Category: Uncategorized

# 331, August 15, 2004

COLUMBUS: It’s a pleasure to be able to write to you today. You’ll know I mean that in all honesty when I remind you of the significance of August 15. See, it was on this date in 1935 that Will Rogers and world renowned pilot Wiley Post died when Wiley’s plane crashed at Point Barrow, Alaska.

The Ohio State Fair ended today, and for some of us old timers a Fair can be just as exhausting as a presidential campaign, even if it only lasts 12 days. August has been mighty cool, more like late September. Good for a fair, but not so great for growing corn.

Young folks from 4-H, FFA and other fine organizations were showcasing their livestock and various skills. I sponsored the 4-H Rope competition. If you think about it, this seems like a natural thing to do. Then I found out it was mainly about knots, not lassoing. But we had a lot of fun and got a bunch of these kids up front with lassos performing flat loops for the crowds.

My friend Gery Deer put on a kind of impromptu “Wild West Whip Show” one afternoon and drew a bigger crowd, more laughs and more applause than some of the regular performers. Mr. Busch’s Clydesdales were here and those horses drew more attention than any automobile on the grounds.

[If you’re interested, go to www.4hengineering.osu.edu and click on Pictures]

Florida got pounded by Bonnie and Charley. Folks down there at Punta Gorda need all the help you can spare. I do have one suggestion for them: if you live along one of these hurricane beaches in a light trailer, it might be wise to leave the wheels on the trailer for a quick get away.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on Florida hurricanes, plus)

“Let’s lay off politics today and get down to something necessary and worth while. I don’t think we are taking enough interest in this Florida relief as we should. Florida is in real need. The Red Cross needs much greater funds than have been sent.
I know giving to campaign funds this year when the competition is so keen has about got everybody broke, but I think Florida is worth more to us than trying to get the post offices for the next four years.” DT #672, Sept. 20, 1928

“Take your campaign contribution and send it to the Red Cross, and let the election be decided on its merits.” DT #673
[Note: A hurricane struck Florida Sept. 16, 1928, and killed 1500 and left 15,000 homeless. Two years earlier a hurricane killed 372 in Florida and Will wrote about it and helped raise $30,000 for the relief effort.]

“When I die, my epitaph, or whatever you call those signs on gravestones, is going to read ‘I joked about every prominent man of my time, but I never met a man I didn’t like.’ I’m so proud of that I can hardly wait to die so it can be carved. And when you come around my grave you’ll probably find me sitting there proudly reading it.” June 16, 1930, comments at Tremont Baptist Church, in Boston, Mass.

# 330, August 3, 2004

OTTAWA, Ont.: Four days removed from even a hint of Presidential campaigning is tremendously refreshing. For a national capital, this place has been mighty calm.

I figure they got the right idea in Canada, or at least the right timing. This wonderful city gets so cold in winter, they don’t want to waste any of their precious few summer days debating politics. They save those heated arguments for winter. Even if you disagree totally, the excess heat generated by the opposition is much appreciated when it’s 40 below.

I did read in the local paper, “The Globe and Mail”, about a mild discussion (not yet lukewarm), they are having on what to do with appointees of a defeated party. When Jean Cretian got knocked out as Prime Minister, it seems he paid out $2,000,000 to get a bunch of them to leave. The opposition says this is excessive, even in Canadian dollars. Others suspect the severance is getting so high the appointees are voting against their own party, just for the chance to collect.

I got to meet one of the new boys in the government, Wayne Easter. He is kinda like our Secretary of Agriculture, and is a bonefide old time farmer. He and I were both here at a big international convention of agricultural and biological engineers; he is here as the main speaker, and I’m here with the understanding that my speaking is mainly limited to quiet conversation.

Mr. Easter reminded the engineers from south of the border that trade with Canada is worth more than $350 Billion a year, and it is a shame to let one old Holstein milk cow that slipped across with BSE put a damper on all that trade. The ranchers can’t sell their cattle, so they are about ready to drive millions of ’em across the border into North Dakota and Montana. The argument is really with Japan, but that’s too far to drive ’em. Twenty years ago Wendy’s asked, “Where’s the beef?” Today, it’s in Canada.

Here’s the most surprising statistic. When I was kidding about going to Canada to escape the campaign in Ohio, Mr. Easter said, “That’s strange, in your Presidential election years we get fewer American tourists, not more.” I am still pondering on that peculiar bit of news. Maybe Canada is too close, so instead they escape to Europe.

Historical quotes from Will Rogers:

“OTTAWA, Ont.: Arrived Canada capital today. More sentiment here to be annexed by Mexico than by America. They know us too well. If we get any nation to join us it will have to be some stranger. We only have one reason for wanting Canada, and a modification of the Volstead Act [Prohibition] will eliminate it.” DT #49, Oct. 11, 1926

“Canada has a big Congress of some kind at Ottawa, and for a family that is kin [to us] why they get along pretty well. They all agreed to buy from each other, and they will till somebody comes along and sells cheaper. But they are mighty patriotic, that English empire, and when the real show-down comes they will stick together…
Canada is a mighty good neighbor and a mighty good customer. That’s a combination that is hard to beat.” WA #505, August 28, 1932

# 329, July 30, 2004

COLUMBUS: Like most of you this week, I’ve been watching television. One night, in the same time slot, we saw Last Comic Standing, Extreme Makeover and the Democratic National Convention.

It was confusing. When Dennis Kucinich left the stage I swear I saw a phone number where you could vote to bring him back next week. When a commentator marveled at Mrs. Heinz-Kerry’s appearance at age 65, I was thankful they skipped the part where they show the crayon marks on the face and the bandages.

All the signs said it was the Democratic National Convention, but I hardly recognized it. No fights over the platform. No arguments over seating the delegates. No hissing the speakers.

Even Senator Lieberman saw the transformation, and quoted “me” on television to prove it, “The Democrat Party of this convention sure is not the one Will Rogers joked about when he said ‘I’m not a member of any organized political party… I’m a Democrat.'”

Mr. Kerry and Mr. Edwards both made fine speeches. They were speeches aimed at persuading the undecided American voter, all 17 of them. They are already counting on the votes of the 5000 delegates in the hall, and most of the 15,000 journalists.

Speaking of make overs, tonight I heard where you can get liposuction on the installment plan. Kinda like buying a new car, the doctor removes the fat, and you pay him over the next 36 months, plus interest about 12 percent above Mr. Greenspan’s rate.

I wonder how many renege on the deal, and stop payment on the loan? How would you like to be the repo guy? And just how would that work? I suppose they would have to haul around a wash tub filled with excess flesh, and if you don’t pay up, they pump it back in.

It’s a great business for the plastic surgeons because by the time the payments run out you’ll likely have gained it all back and you’ll want it drawn off again.

Kerry and Bush are coming to Ohio tomorrow, so I’m heading for Canada. They’ll both set up a permanent camp here, leaving only for short day trips to Michigan, Pennsylvania and West Virginia, with an occasional weekend in Florida. By November, you folks in the quiet, peaceful, uncontested states are going to owe Ohio. Big time.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: Democratic Convention, 1932

“No convention today. The Democrats met, talked, agreed and adjourned. So the day was a total loss. The convention officially opens tomorrow.

It wasn’t even a rehearsal today. Nobody fought, nobody even split the party.

Well, if you ever saw a disgusted bunch of people leaving a hall, it was all of us today.

Here people had traveled hundreds of miles, joined delegations, some come as spectators and paid fancy prices to see what? To see 1,100 delegates sit there and act like a lot of Republicans.

Why, there wasn’t an argument in a carload.

Cheered everything; hissed nothing, why it made me almost ashamed I was a Democrat! Here we have written about it, advertised it as a combat, a gigantic struggle of candidates, and conflicting platforms, and then everybody goes out kissing each other.” Convention Articles, June 27, 1932

“They was Democrats today, and we was all proud of ’em. They fought, they fit, they split, and adjourned in a dandy wave of dissension. That’s the old Democratic spirit. A whole day wasted and nothing done. I tell you they are getting back to normal.” Convention Articles, June 29, 1932

# 328, July 21, 2004

PHOENIX, Ariz.: It’s hot here. Now that won’t surprise most of you, but when the Chamber of Commerce admits it’s hot, you know it’s news. Even the Chamber knows it’s a just a tad short of sizzling, but they’ll remain optimistic as long as there’s enough electricity to run the air conditioners. And enough water. Lord knows where it’ll come from, but there’s millions of people living out here in a desert, full of faith the water will keep on showing up.

I’m here at a convention with fifteen hundred professional speakers. Wow, 1500 speakers. I know what you’re thinkin’… it must be a tremendously big meeting to bring in all those speech makers. Well, it is a tremendous meeting. But it’s all speakers. Nobody else. They have gathered here at the JW Marriott Desert Ridge Resort and Spa, in this 110 degree Arizona heat, to listen and learn from each other.

This National Speakers Association favors hot air. Kinda like the Phoenix Chamber, they thrive on hot air. Every July they pick out a hot spot for a convention. Now, if you ask any speaker, “where’s your favorite location to speak in the middle of summer?”, you’ll hear places like Vail, The Greenbrier, Banff and Buffalo. (Actually Niagara Falls, but Buffalo is funnier, and has the same climate.) But when speakers decide among themselves where to congregate in July, it’s Dallas, New Orleans, San Antonio and Phoenix. Next year it’s Atlanta, and as one speaker hinted, in 2006 they’re planning to convene in a temporary tent in Death Valley.

With all that heat outdoors, every platform speaker knows they have a captive audience. Even the pools are too hot for a swim.

Even without the heat, nobody would walk out on these great speakers. Larry Winget said the most important thing is to “Be yourself”, and know it’s your Style that distinguishes you from all the other speakers. Seth Godin told us to be remarkable, so our ideas get noticed and spread.

NSA President Mark Sanborn summed up with three points on Love: Love what you do. Love who you do it with. Love who you do it for. That reminded me of something “I” said in a speech in 1935… According to the founder of NSA, Cavett Robert, here is what I said in that speech to the American Bar Association in Los Angeles: “If you want to be successful, it’s this simple: Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing.”

Well, I used up so much space gabbing about speakers, hardly any left for news. Alan Greenspan decided maybe we should pay some interest on the dough we borrow. Here lately it has been pretty much free… now it’ll cost us a percent and a quarter. Martha Stewart got sentenced 5 months in Federal Prison and 5 months house arrest. I’ve got a house to suggest for the house arrest… mine. It could use a little fixin’ up. For various and necessary purchases she would have to use her own money. (That would be the only sensible part of the entire sentence.)

Have you seen that security video footage on television? Terrifying. It looked so easy to get past the guards with prohibited items. But how can you fault the guards? Just doing their jobs. And if you can’t trust Sandy Berger, who can you trust.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“I would rather have Arizona’s record as a state than New York with her numbers, Massachusetts with her intellect, or California with her modesty. Arizona prolongs the life of the afflicted as well as makes perpetual the lives of the well.” DT #2158, July 4, 1933

# 327, July 10, 2004

SPRINGFIELD, Ohio:  Well, just like in 1924, my “campaign” for the V-P slot got off the ground too late. When a spell-binding orator has been running for Vice President since February, that’s too many promises for an amateur to overcome in a few hours.

Mr. Kerry seems quite pleased with his choice of John Edwards. His speeches remind a lot of folks of William Jennings Bryan, the “Great Commoner”. You can discount about three-fourths of what the Republicans are saying about him. They weren’t too keen on Bryan either.

The selection gives us an inkling of what a President Kerry would do if bin Laden attacked us again. Nobody has asked him this question, but I know his answer… He would immediately send Vice President Edwards to the World Court, and sue bin Laden for a trillion dollars. I wouldn’t bet against him winning either, because he gets to keep a third. But don’t complain; we get to divvy up the other two-thirds, after deducting expenses, so we would each clear about $12.50.

The new report from Congress says the CIA got it wrong in Iraq when they claimed Saddam Hussein had Weapons of Mass Destruction. But this Congressional report was not absolutely honest either. They said “Saddam didn’t have any WMD.” What it should have said is “he didn’t have any WMD left.” See, when you use up all of your poison gas on the Kurds, Saddam figured that solved two problems.

Today I’m in Springfield, at the old high school where Jonathan Winters learned comedy by practicing on the teachers. They had another famous graduate, James Rhodes, but he took his comedy to Columbus instead of Hollywood and got elected Governor four times.

I’m here today to help this county select their top 4-H members to compete at the State Fair. They’ve got some dandies… bright, prepared, and they’re such good speakers at 10 or 12 years old, why in a few years they could rank up there with Edwards and Bryan.

Now you might think a town that produced a Governor and a comedian would have a hard time topping those feats. But Springfield did. See, in 1902 a man named A. B. Graham invented a new organization for young folks, and he called it 4-H. So the next time you hear something good about what a fine 4-H boy or girl did in your community, you’ll know the club got its start in Springfield, Ohio.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Well a state wouldn’t be a state unless it had a Springfield. Springfields are as numerous now as Hollywoods will be in the next generation. But Ohio has the original Springfield. It sure is a dandy little city. I caught it at its worst, when it was putting on a Booster Week. People in a town during a “booster” week can’t hardly wait till the following Monday to start in knocking the town again.” WA #151, Nov. 1, 1925

The “Historic Quote” section of this Weekly Comments will appeal to those of you intensely following the anticipated news about Senator Kerry’s choice for vice-president. For the other 90 percent, it will provide some light humor as a suitable ending to your July 4^th holiday.

Weekly Comments: Will Sen. Kerry pick Will Rogers as V-P?

# 326, July 5, 2004

WESTON, West Va.: Senator Kerry played baseball on Iowa’s “Field of Dreams” this weekend. President Bush was speaking just a few miles down I-79 from here in Charleston.

Now, that would appear perfectly logical for Mr. Kerry; he has a Dream, and it involves being the #1 pitcher in Washington for the next four years. For Mr. Bush you may wonder, why is he campaigning in West Virginia when it’s states like Ohio where he needs votes. Well, it’s a holiday weekend, and half of Ohio is back home in West Virginia, so that’s where you go to reach ’em. The other half is in Kentucky and pretty much out of reach of any politicians, except those offering free samples of Jim Beam.

They say Mr. Kerry is naming his vice president this week. He has a long list of fine candidates… Sen. Edwards, Gen. Clark, Dick Gephardt, Sam Nunn, Sen. Biden, Gov. Graham, Sen. Clinton, even John McCain. I had not intended to spring this announcement till the convention in Boston, but he has forced my hand tonight.

Not one of those candidates can claim to live in three states: Oklahoma, California, and New York. I can say with confidence, a Democratic ticket with Will Rogers on it can carry two out of those three states. Of course a ticket with any other man might sweep all three.

When you hear his announcement, after reading this column, most of you will say, “He could have had somebody better.” Even without reading this column, you’ll likely say the same thing.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: the 1924 Democratic Convention in New York City

[this is the famous convention that required sixteen days, and 101 ballots, to nominate John W. Davis of West Virginia to run against Calvin Coolidge. VP nominee was Charles Bryan, brother of William Jennings Bryan.]

WILL ROGERS COMES OUT FOR VICE PRESIDENT; CLAIMS ALL QUALIFICATIONS EXCEPT DRESS SUIT

June 26, 1924, Article #4, New York Times

The following is one of the bravest statements made in a political decade:

In the entire three years of preparation by the Democratic Party to groom some man for this present crisis there has never been a mention of a man to run for Vice President….

So I just got off and held a caucus with myself and said somebody has got to be sacrificed for the sake of party harmony. I hereby and hereon put myself in nomination, and to save some other man being humiliated by having to put me in nomination, why, I will just nominate myself.

So I, Will Rogers, of Claremore, Oklahoma; Hollywood, California; and 42nd St. and Broadway, New York, do hereby step right out and declare myself, not only as a receptive but an anxious candidate for the husband’s position (meaning second) on the forthcoming Democratic ticket.

On first hearing this it may sound like a joke, but when I relate to you some of the qualifications which I possess, why, I think any fair-minded man will give me serious consideration.

But the trouble is there are not any fair-minded men in politics.

In the first place, they have got to nominate a farmer who understands the farmers’ condition. Well, I got two farms in Oklahoma, both mortgaged, so no man knows their condition better than I do.

He has also to be a man from the West. Well, if a man came from 25 feet further West than I lived last year, he would have to be a fish in the Pacific Ocean.

(Charles) Dawes was nominated on the Republican ticket on account of his profanity. Now I have never tried cussin’ in public, but I guess I could learn to get used to it before a crowd.

Another big reason why I should be nominated is I am not a Democrat.

Another still bigger reason why I should be nominated is I am not a Republican.

I am just progressive enough to suit the dissatisfied. And lazy enough to be a Stand Patter.

Oil has never touched me. The reason I know it never has is, I drilled a well on my farm in Oklahoma, and I never even touched it, much less oil touching me.

I never worked for a big corporation.

When the President can’t go anywhere, why, the Vice President has to go and speak or eat for him. Now, I could take in all the dinners, for I am a fair eater.

I could say, “I am sorry the President can’t come, but he had pressing business.” Of course, I wouldn’t tell the reason why he didn’t come, so I am just good enough a liar to be a good Vice President.

I am not much of an after-dinner speaker, but I could learn two stories, one for dinners where ladies were present, and one for where they were not.

Of course I have no dress suit [tuxedo]. The Government would have to furnish me a dress suit. If I went to a dinner in a rented one, they would mistake me for a Congressman.

I know I can hear a lot of you all say, “Yes, Will, you would make a good Vice President, but suppose something happened to the President?”

Well, I would do just like Mr. Coolidge. I would go in there and keep still and say nothing. He is the first President to discover that what the American people want is to be let alone.

P.S. I was born in a Log Cabin.

(This is from the book, “Convention Articles of Will Rogers”, available from the Will Rogers Museum: www.willrogers.com, then click on Gift Shop.)

Special edition: Iraq and Will Rogers’ “Peace Conference”

# 325, June 29, 2004

COLUMBUS: Exactly 85 years ago today (June 29, 1919) “my” first book was published, by Harper & Brothers: “The Cowboy Philosopher on the Peace Conference”.

It was a small book by 2004 standards, when 900 pages is considered light reading. Only 42 pages, and with overall dimensions that would let it fit in your back pocket. On the front cover I said, “I made this book short so you could finish it before the next war.” Don’t you think that’s still good advice for an author?

Those Iraqi terrorists released the three Turks yesterday. I kinda predicted it in Saturday’s Weekly Comments. Those radicals may be meaner than Hitler, but they aren’t ignorant. I say since we turned Iraq over to the Iraqis, let’s give Fallujah over to Turkey. They would have it cleaned up in a week, and ready to rejoin the civilized world.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: The Cowboy Philosopher on the Peace Conference (1919). (compiled from jokes told during the big war (WWI), and right after it when the same nations were fighting over peace)

THERE is no particular reason why I should horn in on you Public with a Book, but that’s just when they seem to write them, when there’s no need or reason for them… All my friends advised me to, “Go ahead Will, and write it ’cause you won’t annoy people with it like these other Writers do with theirs, Nobody will read yours.”

I was going to write a Book on the War, But I heard some fellow had already done it. In fact I figure that the fellow who don’t write on the war will be a novelty… Then the War was too serious a subject, I could not write on it, but the Peace Feast, that seemed to offer a better field for Humor, provided you stick to the facts. I have some inside facts procured from the most reliable source… Here’s how I got it: There is a fellow I know, Who had a friend, And this friend’s Sister had a sweetheart and he was a Soldier in France and his cousin’s pal was a Bunkie of Col. House’s Chouffer. The Col. told his Chouffer. So you see, my information comes from the same place President Wilson’s does.

Of course this whole Peace Conference talk started from the time Pres Wilson said to Germany, “We won’t deal with you as long as you occupy invaded Territory.” Well the Kaiser come right back at him and said, “If you can show us how we can give it up any faster than we are, I wish you would do it.”

The Kaiser was on the verge at one time of visiting the Western Front, then he said, “No, I will just wait a few days till it comes to me.”

At that time everybody wondered what to do with the Kaiser. I thought he should have been brought to this Country and made to clean the streets.

Germany couldent figure out how America could get troops over there and get them trained so quick. They dident know that in our manual there is nothing about RETREATING, and when you only got to teach an Army to go one way, you can do it in half the time. I feel pretty proud over that last little gag, as I used it before Pres Wilson in Washington and he repeated it in his Boston speech, Saying “As one of our AMERICAN HUMORISTS says…” Up to then I had only been an ordinary Rope thrower. Pretty tough when the President cops your act.

Says in there, “There is to be no more wars”, and then there was a paragraph a little further down told you where to get your AMMUNITION in case there was one.

England and Japan had a secret Treaty where England was to get everything south of the equator and Japan everything North. Guess they were going to leave the equator for Ireland. Japan wanted to put in the contract that she was as good as anybody else. If she admitted it why put it in. If a man is a Gentleman he don’t have a sign on him telling it. Tell Japan we will recognize them as soon as they recognize China.

Peace Table is turning out like all Banquets, the speeches are too long.

They agreed that America went in for Nothing and expects Nothing. They are all UNANIMOUS WE GET IT.

Pres Wilson threatened he would start the war over again. Be terrible if they found out this war was fixed and they had to fight it over again.

They can’t let the Russians in this League of Nations or they would make a Bush League out of it. Best time to have formed this League of Nations was during the war when all these Nations needed each other.

Everybody is for something to prevent War, but they are afraid it is like Prohibition. It don’t prohibit.

If Pres Wilson had any doubts about this League of Nations being put through, he should have taken some of these Prohibitionists. They would have shown him how to get it through, whether people wanted it or not.

League of Nations is just as clear as the Income Tax forms.

One thing we got to be thankful for: our Soldiers can win wars faster than our Diplomats can talk us into them.

If they ever have another war let’s have it understood before they start what each Nation wants at the finish.

All those Nations claim they were fighting for freedom. But of course a little more land would make a little more Freedom.

France says they would have more confidence in this League if they would slip a couple of Nations in between them and Germany.

I WONDER IF WE QUIT FIGHTING TOO QUICK AND DIDENT SIGN PEACE QUICK ENOUGH.

Don’t get impatient. It has been just this hard at the end of every war to try and prevent another one.

See where Pres Wilson and England compromised on Freedom of the Seas. England got it.

Italy left the Conference and got what she wanted, Japan threatened to leave and got what she wanted. If Pres Wilson had left, some Republican Senators would have gotten what they wanted.

Well they finally handed Germany the Peace terms: 80 thousand words. HAD TO BE THAT LONG TO TELL THE GERMANS WHAT THEY THOUGHT OF THEM.

Could have settled the whole thing in one sentence, “IF YOU BIRDS START ANYTHING AGAIN WE WILL GIVE YOU THE OTHER BARREL.”

Russia can’t get in on this Peace. There is not enough Paper in the World to print 80 thousand Russian words on.

I thought the Armistice terms read like a second Mortgage. But this reads like a FORECLOSURE. If Germany ever wants to go to war again she will have to fight with BEER STEINS.

Now Folks with all this kidding and foolishness aside, I just say in here whatever I think anybody might laugh at. But of course my real sentiments are the same as everybody else, anything to prevent war… So all Credit to Pres Wilson. It took some game Guy to go through with it.

END

 

# 324, June 26, 2004

COLUMBUS: I’ll keep this short. I know a lot of you folks are speed readers, but there IS a limit. After 957 pages from President Clinton, you’ll do well to have any mind left to look over even half a page from this weekly Illiterate Digest.

My wife bought me a copy of “My Life”, said it was for my birthday. I’m a slow reader when it comes to books (remember it took me “ten years to get through McGuffey’s Fourth Reader“), and I ain’t sure I got enough birthdays left to read it all.

So I did what we all do with an impossible reading assignment, start with the pictures. There must be a hundred and fifty pictures.

But not the one I was looking for.

Now mind you, they’re good pictures, important and historic pictures. But he could have cut out five hundred pages, added one picture, and sold ten million more books. To Republicans.

But now they’ll just wait and buy the memoirs of Jack Ryan, the “almost” Republican Senator from Illinois. If he includes pictures.
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Randall Reeder gives humorous talks as Will Rogers. It is an entertaining look at what life offers, and also reminds people of what really matters.
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Those terrorists in Iraq are threatening to kill three Turks. That radical cleric, Al-Zarquary has been feeling mighty big lately, picking on unarmed, innocent civilians from different countries. But when he irks the Turks, if he knows his history, he’s going to learn the difference between war and WAR. But if he let’s those fellows go, with a new suit of clothes, a fine meal and a sincere apology, Turkey might let him live till July.

Our television news channels made a discovery this week of historic proportions. To hear them report it, this was the first time anyone ever swore at a Senator. Now if one of those news hounds had asked any Senator up there, he would have learned they get swore at by people a lot more important to ’em than a Vice-President. By Voters.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on Memoirs, and war)

“Memoirs: That’s another Cherokee word, means when you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do, that’s Memoirs.” Saturday Evening Post, March 12, 1932

“There ain’t nothing that breaks up homes, country and nations like somebody publishing their memoirs.” DT #2615, Dec. 23, 1934

“I never saw it fail. When a man starts selling his memoirs he is about through.” Life Magazine, November 23, 1922 (also in “How to be Funny”)

“Well, next week we ought to have some wars to talk on. Turkey has been laying off two weeks now.” WA #5, Jan. 14, 1923

“War is just like Golf. Once a fellow takes it up he won’t let nothing interfere with it.” WA #152, Nov. 8, 1925

# 323, June 16, 2004

COLUMBUS: I returned to Ohio to escape the rain, but the joke’s on me. With seven inches in five days, cicadas and lightening bugs are taking swimming lessons from the mosquitos.

John Kerry and the Democrats are looking around for a Vice-Presidential candidate. They say they want a person who knows all about foreign affairs and intelligence in the Middle East. I hope they find one, the Republicans sure haven’t. If they find one, I say let him serve, no matter which fellow gets elected President.

I promised to tell you about my week in West Virginia. First, the Weston Rotary asked me to have lunch with them. They had already heard every available local speaker twice so they brought in an outsider. Rotary is getting set for the 100^th year of that fine service organization. The first club was started in Chicago by a lawyer named Paul Harris in 1905. A second club was formed in San Francisco in 1908, showing you it took California just 3 years to get the news, and they’ve been trying to catch up ever since. It spread around the world like a wild fire, and in 1989 they let women in. Their theme, one of them, is “Service above Self”, and nobody ever put service above self more than women.

Every year the folks in Weston put on a Carp Festival. (I told you about it last year.) There’s a town in Michigan that has one, too, and they kinda compete in a fishing contest to see which state has the biggest carp. Well, up to now Michigan has always won, mainly because their Festival is later in the summer and, being fishermen, the last man talking always has the biggest fish. So I suggested that to fool Michigan, they subtract about 5 pounds when they announce the winner, and then when Michigan swallows the bait and announces their catch, which naturally will be 2 or 3 pounds bigger, then Weston can spring the joke on them, and show ’em the honest weight, certified and notarized.

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Randall Reeder gives humorous talks as Will Rogers. It is an entertaining look at what life offers, and also reminds people of what really matters.     614-292-6648
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After getting in the habit of speaking for my dinner, I was invited to a family get together Sunday at Wildcat, kind of a combination reunion and Decoration Day. They told me I was welcome to eat with them, but with one proviso… that I not give a speech. That was not too much to ask since they were serving all these great country dishes, including corn bread, home-canned pork and a favorite of mine, black cherry cobbler. These little blackheart sweet cherries are unmatched for making cobbler, and they’re getting hard to find because the trees are dying off.

After eating, those that could still walk climbed to the little cemetery on top of a hill. They had American flags for the eight servicemen, including a pair of brothers, side by side, who had served in the Civil War. Here’s the amazing thing… they fought on opposite sides. One person asked, “Can you imagine the heated discussions those fellows had at family gatherings after the War?”

Just before I left Wildcat, an old cow was having trouble giving birth, so the calf had to be pulled. Now, I was not personally involved in this procedure, but I am glad to report that both calf and cow are fine.

John Ashcroft announced this week the FBI arrested some Al-Qaida terrorists for planning to blow up a Columbus shopping center. It seems the plot was uncovered in November, but they didn’t tell us till now, giving the stores a few months to get rid of their stuff. They got rid of it alright, and they got most of our money in the deal, so the only ones in the mall today aren’t there to buy, just to walk in the dry.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

(One more quote related to the funeral for President Reagan…)

“What constitutes a life well spent? Love and admiration from your fellow men is all that any one can ask.” WA #139, August 9, 1925 (Writing about William Jennings Bryan after he died July 26.)

# 322, June 6, 2004

WILDCAT, West Va.: Our Nation, and half the world, came to a halt yesterday (June 5). Ronald Reagan died at 93, ten years after telling us he had Alzheimer’s disease.

We knew the day was coming, but you’re never really ready for sad news.

Along with the sadness, the old cowboy’s humor and laughter shine through. He loved to laugh and have us laugh along with him. Lord knows not everybody agreed with him, but you couldn’t help sharing a smile in admiration of his firm convictions.

You’ve already seen hours of television and millions of words written about him and his life, so I won’t attempt to contribute any more, except for two ideas: first, at the service in the Washington Cathedral, seated along with our former Presidents, I hope they reserve space for Mr. Mondale, Ted Kennedy, John Kerry and maybe a few others. President Bush could invite Sen. Kerry to sit beside him… wouldn’t that be a nice gesture. Second (and I know a bunch of you are going to jump me on this one), we need to let our scientists get on with this stem cell research. It’s up to you folks that sit in the back pews on Sunday, not our leaders, to turn the tide on this one. They’ve already picked a stance, either for or against, and they can’t budge till they see a change out in the land. Alzheimer’s, diabetes, spinal cord injuries and other afflictions just might be treated or cured or prevented if we give our crack scientists a chance to work on it a few years.

Mrs. Reagan can’t carry the fight by herself. Sure there’s arguments on the other side, good ones, but there’s plenty of good God-fearing scientists that can balance the value of millions of productive lives potentially extended with the research compared to the emotional issue of extra embryos. Suppose, for example, we had told Jonas Salk he couldn’t work on his vaccine for Polio because of where it came from. When it comes to these infirmities, it don’t matter how much you’ve got, or if your name is Reagan, Rockefeller, Roosevelt, Reeve, Rossetti, Rogers or Reeder.

Well, I didn’t even get to D-day, or the weather (it’s rained 7 out of the last 9 days here), or even why I’m at a place today (Sunday) called Wildcat. Mostly, it was a good week, and I’ll fill you in on it in a few days.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“if you have ever been an Actor why it just about ruins you for any useful employment for the rest of your natural life.” WA #305, Oct. 28, 1928

(Written after the death of President Warren G. Harding, in San Francisco Aug. 2, 1923)
“As I am writing this… everybody’s thoughts and sympathies are with a train rushing clear across our country, passing sorrowfully through little towns with just folks standing bareheaded paying their respects….
I liked President Harding. You see, I had met him, and I don’t believe any man could meet him and talk to him and not like him. Why, I said after first meeting him, “I thought I would be scared when they took me in but he made me feel just like talking to some good old prosperous ranchman out home.” That’s why I can understand him wanting to meet as many people personally as possible, for to meet him meant another friend.
I only hope our future presidents can be gifted with his sense of humor and justice.
He was a mighty good friend to us theatrical people; he was a good friend to ALL kinds of people. For he had the right dope after all. Everybody is JUST FOLKS. HE WAS A REAL HONEST-TO-GOD MAN.” WA #36, August 19, 1923

(after former Calvin Coolidge died…)
“Mr. Coolidge, you didn’t have to die for me to throw flowers on your grave. I have told a million jokes about you, but every one was based on some of your splendid qualities. You had a hold on the American people regardless of politics. They knew you were honest, economical and had a native common sense.
History generally records a place for a man that is ahead of his time. But we that lived with you will always remember you because you was WITH your time.
By golly, you little, red_headed New Englander, I like you. You put horse sense into statesmanship and Mrs. Coolidge’s admiration for you is an American trait.” DT #2004, Jan. 5, 1933