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COLUMBUS: The year is coming to a close, and there’s lots of folks kinda glad to see it go. It was especially not a good year for Enron investors, Martha Stewart, United Airlines, the New York Yankees, St. Louis Rams, Democrats or Trent Lott.

The Dow-Jones is off 17 percent. Nasdaq has lost 75 percent in 3 years. (Does that mean if it loses another 25% next year it’ll be down to nothing?) By the time we all figured out the best thing to do with our money was to bury it, it ain’t worth the bother of digging the hole. We don’t have enough left to fill an empty soup can.

Who knows what 2003 will bring. Prognosticators are saying that after Bush takes care of Iraq this winter, and North Korea gets whatever they want from us, and Venezuela starts pumping oil again, why things will look up.

I hope they’re right. But before you accept what anyone says is going to happen in 2003, make ’em show you what they predicted for ’00, ’01 and ’02. If they got those years right then they got maybe a 50-50 chance of hitting it for 2003.

One man that don’t need to worry about next year is that fellow Whitaker who won the lottery in West Virginia. He’s giving ten percent to various churches and still has a hundred million after taxes. He sure seems to be a nice man, owns a construction company, and says he’s gonna put back on the payroll some workers he had laid off. You know, I hope those workers, and the churches, appreciate the gesture and don’t slack off a bit from the tough job in front of ’em.

I keep waiting for some farmer to win the lottery. But it won’t happen… farming is such a gamble they feel no need to buy Powerball tickets or fly off to Las Vegas for the weekend. But if one ever does buy a ticket and win, I know just what he’ll say when the announcer asks, “What are you going to do with the hundred million?” He’ll ponder a second or two, and finally utter, “Well, I reckon I’ll keep on farming, as long as it lasts.”

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“We are obliged to read the usual New Year’s prosperity applesauce by our same prominent men who are always rich enough to see a great year coming up. And to show you they don’t know any more about it than Clara Bow, last year they had their usual hokum predictions, and in October we lost half as much as it cost to put on the war, and yet not a one of these predicted it. …. We know that the new year will look fairly rosy to Mr. Rockefeller, …. but how is it going to look to just plain old Joe Doakes?” DT #1070, Dec. 30, 1929.

“I have read New Year predictions till I am blue in the face about the great future…, but I have yet to see one word on what 1930 holds in store for the Democrats. And that’s the very thing that makes me believe us Democrats may get a break in the coming year. I base my faith on the fact that 98 per cent of all predictions are wrong, and on the fact that it’s an off year in politics and all off years are Democratic years.” DT #1071, Dec. 31, 1929.

“Well, the old year is leaving us flat, plenty flat. But in reality it’s been our most beneficial year. It’s took some of the conceit out of us. We had enjoyed special blessings over other nations, and we couldn’t see why they shouldn’t be permanent. We was a mighty cocky nation… We had begun to believe that the height of civilization was a good road, bath tub, radio and automobile. I don’t think Hoover, the Republicans, or even Russia, is responsible for this. I think the Lord just looked us over, and decided to set us back where we belonged.” DT #1384, Dec. 30, 1930.

“Mr. Roosevelt proposed in his speech that a lot of these government_regulated business ethics would be made permanent. Well, that was a terrible blow to some business men. They had figured they would only be required to be honest by the government till the emergency was over.” DT #2316, Jan. 4, 1934

COLUMBUS: I’m a few days late. I was waiting to see what the Republicans would do with Trent Lott.

While I was procrastinating, the Pope dumped Cardinal Law and Al Gore traded his “Gore for ’04” bandwagon for a hot tub on Saturday Night Live. This Christmas season has turned into a cleansing season.

Now Venezuela is looking at our Senate for ideas on how to get rid of Chavez.

On Thursday Senator Lott decided to give up being Majority Leader, mainly so the networks and newspapers could get back to Iraq and bin Ladin. Tomorrow he will turn the job over to Senator Bill Frist. So it seems we have traded a Mississippi share cropper for a Tennessee heart surgeon, which is a pretty good deal because we’re paying him the same amount of money.

You know, if Mr. Frist could convince ALL our health professionals to work for share cropper wages it would pretty much solve the Medicare budget problem.

You might be wondering if Trent Lott is the first public man to ever say or do anything that showed his prejudices and shortcomings. No, there have been a few, and not just Republicans.

(Rather than try to properly chastise Trent Lott myself, let me refer you to the Historic quotes below. Will Rogers was not shy about sharing his feelings about bigots. Remember, there has been more than one minority that has felt discrimination in America.)

One man you gotta feel for is old Strom. Here’s a man who has spent the last 25 years of his life trying to right the wrongs of the first 75, then along comes a birthday celebration that digs up ancient history and spreads it out where everyone is obliged to look at again.

In other news, West Virginia decided to let the 4-H kids learn about Indians after all. (see Weekly Comments #223, March 25) At their summer camps they will divide up into the usual four tribes (Cherokees, Mingos, Delawares and Senecas) for purposes of friendly competition, the same as they have been doing for 80 years. You see, the officials dug into history and discovered that, from time to time, there has been competition among our various tribes. Of course, not all of it was friendly.

These young folks will have to accept some restrictions out of respect for Indian culture. They cannot wear a feathered headdress, or put on war paint. They can’t say “Ugh Ugh”, or other terms learned from reruns of the Lone Ranger.

They will be allowed to hold Council Circle, light a camp fire, and use the traditional cheer of “How How”.

No word on one of the hotter Indian issues, whether they can own and operate a casino.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Senator Heflin of Alabama held up all Senate business yesterday for five hours. That’s a record for narrow views.

Tonight in his home capital (Montgomery) I am pleading with Alabama to please not exterminate all Catholics, Republicans, Jews, Negroes, Jim Reed, Al Smith, Wadsworth, Mellon and Coolidge and the Pope.

Of course, my plea will do no good, for Tom knows the intelligence of his constituency better than we do.” DT #174, Feb. 18. 1927

“…Jefferson sitting up there on his hill believed in equality for all. But he dident divide up the hill with any poor deserving Democrats. For Democrats were poor in those days, as they are today, and they were deserving then, as they are today. It just seems like they are the Lord’s unfortunate people.

…That old Andrew Jackson… all he ever did was pounce on the Indians. He had to be tough to think up all the things he had done to the Cherokees.” WA #313, Dec. 23, 1928

“The Jacksonian Democracy consisted of inventing the plan of giving everybody jobs according to how many votes they delivered to Jackson. “If he ain’t of your Party, give him nothing. Charity begins at the polls.” Then he would go back home, if he had happened to have been defeated, and pounce on the Indians and take it out on them. An Indian had no more right to live, according to old Andrew, than a Republican to hold a job during a Democratic Administration.” Saturday Evening Post, March 30, 1929

“Say, with all this argument we have had about what Mr. Taft said when he swore in President Hoover, why not bring out what Vice President Curtis said when he swore in the first six Senators? Instead of saying “with no mental reservations” he got his English and his Kaw mixed and really said “with no mental obligations.”

Being in the Senate as long as he has and seeing the type, why the chances are that he was honest with this government and swore ’em in that way purposely. After all, it don’t make much difference to the country how they get in there. How to get ’em out, that’s our problem.” DT #826, March 20, 1929.

“Mr. Coolidge administered last rites for his alma mater, the Republican party. To offset him, I have been asked to give a word of cheer to the party of Jefferson, Raskob, Heflin, and Borah….

My advice is, keep the Republicans in power. Otherwise you will add to the unemployment, for if you throw a Republican out there is nothing else he can do, while a Democrat must be able to making a living out of office. Otherwise he would not be living.” DT #1335, Nov. 3, 1932

COLUMBUS: The headline reads, “Post Office Found $28 Billion.” Is it just me, or does that seem like a lot of money to lose track of, even in Washington? Well, the Post Office has been putting money aside for pensions for years, and some accountant finally added it all up and discovered they had stashed away $28 Billion more than necessary. You would think Congress would be outraged. And they were. One Congressman yelled, “For all that money, just think how many new post offices I could have built in my District.” I guess it was an honest mistake. You might remember back when whoever won the election got to hire all the Postmasters and mail carriers. If the country changed hands every four years, it can add up to a lot of employees, and all of them expecting a pension. Well, we finally wised up and told ’em, “We’re not gonna let you quit work after four years just because we boot your brother-in-law out of office.” But the Post Office kept on squirreling away the pension money, like they were expecting these millions and millions of retirees. Now you might think the Post Office would find a way to give some of that $28 Billion back to us. Maybe sell stamps for 25% off through Christmas. Or give us one day a week when all letters can be mailed free. At the very least give us penny post cards for a month, just for old times sake. But no, there’s no rebate, no roll back, no sale on stamps for the holidays. All they promise is they won’t raise prices for 3 or 4 years, or until the $28 Billion runs out. They happily announced they expect with steady postal rates businesses will be mailing more advertising flyers, catalogs and solicitations. So here’s what we get out of the deal. We overpaid $28 Billion, and in return, instead of receiving five pieces of junk mail every day, we can expect ten. I think the Post Office owes the American people an apology as much as Trent Lott does. Historic quote from Will Rogers: “Say, you talk about a prosperous town (Beverly Hills). We can’t find a Republican poor enough to be Postmaster here. Even Democrats got money in this town and won’t take the job.” DT #126, Dec. 30, 1926

PLAIN CITY, Ohio: Some folks might have considered this place “plain” when there was nothing but German-speaking Amish farmers here, but today this town is as up-to-date as any city. The farmers are still here, at least some of their off-spring are, but this place is growing.

They’re building a new grocery store, high school, township hall, and new houses everywhere. It’s good for the town, but they are covering up some of the best farm land in the state.

I’m out here for an all day conference of no-till farmers at the Der Dutchman restaurant. Even the restaurant is expanding. They had to. There’s men around this state that keep an eye out for meetings scheduled here, and no matter the topic they’ll pay the fifteen or twenty dollar registration, and sit there all day, just for the privilege of eating the dinner at noon. (You notice I call it dinner… the food they serve is so good, and so much of it, it would be an insult to call it lunch.)

These farmers get together to learn from each other. For example, there was four of them that in an hour spouted out about 50 good ideas on how to grow more corn and soybeans for less money. Why if everybody in attendance went back home and put into practice what they heard, (at least the part that suits their situation), it would bring more prosperity to the countryside than the Farm Bill.

One man told me how surprised he was that these farmers shared all their best ideas with their competitors, “Can you imagine the car companies doing the same thing?”

He’s right of course. And besides, these farmers don’t have any books or tapes to sell. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Last month I mentioned a new book, “The One-Minute Millionaire”, by my friend Mark Victor Hansen and Bob Allen. It is already a best seller. But don’t expect to ever see a book called “The One-Minute Millionaire Farmer”. If ever such a book is written it would be classified as Fiction. And you would find it in the section of the bookstore marked Comedy.

Last week America celebrated one of our greatest of holiday traditions… shopping the day after Thanksgiving. Folks in other parts of the world don’t understand why we act this way. I think it’s the turkey. See, there’s something in the meat that when it reaches the lower digestive track it triggers a hormonal reaction in the human body, mainly female. It’s the hormone that says, “get into the car, go forth and shop.”

For us men, the third helping of breast meat kinda bumps up against a different hormone, the one that says, “go lay on the couch and watch football for four days”.

I been reading about these folks getting sick on cruise ships. For those affected it is nothing to sneeze at, but these reporters seem to forget that boat rides have been known to make people ill. (see Historic Quotes)

When you crowd 3000 on board, usually paired up in a compartment no bigger than a walk-in closet at home, it should be no surprise if by the end of a week a couple hundred have visited the ship’s doctor. But this news won’t slow down the vacationers. When it’s 10 degrees F at home, the Carribean is mighty appealing.

P.S. Happy 100th Birthday this week to Senator Strom Thurmond. I’ve been telling everyone “we” were born in the same year (1879), so they’ll be surprised to find out you’re so young.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Well I landed after eight long days of heaving forth everything I looked at. We left New York at ten o’clock; I ate a hearty dinner and then the thing came off… After that dinner on Wednesday I could not eat a thing until Monday. Then after various attempts, got a lemon and an orange that never managed to find the way back.”(from a letter to his sisters, sent from England, April 4, 1902)

“I was supposed to make a one night trip by a small boat from down the coast (in New Zealand, February 1904). Well the train I was on pulled up beside the Boat, and I knowing that I was going to be sick, rushed aboard right away, and I says to myself I will get in the bunk and maby that will help me from being too sick. Well it’s the paint, and that smell of varnish that does it. Well I got a whiff of it going down, and I crawled right into my bunk, which was in among a lot of other men’s bunks. Now I was under the impression that the Boat was going to pull right out. But this old sniff of paint had got me, and sure enough I started in being sick. I had the old Lunch Basket tied right on to the edge of the bed. (They have lovely little Cuspidors of a thing for Birds like me.) I sure was going strong. I thought well I havent got long to be sick, for we will be in there before long, and finally some fellow come in and asked another fellow, ‘What’s the matter with this Boat, ain’t it ever going to pull out?’
Here I was practically dying and the boat tied to the dock, we hadent moved a peg. But the old imagination had done some working along with the old Stomacher, and here I was dying and still tied to the dock.” WA #472, Jan. 10, 1932

COLUMBUS: All I know is what I read in the “Columbus Dispatch”. The Legislature wants to raise money for schools by placing 14,000 slot machines at all the horse racing tracks. The Governor says he is for raising money, but he’s against the slot machines.

According to the paper, the horse tracks would keep half the gross profits (because that’s where the gambling machines would be housed), and the schools would get half. They don’t say what share the winners get.

This don’t seem quite right, after all it’s the schools that need the money, not the tracks. If the race tracks need to rake in more dough let ’em get better horses.

Now I’ve got another plan. Take those 14,000 gambling machines and divide them among the schools. That way you eliminate the middle man, and the schools don’t have to split the profits. There would be no overhead, and no need for a state education department. Teachers at the end of the month wouldn’t have to wait for their paycheck to arrive. They would just empty the machines and divvy up the proceeds amongst themselves.

The slot machines would even help the youngsters learn arithmetic, mainly subtraction. (For example: little Susan brings $10 to school, and loses $9 on the slots. How much does she have left to buy lunch?)

More parents would show up for PTA. Men that hadn’t been in a school building in twenty years would stop in every morning to try their luck.

This sounds like a good plan, and it should have the backing of Republicans and Democrats. But not the Methodists or Episcopals. Catholics are kinda on the fence: they favor gambling, but only on church property.

Ohio has tried this before. About every four years somebody puts gambling on the ballot, and it always goes down. It reminds me of Prohibition when there was lots of folks that voted dry, but drank wet, and now on gambling they vote “no”, but bet “yes”, even if they have to cross the state line to do it.

Have you seen this new campaign against SUV’s. It’s a bumper sticker that asks: What Would Jesus Drive?

Now I don’t rightly know, but I seem to recollect that Jesus mainly walked. He did ride a donkey on occasion, but he gave that up when hay went to $2 a bale.

Now I suppose the folks asking the question want Jesus to drive something. So I would propose a Model T Ford would be ideal. It was the first car ever built for the common man. No fancy frills, no options, and only came in black. It was cheap, so the Apostles could not complain he was wasting the Sunday collection.

Here’s the main reason for Jesus to drive a Model T… if he spent a full year cranking it to start it, patching punctured tires, replacing all the bolts that rattle off, and pulling it out of mud holes and pushing it up steep hills, well, that would be a bigger test of a man’s religion than forty days wandering in the Wilderness.

After watching that Victoria’s Secret show last night, the question they should ask is: What Would Jesus Wear? Or more accurately, what would Jesus pick out for Mary Magdalene to wear?

That show reminds me of Mr. Zeigfeld’s Follies. He always spent thousands of dollars on costumes, then wouldn’t let the girls wear them. ‘My’ main role was to come on stage for ten minutes between acts and entertain while the girls changed from nothin’, into nothin’.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Prohibition originally started out with us as a moral issue. It was either good or bad for you to drink. Then it drifted to economics: Did people save more when not drinking? Then into racketeering. But now it’s drifted into the worst angle of any, that is politics. American history records no return of anything once it got into politics.” DT#1855, July 15, 1932

COLUMBUS: The last time we talked, it was election night, the votes had not all been counted, and the Democrats still had hope. By early morning, all hope had vanished along with Mr. Mondale, Senator Max Cleland, and whoever was running against Elizabeth Dole.

So the Democrats have turned the whole situation over to the Republicans. They sort of admitted, “George, you’re riding the tall horse, at least for the next two years. You can set your own direction and pace, but we ARE bringing in Nancy Pelosi to nip at your heels once in a while, and bark if the occasion calls for it.”

In other election news, the cockfighters lost in Oklahoma. Now that it’s illegal, profits will likely go up. Look for cockfighting to bring prosperity to Oklahoma like Prohibition did for Chicago.

Did you see where the Parliament in Iraq voted against the UN inspectors, and the next day Saddam over-ruled them? That don’t mean he’s ready to give in, rather he knows it’s his neck on the line, not Parliament’s. He was hoping the Democrats (or maybe France) would save him, but now it kinda looks like he’s depending on bin Laden.

Here in Columbus, they’re holding a convention of real estate investors, and I was invited to annoy them last night. I tell you, after trying for the past two years to cheer up audiences consisting mainly of Wall Street investors (and failing miserably), this was a pleasant change. They were in an optimistic mood when they got here, and if they follow everything the other speakers are scheduled to teach them, they’re liable to double their investment by Christmas. The only thing along that line I could possibly suggest to them was to read a new book called “The One Minute Millionaire”. But they won’t do it; that’s not fast enough for these folks.

I told them something “I” had written about real estate back in 1928. “The government sent the Indians to Oklahoma. They had a treaty that said, ‘You shall have this land as long as grass grows and water flows.’ It was not only a good rhyme but looked like a good treaty, and it was till they struck oil. Then the Government took it away from us again. They said the treaty only refers to ‘Water and Grass; it don’t say anything about oil’.”

Well, they didn’t laugh, and I was a bit surprised. Of course at the time, the Indians didn’t think it was funny either. **

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (immediately after the 1928 election)

“FOR SALE: Would like to sell, trade, dispose of or give away to right parties franchise of what is humorously known as Democratic Party. Said franchise calls for license to enter in national elections; said right of franchise is supposed to be used every four years, but if intelligent parties had it they would let various elections go by default when understood they had no chance.
If in right hands and only used in times when it had an “issue” or when Republican Party had split, think it could be made to pay, but present owners have absolutely no business with it. Under present management they have killed off more good men than (railroad) grade crossings have.” DT #712, Nov. 7, 1928

“Offers pouring in all day for the purchase of the Democrats. All want the title, but no one wants any of the cast.” DT #713, Nov. 8, 1928

** Note: I added several of Will Rogers’ quotes about real estate on this web site. Click on “Quotes”, then “Real Estate”.

If you’re interested in reading and seeing more about Will Rogers Days, go to www.willrogers.com and click on “What’s New”, then “Large Turnout Pays Homage to Will Rogers”. This is a news report about the birthday events Nov. 4 at Claremore and Oologah. The story does not mention me (I had no official role in the festivities), but I took all ten photos which illustrate it.

CLAREMORE, Okla.: When this town gets all fixed up for a birthday celebration, it never looked better. And the people around here, and up at Oologah, are the friendliest in the world, and always have been. They had a big parade Sunday afternoon, and former Governor Nigh was in it. He was governor so many years ago, folks think we’re about the same age.

Yesterday morning they had a birthday cake at the Ranch at Oologah, and music from the grade school kids. In the afternoon the Cherokee ladies of the Pocahontas Club had a ceremony at the Memorial at Claremore with cookies afterward. Of course there were some speeches, but they were short compared to the music and cake and cookies. With friends and family, it was a wonderful way to celebrate a birthday, number 123.

I stopped in to vote this morning, at the polling place just down the hill from the Memorial. According to the front page of the “Tulsa World”, a million people might vote in Oklahoma, and I didn’t want ’em to end up with only 999,999 on account of me. Besides they got something important on the ballot – cockfighting. That’s why so many are voting. Cock fighting has been a popular enterprise and a lot of folks have wanted to get rid of it for a long time, but they couldn’t. Now this vote today might make it illegal, but it’s kinda like the Prohibition Amendment, they won’t eliminate it. We’ll end up with a lot of cockfight bootleggers.

Well, back to my voting. They said, “Will, your name’s not in the book, and you can’t vote”. Now, that was a terrible jolt. Seems it don’t count that for over fifty years I’ve been what you might call a “permanent resident”.

Well, I hope they get their million voters, but they should get two million. I met about a dozen exchange students, from Russia, way up in Siberia, who are living in Claremore for three weeks, to learn more about us. They’re seeing how a democracy works, first hand. But they’re liable to go home wondering why half of us don’t even bother to vote.

If you’re still looking for a place to see some beautiful fall colors, get over here in the next few days. The trees around Oologah Lake never looked better. I think all the clouds lately has held the colors.

Happy birthday to Laura Bush. She’s another one of these folks born on Nov. 4.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“I had never seen a Cockfight, and I personally don’t approve of it – this thing of having one Chicken with sharp knives on its legs, immediately and instantaneously sever the jugular vein of its opponent, who also has on similar knives and has an equal chance of doing some severing itself.” Saturday Evening Post, May 12, 1928

“Well, the promising season ends next Tuesday, and at about 8 o’clock that same night the “alibi” season opens… To show you what campaign promises amount to, can you remember back a few weeks ago when the promise was made on both sides that ‘the campaign was to be run on a high plane’? This campaign ends Tuesday, but it will take two generations to sweep up the dirt.” DT #706, Oct. 31, 1928.

P.S. In case you’re wondering, I flew back to Ohio this afternoon. And they let me vote. I guess the standards are lower than in Oklahoma.

COLUMBUS: By golly, the Angels beat the Giants after all. It took ’em 7 games and the score of the last game was 4 to1. Why am I telling you this old news? Well, hardly anybody east of Fresno bothered to watch, and if someone ever asks you, “who won the 2002 World Series?”, you can’t credit your ignorance to me if you miss it.

The players all got a trip to Disneyland. Yeah, right. I think it’s across the street from their baseball field. They should’ve taken ’em to Gene Autry’s Melody Ranch. At least they would get a bus ride.

Wasn’t that a tragedy up in Minnesota, losing Paul Wellstone and other fine people with him. Everybody knew where he stood, but they always asked him anyway because it was so enjoyable and enlightening to hear him explain it. He could always be counted on to vote one way, kinda like Senator Hatch of Utah, except the opposite. They canceled each other out 99% of the time. Everybody knows you could remove about two-thirds of the Senate and the country would run just as good, maybe better.

They had a funeral for Sen. Wellstone, and it turned into a 3-hour Revival Meeting for the Democratic denomination. Of course the Democrats need to be revived, or even resurrected, but Republican Senators are demanding equal time. The television networks said, “We’ll give it to you, under one condition.” But, so far, none of them has volunteered for the role of the corpse.

Looks like we may get Walter Mondale back in there, and Frank Lautenburg from New Jersey. Ohio and Kansas are thinking about bringing back John Glenn and Bob Dole.

With prospects of these wise old birds returning to the Senate, Strom Thurmond is feeling kinda sorry about yielding his South Carolina seat.

Why, I wouldn’t be surprised at the opening roll call to see Louisiana represented by Huey Long.

Here in Ohio, no matter who wins governor’s race, he will likely raise taxes. Of course they are denying it till after the election. Gov. Taft finally admitted yesterday he is against any new income tax or sales tax, but to fund the schools he might be obliged to put on an “education tax”.

Now there is a sly one, naming a tax for where the money’s going instead of where it’s coming from. See, this new tax will be on income or sales or property, but it’s going for schools.

Really, I think this is a good idea, in fact it ought to be that way for anybody who wants a share of our money. We already know where the money’s coming from, it’s coming from those that have got it. From now on, when we give it, we would know where it’s headed.

For instance, if you want support for the farmer, you put on a “farmer tax”, and I think the majority would maybe vote in favor of such a tax. Probably the same for a “teacher tax”.

But if you want a “beach tax” to haul sand and pile it in front of millionaires’ oceanfront houses, well, the odds are about the same as a “Governor’s and Legislator’s tax” to raise their salaries.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Come pretty near having two holidays of equal importance in the same week, Halloween and Election, and of the two, Election provides us the most fun. On Halloween they put pumpkins on their heads, and on Election they don’t have to. Candidates have been telling you that if elected they would “pull you from this bog hole of financial misery.” Now is a good chance to get even with ’em, by electing ’em, just to prove what a liar they are.  Personally I think this is the right year for a good man to be defeated in.” DT #1334, Nov. 2, 1930

“The crime of taxation is not in the taking it, it’s in the way that it’s spent.” DT #1764, March 20, 1932

COLUMBUS: That blast of air felt in the region around Washington, D.C. today was from a collective sigh of relief. They caught the snipers asleep, along I-70 headed west.

One was an Army veteran, John Williams (now John Mohammad), the other a 17-year old, John Malvo, who is in this country illegally.

It was this younger fellow that finally got them caught. Like many teenagers, he simply could not stay off the telephone.

These guys got around. They lived in Tacoma, then went to Alabama and killed a clerk, then to Camden, New Jersey, apparently to get a good deal on a 1990 Chevy Caprice.

Camden is the most curious stop for these two. Local police are checking their records for recent murders. See, in Camden ten murders in a month is kinda routine. Mohammad and Malvo probably figured out, “We can’t scare anyone around here with killings, let’s try Maryland.” So they left, but before they left they mailed in their absentee votes, for Senator Toricelli.

Do you remember my suggestion from October 7? Well, I almost forgot it myself, but here it is. I said, “Putting on a war just to take out one man seems kind of excessive. Maybe they should just find the guy shooting those people in Maryland, and ship him to Baghdad.”

I think we’ve got what negotiators like to call a win-win situation. Our Air Force can drop those two murderers (alleged) into Iraq. If they can knock out Saddam, we pardon them, but leave them there. If Saddam catches them… well, it saves the millions we would otherwise have to spend on their trials.

This idea will offend some of you, and I don’t blame you for being upset. But for the last month there’s been millions of men, women and children around our nation’s capital who have had their whole lives upset, so they would probably vote in favor of the plan.

Johnny Cochran is trying to get in touch with the suspects. I’m not quite sure whether he wants to defend them, or to ask ’em if they are the murderers O. J. has been searching for the last few years.

Well, finally, radio and television broadcasters can get off these snipers and back to what Americans want to hear about. Politics.

Speaking of broadcasters, the past two days I got to meet and listen to two of the best, Walter Cronkite and Sam Donaldson. Mr. Cronkite started off the annual convention of the Ohio Association of Broadcasters, and Sam ended it. They had some other speakers in between that you might not have heard of, but they held their own. Keith Harrell, Chris Lytle, Frank Pacetta and Jones Loflin did a marvelous job of teaching and training and motivating.

You might be interested in some of what Mr. Cronkite told those folks. He said he is disappointed with network news today. They spend too much time on fluff, not enough on the important news. Instead of using scandal and entertainment to attract an audience, what they need is better writing and more thought on the important stories. That’s what will make it more interesting and draw an audience. He said we can’t afford to have an ignorant nation.

He has known and talked with every man who has served as President from Hoover to George W. He said they are all smart, but the smartest of them all is Jimmy Carter.

He was born in Missouri, and had his first broadcasting job in Oklahoma City. He has worked in journalism more than 60 years and will celebrate his 86^th birthday on November 4. If that date seems familiar to you, perhaps it is because another great man who did some broadcasting will be honored on the same day for birthday number 123, Will Rogers.

Tonight I was invited to speak to the Hilliard Kiwanis Club which meets just down the road. They’re a fine bunch of men and women, and do some great things for the local community and around the world. This Saturday they are scheduled to paint a giant map of the United States on the asphalt playground at an elementary school. They were picking out colors. I suggested Ohio ought to be red, in reflection of the state budget problems. But about 40 states have the same problem and they can’t all be painted the same color. Our kids need all the help they can get with geography.

Gene Autry’s Angels are still alive in the World Series, and headed home to Anaheim for two games.

Historical quotes from Will Rogers: (from a speech to Kiwanis International convention, 1933)

“I am here tonight as kind of a peace offering. I have told a lot of jokes about these eating outfits, service clubs, or whatever you want to call them. …I have told a lot of jokes about these service clubs, or eating outfits, because I could not see much sense in them. But they were beneficial to the hotels, because they got rid of a lot of bad food.

All of that was back in the old days. It looks like you have really got a mission to fulfill now; you are doing something. You have reformed and you are going along all right. I know from personal experience that you are getting along fine and doing something worth while.”

 

COLUMBUS: Our President came back to Ohio again, this time to Cincinnati to give a speech to the nation. Actually it was mainly a speech to the Democrats. And Saddam Hussein.

You may wonder , why Cincinnati? Well, can you think of a better place to announce a War? Look at the Bengals. Anybody who comes to Cincinnati always wins.*

Putting on a war just to take out one man seems kind of excessive. Maybe they should just find the guy shooting those people in Maryland, and ship him to Baghdad.

But Mr. Bush does not really expect to have a War. He figures once he gets the Army and Air Force and everybody lined up behind him, in unanimous support, it’ll end before it starts. So far, all he’s got behind him is England. And the Republicans. That leaves about 250 assorted countries, and the Democrats. So at the rate he is attracting folks to his side of the argument, it will be unanimous by around Christmas. Of 2010.

He is already looking ahead. He says when Saddam is ousted, America is willing to send Twenty Billion dollars a year to Iraq. Yes sir, 20 Billion. And at ten dollars a barrel, that’ll get us a lot of oil.

In other news this week New Jersey Senator Toricelli dropped out, and the Supreme Court says it is ok for him to be replaced on the ballot by a retired Senator, Frank Lautenberg.

Ohio Democrats are keeping an eye on that New Jersey situation. See, we’ve got a candidate for Governor here, and he ain’t doing so hot. There’s talk that he might resign from the campaign, and be replaced on the ballot by John Glenn.

The baseball playoffs are underway. Already the teams everybody figured would win the World Series have been knocked out. The Angels beat the Yankees. That’ll make Gene Autry pull out his guitar and strum a happy tune for St. Peter. The St. Louis Cardinals have a new Gashouse Gang ready to take on Barry Bonds. And that team up in Minneapolis that some folks wanted to get rid of a year ago, they’re still in the hunt.

A judge in North Carolina announced he is taking the crown away from both of their Miss America candidates, at least temporarily. When this controversy started a month or so ago I heard from a former Miss North Carolina who says she is ready and willing to step in. In fact, she has been ready for about 40 years. Jeanne Robertson still has her tiara, and a closet full of evening gowns and nice clothes, and she still fits in her old bathing suit.

She does have a new talent… she just stands up there and talks and the judges and the whole audience are rolling in the aisles, laughing.

She says that’s the same reaction she would get wearing the old one piece.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“There has been war since the beginning of time, and we are no smarter than the people that have gone before us, so there is awful apt to be some more war.” WA #368, January 12, 1930

*Note: for those of you not into American football, the Cincinnati Bengals of the National Football League are 0-5.