Category: Uncategorized

COLUMBUS: Southwest Airlines announced a plan to make passengers pay for all the space they occupy, in case they lap over into the adjoining seat. When I first heard it, I thought “My Lord, they are going back to 1927.”

You see, in those days the only scheduled planes were the ones carrying the U. S. mail. Since “I” was always in a hurry to get somewhere, the government let me fly on those planes if I paid by the pound, the same as the mail.

Now, I don’t blame Southwest for adopting this old policy. In fact they have always followed another rule from the mail planes: if you want a meal on the flight, pack a lunch.

Then I read the paper again, and they don’t say anything about weight, only size. That’s a big difference. Just like your carry-on bag has to fit in a certain size box at the ticket counter, you will have to fit in a frame the same size as a seat. If you can’t squeeze in, you pay double.

Since weight don’t matter, only breadth, I see a big gain for the corset manufacturers. Can you imagine the millions to be made by controlling the corset concession at every airport? It’s enough to make John Gotti roll over.

When a fleshy passenger is asked to pay double, why he won’t kick on forking over $99 for a corset, if it’ll keep him within the confines of his assigned seat and save hundreds of dollars.

You can make a good profit because brand name won’t mean a thing. A few ladies may insist on a Maidenform, but by and large, any brand will do, even a Sears Industrial Strength.

Contact your Congressman. Be first in line for the Corset Corner franchise at your local airport. It’s a sure fire winner.

Only two things could knock it down… if Mr. Bush is successful at getting everybody to exercise a half hour a day (fat chance), and if McDonalds doubles the price of Super Sizes.

Speaking of our President… last week I told you he would be back in Ohio soon. Well, no sooner had Air Force One left Ohio air space than Laura Bush was on the ground in Cincinnati. And today V-P Dick Cheney was in Dayton. Next week will be a great disappointment if Ohio don’t at least get Mr. Rumsfeld or Colin Powell.

Historical quote from Will Rogers: (this is a classic on Corsets)

“(Corset manufacturing is) an essential industry. Just imagine, if you can, if the flesh of this country were allowed to wander around promiscuously! Why, there ain’t no telling where it would wind up. There has got to be a gathering or a get_together place for everything in this world, so, when our human bodies get beyond our control, why we have to call on some mechanical force to help assemble them and bring back what might be called the semblance of a human frame.

These corset builders have got what you would call a Herculean Task, as they really have to improve on nature. The same problem confronts them that does the people that run the subways in New York City. They both have to get so many pounds of human flesh into a given radius. The subway does it by having strong men to push and shove until they can just close the door with only the last man’s foot out. But the corset carpenters arrive at the same thing by a series of strings.

They have what is known as the back lace. This is known as a one man corset.

Now the front lace can be operated without a confederate. Judiciously holding your breath, with a conservative intake on the diaphram, you arrange yourself inside this. Then you tie the strings to the door knob, and slowly back away. When your speedometer says you have arrive at exactly 36, why haul in your lines and tie off.

We have also the side lace. That is made in case you are very fleshy and need two accomplices to help you congregate yourself. You stand in the middle and they pull from both sides. This acts something in the nature of a vise. This style has been known to operate so successful that the victim’s buttons have popped off their shoes.

Now, of course, not as many women wear corsets as used to, but what they have lost in women they have made up with men.” WA #12, March 4, 1923

COLUMBUS: This is Fathers Day. Personally, it has been a great day, and I have no complaints. But, if you think about it, almost every Sunday is good for a dad. If you really want to pay him the respect he deserves, I think we need a Monday holiday for dads.

You may say, the country already takes a lot of Mondays off work. Of course none of those holidays come in June, so I figure we can make a good case for it. If there’s too much of a yell, I suppose we can compromise… we’ll make it a national holiday, but only for dads. Everybody else will have to work.

President Bush was in town Friday. He dropped in to speak to the graduating class at Ohio State University. He mainly reminded them about his suggestion that everyone volunteer two years of service for the public good over their lifetime. Some of the students said it sounded like a good idea provided they can live off mom and dad while they do it. Especially if they can sleep till noon.

Most students felt honored to have the President here to wrap up their four years in college, or five or six. Now, having Mr. Bush come to Ohio is an honor, but it’s no novelty. He stops in every month or two to remind folks to vote Republican. Don’t be surprised if he is back for the State Fair in August.

The President is encouraging Israel to recognize the Palestinians, to let ’em have a piece of land to call their own. Israel says, “We will do it, but not till we finish building this fence around ’em. We will recognize the Palestinians, but only if they stay on the other side of the barb wire.”

The fence will have an electric charge added to it. Mr. Sharon wanted to add a moat, but they would have to truck the water too far. Mr. Arafat probably would not object to the fence if, while it was keeping his Palestinians on one side, it kept the Israelis on the other.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Father had a day, but you can’t find anybody who remembers when it was. It’s been so confused with April the first.” Radio broadcast, May 12, 1935

“I propose a Father’s Day. No flowers, no fuss, just let him use the car himself and go where he wants to. But we will never live to see such a contented day.” DT #1183, May 11, 1930

COLUMBUS: After giving us eleven days of rain, the Lord finally saw fit to tempt us with a little sunshine yesterday. The only three dry locations in Columbus were on the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria. Corn farmers are undecided whether their planter needs wider tires, Caterpillar tracks, or pontoons. The Pilgrims reported that Indians put a fish beside every corn plant. Well, we got whole fields of fish, but no corn planted.

I know it don’t seem fair to all these other regions doing without rain. Iowa got eight inches one day, and Montana ain’t had that much in a year. Why, it’s got so bad along the Rio Grande, Texas is trying to buy water from Mexico.

The Masai Tribe in Africa gave 14 old milk cows to our ambassador, in remembrance of the World Trade Center victims. It was a wonderful gesture and sacrifice of the highest order. He accepted the cows even though he didn’t even own a milk bucket. Just like any dairy farmer today, his first thought was to sell them. Then he would put the money into a fund for the victims.

But some television reporters got wind of the plan and said the cows should be trucked to America, where they could be put on display in various zoos and circuses. Then some other reporter said, no, they can’t be penned up, they need room to roam. So they compromised on a plan to send seven to New York to be turned loose in Central Park, and the other seven to Rock Creek Park in Washington. How many of these reporters do you think will show up twice a day to lasso and milk ’em?

We got ranchers in the West where it is so dry they would give 14 Thousand cows to our government, as long as they get fed and returned in good shape. These are beef cows, and most come with a calf that handles the milking chores. All they really need is a park where the grass needs mowed. The park can even keep the fertilizer.

The President announced plans for a new cabinet agency, the Department of Homeland Security. The idea is to bring under one person every government employee needed to keep us safe at home. Congress seems to like the idea of it being under one Secretary, but they can’t agree on which 78 Congressional committees should be responsible for keeping an eye on him. It won’t be as tough to get the FBI, Coast Guard and Immigration to compromise and cooperate as it will the various sub-committee chairmen.

Did you hear about the woman with the U.S. Department of Agriculture in Florida, Johnelle Bryant? She turned down those terrorists when they asked for a loan. Mohamed Atta wanted $650,000 to buy a plane for crop dusting and charter service, in the spring of 2000. Three others came in later to ask her for money.

Now, all across this country we had people that seemed to give those men anything they wanted… visas, flying lessons, airline tickets to fly anywhere…, and this one woman with the Farm Services Agency is the only one who said, “No”.

Just a few days ago I talked to a bunch of those USDA-FSA folks, from all over the country, and if I had only realized their wisdom and good judgement at the time, I would have just asked questions and let them provide the lecture.

When Mr. Bush is organizing that new department I think two people he should put in charge, along with Secretary Ridge, is Mrs. Bryant, and that FBI lawyer in Minneapolis, Coleen Rowley.

A friend told me recently not to worry about any wars in India, Pakistan or most anywhere else in the world for the next three weeks. The soldiers are all watching the World Cup, no matter who is playing. Any war begun this month will be started by diplomats. Or Americans.

Another old murder has been solved with the Skakel conviction. Connecticut took only 27 years to find him guilty. Now they can honestly claim to be 12 years ahead of Alabama, but only in that one category.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“I got a wire (from) my ranch, or what I thought was a cattle ranch (saying it) was now a fish hatchery.” WA #231, May 15, 1927

LAFAYETTE, Indiana: This is Memorial Day. At least it was before we decided all important days had to come on a Monday. They used to have a big car race in this state every May 30, but they held it last Sunday. The fellow who won the race is from Brazil. He just stopped at Indianapolis for the day on his way to play soccer in Japan. This week NATO welcomed their old enemy Russia into its living room and gave it a seat. It ain’t the best seat, but it sure beats having to stand outside and peek in a window. The North Atlantic Treaty Organization reaches all the way to the North Pacific, no matter which side you approach it from, Siberia or Alaska. Maybe we should welcome Cuba into North America. Russia had unanimous support. And the only nation that appears to oppose Cuba is Florida. Nobody can claim Florida is a bad businessman. I read where, for just a few million dollars, Florida tricked the big oil companies into selling the mineral rights under half the state and part of the Gulf. Shrewd. And they even got the rest of us to pay the bill. You just wait… in about 50 years, when the tourists can’t find a drop of gasoline to drive to California or Oklahoma or any of the other prime vacation spots, Florida will drill a few wells when the Feds aren’t looking. Then they will ration out just enough fuel to tourists for ’em to drive straight to Orlando. Then after a month or two (even sooner if their bank account runs as dry as their tank), why Florida will loan ’em enough gas to drive home again. I have heard from a few of you folks in dry states and countries, but here in our middle west it has rained almost every day. It’s been too wet to plant much. In this state about 20 percent of the fields have been planted to corn, maybe 10 percent to soybeans. That’s all. Most of the other 70 percent, if it’s not under water, it’s covered with wild mustard. This yellow weed is awful pretty, kinda like sunflowers in Kansas. But to a farmer, it’s a weed, and a reminder of how far behind he is with planting. Nobody has yet found a use for this mustard, but if President Bush is interested, Gov. O’Bannon says his state will sell all rights to ’em for ten million. That would leave his budget only $1.29 Billion short for next year. Indiana and these other wet states invite you to bring your buckets and carry home all the water you want, no charge. If you show up in an empty tank truck, they’ll even loan you a pump. If you want to learn about erosion and where all this mud you see in rivers is coming from, here’s the place to ask. The USDA has a whole building devoted to nothing but Erosion. These scientists spend all day studying soils, and how to stop rain from washing it off fields and into streams and lakes. They say you should keep something growing on it, or if it’s too cold to grow, cover the soil with old crop stalks or straw. That works with wind erosion, too, and anywhere in the world. Bob Hope turned 99, and Delores is 93. Thanks for the memories, Bob, and the laughs. I sure would love to be at your Birthday Party next year. Historical quote from Will Rogers: “I will never joke about old Soldiers who try to get to reunions to talk over the war again. To talk of old times with old friends is the greatest thing in the world.” WA #169, March 7, 1926

KANSAS CITY, Missouri: I flew here from Columbus on American this week. It is discouraging to look down on so much farm land with nothing growing. Much of it still too wet to work, some is under water.

Folks from Washington are out here explaining the Farm Bill to farmers. The simplest deciphering I’ve heard so far is this one: “Raise what Texas raises, and you’ll collect a check.” Also: “If you milk what Vermont milks, it won’t turn sour on you.”

They say the grain farmer can collect funds in three ways. But it’s all from one source, the U.S. taxpayer. So folks are asking, where does the taxpayer go to get an understanding of his role in this transaction.

This must be the season for states to announce their budgets. Missouri is short of money, but I didn’t hear any details. Ohio joined that big multi-state lottery, Mega Millions, in hopes they could balance the budget. No luck on the first drawing… the winner was from Chicago. Gov. Taft has been unsuccessful in persuading him to move to Cleveland. And, if a fellow from Cleveland does happen to win, say, a $200 million jackpot in the next year or two, what’s to keep him from moving himself and his dough to Florida.

North Carolina passed a budget, using lottery profits to balance it. Only problem is they don’t have a lottery. Ohio will be happy to sell ’em some tickets.

Ohio also raised cigaret taxes fifty cents. Kentucky doesn’t charge any tax to speak of, so Ohio is preparing to block all the bridges to the Bluegrass state, and sink any boats on the river.

I read where some unemployed lawyers, having exhausted the supply of people to defend, are wanting to represent chimps. Since the bank account of the average chimp is insufficient to cover the retainer, they want us to pick up the hourly fee. If you give a chimp a lawyer, why, before you know it he’ll demand the right to buy a gun. A chimp with a loaded gun could be as dangerous as a chimp with a lawyer.

I’m heading back to Columbus tonight. Tiger Woods is playing the Memorial tournament this week, and he won the last three times here. We’ll see if Jack Nicklaus has any surprises for him.

Sad news from Washington tonight. Chandra Levy’s body was found, by a dog. The murderer left her body hidden in thick weeds and underbrush, not out in the open areas where the police had searched thoroughly. Three times. The Police Chief said they have a dog, but he was only allowed to search a limited number of hours a day. Sounds like that dog has a lawyer. Officials are scouring the area for clues. They already found bone fragments, shoes, a jogging bra, and three more bodies. Until they can obtain and train a few more dogs, Washington police are appealing to prospective murderers to leave their victim in a clearly visible location.

Let’s not be too hard on Washington. Birmingham took 39 years to convict a murderer.

A terrorist has apparently threatened to blow up the Brooklyn Bridge. Why would anyone want to destroy this beautiful historic bridge? He should just sell it, like everyone else.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“I just give up reading murders. You no more than get a few details of one murder than the afternoon paper brings you news of another. The best read man in the country couldn’t tell you who killed who last week.” DT #2457, June 18, 1934

 

COLUMBUS: Our former President, Jimmy Carter, is in Cuba. Mr. Castro let him go on television, he talked on for an hour and it was all in Spanish. It was a short speech by Cuban standards, and the people liked what they heard.

Mr. Carter told ’em they should have an election to select a president democratically, by popular vote. They all knew about Florida, you know, from their cousins in Miami, so that got a big laugh. Jimmy then explained, “Not the way we did it in 2000, but rather the way our founding fathers intended.”

Did you read where the Republicans are selling a picture of President Bush for $150? It was taken on September 11, and Democrats are upset. Now I’m all for the Democrats, God love ’em, but what’s the complaint? It’s a picture that anyone can get free on the internet, or cut out of a magazine, so why worry about what a rich Republican will pay for it.

What they’re mainly upset about is nobody will pay $150 for a picture of President Clinton. Actually there’s images of him that Republicans would pay Thousands for, but no one was there to snap the picture.

Farmers are having a tough time, especially the cattlemen. First, McDonald’s says they plan to buy their beef in Australia because it’s leaner. Well, we’ve got plenty of beef on the hoof right here and the way farmers are getting squeezed, their old cows will soon be just as hungry as the Aussies. If McDonald’s wants to serve meat from Down Under, they ought to sell lambburgers. Even our ranchers would eat those.

Next, the NCAA announced that colleges will stop using basketballs made of cowhide in their tournaments. That ain’t so bad, but they thanked PETA for giving ’em the idea. When you think about all these agricultural universities across the country that teach animal husbandry, and now they will have to dribble a ball made of plastic…

I suppose PETA will tell these schools they have to give up their animal names, too. Will colleges want to give up names like Wolverines, Badgers, Wildcats, Buffalos, Bears, Gators and Leathernecks, and trade ’em for vegetables? I doubt you’ll ever see the Texas Longhorns become the Texas Turnipgreens.

Farmers got a farm bill through Congress. Lots of people seem to think we’re giving our farmers too much. One thing they forget is the farmer will collect so much a bushel for what he grows. The big farmer and the small one get the same, so many cents a bushel or pound, depending on the commodity. So the more he grows, the more he gets. And the more he grows, the better we eat.

If he grows nothing, he gets nothing. This spring in Ohio, and in a bunch of other states, it’s rained almost every day and not much has been planted. One farmer told me his fields are so wet he may call a crop duster in Louisiana to fly up here and sow rice. We had two days of sunshine, to give the farmers hope, but it’s supposed to rain the rest of the week. But they’re optimistic, their tractors are fueled, and when the weather breaks they could have the corn and soybeans all planted in a couple of weeks.

On this Farm Bill, the Northerners wanted a low maximum limit per farm, Southerners wanted no limit, and Congress arranged it so both got what they wanted. The limits are just like a plank in a political platform… just for the orator to point to.

No matter whether it’s corn, cotton or peanuts, most of the money will go to pay the rent on the land, and maybe buy some machinery. One improvement, if Mr. Carter and President Bush could persuade the voters in south Florida to go along, would be for us to buy all our sugar from Cuba, and for them to buy everything else from us.

And if we could carry that idea to every corner of the globe… you grow what you grow best, and we’ll do likewise, and we’ll trade with each other… maybe our farmers wouldn’t need any government subsidy. The taxpayers would be happy and the farmers would be thrilled.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Did you see in the paper this afternoon where Cuba is liable to have another change of government? … It’s their country. It’s their sugar. Take the sugar out of Cuba and we would no more be interested in their troubles than we would a revolution among the Zulus.” DT #2218, Sept. 12, 1933

“There is one thing about a Latin American country. No matter who is running it, they are always run the same.” DT #2213, Sept. 6, 1933

COLUMBUS: I’ve been watching some television, and there’s nothing new. It’s all old. Last night NBC dug into the old film cellar and came up with shows from Bob Hope, Sid Caesar, Jack Benny, Milton Berle, Johnny Carson, Dean Martin, Perry Como, Dinah Shore and Andy Williams to Dave Garaway and Chet Huntley and David Brinkley. Tonight CBS showed Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows and Art Carney from the 1950’s. Go to a movie theater, and what’s on? Spiderman. How long has he been around? Let’s check the news channels. Well, Israel and the Palestinians are arguing over land, Europe is crowing about defeating a radical politician, Congress votes relief for the farmer, and Lindbergh flies solo across the Atlantic. Well, there is something new. Yesterday was World Laughter Day. You might have thought May 5 was just Cinco de Mayo, but that was mainly concocted as a celebration by the liquor companies and scheduled to give you a few days to sober up and buy flowers and gin for Mother’s Day. On Laughter Day, you just laugh for no reason at all. You don’t have to hear a funny joke or read a comic. As I understand it, you start off with a couple of HaHaHa’s, followed by a HeeHeeHee, and a big belly laugh HoHoHo. After you do that for a minute or two, especially if you’re with some other folks laughing along with you, why you’ll be smiling and in such a good mood you can’t help but be happy. And you don’t have to wait another year to try laughing. In India and some other places there’s folks that start every day laughing. Can’t hurt to try it. They say, “Laugh till it helps.” Now if President Bush could get Mr. Arafat and Mr. Sharon together, and start ’em laughin’, who knows where it might lead. I don’t think either one of those birds has had a good laugh since Amos ‘n Andy went off the air. Historic fact and a quote from Will Rogers: On Nov. 15, 1927, the first radio network show (by the National Broadcasting Company) was sent out over telephone wire to 24 stations. About 5 million listeners tuned in for all or part of the program that lasted 4.5 hours. Will Rogers was one of the entertainers on that very first network hookup, speaking from a remote location in Independence, Kansas. (From “Will Rogers: A Biography” by Ben Yogoda) On his weekly Sunday night radio broadcast, July 8, 1934, Will joked that he never answered any fan mail sent to him. But he added, “You write to these folks that’s puttin’ on this racket. It’s Gulf Oil Company… in care of the National, or is this Colum___? No, no. This is the National. Here’s an NBC right in front of me. NBC. No Body Cares. And those are mighty good letters. Nothin’ anybody says over the radio today is remembered tomorrow, and it’s just as well. No Body Cares.”

 

COLUMBUS: Let’s start off with some headlines from the Columbus Dispatch.

“Jesse Helms to have surgery to replace a valve in his heart.” That’ll be a shock to some folks… they don’t believe the Senator has a heart. Of course he has a heart… it’s just in a different place than theirs.

“White House backs abolishing immigration agency.” That sounds like good news for those who want smaller government. But no, they want to replace the Immigration and Naturalization Service with two agencies, one to let ’em in, and the other to keep ’em out. I got a better plan … let the Marines keep the undesirables out, and the job of letting the worthy immigrants in would be turned over to the Bureau of Indian Affairs.

And I would make it retroactive. Anybody who’s ancestors arrived on these shores since 1492 would have to explain why this country is better off with them than without ’em. Anybody whose forefathers were brought here under false pretenses or against their will would have the option of a free ticket back to their homeland. If they decide they like it better here, they could apply for re-admission.

“Philip Morris supports self-extinguishing cigarettes.” They claim that 900 lives would be saved in this country if cigarettes went out automatically when the smoker was done with them. Can you imagine how many would be saved if they went out immediately when lit?

“Ohio Senate adopts pro-Israel resolution.” Wow, they took time from raising taxes and cutting spending to tackle this controversial issue. At least they’re in favor of somebody. Some folks around Columbus ain’t even sure they’re pro-Ohio. But these Senators up for re-election will survive this November as long as they don’t adopt a resolution that’s pro-Michigan.

“Pope gives mixed signals: condemns abuse, but hints at forgiveness.” Even the Cardinals said they were confused by his message. Well, some of you may recollect, the Disciples didn’t always understand what our Savior said at the time either.

“Blake asked two stuntmen to kill wife.” Don’t bank on this Hollywood sex drama to draw as big a crowd as O.J. or Cleopatra. It will fizzle at the box office quicker than Mariah Carey.

I read some good news in a West Virginia newspaper. They are going to let 4-H keep their Indian traditions after all. If you live in one of the other 49, see if you can get your 4-H camps to pick up on it.

In Australia and New Zealand they celebrated ANZAC Day this week. Now that shows how two great nations can live peacefully as neighbors. About the only thing they ever fight over is rugby, soccer and cricket, and cricket takes so many days to finish a match they’re too tired to argue politics. What Israel and Palestine need is a Day every year they can celebrate together. Just pick one when the weather might be favorable for a picnic and declare it I-Pal Day. Who knows, it might work so well they won’t need to be separated by 20 miles.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“A lady in Chicago is arrested for killing a casual acquaintance. That’s news. If she had killed her husband or lover that would be commonplace. But friends are seldom killed. What does the 8th chapter, second verse of the first book of Matthew teach us? That verse should be enough to teach us that friendship should be trusted. We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.” WA #49, Nov. 18, 1923

COLUMBUS: Well, I’ve put this off about as long as I can. I delayed writing my weekly annoyance a few extra days, just waiting for Peace to break out. Since there’s no news to report, we’ll do just what they do on television under similar circumstances… we’ll chat among ourselves.

Remember when our President announced from his ranch in Crawford that he told Prime Minister Sharon to pull out his army, “without delay”? Then he sent Sec. Powell over there to talk to ’em, and if necessary, lasso ’em and bulldog ’em back on their side of the line.

Well, the Secretary must have left his lasso in Texas. Nobody got roped. He spent ten days seeing the sights in the Middle East, (or was it 40 days wandering in the Wilderness?) and left for home saying he made some headway. If I heard it right he said, “We came over here not knowing if Israel would pull out in two weeks or two months. I am pleased to report progress: Israel told me yesterday it would definitely be two months.”

But you can’t blame our Secretary of State. He knew he wouldn’t get anywhere when he headed over there. If he had intended to win, he would have taken General Swartzkoff.

You can’t really blame the Prime Minister either. When our government was tracking down Dillinger and his gang in 1933, did they announce, “Two more weeks, and if we don’t get him, we quit looking.”? Mr. Sharon is a fighter and always has been. That’s all he knows. Johnny Cash sang about a Boy named Sue. Would you want to be a Man named Sharon?

Can you blame Mr. Arafat? Many people do, but he is a fighter and that’s all he’s known for years. What is it he is fighting for? Well, it’s always for a bit more than anyone wants to give him. But it’s less than he thinks his people deserve.

Those countries in that region don’t realize what they’re giving up. Millions of people from all over the world would pay thousands a piece to take a 10-day tour of the same places Colin Powell visited. There ain’t hardly a nicer territory on Earth than around the Mediterranean in the spring if you could just keep politics out of it.

But you can’t blame it all on politics. It’s more on their particular brand of politics.

Over here we got politics, but it’s mainly for the humor. Take Florida. (Now admit it, as soon as you read “Take Florida”, didn’t you burst out laughing?)

You remember what happened back in the election of 2000. The sides was split 50-50, right down the middle. For more than a month, the number one hit on television was that live show from West Palm Beach and Tallahassee. They should have called it Survivor 0. The Newscasters thought it was drama. But for the ordinary viewer… they were watching it as a comedy.

Did the tourists stay away from Florida because of all these political battles and turmoil? Not on your life. This spring they had more vacationers than ever, and you can’t give all the credit to Walt Disney’s 100^th birthday, fast cars at Daytona and cheap beer on the beach. Political comedy is attracting a fair share. Janet Reno for Governor. Katherine Harris for Congress. See, you laughed again.

Well, this chat doesn’t have a stopping point, so I’ll just sign off with an inkling of a Peace Plan. I may reveal more details next week if no other plan succeeds in the mean time. It involves a 20-mile wide strip of land running north-south to be inhabited only by those sworn to a peaceful existence with their neighbors. All combatants would be forced to live separately on either side. I’ll leave you in suspense as to whether this Plan refers to the Jews and Palestinians in Israel, or the Democrats and Republicans in Florida.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“I’ve got a plan that’ll stop all wars. When you can’t agree with your neighbor you move away. With your wife, she either shoots you or moves away from you. Now that’s my plan. Move nations away from each other. Take France and Germany. They can’t agree, so take France and trade places with Japan. Let Japan live there by Germany. If those two want to fight, let ’em fight. Who cares. We’d run excursions to a war like that.
We don’t always agree with Mexico. Well, trade Mexico off for Turkey, harems and all. Now we got men in this country that would get along great with Turkey.
And that would solve the Irish problem. Take England and move ’em away from Ireland. Take ’em over to Canada and let ’em live off their son-in-law. When you move England away from Ireland don’t you let Ireland know where you’re taking ’em, or they’ll follow ’em and get ’em.” From an early recording, circa mid-1920s.

ST. MARYS, Ohio: After pondering on it for a week, I uncovered an idea that Colin Powell may want to consider for settlin’ the Middle East argument. But first I’ve got to tell you where I am.

This is Auglaize County, in the western part of Ohio, home of the astronaut, Neil Armstrong. He was one of those Rocket Boys, but he was born in farm country instead of a coal mine so nobody made a movie about him, at least not yet.

Here at St. Marys Memorial High School they have an FFA organization as modern as space ships, but with an ancient and successful history almost as old as the school building itself. At one time FFA stood for Future Farmers of America, but now they just use the initials, kinda like 3M and FMC. And rightly so because these students are prepared to go into about any line of work in their future, including farming. One told me he wants to be a Mechanical Engineer. Another one, the boy who introduced me tonight at their banquet, says he don’t know what he’ll do, but I would say he is laying the groundwork for being a Comedian. He’s just ornery enough to make a go of it.

I promised you a plan for the Middle East, and here it is. Now, I told this to the FFA students tonight and their parents, and they figured it stood as good a chance as any other plan we might impose, at least one we can afford.

This plan ain’t mine, in fact it goes back to something the Indians learned and practiced for hundreds of years, way before the white man arrived on these shores and civilized ’em.

See, what you do is have Mr. Arafat and Mr. Sharon trade places for a week.

To explain this plan in a way those men will understand it, I suggest Secretary Powell invite an Indian to fly over there to join him pronto. I would recommend the Chief of the Cherokee Nation out in Oklahoma. If she is tied up and can’t go, I’ll round up someone else for him.

(Read the Historic Quotes below for explanation.)

Historic Quotes from Will Rogers:

“(Indians say) you must never disagree with a man while you are facing him. Go around behind him and look the same way they do when you are facing him. Look over his shoulder and get his viewpoint, then go back and face him and you will have a different idea.

“An Indian (said) the reason a white man always got lost, and an Indian dident, was because an Indian always looked back after he passed anything so he got a view of it from both sides. You see the white man just figures that all sides of a thing are the same. That’s like a dumb guy with an argument, he don’t think there can be any other side, only his. That’s what you call politicians.” WA #514, October 30, 1932