Category: Uncategorized

# 391, December 21, 2005

COLUMBUS: Mr. President, in case you are listening in, anything I say that might sound positive about those terrorists is purely accidental and unintentional. Yes, I admit I have readers in that Middle East region. But the ones I know about are more pro-American than a lot of Americans I could name off hand.

To my readers in and around New York City, you are getting an early holiday thanks to your transit workers. It seems they not only want to retire before 55, they want to retire a week before Christmas. When you make folks either stay home or walk 20 blocks to work, they’re going to be figuring out how the trains and buses can be run entirely by computers and robots. Then where will those guys jobs be?

Here in Columbus it’s been cold and snowy all of December. Most folks would not object if it warmed up and we could see a patch of green here and there peeking through the snow on Christmas morning. Only ones that might complain about not having a White Christmas are folks who want to ride their one-horse open sleigh to Grandma’s for dinner, and there aren’t many of those in Ohio unless you count the Amish. Santa in a bathing suit would be a nice change.

Merry Christmas to all, from both of us (Randall and Will).

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on Christmas)

“This was a very happy Christmas for me, in fact the best I have enjoyed in years. The shirts my wife gave me were the right size for the first time since wedlock. Of course, they were the wrong color, but one, if married, must not be too particular. For awhile it looked like I would spend a perfect Christmas. Then about noon a necktie arrived. I just looked out at the audience from the stage Christmas night and I laughed more at the funny ties than they did at my act. Men always wear ’em one night out of courtesy but the second night was back to normalcy….

Lots of people had kinder lost their faith in the real being of Santa Claus, but a thing happened in Washington that made me absolutely certain there is a Santa Claus. Didn’t CONGRESS ADJOURN? Now let any skeptic deny that that wasn’t the greatest gift to a nation from an all wise Santa Claus. Be a good joke on Congress if Mr. Coolidge didn’t call them back.” WA #108, Jan. 4, 1925

“Of course the whole thing started in a fine spirit. It was to give happiness to the young, and another holiday to the old, so it was relished by practically everybody. It was a great day, the presents were inexpensive and received with much joy and gratification, and it was a pleasure to see the innocent little souls as they rushed down to the big room with the fireplace on Christmas morning in their bare feet, and generally the back end of their little sleepers unbuttoned and a dragging. They remembered right where they had hung their stocking, and they dived into it with great glee and anticipation. No matter what they dug out, it was great. It was just what they wanted him to bring for they had confidence in him. The merest little toy was a boon to their young lives, and what a kick it was to the parents to have them rush back up to the bedroom and show you ‘what Santa brought.'” WA # 367, Jan. 5, 1930

# 390, December 15, 2005

COLUMBUS: I see where the ratings for President Bush are up. Not by much, but still better than rock bottom. I don’t doubt he’s doing better, but some of his new support may have come from confused football fans. When they answered the question, “do you approve of the job Bush is doing?”, they thought they were voting for Reggie Bush for the Heisman Trophy.

Last week I said it was cold here in Ohio. Well it’s gotten colder and the ground is still white. The big conference on Global Warming wrapped up in Montreal. Whether you’re for it or against it, you’ve got to admit that Canada in December was not a good choice for this meeting. President Clinton told the delegates that if we keep living the way we have been, the ice will melt and oceans will rise and their next meeting will have to be “held on a raft.” Now, mind you, at the time, the St. Lawrence River in front of the hotel was covered with ice, and not a raft in sight. Even the protesters had a rough time. Half of them went to the hospital suffering from frost bite.

Today was election day in Iraq. Tremendous turnout. The only ones that didn’t vote were the terrorists. They say it’ll take two weeks to count the ballots, which is a month quicker than Florida. You just watch, once that Parliament gets seated it won’t take long for the arguing and shouting and yelling to pick up, like in England’s Parliament. And the shooting will drop off for lack of interest.

In the social news from Claremore, Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood got married. They’ll sing each other to sleep every night out on the ranch, so you know this marriage will last.

If they had been one of these big Hollywood couples, the wedding would have been in the news for six months before and six months after. But for Claremore, the wedding was just an ordinary day. Only one article in the Claremore Progress, and the next day they moved on to important news like the “Share the Spirit” campaign to give folks in need a Christmas dinner basket.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“Claremore, Okla., best medium-priced town in America.” DT #661, Sept. 7, 1928

“This is Claremore, Okla., a town in physique but a city at heart.” DT 3272, Jan. 5, 1927

# 389, December 7, 2005

COLUMBUS: Headline in the newspaper this week: “Ohio Supreme Court suspends 2500 lawyers en masse”. That’s a lot of lawyers for the criminal element in one state to support, but really, it’s only about 5 percent of the total.

When the other 95 percent heard about the suspensions, their reaction en masse was, “Whew”. (That little joke may not read funny, but you’ll get the laugh if you drag your hand across your forehead in relief as you say it.)

These 2500 attorneys can get back in the good graces of the Supreme Court by paying $500. That’s all it takes.

Ohio collects almost $9,000,000 a year from their lawyers with annual registration fees, and a reporter asked what all this money goes for. They said half of it is to “discipline unethical lawyers” and most of the other half is used to “reimburse clients defrauded by their lawyers”.

Does that seem like a peculiar way to discipline a lawyer? A judge says to him, “You are hereby found guilty of ethics violations. Here’s a check for your share of the $9 million.”

There’s got to be a better way to spend it. If Ohio eliminated the unethical lawyers in the first place, that would save half. Just never let ’em in. And then you would naturally save the other half because there wouldn’t be any defrauded clients that need reimbursing.

Moving on to another subject, Global Warming. Have you noticed how cold it’s been this month. It was 10 above zero here this morning, and it’s cold all across our northern states. I got my own theory on this matter, but I haven’t run it by anyone yet. See, with this argument over replacing “Merry Christmas” with “Happy Holidays” or some such innocuous phrase, maybe the Lord decided to skip December and go straight to January.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

…“I knew cows better than I did lawyers. There is a way of studying a cow and learning all about her, but a lawyer? There has never been any course at college devised where you can take in ‘What Makes A Lawyer Like He Is?’” WA #482, March 20, 1932

…“3500 lawyers of the American Bar Association are here (in Los Angeles), they say, ‘to save the Constitution, to preserve State rights.’ What they ought to be here for, that would make this convention immortal, is to kick the crooks out of their profession. They should recommend a law that every case that went on trial, the lawyer defending should be tried first, then if he come clear, he was eligible to defend. As it is now they are trying the wrong man.” DT # 2789, July 14, 1935

# 388, December 1, 2005

COLUMBUS: Another Republican Congressman stepped down. Duke Cunningham admitted he took $2.5 million from defense contractors over the past few years, and he’ll turn over to the government almost $2 million he has left.

Now that shows you the difference. A Republican Congressman comes into a windfall, and he just naturally invests and saves a chunk of it. But for a Democrat, in a month it’s all spent, and nobody can find a trace of where it went or if it did any good.

This former Top Gun is left with nothing but spent shells. And he could get 10 years in federal prison, in addition to paying the fine.

For the government to collect $2 million from him may seem like a lot. But if they also stop payment on his Congressional pension, then you’re talking real money. Maybe they should forgo the prison sentence and make him live off Social Security. That would be punishment enough.

Counting Tom DeLay, the Republicans are 2 for 2. Poor Democrats are starting to grumble, “Hey, when can we get in on the graft?”

What these Congressmen are learning is if you want to get in on the really big time graft, Republican or Democrat don’t matter. What you want to be is a Lobbyist. That fellow Abramhoff took in over $100 million, and that was just from the Indians. Congress was shocked. They didn’t know the Indians even had hundred million.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“The Democrats are having a lot of fun exposing the Republican campaign corruptions, but they would have a lot more fun if they knew where they could lay their hands on some of it themselves for next November. The difference in corruption in the two parties was 7,000,000 votes last election, so the Democrats have got to investigate and find out how to improve their corruption.” DT #510, March 15, 1928.

# 387, November 22, 2005

COLUMBUS: President Bush may still be in Asia. He had to give up his idea of buying the Great Wall from China. Carl Rove reminded him that we are trillions of dollars in debt, mostly to China, and he would have to ask China for a loan to pay for it. Not likely China would want to pay for their own Wall.

Mr. Bush was going to fly directly from China to his Texas ranch for Thanksgiving. But he heard Cindy Sheehan would be there to greet him so he went to Mongolia instead.

Did you read where Mrs. Sheehan sent a letter to Barbara Bush, complaining about how she is raising her son? Now, how embarrassing is it when you’re a middle-aged man, President of the United States, and this lady sends a note to your mother? She wrote: “Little Georgie won’t go along with the other boys and girls. They want him he to take back the things he said 3 years ago and he absolutely refuses to give in to them. Mrs. Bush, I don’t know what you have been teaching him at home, but it’s got to stop!”

The Bush family will find a way to get together for the holiday turkey, but they may have to ride in on horseback from the back side of the ranch to do it.

The big oil companies made billions in profits. General Motors and Ford lost billions. Exxon may not want to share the wealth with the American taxpayer, but if these automobile companies stop building cars, who is going to buy their gas? Farmers want everybody to make their fuel from corn and soybeans, so where does that leave our oil men.

If the Pilgrims had known how this country would turn out do you think they would have stayed in England? Not a chance.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on Thanksgiving)

The following two pieces are from Will Rogers’ Sunday night radio broadcasts on April 7 and April 14, 1935.

“Now that brings us down to taxes. The big yell comes nowadays from the taxpayers, the big taxpayers. I bet you when the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock and they had the whole of the American continent for themselves, and all they had to do to get an extra hundred and sixty acres was shoot another Indian… Well, I bet you anything they kicked on the price of ammunition. I bet they said, “What’s this country coming to!” You know, what I mean… like we’re doing now. “What’s this country coming to! We have to spend a nickel for powder.”

Of course, they got the lead back after they dissected the Indian, but…”

(April 14, 1935)

“Well now, anyhow, another little announcement. On last Sabbath evening, I referred to the Pilgrims, our Pilgrims landing on Plymouth Rock. Well, boy, you ought to wait ’til I heard from New England. I split New England just wide open. It seems there’s a town up there called Provincetown, and they have adopted a slogan which says, “Don’t be misled by history or any other unreliable source. Here’s the place where the Pilgrims landed.” This is by unanimous vote of the Chamber of Commerce of Provincetown. Provincetown has been made the official landing place of the Pilgrim. Any Pilgrim landing in any other place was not official.

If he landed on Plymouth Rock, well, it just served him right, that’s all. It served him right. Nothing but a chicken should be named after ’em…, Plymouth Rock. That’s for the town people. You country people got that gag. That’s for the town folks. Plymouth Rock, not a White Leghorn. Country folks is smarter than city folks anyhow. You never have to explain a joke to country folks. Who but a chicken, or a seal, or a Pilgrim would land on a rock anyhow?

Now in the first place, I don’t think that this argument I have created up there is so terribly important. The argument that New England has got to settle in order to pacify the rest of America is, “Why were they allowed to land anywhere?” That’s what we want to know. As a race there has never been any comparison between the Pilgrim and an Indian. Now I hope my Cherokee blood is not making me prejudiced. I want to be broad minded, but I am sure that it was only the extreme generosity of the Indians that allowed the Pilgrims to land. Suppose we reversed the case. Do you reckon the Pilgrims would have ever let the Indians land? Yeah, what a chance! What a chance! The Pilgrims wouldn’t even allow the Indians to live, after the Indians went to the trouble of letting ’em land.

Well anyhow, the Provincetown officials sent me a lot of official data, that when the Pilgrims landed they found some corn that the Indians had stored and that the Pilgrims were about starved and that they eat the Indians’ corn. And they claim that the corn was stored at Provincetown. You see, the minute the Pilgrims landed they got full of the corn and then they shot the Indians; perhaps because they hadn’t stored more corn.”

But they’d always pray. That’s one thing about a Pilgrim, he would pray. Mostly for more Indian corn. You’ve never in your life seen a picture, I bet any one of you have never seen a picture of one of the old Pilgrims praying when he didn’t have a gun right by the side of him. That was to see that he got what he was praying for.“

# 386, November 18, 2005

COLUMBUS: President Bush’s approval ratings took another nose dive. He’s below 40 percent, and that’s just in Congress. It has gotten so precarious, he’s gonna have to follow Mr. Coolidge’s plan; the Senate was agin him so much that he stopped telling them where he stood, and after that they accidently voted his way about half the time.

Mr. Bush proposed spending $7 Billion on bird flu vaccine. Congress said, “No, we’ll hold off till it lands here and knocks off a few thousand. Then we’ll appropriate $100 Billion for the cure.”

The President is in Asia this week. He’s been in Korea, and is on his way to China. I figure while he’s there he’ll make an offer for the Great Wall. He wants to buy it and have it moved to our border with Mexico.

You might wonder, wouldn’t it be cheaper to just build a new wall? Well, yes, but only if we hired Mexico to construct it. And knowing Mexico, they would build it solid and secure. Except for the secret passages.

Kansas has changed the definition of science. They say it wasn’t evolution, but intelligent design that put us all here. Maybe so, but some of you might question the intelligence of any “designer” that would ever give us termites. And gophers and ground hogs. And, at least for this week, Wolverines. [Note: that little jab was aimed at the Michigan Wolverines. In the football game Nov. 19 they put up a valiant fight, but secumbed to a superior team from Ohio State.]

But Kansas may be on to something. Have you noticed we have been struck by an extraordinary number of tornados this month, and not a one of them hit Kansas. No hurricanes either.

Historical quotes from Will Rogers:

“These Chinese got humor, don’t kid yourself. I been looking at Walls and old Palaces today till I am groggy. The Forbidden City, that’s the way to attract attention to anything; call it Forbidden, and you couldent keep an American out of there with a meat Ax.” Saturday Evening Post, March 19, 1932

“I am now speeding across Kansas, that state that is sometimes noted for its broad and narrow ideas.” WA #76, May 25, 1924.

“(William Jennings Bryan) tries to prove that we did not descend from the monkey, but he unfortunately picked a time when the actions of our people prove that we did.” WA #40, Sept. 16, 1923

# 385, November 6, 2005

CLAREMORE, Oklahoma: Back in the home town for a birthday celebration, and I never saw it looking so prosperous. With six highways converging, including old Route 66, and four railroads crisscrossing, it’s no surprise Claremore is a growing metropolis.

With all those roads funneling folks to the center of town, while they’re sitting there in stuck traffic they just naturally look around while waiting for the tracks to clear or the light to turn green, often for the third or fourth time. Pretty soon they see something they like about the town and they never leave, even if the light is green.

The birthday festivity started Nov. 4 at the ranch at Oologah with the local 4^th graders singing beautifully and doing a fine western dance. Then some good old boys, and gals, from the Wild West Arts Club showed everybody how rope tricks are supposed to be done, followed by everybody eating birthday cake. They didn’t light any candles; it’s so hot and dry here126 candles would’ve been a major fire hazard.

After noon the whole party moved to Claremore where the ladies of the Pocahontas Club put on a magnificent memorial tribute, just like they have done for nigh on to 70 years.

[ For photos on the official Will Rogers Museum web site, click on: http://willrogers.com/wrdays_2005/wrap_2005/wrap_2005.html ]

Saturday they put on a big parade in Claremore and Roy Clark came over from Tulsa to be the Parade Marshal. Did I mention, the Rotary Club on Friday night gave him the Will Rogers Communicator Award. Even Garth Brooks was there to help honor the co-star of Hee Haw.

Before I forget, I got to tell you the fall colors at the ranch and all around Lake Oologah are glorious. You folks in New England don’t have anything on Oklahoma this year when it comes to foliage. And the weather. It’s been sunny and 80 degrees all week, regular Chamber of Commerce weather. If it stays like this till Christmas the snow birds heading south will stop here for the winter and forget about South Padre Island and Corpus Christi.

I flew into Tulsa Thursday on Southwest and rented a car from National. Now Tulsa is one town that has figured out how to live in luxury without taxing their own populace. They only charge taxes on those that visit, not the ones that live there. See, when you fly into town naturally you have to rent a car to go anywhere, and they sock an extra 40 percent tax on the car. This idea of taxing the out-of-towners, to make ’em feel welcome I guess, is not unique to Tulsa.

But when you’re up in that 40 or 50 or 60 percent range, you’re setting a standard that’s hard for any ordinary metropolis to match. Who knows, by next year they may set up toll gates at every entrance to the city, ask how much you’re carrying, and relieve you of 40% before you have the privilege of spending it.

Just north of here, Kansas decided that since their state is flat the rest of the world must be flat too. It sure can’t be round because no reasonably intelligent designer would create a world where if you walk to the opposite side you would fall off. So, from now on, Kansas kids can learn to read and write, but state law says to study science they have to cross the state line. Well, I bet it takes more than a Board of Education to stop those youngsters from picking up some common sense.

Historical quotes from Will Rogers:

“I was born on Nov. 4, which is [or was] election day… My birthday has made more men and sent more back to honest work than any other day in the year.” DT #296, July 4, 1927

“Back to the old home state… The State never looked better and politics never looked worse, which is as it should be.” DT #982, Sept. 18, 1929

America honors Rosa Parks

# 384, October 30, 2005

COLUMBUS: Hurricane Wilma swept across Florida last Monday, just where the forecasters said it would a week earlier when it was still headed the opposite direction. Then it kept on going north, close to the Atlantic coast. The Appalachian mountains got hit with snow, maybe the first time anybody got snow from a hurricane.

Florida is still trying to get the electricity back on, just like the folks in the mountains.

I read in the newspaper where the House passed a bill to stop shyster lawyers from filing frivolous lawsuits. Now can anybody ever think of a more sensible bill than this one, except maybe one to stop Congressmen from frivolous spending. But wouldn’t you know, the American Bar Association came out against it. Of course this ain’t the first time the ABA has opposed any attempt to clean up their profession. (See Historic quotes…)

According to the bill, any lawyer with three superficial lawsuits, if he’s caught, would be suspended for a year. It seems fair, except maybe the suspension should be longer. It’s hard to find a lawyer that wouldn’t rake in enough dough from three lawsuits to take a year off from work.

But you can’t blame the Bar for looking out for their members. I’m sure they totaled the expected number of these frivolous lawsuits, and divided it by the number of lawyers in the country, and since it came to more than 3 per lawyer, they don’t have a choice but to oppose it.

If it does get past the Senate, I suggest they include a proviso that no lawyer be allowed to serve his suspension in an election year. With all that excess time on their hands we would be overrun with candidates.

The Chicago White Sox took care of business in the World Series. They had 88 years to get ready for it, and Houston only had forty some, so naturally they were favored. When one side wins four games to none, you might think it was one-sided, but not this time. Every game was tight, and it usually came down to the last batter.

We’re waiting on the President to let us know his substitute choice for the Supreme Court. You know he won’t please everyone, but this time he’ll probably decide to favor the Republicans. At least he’s got our attention.

Everybody in Washington is talking about Lewis Libby getting indicted for lying. It’s big news there, but outside of Washington, folks care more about the price of gasoline. I filled the truck at $1.95 a gallon, quite an improvement from a month ago.

Rosa Parks passed away, and she received the high honor of lying in state in the Capitol Rotunda. She showed us that one ordinary person, with enough determination and grit, can change this country for the better. You don’t have to be a statesman or politician or a Supreme Court Justice to make a difference.

The Commerce Department announced our economy is booming. See, it takes more than hurricanes and Washington indictments to stop us from buying. And the secret of American success is the same today as it was eighty years ago: “Every official in the Government and every prominent manufacturer is forever bragging about our ‘high standard of living’. Why, we could always have lived this high if we had wanted to live on the instalment plan.” DT #106, Dec. 9, 1926

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“What would make this (American Bar Association) convention immortal, is to kick the crooks out of their profession. They should recommend a law that every case that went on trial, the lawyer defending should be tried first, then if he come clear, he was eligible to defend.” DT #2789, July 14, 1935

“Went down and spoke at the (ABA convention) last night. They didn’t think much of my little squib yesterday about driving the shysters out of their profession. They seemed to kinder doubt just who would have to leave.” DT #2791, July 16, 1935

“This is the heyday of the shyster lawyer, and they defend each other for half rates.” DT #1527, June 15, 1931

“Modern plumbing has about done away with Halloween fun.” DT #2571, Nov. 1, 1934

# 383, October 19, 2005

COLUMBUS: Another hurricane is headed our way. This one is called Wilma, or is it Wilda? If it’s a bad one, the Democrats are just gonna call it Hurricane W.

We’ve never had to use up a whole alphabet before on hurricanes, but the way the season is goin’ we may go through Xena, Yolanda, and maybe Zayda. They tell me if we run out of letters before we run out of storms, they’ll send over to Greece for more names.

The All American Quarter Horse Congress is still going strong here. Tonight I got to see the 2-year old Snaffle Bit Western Pleasure, Limited Division competition. They must have started with at least 60 or 70 horses, with the riders showing off their various gaits, and wouldn’t you know, when they narrowed the field down to the top ten they were from all over the country, and the winner was from Oklahoma. I watched some barrel racing in another arena, but I didn’t stay to find out who won.

Speaking of competition, they had a Queen contest, with all the states sending their best and talented and prettiest young lady, and the winner is from Georgia, Ashley Herrman. Michigan had the next best one. These Queens aren’t just pretty faces; they know their horses and they are good riders.

Sunday they put on a big western fashion show, and all the queen candidates were the models. These fancy New York fashion shows don’t have anything over this one. One outfit was said to total $17,000, and I don’t doubt it. Some of the hats were priced at $1000.

I read where the horse industry of this country says they contribute almost $40 Billion to the US economy. And when they count what they call “indirect and induced spending”, it brings the total up to $100 Billion. The report doesn’t say, but a big share of that induced spending is probably dropped at the race track.

We’ve got 9 million horses, so that works out to around $10,000 per horse. There’s 2 million people that own the horses. And that means each owner, if my arithmetic is right, has 4.5 horses, and directly or indirectly contributes $45,000 to $50,000 to the American economy. When you look around the grounds here, and see all the fancy horse trailers, and the big pickups it takes to pull ’em, it ain’t hard to figure out where the $50,000 is going. The real question is: Where is it coming from?

That $10,000 per horse…, can you imagine a 100, or 125, years ago how long it would take a good horse to earn that kind of dough?

It’s a great industry, and if we could get some of our other pleasurable pursuits to contribute $100 Billion we would get out of this hole we’ve dug ourselves into.

The World Series is set to start Saturday. Houston has never even been there, and for the Chicago White Sox it’s been so long since they won a Series, they can’t remember if you play 5 games or 7. It’ll be a fine Series, if you like good pitching.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on Horses)

“If everybody (traded his car for a horse) they would be out of debt in a couple of years. Just think, no gas, no tires, no roads to pay for.” DT #2043, Feb. 20, 1933

“There will never be a time when the old horse is not superior to any auto ever made.” WA #507, Sept. 11, 1932

“Horses raise what the farmer eats, and eat what the farmer raises… You don’t have to pay some finance company 10 or 15 per cent to own a horse.” DT #1967, Nov. 23, 1932

“Horsemanship through the history of all nations has been considered one of the highest accomplishments.” DT #2391, April 2, 1934

# 382, October 12, 2005

COLUMBUS: This is Columbus Day. Most of you thought it was two days ago, and took Monday off. But if you think about it, on October 10, 1492, Captain Columbus was pretty much lost as sea, and if he had any suspicion he was near dry land, he figured it was around Bombay or Calcutta.

I’ve been promising a plan for New Orleans, and tonight, with some help from a former Louisianian, I’ll unveil the Rogers Plan. The Engineers got the last of the water pumped out, and the President flew into town and ate supper and slept in the French Quarter. Of course, years ago he used to visit the French Quarter, but that was before he met Laura, and eating and sleeping were not exactly at the top of his “to do” list on those visits.

Well, since President Bush did not announce any rebuilding plans for the city, except for a promise to borrow an extra $200 Billion and give it to ’em, it leaves the way open for me and my friend Gerald, who I kinda introduced to you in a previous article (Sept. 14). You remember it was his parents and uncles who were in the middle of the 1927 flood. Here’s some of what Gerald wrote to me:

“Farmers, tenant and otherwise, all showed up with their mules and scoops. They made pennies a day for hauling dirt up onto the levee they built at what is now the famous Atchafalaya Basin. That levee and others bordered the spillways that were built to prevent the Mississippi from doing that to them again. All they had was mules and scoops and sweat. Levees sink, you know, and some times the need to raise them arises if you want to keep an area safe. Lafayette and the area known as Acadianna are protected by that levee built by my uncles but that levee was raised several years ago.”

I’ll get back to that, and how it can work in New Orleans today, but first Gerald wants to give you a hint on a root cause of the problem: “The Texans came with their drilling rigs and dug straight-line canals all over the marshes which led to salt water intrusion and coastal erosion.

They have sucked gas and oil out from under New Orleans for 30 or 40 years: would that cause it to sink? The Outer Continental Shelf has 4000 oil installations drilled on it and the oil comes ashore through Louisiana but it is not taxable by Louisiana. Texas took care of that years ago.”

On with the Rogers (and Gerald) Plan for a higher, dryer New Orleans. Everybody knows by now that a big part of New Orleans is below sea level. Some of it, like the French Quarter and the Garden District is fairly high, and the rest of the city fluctuates in elevation, as any good surveyor can tell you, between low and lower.

Now here is the key to my Plan. You take all the area that’s below sea level, and divide it roughly in half. Let’s say for discussion purposes that whole flooded area is 2000 acres. The half that’s the lowest (deepest) will be dug out even deeper, maybe 10 to 20 feet deeper than it is now, and let it fill with water. And you use the fill dirt you took from that half to build up the other half, so where now you have 2000 acres that’s likely to flood every now and again, after we move all that dirt, you’ll have a beautiful1000 acre lake, and 1000 acres of dry land, ready to build on. Of course, we’ll use some of that fill material to raise and strengthen the levees.

The secret to this whole Rogers Plan, and how we can do it for a fraction of $200 Billion, is to hire all those unemployed men and women that want to return to New Orleans, give ’em a mule and a scoop, and put ’em to work, just like those farmers in 1927. If you’ve ever been to New Orleans you know they have a lot of mules, and they’re all pulling carriages filled with tourists. That’s kind of a waste of valuable horsepower, but at least it has kept them in good physical shape. (The mules, not the tourists.) Any shortage of mules can be filled by going up to Tennessee or Missouri and buy a few thousand at auction. For scoops, well, we’ll ask Mr. Ford to shut off production at one of his SUV factories for a week (nobody is buying ’em anyway), and build scoops. It’ll keep the auto workers occupied, and make ’em feel like they are contributing to a good cause.

There you have the ingredients of the Rogers Plan: a New Orleans worker, a Louisiana/Tennessee/Missouri mule and a Ford scoop. Let’s see Bush and the Army Engineers top that one.

I’ll close with another thought from Gerald: “I hope this gives you a little insight about why some of us from Louisiana feel that a more liberal (generous) Washington, while not preventing the storm, could have at least avoided some of the grief from the flood.”

Next week I’ll get back to earthquakes, mudslides, floods, fires and bird flu and other everyday catastrophes. And I’ll tell you about the big All-American Quarter Horse Congress going on here in Columbus. Some folks call it a Cowtown, but this month Columbus is practically owned by Horses.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“Why there is dozens of great humanitarian things that could be done at a very little cost, if the tax was properly applied. It’s the waste in government that gets everybody’s goat.” WA # 622, Nov. 25, 1934

[Randall Reeder presents talks as Will Rogers. Whether you think of him as a “Will Rogers impersonator”, “Will Rogers impressionist”, or “Will Rogers speaker” does not matter.  What you get is authentic Will Rogers, with a bonus of a little current day Will Rogers style commentary. For information on available dates, call him at 614-477-0439.]