Category: Uncategorized

#450, April 2, 2007

PEMBERVILLE, Ohio: Have you folks ever addressed a banquet room full of tomato growers? For any speaker claiming to be a humorist, if the jokes fall flat he’s at grave risk of being pummeled with rotten produce. Even in the off season.

This was a fine audience tonight, they laughed when they were supposed to, and we got out early to attend to the main event of the night, the Florida – Ohio State basketball game.

That’s when the evening turned sour for these Ohio folks. It’s not fair to say the Buckeyes got pummeled, but the Gators sure have developed a taste for nuts lately. Yes, I admit last week I said if Greg Oden played 35 minutes Ohio State would win; he did but they didn’t. It takes 5 players at their best to win a basketball championship; Ohio State was a couple short and Florida had at least 8. [the score was 84-75]

Well, these farmers all sell their tomatoes to a company called Hirzel Canning. They’re a fine old company, run by the Hirzel family and they invite their growers to a steak dinner every spring. They don’t put Hirzel on the label, they use Dei Fratelli. So if you eat your tomatoes from a can that says Dei Fratelli, you can bet they were raised and chopped, crushed, diced, sauced, or shoved in the can whole, right here in Ohio. Dei Fratelli is only a fake name, kind of a nom de paste, to let your taste buds know they’re in for a special tomato treat, even if it didn’t arrive by way of Rome or Venice.

The latest straw poll results came in Sunday. You remember, this is the poll where every donated dollar is a vote, and every vote is a dollar. It’s the most honest election ever staged in this country because you know exactly what you got for your dollar.

Senator Clinton appeared to win with 36 million votes. Now that includes 10 million excess votes she held back from her Senate race in New York. And some of the remaining 26 million will only count if she moves on to the General election, so nobody really knows how many she got till they send ’em all down to Florida for a recount.

John Edwards ended up with 14 million. Do you know how he got the 14 million? He’s a trial lawyer so he just takes a third of everybody else’s votes.

Mitt Romney surprised some folks with 21 million. But it should not be a surprise. He’s Mormon, there’s millions of Mormons, and Mormons are in the habit of giving 10 percent.

The house passed a spending bill for Iraq. A hundred Billion for the troops and 20 Billion for Pork. Well, they say it was pork, and everybody got something out of the bill except the hog farmers. Spinach growers, peanut farmers… Come to think of it, they skipped over the tomato farmers. The way most voters feel about Congress, they don’t want to encourage the growing of more ammunition.

Congress left on a two-week Easter recess, or as it’s known in the Senate, the Iowa New Hampshire field trip. With all these Senators running for President, they didn’t have anyone left to go with Nancy Pelosi to Syria. Congressman Kucinich, may as well have gone with her; he’s gonna get as many votes from Syria as Iowa.

Millions of dogs and cats are going back to the way they always wanted to be fed, with scraps from the supper table. You give one some leftover homemade biscuits and a couple of bones to gnaw on and he’ll be content all night and beggin’ for more the next morning. Kinda like some Congressmen.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“The next time a politician gets to sprouting off about what this country needs, either hit him with a (rotten) tomato, or lay right back in your seat and go to sleep.” WA #115, Feb. 22, 1925

“We cuss `em and we joke about `em, but they are all good fellows at heart; and if they wasn’t in Congress, why, they would be doing something else against us that might be worse.” Saturday Evening Post, July 24, 1925

Special note: 4 more Will Rogers movies are now available on DVDs. Call the Will Rogers Memorial Museum at 800-324-9455, and ask for Volume 2. Total cost about $60. The movies are: Ambassador Bill, David Harum, Mr. Skitch and Too Busy to Work.

#449, March 26, 2007

COLUMBUS: Results of another straw poll will be announced Sunday. Votes are due by March 31 and it costs you a dollar to vote. Don’t know why I didn’t think of that idea.

Yes, after the March 31 deadline candidates will report how much money they have collected. Without an election board, I don’t expect an honest count considering the results will be announced on April First.

It used to be a candidate was proud if he didn’t collect much of anything. That way he could claim his support came from hand-shaking, baby kissing and shoe leather and proved he wasn’t out to buy votes. Nowadays, if you can’t round up at least $20 Million by March, the year BEFORE election year, why you’re seen as a pauper and unfit for high office.

College basketball is down to a Final Four. They’re all deserving teams but I would get run out of town if I put my money on anyone other than Ohio State. If Greg Oden plays 35 minutes a game it’s a cinch.

All I know is what I read in the paper, and today the Associated Press announced we are losing the battle against illegal aliens. We have spent over $200 Million since 2003 to track ’em down and we’ve got more fugitives now than we did when we started. Kinda like Iraqi insurgents.

The Homeland Security Department explained we have 623,292 of these fugitive aliens and they blame it on “insufficient detention capacity and limitations of an immigration database”. I say it’s because we don’t have enough jail cells and they don’t give their right names.

We need more Border Patrol agents like those two in Texas that we put in prison because they chased a drug smuggler back to Mexico with buckshot. Right there is two jail cells to help relieve the shortage. Of course it would be easier for our agents to arrest these 600,000 fugitive illegal aliens if they didn’t have to sort through 12,000,000 other illegal aliens to find ’em.

Alberto Gonzales is facing a Congressional firing squad. Maybe he should be fired; what we need is an Attorney General who instead of sacking 8 prosecutors will hire 800 more and put ’em to work prosecuting these fugitive aliens; not just prosecuting them but driving ’em home. While you’re at it, take along the men that hired ’em and leave them there without their passports.

I don’t intend to appear cold-hearted. There ain’t any easy answer to this illegal immigration problem. But here’s a start. Make ’em all go home, and let back in the ones we want. Who gets in would be our decision, not Mexico’s. Course we need a few million immigrants to do the work. And since we can’t depend on Europeans to come over and do our chores (they’ve gotten just as lazy as we have lately), it’s pretty much up to the Mexicans.

One immigrant got confused and instead of crossing the Rio Grande he tried to swim the Niagara River. I guess he figured to head over the Falls on the Canadian side and hope to land at the bottom on the American side. Right there is my answer to the amnesty question: any immigrant who goes over Niagara Falls in winter and makes it to American soil, give him amnesty. Anybody else has to earn it.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“Personally, I am in favor of money being spent on elections. The more money the better. If they can get contributions from rich men and distribute them around among the poor and needy I think it’s a good thing… A voter nowadays has very little chance of getting anything from his Senator after election, and why shouldent he get what he can before? Besides, the fellow may not get elected, and in that case the vote they sold did no harm and dident break the fellow that made the contributions. So my slogan is: Bigger and higher-priced elections.” Letters of a Self-Made Diplomat to his President, May 20, 1926

#448, March 18, 2007

Oklahoma City, Okla.: The “Will Rogers 2008 Straw Poll” votes are counted. Barack Obama grabbed an early lead over Hillary Clinton and Al Gore to win the Democratic nomination. Rudy Giuliani edged out John McCain and Newt Gingrich for the Republicans.

A Canadian asked if he could vote even though he’s not a U.S. citizen. I told him, Go ahead, there’s plenty of Mexicans voting in 2008 that aren’t citizens either. A North Carolina woman wrote in Fred Thompson, but said she’d give up that vote if she could subtract one from Hillary. Well, I couldn’t do that, not with all the attention on these federal prosecutors lately.

These states trying to jump to the head of the Primary line ain’t after the vote as much as the campaign loot. “Politics has got so expensive it takes lots of money to even get beat with nowadays” and they all want a bigger share of the ads.*

The Primary’s over anyway. Barack and Rudy can name their Vice-President and get an early start on the general election. Why fool with conventions. Denver has had enough deep snow catastrophes without being snowed under by Democrats. Minneapolis-St. Paul wouldn’t mind some more snow, but they won’t get it from Republican hot air.

Here’s another “election” that’s all over but the crowning. Headline in The Oklahoman says, “New Miss Oklahoma crowned.” Really, it should have read, “Oklahoma crowns 2008 Miss America.” See, that’s what happened the past two years, and Lindsey Miller can make it three in a row. Good luck to the other 49, but you’re competing for Runner-Up and Miss Congeniality.

I’m out here in Oklahoma City for a thing they called, (don’t laugh), the Will Rogers Writers’ Workshop. It ended last night (Saturday) and attracted every kind of writer you can imagine. They write humor columns, editorials, greeting cards, cowboy poems, obituaries, short stories, books (often made up of a pile of the previous six listed items) and, once in a while, the News.

A friend had asked me last month why I was going to Oklahoma, and when I told him, he asked, “Do you have to take your own horse?” “No, I said Writers’ workshop, not Riders’.” But if it had been rider training it might have done less harm to these folks careers, or even rears.

It’ll require a decade of Erma Bombeck Writers’ Schools to get ’em back to where they was a week earlier.

Historic quote from Will Rogers: (on good writin’)

“I got me a dictionary one time, but goodness it dident last long. I could write the article while I was trying to see what the word meant. That’s one good thing about language, there is always a short word for it. Course the Greeks have a word for it, and the dictionary has a word for it, but I believe in using your own for it.

The minute you put in a word that everybody don’t know, you have just muddled up that many readers. Running onto a word you can’t read or understand is just like a detour in the road. You cuss it, and about a half dozen of ’em and you will take a different road the next time. I love words but don’t like strange ones. You don’t understand them, and they don’t understand you.

Old words is like old friends, you know ’em the minute you see ’em… Nothing will make a reader yawn any quicker than good English.” WA # 566, October 29, 1933

*the quote in the third paragraph is from 1931, a year and a half before the ’32 election.

“Truly one of your best.”  George G. (a faithful reader of Weekly Comments)

#447, March 12, 2007

COLUMBUS: President Bush is in South America. He’s down there to spread good will among the natives and learn how to make ethanol from sugar cane. If he also learns how to live through a Revolution without getting shot, it will be a worthwhile trip for Republicans. South America is known for Revolutions, but the survival rate for their ex-Presidents is mighty low.

Mr. Chavez of Venezuela sent a few hundred of his unemployed to kinda greet our President at every stop. These protesters remind him of the Democrats in Congress except these birds throw rocks instead of just barbs.

Mr. Bush should know that making ethanol is not a problem. There’s old men in the hills of Tennessee and Virginia who can teach him all he needs to know. And making ethanol from sugar cane is not the problem. The problem facing the country today is how to grow sugar cane in Iowa. That’s the problem. What we need is a Luther Burbank or George Washington Carver to crossbreed cane with Indian corn so you can squeeze the stalks and get ethanol, and shuck the ears and get enough corn to satisfy the hogs, cattle and Kellogg’s.

In other news, arguments continue over Anna Nicole’s baby. Not over the baby actually, but over the inheritance. Take away the inheritance, and the shyster lawyers would drop off the news overnight. Meanwhile, Hollywood starlets are lining up to get implants in hopes of being picked to play Anna in the movie. At 127, I’m almost old enough to play her billionaire husband.

Last week’s Presidential straw poll is drawing interest beyond any expectations. Where these other polls question a dozen voters, then report that so-and-so is leading by a 7 to 5 margin, ours attracted way more than a dozen. You can still vote through next Sunday, and so as not to influence the outcome, I will not report any partial results except to tell you a few write-ins have out-polled proclaimed candidates.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“I am leaving for everything south of the equator. Revolutions are thicker down there than Roosevelt Republicans. Am flying down the west coast by Chili, then to Argentina for a week, and up the east coast by Brazil. I will see more in a week than a New York gossip artist can see in five years of keyholes. South America is our coming country, so it’s good to know where it’s at.” DT # 1929, Oct. 10, 1032

“Say, they got a little country down here named Uruguay. Saw their big football stadium. For five straight years they have had the champion football soccer team in the world, and they play any country. The referee stays inside a big wire net where the spectators can’t get at him. Down here the people vote on whether they will hold a football game or a revolution, both equal in casualties.” DT #1939, Oct. 21, 1932

“Horses raises what the farmer eats, and eat what the farmer raises. But you can’t plow the ground and get gasoline.” DT #1967, Nov. 23, 1932 [Of course today you can plow the ground and get ethanol. But really you don’t need to plow, just no-till plant your corn.]

(Note: results are revealed in #448 (March 18)

#446, March 5, 2007

COLUMBUS: Politics heated up this week. You know, it’s kind of embarrassing for a country to be goaded into deciding on a new President 22 months before the old one retires.

The old Conservatives met in Washington, D.C., and held a straw poll. Being good Republicans they worked it out so just about everybody drew a long straw. Governor Romney somehow drew one more vote than the man in second place, so he claimed to be the big winner.

In Selma, Alabama, Senators Clinton and Obama preached in separate churches and drew straws for the Baptist vote. Their main contest appeared to be over who could look and sound the most Southern. Meanwhile, John Edwards (who IS southern) stayed at home in South Carolina.

I’m sure that many readers of this humble column are wringing their hands, frustrated at being left out of the President-picking process. You deserve a chance to make your vote count, to have a say in the race, even ahead of New Hampshire or Iowa or Nevada or Mexico. Well, here’s your chance.

To vote is easy: send an email to  with the name of your choice in the Subject line. Polls close Sunday, March 18.

I’ll add all the votes, fairly and without malice. Who knows, we might be picked up by Associated Press. And if the vote tally is screwy enough it might even land on CNN or Fox.

_____ Hillary Clinton

_____ Barack Obama

_____ Bill Richardson

_____ John Edwards

_____ Dennis Kucinich

_____ Al Gore

_____ Mitt Romney

_____ Sam Brownback

_____ Rudy Giuliani

_____ John McCain

_____ Newt Gingrich

_____ Duncan Hunter

_____ None of the above! (Write-ins count, too.)

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“The Literary Digest loves to straw vote on subjects that everybody is arguing over at the time. Well, here is one that is creating more dust than the one they are voting on now, so I propose they start a straw vote at once on the following: “Will people vote on Prohibition at the polls (where they have to sign their names) the same as they do in a straw vote? Please vote either Yes or No.” You see the Literary Digest put in a middle vote (the modification plan). Now, both the wets and the drys are claiming that vote, so let’s get started straw voting on my plan, no confusing planks.” DT #1164, April 18, 1930

#445, February 25, 2007

COLUMBUS: Last week I received a nice note from a fellow asking, “What was Will’s feelings toward the church? What did he believe on the subject of Christ or the Christian church?”

At first, I wasn’t sure how to take the inquiry. But then I realized the Academy Awards are tonight (Sunday), and since I’m kinda associated with Hollywood, my faith might naturally come into question.

Besides I have kidded preachers and joked about religions just the same as congress, bankers, lawyers, real estate agents and Chambers of Commerce. If a man just reads these remarks that were intended to have more humor in ’em than theology, it’s easy to see how he could get the wrong idea.

In 1920 I was challenged to a debate by the famous Baptist preacher, Dr. James Whitcomb Brougher on the topic, “Resolved, that cowboys have contributed more to civilization than preachers”. I didn’t know till five minutes before we started I was supposed to defend the cowboy. In the debate, conducted in front of the Advertising Club of Los Angeles, I claimed, “The cowboys went across the plains in the early days, fought every foot of the way, killed Indians and fought buffalo, and opened this beautiful country of California up. And the preachers came along and closed it.” Well, he came right back at me, “The first thing the preachers had to do in advancing civilization was to catch a cowboy and civilize him.” So, that went on for most of an hour, with no clear winner but we both got a lot of laughs.

During the famous Scopes trial in Dayton, Tennessee, I wrote a few things on evolution: “The Lord put all these million of people over the earth. They don’t all agree on how they got here, and ninety percent don’t care. But He was pretty wise when He did see to it that they all do agree on one thing. (whether Christian, Heathen, or Mohammedan) and that is that the better lives you live the better you will finish.”

“As far as Scopes teaching children evolution, nobody is going to change the belief of Tennessee children as to their ancestry. It is from the action of their parents that they will form their opinions. There is a terrible lot of us who don’t think that we come from a monkey, but if there are some people who think that they do, why, it’s not our business to rob them of what little pleasure they may get out of imagining it.”

“I was raised predominantly a Methodist, but I have traveled so much, mixed with so many people in all parts of the world, that I don’t know just what I am now. I know I have never been a nonbeliever. I have worked with every denomination in the world because one is just as worthy as the other. I don’t think any one religion is the religion. If I am broad-minded in any way (and I hope I am in many) but I do know that I am broad-minded in a religious way. Which way you serve your God will never get one word of argument or condemnation out of me. There has been times when I wished there had been as much real religion among some of our creeds as there has been vanity, but that’s not in any way a criticism.”

“The Lord didn’t leave any room for doubt when he told us how we should act. His example, and the Ten Commandments are plain enough. Whoever wrote the Ten Commandments made ’em short. They may not always be kept, but they can be understood. They’re the same for everyone.”

Since the movies are on everyone’s mind tonight I’ll close with a comment praising one in 1927: “Say, I just now saw the movie ‘The King of Kings.’ This is not an ad. It’s a duty to let you know of it. The only way you could make a greater picture would be to have a better subject, and I doubt if there will ever be a better subject during our lifetime than the story of Christ.”

#444, February 19, 2007

COLUMBUS: I landed at the Tulsa airport Wednesday evening, on my way to Vinita, for a big Chamber of Commerce affair celebrating 100 years of statehood. I’ll admit, at times my arrival can cause a bit of a stir in the old home state.

Just outside the security check point, a young mother and three children were waiting, probably for dad to get off a plane. As I walked toward them, they were mesmerized, bug eyed, to see a man wearing a small Stetson, carrying saddlebags and a lasso. The older boy, about 10, blurted out, “Are you from Texas?”

I shook my head and smiled at him, “Now, think about it. This is Oklahoma. Who’s kinda famous in Oklahoma?” With that helpful hint, the boy practically burst, “Are you Tom Coburn?”

Well, I don’t particularly mind being confused with a Texan, but to be called a Senator…

Next morning, I drove to Vinita by way of Claremore and Chelsea, all on old Route 66. “My” grand-nephew, Bob McSpadden, showed me around town, including where the 4-story brick Willie Halsell College used to be (actually not a college, but a grammar school that “I” attended from age 12 to 15. Now it’s been replaced by a new Hall-Halsell elementary.) At the Daily Journal office they took our picture for the afternoon edition. Even made the front page.

Finally I had to work for my supper. I dug up some of the old stories I used to tell on the Chamber, and I honestly feel they were relieved to hear they aren’t any more rotten today than their predecessors. Of course in the old days it was all men, but now it’s about 50-50, so the women get an equal share of the credit.

A couple of weeks ago, I listed a page of announced and prospective candidates for President, and I casually suggested that Al Franken was available. Well, by golly, this week he announced he would run, but it’s for the Senate from Minnesota. I guess he felt obliged, like a few dozen of these other candidates, to serve his apprenticeship in the Senate where he can hone his skills among all those other Senate comedians. Then if he learns enough new jokes, he’ll go for President in 2012 or ’16.

If Ohio can be persuaded to elect Jerry Springer to the Senate along with Al, now folks that’ll be quite a show!

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on Presidents)

“There wasn’t any Republicans in Washington’s day. No Republicans, no Boll Weevil, no income tax, no cover charge, no disarmament conference, no luncheon clubs, no stop lights, no static [radio], no head winds… My Lord, living in those times, who wouldn’t be great?” DT #803, Feb. 21, 1929

“[Do you remember] Lincoln’s famous remark about ‘God must have loved the common people, because he made so many of them?’… Well, you are not going to get people’s votes nowadays by calling ’em common. Lincoln might have said it, but I bet it was not until after he was elected.” WA #82, July 6, 1924

“(President) Coolidge said, ‘I don’t want the Government to go into business.’ Well, if I was Mr. Coolidge I wouldn’t worry over that. The Government never has been accused of being a business man.” WA #158, Dec. 20, 1925
“You could transfer Congress over to run Standard Oil or General Motors, and in two years they would have both things bankrupt.” WA #307, Nov. 11, 1928

“(President Franklin D.) Roosevelt was rather undecided exactly what to do on the stabilization of the dollar till the U. S. Chamber of Commerce come out and told him what to do. Then he knew exactly what to do, do what the Chamber said not to do.
Mr. Roosevelt knows he is right now. Before he was in doubt.” DT #2277, Nov. 20, 1933

#443, February 12, 2007

COLUMBUS: Last week, no sooner did I brag about no snow in Columbus, than we got hit. It wasn’t much but it brought rush hour traffic to a crawl. Those folks in northern New York can handle six feet better than Columbus can three inches. The weather bureau says we’ll get another chance to practice driving in snow tomorrow.

Ford announced they will change the name of the Ford 500 (which nobody’s buying) to the Taurus, which everybody bought for years out of habit. They have lost Billions and outside of a peculiar plan to build their big pickups even bigger, this is their only hope. But I say if they really want to turn around the company, change the Ford Focus to the Model T. That’ll revive ’em.

Speaker of the House Pelosi has requested a fast airplane to take her from Washington to San Francisco. There’s some confusion over whether she has time for a refueling stop. Well, I have a suggestion; Tinker Air Force base in Oklahoma would be a natural place for a pit stop. Those boys are trained so well they get you back on track quicker than NASCAR. If she’s in an enormous hurry, they could refuel her in the air. Nobody wants air traffic delays to hold up the essential business of Congress.

Anna Nicole Smith died and that’s got her back on all the television talk shows. Newspapers hardly mentioned it because the only thing about her that draws attention is the moving pictures. Since I don’t offer videos either, why most of you will skip right on to the next story. Men are lining up claiming to be the daddy of her little girl, who really is a billion dollar baby. She makes Paris Hilton look like a pauper. She is attracting more candidates than the 2008 race for President. In fact a couple of the men are pondering a switch.

In this 2008 election, all the states are trying to jump ahead of Iowa and New Hampshire. I suggest they all get together and schedule the primary on November 4, 2007. That’s when everybody is used to voting, so why string ’em along till January or February. The race will be decided before Christmas anyhow, so why not make it official.

All these announced Democratic candidates are ignoring what our military men are saying about Iraq, so Australia’s John Howard jumped in to advise ’em. Sen. Obama says advice from the Prime Minister is ok, but sending 20,000 Australia troops to Iraq would be better. Believe me, if Mr. Howard asks ’em, they’ll go. And if we can get the 20,000 Ethiopian troops I suggested earlier, that makes 40,000; plus our own 20,000, why they would run the Iranians back out of there.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Well, for little fresh air away from Hollywood, made a little two-hour flight up to Frisco last night…. Some talk of President Roosevelt pulling in here for fuel, but I see where he has gone to Honolulu instead.” DT #2482, July 17, 1934

“The Islam women in Jerusalem have asked their government to take their veils off and allow the bride and bridegroom to see each other before marriage. It won’t do ’em any good. We don’t use ’em over here, but you would think we did.” DT #1273, Aug. 24, 1930

#442, February 5, 2007

COLUMBUS: Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts showed they could play in the rain. The Chicago Bears were hoping the rain would turn to snow, but being Miami, it just kept on raining. This Super Bowl will be remembered because it matched two great coaches. You may say, they aren’t great yet, and you’re right. But give them ten or twenty years and they will be. They are great men who lead by setting a good example. Coach Jim Tressel, who I’ve talked about before, is another one. They don’t always win, but they are always winners.

A peculiar scourge is following me around this winter; it snows everywhere I go. Except here in Columbus, Ohio. First it was Missouri in early December, then Des Moines in early January, West Virginia last weekend, and the northwest corner of Ohio today. Just to warn you folks in Oklahoma, I’ll be in Vinita February 15, so don’t put away your snow shovels. Oklahoma has had as much ice and snow as North Dakota. It don’t matter if a groundhog in Pennsylvania or a prairie dog in New Mexico peeked out of his hole and saw a shadow or the barrel of a 12-gauge, this winter has a mind of its own. It could last 6 more weeks, but it might only be 6 days, or go on for 6 months.

We may not have any snow to speak of in Columbus, but we are cold. Have you noticed, when it’s below zero some wise guy always brings up Global Warming. Not as many doubt it as once did, but Americans still hesitate to try and fix it till China and India and these other big nations join in. Without every country pulling together we’ve got as much chance of fixing Global Warming as we do fixing Iraq.

Now, history shows our planet has had warm spells before, and cold ones, too. These cycles seem to come around every few hundred years, and there ain’t anything men and women, or even dinosaurs, can do about it. It’s pretty much up to the Lord, and whether it takes a hundred years or a thousand years to warm up again don’t matter as much to Him as it does to us. And if you know it is going to get either warmer or colder, I bet most of you would vote for warmer.

Historic quotes by Will Rogers:

“I see where the Weather Bureau predicts more Snow for the Northwest. Good joke on the Weather Bureau. They can’t have any more. They haven’t got any place to put it.” WA #11, Feb. 25, 1923

 

#441, January 29, 2007

COLUMBUS: Miss Oklahoma won the Miss America Pageant again. Two years in a row. Lauren Nelson of Lawton received the crown from Jennifer Berry of Tulsa. You know, when they moved that historic contest from Atlantic City all the way to Las Vegas, they should have planted it in Oklahoma City instead so the winner wouldn’t have so far to go.

In the Presidential race, more announcements this week. Senator Kerry is out, Senator Biden is in, and Al Franken is available. Mike Huckabee of Arkansas is running, so is Duncan Hunter. (Where’s he from anyway?) For these long shot candidates, the best advice for them is to lay back in the race and wait for everybody running up ahead to stub their toe. With so many campaigning, if a few stumble at the same time the pile up could block the whole track for months.

Candidates are announcing so far ahead of elections, the states are racing to move the elections ahead. Half the states are jockeying for early primary dates. New Hampshire passed a law their primary would be held a week ahead of any other state. Then Iowa passed a law putting theirs two weeks ahead of New Hampshire. Nevada is waiting for the best offer. Don’t be surprised if the election of 2008 is decided in 2007.

One candidate has demanded that President Bush solve all the worst problems before he leaves office. On the surface that sounds like a good idea, but whether it’ll work, I got my doubts. Mr. Roosevelt didn’t ask President Hoover to end the Great Depression, Eisenhower didn’t demand that Truman end the Korean War. And there’s more examples we could all name. Sometimes it’s better to inherit a problem or two, so you don’t have to create so many new ones yourself.

These candidates that are setting up Exploratory committees, they should at the same time appoint an Explanatory committee. Then after Exploring his potential for attracting votes, and seeing none, this backup committee can jump in and Explain why he didn’t listen to his conscience instead of a committee. His conscience knew he wouldn’t get any votes, but was overruled by a committee.

In news out of Michigan, Ford admitted they lost twelve Billion dollars last year. I bet it took Henry Ford fifty years to earn his first 12 billion, and then to lose it one year… In New York, Pfizer responded to popular demand for cheaper drugs and cut 10,000 jobs. They are hoping not to lose as much as Ford. In somewhat better news, McDonald’s announced record earnings, over a Billion dollars. But a consumer group in Washington was outraged at the obscene profits and demanded an end to the tax subsidy for off-shore grilling. (Ok, I’m allowed one of those a year.)

Barbaro, the wonderful Kentucky Derby winner had to be put down today. He fought for his life, but was a bit beyond the limits of veterinary medicine. But you just watch; Barbaro’s battle will help save the life of the next top race horse with a similar injury.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“A man that don’t love a horse, there is something the matter with him. If he has no sympathy for the man that does love horses then there is something worse the matter with him.” WA #88, August 17, 1924

Seventy-five years ago this week, the world was in the midst of a disarmament conference in Geneva, and Will was there to cover it. One American delegate was Dr. Mary Woolley, President of Mount Holyoke College, and Will was impressed by her and wrote, “It’s no joking matter getting the world to disarm. Maybe a woman can do it. It’s a cinch men can’t.” DT #1723, Feb. 1, 1932