quotes from Will Rogers: (on aviation safety, and great aviators)

“Every paper is raving about legislation to stop ocean flying because thirteen people have been lost, just a fair Sunday’s average in automobile deaths. From ten to fifteen is just about the number that are always in a bus when it meets a train at a grade crossing, yet you never see an editorial about relief from that.” DT #350, Sept. 5, 1927

“When will the newspapers commence giving aviation an even break? There were eight people killed all over America in planes Sunday and it’s headlined in every newspaper today. If there was a single State that didn’t get that many in automobiles yesterday it was simply because it fell below their average.” DT #549, April 30, 1928

“Just flew in from Santa Barbara and found a real, legitimate use for my polo field. We landed on it.
And speaking of aviation, I sure feel bad about this boy Carranza. I had flown with him in Mexico City. He spoke English, and he and I got very chummy down there. He was a fine aviator and a great young fellow. Mexico will feel mighty bad, for they were sure proud of him, and they had a right to be.
That’s one of the sad things about it. There has been and will be lots of fine pilots lost in developing aviation to such a point that it will be safe for a lot of folks less useful to the world than these fine young fellows are.
All America grieves with Mexico, for the boys like him belong to the world and not to one country.” DT #614, July 15, 1928

“I was just sitting down to write to you saying that I bet the minute Lindbergh’s arm was able he would take Miss [Anne] Morrow and fly again and here is the paper saying he did that very thing today [the day after an accident while landing in Mexico City]. I knew he would and that’s great, just another example of that boy doing the right thing.
Flying is Lindbergh’s business. He spent years perfecting himself at it. Because he tips over on his nose once out of a million miles, a lot of editorial writers start howling about it.
This thing of talking about ‘somebody’s life being too valuable to risk in an airplane’ is not only the bunk, but it’s an insult to the men we ask to do our flying. Where does anybody’s life come in to be any more valuable than anybody else’s? Ain’t life just as precious to one as to another?
We have heard that ‘can’t spare you’ attitude till we got a lot of men in this country believing it now.
So bravo, Lindy. You are bigger tonight than you ever was before, and that’s saying a lot. And bravo, little Miss Anne, you have helped aviation more today than you will ever know.
… Aviation is not a fad, it’s a necessity and will be our mode of travel long after all the people who are too valuable to fly have met their desired deaths by the roadsides on Sunday afternoons.” DT# 809, Feb. 28, 1929

“The plane accident was terribly, unfortunate, and it no doubt will have a tendency with some of the more skeptical ones to say that aviation is unsafe.[8 persons perished] Their death will receive tremendous publicity all over the country, but on Monday morning, when you read this, if you had the entire statistics of everybody all over our country who was killed today (Sunday) by autos, well, it will be lucky if it’s under twenty_five. Yet some of their deaths will never be published beyond their own country newspapers. Yet every one of them is just as dead as those on the plane.
So, sir, travel by air is here to stay, and all the doubt in the world can’t stop it.” DT# 973, Sept. 8, 1929

“Just flew in from Chicago…. I see where some airline is going to make aviation pay by taking it out of the pilots’ salary. When they start hiring cheap pilots I will stop flying. That’s what built up what confidence in aviation we have is the experience, character and dependability of our pilots. I think they are just about the highest type bunch of men we have.” DT# 1739, Feb. 19, 1932

“I had met (Jimmy Mattern) before he made this last round the world flight, but this was the first time I had met him since he got back from just about the greatest adventure that any aviator ever had. They have all had some pretty queer ones and are a great gang these aviators. Just about the most interesting fellows to talk to of any bunch of men I ever saw. Lindbergh, Wiley Post, Frank Hawkes, Jimmy Doolittle, Al Williams, Roscoe Turner, and dozens of others that have really done things.” WA# 559, Sept. 10, 1933

COLUMBUS: The Super Bowl has just ended, and Tampa Bay knocked out the Oakland Raiders (48-21). It was really the state of Florida against the state of California, and any time Florida wins that battle everybody knows it’s an upset. It is appropriate the state finally picks up a victory because this has not been a particularly fruitful year for football in Florida.

Our President is set to address Congress Tuesday night. He will inform them about the state of the union, but what they really want to know, and won’t find out, is the state of Iraq. He keeps his knowledge of Iraq hidden, about like his knowledge of every other important fact in the world today, it is all hidden. That way he keeps us on our toes. See, we don’t know if he knows all he claims to know, and keeps hidden from view, or if don’t know much at all and is just bluffing. Of course on this question we are not alone, because Saddam don’t know either.

On Iraq, don’t pay much attention to the big operations, the brigades of men (and women), and ships moving in. No, it’s the little operations that’ll get Saddam. Even if they have to take out a hundred Saddam impersonators to get him. It don’t take 10,000 soldiers, just a few of the right ones sneaked into the right places. (You know, if you’re going to look like somebody from history, Saddam would not be your first choice today. Better to look like a humorist. I don’t recall of any comedians being assassinated or bumped off, even if some of us from time to time deserve it.)

I read in the paper where a bunch of peace makers are going to Iraq. The say they want to serve as “human shields” for Saddam. I think that’s a great idea, and Mr. Bush will probably take ’em up on the offer. They seem to know right where he is, which is more than you can say about any of our Generals or the CIA.

If you happen to know any of these aspiring human shields, encourage them, and tell them to get over there quickly. Nobody has announced when the attack will occur, but the next New Moon would be a good bet. I think that’s around February 1.

If the groundhog sees his shadow, does that mean we have six more weeks of war?

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“BAGDAD: Finally found a telegraph office here. Persia was a hot stretch. You Bible students, stockmen and hunters better note this. Flew low all morning between Euphrates and Tigris. It’s all level prairie and uncultivated. The most animals I ever saw were there, thousands of cattle, donkeys, camels, water buffalo, deer, wild boar.” DT #1710, Jan. 15, 1932

“…what is Mosul? … It’s a province. Of course it’s not much of a place. It is not only a town, but it is an excuse for Turkey’s next war. So naturally it don’t have to be much of a town. Now where is it? It’s in Iraq. You don’t know where Iraq is? My goodness…

Iraq is a Country. It was discovered about the same time the dredge sucked Florida above sea level. Iraq has always been used as a summer resort for the Turks. It lays just west of where the Persian Rugs are supposed to come from.”

[Farther along in the same Weekly Article Will Rogers kinda interviews himself, asking a question, then answering it…]

“Do you think America stands very good with all the other Countries of the World?
We stand ALONE.

Well how good is alone?
Well, it’s pretty good as long as you can stand.

What would foreign Countries do if we needed help?
I think they would hold a celebration.

Do you think any of them would help us out?
Well, off hand I can’t think of a single one that would, unless it might be Wisconsin.” WA #164, Jan. 31, 1926

COLUMBUS: Since the end of college football season two weeks ago the rest of the country, and the world, has moved on. But not Ohio. Yesterday the state turned out to pay homage to their championship team. They held the celebration in the stadium, and 50,000 fans came out in 10 degree weather to see them. That’s the most that ever showed up to see one team. Lots of time two teams don’t draw 50,000, even when it’s 70.

The band marched and performed “Script Ohio”. Ten senior football players dotted the i, and not one of them has ever played a tuba.

Instead of one television station, where you normally get to see a game, this ceremony was on three. And it was covered by the Goodyear blimp. You won’t even see that at the Super Bowl.

Coach Tressel thanked the fans, the Mayor renamed a street, and the Governor asked everyone to buy more lottery tickets to help balance his budget.

That new street name is “Champions Lane”. At one point a railroad crosses above it, and it won’t be long till there’s a sign calling it “Tressel’s Trestle”.

War protesters were in Washington yesterday, and other cities, marching against war. The newspaper showed them protesting in different spots around the world, in just about every country except where’s there’s a war. Those birds are smart enough to avoid the line of fire.

They even had an anti-war rally in Iceland. Did I miss some news? Do they expect an invasion by Greenland?

Tampa Bay and Oakland are set for the Super Bowl next Sunday in San Diego. I expect several of those fans in Florida will fly out for the game. It’s pretty chilly down there this week so southern California looks mighty inviting.

Most of the Raiders fans will drive. They wear so much metal, they can’t get through airport screening.

Historic quote from Will Rogers: (exactly 76 years ago this week)

“COLUMBUS, Ohio: Dr. Wilce, the Ohio State coach, just showed me their new stadium, seating 100,000, built by hard study and excellent scholarship.
They can seat 200 students to every book in the university. They lost to Michigan by a kick after touchdown. [17 to 16, on Nov. 13] He has 400 students practicing day and night in relays to kick goals.

P. S. I suggested they practice making another touchdown, then they wouldn’t have to worry about the goal kicking.” DT #139, Jan. 14, 1927

Note: the stadium actually held about 62,000. Expansion brought the capacity to 100,000 in 2001.