Category: Uncategorized

COLUMBUS: Our President came back to Ohio again, this time to Cincinnati to give a speech to the nation. Actually it was mainly a speech to the Democrats. And Saddam Hussein.

You may wonder , why Cincinnati? Well, can you think of a better place to announce a War? Look at the Bengals. Anybody who comes to Cincinnati always wins.*

Putting on a war just to take out one man seems kind of excessive. Maybe they should just find the guy shooting those people in Maryland, and ship him to Baghdad.

But Mr. Bush does not really expect to have a War. He figures once he gets the Army and Air Force and everybody lined up behind him, in unanimous support, it’ll end before it starts. So far, all he’s got behind him is England. And the Republicans. That leaves about 250 assorted countries, and the Democrats. So at the rate he is attracting folks to his side of the argument, it will be unanimous by around Christmas. Of 2010.

He is already looking ahead. He says when Saddam is ousted, America is willing to send Twenty Billion dollars a year to Iraq. Yes sir, 20 Billion. And at ten dollars a barrel, that’ll get us a lot of oil.

In other news this week New Jersey Senator Toricelli dropped out, and the Supreme Court says it is ok for him to be replaced on the ballot by a retired Senator, Frank Lautenberg.

Ohio Democrats are keeping an eye on that New Jersey situation. See, we’ve got a candidate for Governor here, and he ain’t doing so hot. There’s talk that he might resign from the campaign, and be replaced on the ballot by John Glenn.

The baseball playoffs are underway. Already the teams everybody figured would win the World Series have been knocked out. The Angels beat the Yankees. That’ll make Gene Autry pull out his guitar and strum a happy tune for St. Peter. The St. Louis Cardinals have a new Gashouse Gang ready to take on Barry Bonds. And that team up in Minneapolis that some folks wanted to get rid of a year ago, they’re still in the hunt.

A judge in North Carolina announced he is taking the crown away from both of their Miss America candidates, at least temporarily. When this controversy started a month or so ago I heard from a former Miss North Carolina who says she is ready and willing to step in. In fact, she has been ready for about 40 years. Jeanne Robertson still has her tiara, and a closet full of evening gowns and nice clothes, and she still fits in her old bathing suit.

She does have a new talent… she just stands up there and talks and the judges and the whole audience are rolling in the aisles, laughing.

She says that’s the same reaction she would get wearing the old one piece.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“There has been war since the beginning of time, and we are no smarter than the people that have gone before us, so there is awful apt to be some more war.” WA #368, January 12, 1930

*Note: for those of you not into American football, the Cincinnati Bengals of the National Football League are 0-5.

NASHVILLE: For the past couple of weeks I’ve been out traipsing over Indiana and Ohio, so I drove down to Tennessee for a break. Those two states, and most of the middle west are still dry. Farmers have started harvesting what little bit of corn and soybeans they’ve got. Recent rains from that storm named Isadore was just enough to settle the dust.

Farmers are optimistic. The big Ohio farm show drew almost 150,000. Judging by the parking lot, all but about a thousand must of come by pickup truck. I don’t know if John Deere and New Holland are selling many tractors, but Ford and Chevy sho’ are selling the trucks.

Half the country is suffering from drought. Even Arizona claims they are in a long dry spell, but how can they tell? Did the desert turn a darker shade of brown?

Arizona is where the sun shines all day. It’s a wonderful place to live, and it’ll be the perfect place if anyone can show ’em how to get along without water.

Nashville has the Cumberland River and the TVA, and if this town ever runs short of something, they’ve got country music to take their mind off their troubles. I went to the Grand Ole Opry (the Friday night version) and I’ve never seen a more appreciative crowd. These folks weren’t as loud and demonstrative as some of the younger audiences I’ve seen, but whether it was Porter Waggoner, Holly Dunn, Mike Snider, or the Osborn Brothers (no relation to that family on TV) or any of the other twenty or so singers and performing groups on the stage, they loved every minute of it.

Saturday I stopped downtown at the old Ryman Auditorium, home of the Opry for so many years starting in 1925. And just down the street they have built a new Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum. That place sure brings back memories. You can hear old recordings of people like the Carter Family, Roy Acuff, and the yodeler, Jimmy Rodgers, the “Father of Country Music”. Then there’s old video film clips of Red Foley and Tex Ritter, and some not-so-old ones of Hee Haw, and Dolly Parton as a young girl. (I started to say “little girl”, but I’m not sure she was ever “little”.)

Saturday night I went on down I-65 to Franklin, to see the Will Rogers Follies. (More on that in a minute)

I guess this town was named for Ben, and it’s almost as old as Philadelphia. This place earned it’s own spot in history during the War. They’ve got a monument right in the middle of Main Street honoring their Confederate soldiers.

They are proud of their heritage. The Chamber of Commerce says they have 15 blocks of historic buildings; you have to go two miles out of town to find anything built since 1900.

No, really, they got some new structures. They even built a 4-story parking garage to accommodate all the tourists. All the old buildings have shops, restaurants and offices, mostly for lawyers. It seemed to me they have an abundance of lawyers offices for a town this size. I mentioned it to one of the local fellows, and he agreed, “It’s probably more than we need. There’s six lawyers to every ambulance.”

Back to the Follies… I never tire of watching a great performance, and these local folks put on quite a show. Of course they had already done it 12 times before I got here, and this was the last one, so they put all they had into it.

I would like to see a couple of changes though… “Will” was played by Bobby Moore, a Nashville songwriter and singer, and he did a marvelous job. But just once I would like to see it done by someone who really don’t sing so good. No more Larry Gatlin or Mac Davis. Someone who sings more like Don Rickles.

Having seven sisters where only three existed in history is all right with me because a fellow can never have too many sisters. And keeping your father close by forever is a good idea.

But just once I would like to change the ending. It’s where Wiley Post enters and says, “Come on Will, it’s time to fly to Alaska.” And Betty says, “Will, why must you go to Alaska?” And then Will says, “Because I did.”

You know, I think a lot of folks would like to see Will skip the Alaska trip, and go on another twenty or thirty years.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

(from an article where Will described the tour he made putting on several shows a day to raise money for drought sufferers)

“We flew out … for our night show… where we joined all the rest of our troop, The Revellers, and Jimmy Rodgers who was with us then, the Yodler De Luxe, and Chester Byers, the Roper.” WA #426, February 22, 1931

COLUMBUS: Florida held an election Tuesday. I guess they figured the country needed some comedy relief this week

It was only 2 counties that had problems, and you can probably guess which ones. They spent millions to make elections fool proof, but the voters fooled ’em. Gov. Bush should have known, if you’re gonna use computers to vote with, you better bring in some experts to operate ’em. Say, 7^th graders. You need keen eyesight to find the on-off switch.

You know, “Touchscreen” voting is really not fair for a generation that grew up getting yelled at for leaving fingerprints on windows.

But they can’t go back to punch cards. I think what they need to do in the next election, is get everybody together… the whole precinct… in a big room. Then call out a candidate’s name and ask people raise their right hand if they are for him. To make it an honest election they can bring in counters from another state, like Chicago.

Or to speed it up, bring in counters from Australia. They’ve got men that can count 600,000 sheep a day. Those blokes could count Florida’s votes faster than their computers.

Here’s a news flash…just a few minutes ago I heard that, “Miami Dade County found 1800 uncounted ballots”. Janet Reno perked up at that news, till she found out they were from the election in 2000.

Miss North Carolina has been in the news lately. It seems an old boyfriend was shooting his Kodak when, if he had had any manners, he would have been shutting his eyes. North Carolina always has lovely candidates, and some tall ones too, and this one was special because she’s an Indian. Us Indians are used to losing, but this is the first time it’s on account of a picture. Usually it’s on account of land, and it’s the land we’re losing.

Here in Ohio it’s still dry. Weatherman says it’ll rain tomorrow.

Have you noticed, they always predict more rain than what you get. And when they do get it right with their “scattered thunder storms”, it seems the rain is scattered at the airport where the official gauge is located, and not on the farm fields where we need it.

Congress voted to give the farmers another $6 Billion in drought relief. The President hasn’t decided if their votes are worth that much.

It’s hot in the Midwest, but winter has already hit New Hampshire. Presidential hopefuls will arrive shortly.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“The Middle West got rain. Even the Lord couldn’t stand to wait on the Republicans forever.” DT #1269, August 19, 1930

MORGANTOWN, West Va.: The baseball strike got settled before it started, but nobody here much cares… football season is underway and the University won their first game.

The baseball owners gave their lowest paid players a 50 percent raise and promised not to eliminate any jobs. Can you imagine any big company doing that today? The baseball fans wanted cheaper seats and dollar hotdogs, but that idea went nowhere. What we’ll get is $5 drinks and the Yankees in the World Series again.

Big news from television this week… they’re planning to do one of those Survivor shows with hillbillies. Only it’s backwards, where they take some rich, uptown Hollywood-type folks and put them out in the boondocks and see if they survive among the hillbillies, kinda like Green Acres. The producers are out prowling around searching for an “ideal location, probably in a southern state.”

It’s created quite a stir among our Governors. They’re accustomed to showing off their state to big manufacturers, bragging about the fine highways, railroads, airports, schools, museums, and a plentiful supply of natural gas, electricity, and well-trained ambitious workers.

How will these same governors convince a TV network their state consists mostly of hollows, hicks and moonshine stills?

You might think the perfect spot would be an old house five miles up a dirt road, where you chop wood for the stove, grow your own food, and the only modern communication is a telephone party line. (For those too young to remember what that is, think of it as an internet chat room where you don’t have to type.)

No, for this reality show, they should take these millionaires and set them down in the middle of an ordinary country community. It could be in any state… Arkansas, West Virginia, or even Massachusetts.

They’ll have to trade their fancy Lincoln or Humvee off for an old Chevy pickup with a rusted tailgate. The music on the radio will be by Alan Jackson, not Michael.

There’ll be a full calendar… go to church twice on Sunday and again on Wednesday night. High school football on Friday night.

Saturday night they’ll have a choice… square dance at the Legion Hall, or listen to a band at the high school auditorium. It won’t be a symphony… those are fiddles, not violins. There’ll be banjos and guitars, and if it’s really high class, a hammered dulcimer and a washtub bass-fiddle.

They’ll have to learn how to survive receiving a bushel or two of tomatoes and squash from a neighbor’s garden. (Better bring along a Martha Stewart recipe for zucchini bread.)

The children can join 4-H or Scouts and learn how to make or grow something to show at the County Fair. After school they can play softball in the backyard.

Throw in an occasional weiner roast, quilting bee, ramp dinner, and coon hunt, and you’ve got the makings of quite a show.

Most of these so-called reality shows start out with about a dozen people, and weed ’em out down to one survivor who walks away with a million dollars. For this Hillbilly Survivor show, if they follow this plan and start with 10 or 12, by the end they’re liable to have 20 or 30, because all their city friends will be arriving to get in on the fun. And I bet they’ll each willingly pay a million dollars for the privilege.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Anytime you tangle with an Arkansaw hillbilly or hillbillyess, you are going to run second.” DT# 2803, July 30, 1935

“Baseball is the greatest game in the world, for the greatest number of people. And it’s the least crooked sport ever invented. And I am going to go to it, and believe in it, and admire the type of men that play it, till I get so old that my whiskers will get caught in the turnstiles.” WA#215, Jan. 23, 1927

WESTON, West Va.: This is the town where they hold the Carp Fishing Festival, and it’s just upriver from where that famous general, Stonewall Jackson, grew up. But the reason I’m here this week is football. They’ve got a new high school and a new football field and I came to watch what the coaches call a scrimmage.

Let me tell you about this school. See, anywhere else when they decide to build a new school they buy up about 100 acres of prime flat land. But here, they bought 25 acres of steep hillside ground. I guess they figured once it was flattened it could amount to 100 acres.

Now, how do you build a big school and everything that goes with it, on a hillside? Well, you’ve seen pictures in China where they farm the mountain sides with terraces. It’s kinda like stairs going up the mountain. That’s what they did here.

First, you cross a bridge (did I tell you it was on the other side of the river?) and drive up to the parking lot, then up another level to the school building. Every school has to have sports, so they went on up the hill and leveled out a baseball field. Then someone remembered they had a football team, so they went higher up and leveled out enough space for a field. Putting in the home bleachers was easy, they just set them right on the slope on the uphill side.

But they forgot that in high school everybody cheering for the visiting team always sits on the opposite side, and there’s no room for bleachers. So, they just put up a fence along the edge, and the fans have to line up behind that fence and hang on. If you happen to let go, and the grass is wet, you’ll slide down the hill and you don’t stop till you hit the first base line.

This field don’t have the elevation of Denver’s Mile High Stadium, but by the time you walk up to it you feel like you climbed the Washington Monument. Our President says we should get more exercise, but anyone that goes up this hill every Friday night won’t need to jog three miles to stay in shape.

In July Mr. Bush told us he was going to Texas for a month, and, frankly, we were looking forward to the vacation. But he fooled us. He’s been flying all around the country… Maine, Pennsylvania, California…. giving speeches.

In Oregon he said the way to prevent forest fires is to cut the trees before they can burn. And anyone planning to build a house in the woods should first cut down every tree within 500 feet of it. Then all you’ve got to worry about is grass fires, mudslides and an avalanche.

Just down the road in Clarksburg today the town held an election to vote on one thing, an excess tax levy. I don’t know if it passed or failed, but you’ve got to compliment the city council for being honest enough to call it “excess”. You know, if Congress called every proposed new tax an “excess tax”, maybe fewer would go through.

By the time you hear from me again the baseball season may be history. Football is ready to take over, so hardly anybody cares what happens to baseball. It’s sure different than it was seventy years ago when we had Babe Ruth, Tris Speaker, Dizzy Dean and the Gashouse Gang. Ruth admitted he made more than the President, but said he had had a better year. We got lots of players today being paid ten times more than the President and they’re batting .210.

Historical quotes from Will Rogers:

“Say, there is an awful lot in the papers the last few days about these experiments these college professors are making with rats…. One wanted to find out what effect athletics had on anyone’s intelligence. They wanted to see if he was dumber, or keener, after running back punts and tackling another rat for awhile. The experiment showed that the rat was keener with athletics, by him demanding tuition and board for nothing and 10 per cent of the gate on all big games. The rat with no exercise wound up as a bond salesman.” DT #990, Sept. 27, 1929.

COLUMBUS: I’ve been out here at the Ohio State Fair a few days. They don’t make Fairs any bigger than this one, as far as young people is concerned. There’s hundreds of them here every day, maybe thousands, having fun and competing to see who can raise the best calf or pig or rabbit, or potatoes or squash. Most are in 4-H or FFA, but every group is represented from Boy Scouts to Campfire to Farm Bureau.

High schools have sent their best musicians and singers to make up an all-star band and choir. They put on quite a show several times a day, and the heat don’t seem to bother them.

Tonight they just finished the sale of champion livestock raised and exhibited by these youngsters. Kroger bought the grand champion steer for $40,000. Last year, you may remember, they paid $75,000. I guarantee you this one will taste just as good, for half the price.

Kroger bid $21,000 for the champion lamb, and they let another grocer, Meijer, take home the top barrow for $20,000 and a pen of four chickens for $11,000. It wasn’t only the food stores bidding. A machinery company owner, DeLynn Kale, bought the reserve champion lamb for $11,000. He’s a friend of mine, and I hope he invites me to the cookout.

The Statler Brothers sang here last Tuesday night. This is their farewell tour, and after forty years, they have earned a break. If you get a chance to see them, don’t put it off. They started with the Star Spangled Banner, closed with How Great Thou Art, and sang about thirty top hits in between, including Flowers on the Wall, Bed of Rose’s, and Elizabeth. They may not have sold as many records as the Beatles, but some of us country folks like them better.

Have you heard about this fat man suing McDonalds? He says they fed him too much, and it’s their fault he’s overweight. He said it’s because he ate there 4 times a week.

Now, if it was just 4 Meals, perhaps the other 17 during the week might have contributed a pound or two to his waistline. But if by “4 times a week” he meant that he arrived Monday morning and ate till Tuesday night, then Wednesday morning till Thursday night, and so on, then he deserves our sympathy, but no money. In fact they should take all his money away instead of giving him more. Imagine what he’ll weigh if he gets a few million dollars to spend on food.

If you want to lose pounds, don’t visit a Fair. There’s something about Fair Food… elephant ears, corn on the cob, ribs barbequed on an open grill, shoo fly pie, fresh lemonade, chocolate ice cream. (If they have a full size cow made out of butter where you buy ice cream, you know it’s going to be special.)

So, go to all the county and state fairs you can afford to. If you walk a mile between visits to the food stands, you’ll be fine.

This is the week Elvis died, 25 years ago. He was one of our grand champion overeaters. Elvis is drawing so much attention, it’s hard for anyone else who chose this week to pass on to get any notice.

There’s a prize boar here at the fair, and he’s a big one. The barrow I mentioned earlier weighs 275 pounds, but this hog weighed in at 1300 pounds. If he eats like the rest of us here, by the end of the fair, he’ll hit1400.

Historical fact about Will Rogers:

Will Rogers and world class pilot, Wiley Post, died when Wiley’s plane crashed at Point Barrow, Alaska, August 15, 1935. In the closing paragraph of her biography of her husband, Betty Rogers wrote, “I can see the boy – grown older, but not grown up; though a little gray and a little stout. He’s on old Soapsuds, still has a rope on his saddle and he still wants to go somewhere.”

CHICAGO: Wasn’t that great news about those miners. It wasn’t luck either. Those old boys knew what they was doing, all of the ones on the ground, and the nine under it.

That was the best job of surveying since George Washington staked out Mt. Vernon for himself. And these fellows did it in the dark. When they said, “Drill here,” nobody argued with ’em, and the rest is history.

Did you read about those Cape Cod cowboys trying to bulldog a herd of whales? It’s tough enough to wrestle a steer while riding a fast horse, but to wrangle a whale while you’re standing knee deep in the Atlantic Ocean, it takes more nerve than the average Yale man can muster. Somehow, those sailin’ cowpokes drove a herd of 50 right out into deep water. But, the next day those same whales showed up 25 miles away on another dry beach. You know, when a whale is determined to commit suicide, there’s not much you can do to prevent it, even in Massachusetts.

Last week Congress kicked out one of their own, James Traficant of Youngstown, Ohio. And yesterday a judge put him right back on the public dole. She gave him 8 years in the federal pen, but he’s eligible to get out two years sooner if he pays a $150,000 fine, keeps his mouth shut, and gets a haircut.

Folks in Youngstown were shocked to find out he wears a wig. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but if you’re going to wear a hairpiece, why buy a blue light special at K-Mart?

He says he’s running for Congress from jail this November, and I don’t doubt it. He won’t win the District, but in Youngstown, of all votes cast, he’ll get at least 110 percent. Just like the last 7 elections.

Last week I told you about the drought in northwestern Ohio, but it’s nothing like some of our western states. Colorado is so short of water, in Denver the Mayor is giving voters a choice, “Instead of washing clothes, it’s ok if you don’t wear any.” And for personal hygiene, “Only wash the stinky parts.”

Now, I can understand a mayor trying to attract the summer tourists, but even Ghandi wore a loin cloth. If the men of Denver choose to wear nothing, I think they should at least bathe completely. Men have no experience at successfully choosing which body parts to scrub, and which ones to leave till next month. They don’t want to be walking down the street, and have someone yell out, “You missed a spot.”

Perhaps the local Baptist churches can be persuaded to open their doors for weekly immersion, without the necessity of being saved again. For this emergency situation they should even welcome the Methodists… sprinkling don’t provide enough relief in these hot months.

Europe has been rehearsing for a water shortage for centuries, but this is no time for us to start adopting their bathing rituals. It only works for them because they can buy French perfume wholesale.

I’m here in Chicago this week for a convention of engineers. This particular bunch don’t design skyscrapers, or pickup trucks, or computers, or tunnels that cost $20,000,000,000. No sir, most of these engineers tell me they work with living things, like plants and animals, and other things you learned about in biology class. Some of them design machines that harvest plants and feed the animals, including us.

Their new president announced that in 50 years, we’ll have 9 Billion people to feed, and water, not oil from Iraq, is what we’ll be worried about. He may be right, if we don’t dry up sooner.

Maybe these folks that choose to live up here on the shores of Lake Michigan, in the snow and rain, aren’t so foolish after all. These Great Lakes just might come in handy later on.

Historical quotes from Will Rogers:

“Poor coffee and no bathtubs have drove more Americans out of England than unfamiliarity with their language has.” DT #849, April 16, 1929.

“Europeans are born and raised on beer and wine. They have it at their tables at every meal, the same as Alabama has quinine. Europeans have been accustomed all their lives to drink all they want, sometimes for hours at a time, and then get up and walk home, even in narrow streets. Headaches were as foreign to them as bathtubs.” How To Be Funny, May 1930

HOYTVILLE, Ohio: Up here in this corner of Ohio the farmers are mighty disappointed. The weather just ain’t cooperating with Congress at all.

See, back in May it rained every day, so corn didn’t get planted till June. You know how optimistic farmers are, and this bunch ranks at the top. These are so optimistic they all vote Republican.

They figured with a good summer and a late frost, the good Lord would provide a fair number of bushels. With what they could raise, and whatever Congress voted to tack onto every bushel, they would get through the winter.

Only problem was, when it stopped raining, it STOPPED raining. The corn came up, but it’s taken all summer to get knee high. You may wonder, why not irrigate? Well, California gets their water from Colorado, but these folks get theirs from the sky. Lake Erie is only fifty miles, but it’s too far for a bucket brigade.

One fellow was asked, “why didn’t you buy crop insurance?” “Well, it was raining so much this spring, I put every available dollar on flood insurance. I bet on the wrong disaster.”

Twenty bushels to the acre, if they’re lucky, won’t draw much of a farm bill supplement. A lot of good folks started the year as big farmers, and may end it small. Kinda like Wall Street investors.

There is some good news this week. Art Linkletter is celebrating birthday number 90. I heard him say he started his first job in September, 1929. He was an office boy on Wall Street. So you see he survived that big crash a month later, and if he can do it, these farmers will, too.

Historical quote from Will Rogers:

“Some good news in the papers. It rained in the Middle West. Farmers are learning that the relief they get from the sky beats what they get from Washington.” DT #2445, June 4, 1934

ORLANDO, Florida: Well, all I know is what I read in the Orlando Sentinel or can see from the nineteenth floor of the Marriott World Center. The view from the balcony covers a portion of Walter Disney’s eastern real estate holdings, and the newspaper covers all of Central Florida, so it’s pretty much the same territory.

Oranges are important here. Maybe not as important as Mickey Mouse or Snow White or Pocahontas, but this is still Orange County. The orange growers have suffered an attack of citrus canker, and they’re trying to wipe that out. If they can get the neighboring homeowners with citrus trees in the back yard to cooperate, they can get this disease under control. Then the only threat to their farming operation will be Disney expansion plans.

I’m down here for a convention of the National Speakers Association. There’s only two things that will draw a sane man to Florida in July, and that’s either your children (or grandchildren) intent on touring Disney World between rain showers, or a Convention.

The Marriott can’t do anything about the heat and humidity outside but they keep it comfortable inside. In fact it’s so cool, when you step outside your lenses fog over. Kinda like a Wisconsin winter, only in reverse.

Last night NSA picked five more members for the Speakers Hall of Fame, and another one for the top prize in the entire association, the Cavett Robert Award. Five of the six honorees are humorists, so prospects are looking better. Here’s another thing… two are from Oklahoma, two from Texas, and one from Missouri. I think we need a new name for this region of the country, call it the “Humor Belt”.

Well, I haven’t told you who these folks are yet. George Campbell is from Norman, Oklahoma, and you probably know him better as “Joe Malarkey, the world’s worst motivational speaker”. Larry Winget is from Tulsa, and nobody has figured out exactly what he does, but it’s always funny. Mark Mayfield is a sharp looking farm boy from Missouri who gets laughs just telling about a car wreck. Suzie Humphreys is from Arlington, Texas, and she says things funny. And Bob Murphey is from Nacogdoches. The only “outsider” is Lisa Ford, from Atlanta, and she is so good at teaching businesses how to give great customer service that she don’t have to be try to be funny.

Let me tell you something else about these humorists. They are all different. I don’t mean just different from you and me, they’re different from each other. That’s one thing about good humorists, they don’t want to be like anyone else.

Bob Murphey received the Cavett Award, presented to him by last year’s winner, Zig Ziglar. Can you believe it, Bob has been speaking professionally since 1950. Ask yourself, or your older kinfolk, this question: Who were you being entertained by in 1950, and how many of ’em are still out there getting laughs? Bob Murphey didn’t earn this award just because he outlived everybody. He is still among the best, and he is always willing to help the young ones get better. Of course, if NSA ever holds a contest to pick the fastest talker, he would likely finish last.

I heard a young humorist Monday that you want to keep your eye on. Tim Gard, from Colorado, is going places. But only in an aisle or window seat, if he can help it.

Some of you are probably wondering, what about those Tall Women speakers you always write about? Well, they’re here, exactly 17 of ’em. (Yes, I counted them, they’re not hard to spot.)

The total membership in this group is up to 28. I overheard one young woman say she can’t get in because she is only 5 foot 10. It was the first time anyone ever told her she wasn’t tall enough.

I want to end on a personal note. It was at the 1996 NSA convention, six years ago, at this same Marriott in Orlando, that a wonderful speaker from Woodward, Oklahoma, Dale Minnick, took one look at me and said, “You’ve got to be Will Rogers.” Tragically, Dale passed away of a heart attack two years later. Anything I ever accomplish as Will Rogers Today, it started with him.

Historical Quotes from Will Rogers:

“We were all down to a mighty fine dinner they gave to Walter Disney. He is the Sire and dam of that gift to the world, ‘Mickey Mouse.’… (He) has a God-given gift of human nature.” WA #564, Oct. 15, 1933

(The next one is from an article Will wrote as a humorous ‘debate’ between Florida and California. This is part of his California response after Florida claims to be known for it’s oranges…)

“I will admit there is a bootleg variety of orange that thrives up to the size of a green plum on the banks of your swamps; but as for being called an orange, that is only done, of course, through a sense of humor. We take Florida oranges to California, dry them and use them for golf balls. As for taste, they resemble the green persimmon.” Saturday Evening Post, May 29, 1926

“Good stuff in Florida will always be good. It’s a marvelous winter state, and a great agricultural State.” WA #200, Oct. 10, 1926

WESTON, West Va.: This is the state to be in for this Holiday. Even President Bush canceled one of his weekly visits to Ohio to spend the Fourth in West Virginia, at Ripley. Ripley always puts on one of the biggest Independence Day celebrations for a little town, anywhere in the country.

Now I was about fifty miles away, so I didn’t get to hear him personally, but from the newspaper accounts and television, it was a mighty fine and sincere speech. He paid a nice tribute to the Veterans, and for two West Virginia soldiers who won’t be returning from the war in Afghanistan.

Before the president arrived, a Baptist preacher had already warmed up the audience with an Invocation. The crowd in front of the Courthouse was around 8000. That’s more than live in the entire county, so they had to borrow a few spectators from neighboring counties. Normally that’s easy, but they preferred Republican spectators, and Republicans are scarce in some of those counties, especially ones willing to be spectators.

Well, facing such a huge congregation was rare for this preacher. He knew they weren’t all Baptists, but they are all potential Baptists. He condensed his usual sermon down to a minute, but he still let them know where he stood on gambling, natural childbirth and liquor by the drink.

The President lead the crowd in the Pledge of Allegiance. Now, we have all heard, and probably have said, the Pledge in the last few days, but I had never heard it with more pride in America. And it was louder, at least for the phrase “under God”.

Mr. Bush left West Virginia and headed for Maine, to be alone with all his family. Today, he celebrates a birthday, number 56. You know, there’s nothing better than celebrating a birthday with family and friends in a favorite setting, whether it’s with steaks on the grill, gravy and biscuits, cold watermelon, or blackberry pie. Fireworks are optional.

The World Cup ended with Brazil defeating Germany. Last week I said the score would be 1-0, and I was wrong, as usual, on my prediction. With my talent for predicting you can see why I should never be allowed to play the lottery, or Wall Street. Well, the score was 2-0, so the game had twice the excitement I expected. The most excitement though is in Turkey and South Korea. Finishing third and fourth was way beyond their expectations.

Ted Williams died yesterday. I can’t add anything to the tributes this American hero has received. But if you’re interested, here’s what I wrote in Weekly Comments #83, July 17, 1999: “Two places I would have liked to be this past week was Fenway Park and the Rose Bowl [women’s soccer, U.S. vs. China]. That baseball All-Star celebration in Boston brought out some of the men that made the game. When Ted Williams came out to throw the first pitch the players surrounded him. They all wanted to listen to this great hitter. They should have just given him a microphone, let the players sit around him on the field like in kindergarten, and allow him to treat all of us to a two-hour seminar on how to play the game and enjoy life. He could throw in a few tips on fishing and nobody would care if they just canceled the game. Well, the boys did play it, and the American League won 4 to 1. But it’s Ted Williams everyone will remember from that night.”

The way the owners and players are squabbling today, we’ll never have another one like him. If they stop playing in August, America’s pastime will be just that, in the past.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“We tore ourselves loose from England in that year (1776), it’s a question of who it was a better deal for. There was an awful lot of things before 1776 that we wasent “blessed” with when we were under England. Just mention any problem that’s facing our country today, and it wasent with us before 1776. Do you realize there was no Senate, and no Congress? Then you talk about freedom. No inflation, deflation, reforestation, or sophistication.

The only thing like today was we had no money. But we had no debts. Course you had a little Indian trouble, about one tenth as much as you do today with your kidnappers.” WA #598, June 10, 1934