Category: Uncategorized

# 291, Sept. 24, 2003

RANTOUL, Illinois: The farm fields around here in eastern Illinois have some of the best soils in the world. If the rains come when they’re needed, corn grows 200 bushels to the acre, and after harvest, the farmer can afford a new pickup truck for himself and remodel the kitchen for the family.

But this rich soil has one slight defect. Too much rain and this flat ground turns into M-U-D. And that’s what it is today. MUD. Now ordinarily that is not a problem…that 200-bushel corn is still standing so you let it dry out a couple of weeks, and go on with harvest.

But this year, this week, mud is a problem. See, the folks that publish the Prairie Farmer and Indiana Prairie Farmer and a bunch of other “state” Farmer magazines put on a big Farm Progress Show every year. This year it’s here.

Now yesterday was fine. And over a hundred thousand farmers were here. Those were the smart farmers, the ones who looked at the weather map and saw what was coming later.

Sure enough, last night it rained… and rained some more… and washed out the Show for today. And probably tomorrow.

So today, folks like me that go by the calendar instead of doppler radar, have no Show to show up at. The exhibitors that intended to use their tractors to demonstrate the newest tillage equipment are instead using them to pull out campers and motor homes and pickup trucks.

Meanwhile, we may as well relax and stop at a neighborhood restaurant, like Ott’s right here in Rantoul. They all stocked up for the crowds, so no one will go home hungry. And there’s the Aerospace Museum at the old Chanute Air Base. It’s where Lindbergh learned to fly, and the famous Tuskegee Airmen. And… the parking lot is paved.

There will be another show next year, and folks that are disappointed today will show up for it. That’s farmers for you, always looking ahead to a brighter day.

Out in California tonight, the candidate debate went on without me. The arguments got kinda hot a few times, even personal. It’s odd. Here, we’re surrounded by mud. But California is where they’re slinging it.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“(The farmer) has to be an optimist or he wouldn’t still be a farmer.” WA #57, Jan. 13, 1924

# 290, Sept. 19, 2003

COLUMBUS: Gen. Wesley Clark announced this week he is running for President. That’s another candidate no one’s heard of, except for those of you that watched CNN during the war. They say he’s fine man, brilliant, really intelligent. But it makes you wonder, if he’s that smart, why would he want to campaign for President.

That brings the total candidates up to around ten. Senator Edwards has been running for a year, but he went home to North Carolina to make the official announcement. The next day, in a move blamed on the Republicans, Hurricane Isabel took dead aim for the state.

Senator Graham of Florida and a couple of others may drop out. They are postponing their withdrawal as long as they can. Mr. Graham said it’s kind of like the sound of a tree falling in the woods. If nobody knows you’re running, will they even hear that you dropped out.

These Presidential candidates were looking forward to October and the end of the California recall election. But some Federal judges want to delay the election till March, I guess because two months is too short a time to inflict the required pain and suffering on a state’s voters. They figure Californians need an extra five months to learn how to spell Bustamante or Swartzenegger.

Speaking of that hurricane, we knew for a week Isabel was coming. Officials told the folks on the barrier islands and the shore to get away from the hurricane, to leave immediately. Did you notice that most of us heard this news from TV reporters who had gone TOWARD the hurricane? What were they thinking? It made any sane man wonder if they had all adopted the Fox theme, “We report; you decide if we’re stupid.”

I have come to the conclusion that every house built along there should have a room attached to the garage filled with plywood, precut to fit all windows and doors. It’s more needed than storm cellars in the middle west.

Not everyone believes in the Bible, but that verse about not building your house on sand is hard to argue with. Naturally, we’ll all pitch in to help those that got blown away or flooded out, but maybe like drunk drivers that get caught, they should have to complete a course. This one would be on “Common Sense Construction and Home Buying”.

Weather has been good in Ohio, best two weeks of the whole summer. Farmers are in high spirits. Crops are fine, not ideal but good enough.

We lost two fine men in the entertainment business. Tex Ritter’s boy, John, was a fine comedian and actor still in his prime. And the legend, Johnny Cash. His heart and mind were still young, his voice one of a kind. He just missed June too much to go on living.

Johnny’s son-in-law, Rodney Crowell, paid “me” a nice compliment. He said, “Johnny Cash will, like Will Rogers, stand forever as a symbol of intelligence, creativity, compassion and common sense.” Well, I sure appreciate the comparison. And you’ll notice Rodney has a lot of common sense and intelligence himself, because he didn’t include anything about my singing and guitar playing.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Every time we have an election we get in worse men, and the country keeps right on going. Times have only proven one thing, and that is that you can’t ruin this country even with politics.” WA 306, Nov. 4, 1928

# 289, Sept. 10, 2003

COLUMBUS: Today, I am announcing my campaign Slogan. It may not be as memorable as the Lt. Governor’s slogan, “Bustamante or Bust!” And it won’t stand out quite like the one for Mary Carey campaigning in a bikini, “Bust!”

But I will stand by my slogan, same as in 1928. Here it is:

“IF ELECTED I ABSOLUTELY AND POSITIVELY AGREE TO RESIGN. That’s my only Campaign pledge, or Slogan, ELECT ROGERS AND HE WILL RESIGN. That’s offering the (state) more than any Candidate ever offered it in the entire History of its existence.”

Peter Ueberroth did me one better. He resigned before being elected.

I’m getting off this California campaign trail, at least for a while. Next week I’ll dig up something entertaining for the other 49 states, and maybe the rest of the world. The Texas Democrats are back in Austin, and Congress is back in town, except the ones running for President. There’s so many it’s harder to get a quorum in Washington than in Texas.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (1928, Life magazine, with only a couple of changes.)

The process is called a “political campaign.” It involves an incalculable amount of energy, expense, heartache, boredom and general nuisance. It is, from beginning to end, a colossal waste of time, for those actively engaged in it and for those who have to read about it in the newspapers and listen to it over the radio.

I believe that the candidates would have all been better off if they had pulled a (Calvin) Coolidge and got down in their shell and not come out till the votes were counted, for the less a voter knows about you the longer he is liable to vote for you.

My religion, foreign travel, or style of hat has never even been referred to. No attempt has been made to cash in on any Sex Appeal I may unconsciously possess. So I may be defeated on election day, but if I am I can retire as a Gentleman and NOT a politician.

 

Sept. 4, 2003

COLUMBUS: The California candidate debate started yesterday. They began with five out of the135, so this debate is liable to go on longer than a Jerry Lewis Telethon. And it won’t do a tenth the good.

I figure by the time the interviewers all ask their questions of each candidate, and then bring in another five for the same questions, and so on with another five, by the time they finally get down to the “R’s” it’ll take at least a week, and I’ll be ready for ’em.

Arnold is stalling till he has heard the questions a few times. His advisors are still pondering on some issues and he will make his pronouncements just as soon as they write the script. He figures he’ll be ready to join in on the second round of debates the fourth week of September, and it may take that long to finish the first round.

Frankly, I’m disappointed. No one, from any party, has contacted me yet about resigning as a candidate. I was kinda hoping to get a substantial offer, and then see if anybody would raise it. But I’m afraid the market value of candidates got slammed pretty low when Bill Simon dropped out for nothing. He could have done us candidates a favor and held out for at least enough to cover the filing fee.

Governor Davis is facing a monumental decision, whether to sign the bill to give illegal immigrants a driver’s license. Some folks say there are two million of ’em lined up at the license bureau, with another half a million thumbing in from Arizona. Mr. Davis has asked his Attorney General the one big question that will determine if he signs the bill: If I let them drive, will they all vote “No” on the Recall?

Tune in next week when I will reveal my one and only campaign Slogan. And my slogan will double as a solemn Pledge. I guarantee I’ll keep it, given the opportunity. See you next week.

Historical quotes from Will Rogers: (1928 Life magazine, with only names, locations and a couple of other non-essentials altered to fit.)

Our Party thinks that if a man is in Public life and he can’t find out what is going on without a Committee telling him, why he has no business asking for the Public’s support.

Farm relief: Arnold is honest about that, He says he don’t know a corn stalk from jimpson weed, and that a Tractor might be a mouthwash as far as he is concerned, and Boll-weevil might be a brand of corn liquor, or it might be a fertilizer.

Now as to my own affairs…. I have made a lot of promises, But they were only political promises and I have no idea of keeping any of them.

Of all the Bunk handed out during a campaign the biggest one of all is to try and compliment the knowledge of the voter. And tell him he can’t be fooled like he used to be. Candidates are always complimenting the intelligence of their audience. These fellows know the voters don’t know any more than they did in previous years.

How are the voters going to be any smarter when the Candidates themselves are no smarter? Even with the able men we have this year, you don’t suppose that they are an improvement over Lincoln, Jefferson, or Teddy Roosevelt.

No, we are more “smart Alec” than we ever were, but we are no smarter. We read more and we hear more over the radio, but the stuff we read and the stuff we hear don’t make us any smarter.

The people that write it, and the ones that talk it out over the radio (and television), are no smarter than the ones that used to hand down the dope for our old forefathers.

They go to the polls in an automobile, but they don’t carry any more in their heads than the old timer that went there on a mule. So the old Bunk that you can’t fool the voter is the biggest Bunk there is. He has been fooled all his life and he will always be fooled.

There is just as many half wits voting Republican today because their fathers voted that way as there ever was. There is just as many voting Democratic because they have heard their folks tell about how the Republicans treated them as there ever was.

If the voter is as smart as they say, why do they have to tell him anything, why do they have literature, and campaigns, and speeches? Why does each candidate have to spend millions of dollars trying to buy votes with propaganda?

The oldest form of Bunk in the world is to say how “Well informed the voters are and that they can’t be misled by our opponents.” I doubt if at any time during the history of the world were we ever as downright Dumb as we are today.

I think you will find that Campaigns have ruined more men than they ever made.

 

August 29, 2003

COLUMBUS: Before I get back on the California campaign trail, I must throw in a comment on the judicial situation in one of our fine southern states. This is an authentic quote (March 17, 1935), with three words added. “Whoever wrote the Ten Commandments made ’em short. They may not always be kept, but they can be understood. They’re the same for (everybody).” Even in Alabama.

In this California race, Arnold says in his younger Hollywood actor days he practiced what you and I might modestly call “unusual sex habits”. Personally I think this admission is just an underhanded attempt to steal votes from Larry Flint.

He also aims to get the votes of all drug users in California, and if he can pull that off too, it’ll give him a majority for sure. So Cruz and I have our work cut out for us.

Last week I promised you a debate with Mr. Bustamante, so I’ve got to dig up something we can disagree on. He’s a farm boy who grew up to become a politician. I’m a cowboy who never grew up, and therefore became a humorist.

As a boy he picked cotton, so I will concede to him the votes of all who pick cotton by hand if he’ll give me all the ranchers and dairy farmers. He also picked peaches, and he can have all the peach pickers if I can have the grape growers and assorted byproducts. Some folks say I’m plumb nutty, so I should rightfully be entitled to all nut growers. Cruz and I could argue over the grass growers, but Arnold is counting on those votes, and I don’t have the nerve to tell him the grass we’re referring to is alfalfa, orchardgrass and pasture fields.

Cruz and some other Mexicans have said California should be returned to Mexico. Other candidates disagree and say we should return the Mexicans to Mexico and keep California. I suggest a compromise: let’s give California to Mexico, but keep the water.

But it don’t matter what any candidate wants because, in the shape California’s in today, I don’t think Mexico would take her. If Mexico would pay off the debt and cover the upkeep and overhead, California would come out way ahead on the deal, but you watch Mexico wise up and decline the offer.

Lt. Governor Bustamante is in favor of illegal aliens getting drivers licenses. I’m scratching my head on that one. When the person shows up to take the driving test, won’t the police officer running the test suspect something? I know we’ve got more cars than we do drivers, but traffic ain’t what we’re short of. California has more cars than pavement to drive ’em on, the same as it was eighty years ago. Is there a shortage of taxi drivers in Los Angeles who don’t speak English?

Cruz, I do see one thing in your favor on this one. If we give a license to illegal aliens, when we deport them they can drive themselves to the border.

Here’s more Historical quotes from Will Rogers, with only a few changes in names and location. (Life magazine, 1928)

I am carrying my campaign along dignified lines. It’s the Future my party is looking to, not the past. So I hope there is some sane people in California who will appreciate dignity, and not showmanship, in their choice for Governor.

In the course of events I had to come East. I am the only Candidate that is tending to his own business and not to the people’s. These other fellows (I can’t think of their names offhand), they are devoting their entire time to nothing but spending money and time trying to show that California will perhaps be on a level with Nicaragua if they are not put in charge of it.

I am not going out around the state making a monkey of myself just to let people see what kind of a man they would have in Sacramento if elected. I did all that before I was nominated.

Being a Candidate didn’t give me a chance to see the state. I had seen it before.

Mr. Bustamante made a mighty fine speech, considering the material he had to work with. A Democratic speech is hard to make sound reasonable, because they are not supposed to be. All in all Cruz did a mighty fine job of promising.

But I think my platform is more constructive. I will make up mine after I get in. Then in case I don’t get in why I haven’t had the trouble of framing up one for nothing. Nobody knows what they might want by October anyhow.

So I will give the people what they want, as they want it. But I figure on everybody being so well off that they won’t need anything. I wouldn’t have got myself mixed up in this Campaign if I’d thought I would have any problems to face.

If the election goes to the one who conducted their campaign on the highest plane, the Anti-Bunk would win in a walk. Our party has placed Dignity above Showmanship, so the majority of people don’t even know I’m running.

 

August 18, 2003

COLUMBUS: This California race has barely started and it looks to be coming down to a dog fight between Arnold, Cruz and the Anti-Bunk candidate. Some lawyers are working to delay the election so the other folks can catch up and get their votes counted. But they could delay it to November 2004 and it won’t change anything. Like a good race horse, I’ll just lay in behind those two, then on election day I’ll pull ahead to win by a nose.

Of course Gray Davis is out there reminding everyone he is still Governor. He’s about the only who thinks that position still carries some clout. Everybody else knows it’s only the candidates who have clout.

President Clinton is advising Governor Davis. At least that’s what he says. It may be just an excuse for him to come to California and confer with that other candidate, Mary Carey.

Arnold signed on his first adviser, Mr. Warren Buffett. You can’t get much better than Warren if you want to increase your portfolio. But for increasing your vote total, he may not be the best choice. In his first speech on behalf of Arnold, Mr. Buffett advised Californians to take three steps to prosperity: buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up to around a million dollars, vote to raise the real estate tax by $38 Billion, and then move to Omaha.

He said, “I own a $250,000 house in Omaha where my property taxes went up $2000 last year, and a $5,000,000 house in California where my taxes went up only $20, and that isn’t enough.” Then he kinda dropped a hint about the root of the problems Californians face. “One house overlooks the Pacific, and the other overlooks Nebraska. Other than that, and the price tag, they’re identical.”

And Arnold is getting advise from President Bush but no one can prove it. All diplomatic messages between them are routed through Switzerland.

Some folks figure he is also advised by the Kennedys but there is no proof of that either because it is conducted in the bedroom, and the Supreme Court says we can’t ask about anything transpiring in a bedroom.

It looks like I’ve got to dig up some advisers. In 1928 I said, “Henry Ford would be my Secretary of the Treasury. Ford could take our little dab of money that our Treasury has, and let him handle it a little while and he would have us out of the Red by Christmas.” So I figure I’ll follow the same line today and pick Henry’s grandson, William. If he can drag Ford cars back up where they were when they had the Model T, I know he can pull off the same miracle for California.

Arnold has George W. advising him, but the one person I would really like to sign, and the one who could practically guarantee victory for the Anti-Bunks, is Barbara Bush. She will likely have to decline, so I may ask Ross Perot. Maybe he’ll draw me up some charts.

Here’s more Semi-Historic quotes from Will Rogers: Only the names have been changed. (Life magazine, 1928)

Mr. Arnold Swartzenegger, I kinder hate to send you this challenge, for you are a good fellow and I think a lot of you, but it just looks like the only way we can get the “Issues” of the day straightened out is on the Platform in a Joint debate. You know the American custom is when you can’t beat a man at anything why the last straw is to Debate him.

There is just hundreds of candidates I wouldn’t waste a Debate on, but in the natural course of events it looks like I am going to have to take you and Lt. Gov. Cruz Bustamante on before the votes are in the can this fall. [Cruz Bust-a-mante is not to be confused with that other candidate, Mary Carey Bust-a-plenty.]

So I thought I would start in with you and see how I made out, and if I had any luck against you why then I would take on Cruz.

Now you are a man, and so is Cruz, that has got by without a lot of Bunk, and the debate might be that you both ought, by rights, to be in my Party, “The Anti-Bunks.” But what the debate could be, is that you both have let yourself be hitched to a Platform that is nothing but Bunk.

As a man is known by the company he keeps, I will show you that now that you have entered Politics you will be mixed up with more Bunk than you ever thought existed.

You may say the Issue is “Prosperity.” You will try and show that we are prosperous because we HAVE MORE. I will show where we are NOT prosperous because we haven’t PAID for it YET.

They tell me that Lincoln and Douglas had a debate one time, and they say Douglas won it, so even if I lose and just become as well known as Lincoln why it won’t be so bad.

Tune in next week for the Rogers-Bustamante debate.

August 10, 2003

COLUMBUS: Folks, sometimes an opportunity comes along too good to pass up. Maybe once in a lifetime.

For me, twice. The first was when I was tabbed by the “Anti-Bunk” Party to run for President in 1928 against whoever the Republicans and Democrats put up, which turned out to be Herbert Hoover and Al Smith, two fine men in their own right.

The second is this here Governor’s race in California. Now I’ve got nothing personal against Mr. Gray Davis. He is a decent man, but kinda like Mr. Hoover, he chose the wrong year to get elected. After looking over the five hundred or so who were talking about running, I saw where my unusual qualifications as a humorist could stand out.

No other candidate can claim to have moved to California as early as 1919, and spent a lifetime making payments on a second mortgage. No other candidate has served as mayor of Beverly Hills and lived to joke about it. I could say I have been in the movies, but so have half the others, and some of my movies have been just as forgettable as theirs.

If Arnold from Austria can run, and Arianna from Greece, why not an Indian from Oklahoma. Besides there’s a whole lot more Okies in California than Austrians and Greeks, let me tell you. If I put some effort into it, I can be just as difficult for California to understand as those two are. And we’ll all need interpreters if we expect to get the Mexican vote.

No one can offer what I can. Does any other candidate have a state park to offer the voters? No. Only I can give them the Will Rogers State Park at Pacific Palisades, 180 peaceful acres in the foothills of the Santa Monica Mountains. As a bonus they get polo every Sunday.

How about a day at the beach? The Will Rogers State Beach at Santa Monica is available any day to any voter willing to put up with crowded sand and a cold Pacific surf. Arianna doesn’t have a beach. In fact with her Greek accent she never even says the word “beach.” Afraid of insulting someone.

I am the only candidate with a plan to eliminate the $38,000,000,000 deficit. See, August 9 was way too soon to expect Californians to decide if they wanted to run. They need more time to round up 65 bonafide supporters and the $3500 filing fee so my plan is to extend the deadline till mid-September. I figure by then at least 11 million candidates will file, which if my McGuffey’s arithmetic is accurate, will wipe out the deficit.

August being a slow month, with not much going on but State Fairs and George Bush fund-raisers, I needed something to fill a column. Unless we take out Saddam or bin Laden soon, I may have to stretch these jokes out for a couple of months.

Folks, here is the real reason I decided to run. I already got all the speeches written out, from 1928. No need to change anything but a couple of names, and dates, and make it for just California instead of the whole country. Kinda like Ronald Reagan in 1980, only opposite.

So here goes, with Semi-Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (Life magazine, 1928)

Your “offer” (to nominate me for office) struck me like what the better-fed English authors call “a bolt from the Blue.” It leaves me dazed, and if I can stay dazed I ought to make a splendid Candidate.

Now I know after being nominated for anything, it’s customary after first buying a drink, to register modesty. In fact, the modesty lasts no longer than the drink.

Every Candidate always says, “Why there is dozens of men that is more competent to fill this office than I am.” Well I don’t feel that way about it at all. For after all, it’s only the office of Candidate that I am accepting. You know it don’t take near as good a man to be Candidate as it does to hold the office. That’s why we wisely defeat more than we elect.

I think I can accept defeat in as poor English as anyone.

I am heartily in accord with the Anti-Bunk Party, but by its very name it means that we will have no political support. Now I admit I can make a living outside politics, and when you admit that you can live without depending on politics, you lose right there the support of all politicians. If there is one thing that a politician hates worse than a recount, its somebody that is not in their business.

Now we may alienate the entire female vote, but there will be no effort for Sex Appeal. Of course if it unconsciously manifests itself, why we can’t help it. But it will by no means be one of the planks in our Platform.

In short our platform will be, WHATEVER THE OTHER FELLOW DON’T DO, WE WILL. Now no man would want a broader, or more numerous planked platform than that.

We make our platform as we go. If we get to a (county) where the farmers want relief, why we just stop and sell their farms for ’em, and give ’em relief. If we get to a place where the people claim they want lower taxes, why we have ’em sell their property and put the money in “Tax Exempt” bonds just like the rich. You see we are meeting the conditions as they come.

If somebody wants flood relief, we move ’em to higher ground. If somebody wants a Dam built in their section, why we let ’em do it through the Building and Loan. Any time you get ten voters you can rest assured we will give you what you want. We want every part of the (state) to do what they want to do regardless of some other part.

Now a word to the Republican voters, we won’t be able to pay you anything for your votes, so that will naturally eliminate all Republican support. And as we can’t pay the Democrats, they will naturally, if they have to vote for nothing, stay with their own Party, For they have been voting for nothing for years. So offhand its hard to see where our support is coming from.

There will also be no promise of jobs, for no defeated Candidate has ever been able to give anyone a job. So that is one bit of Bunk that will be eliminated early.

Our support will have to come from those who want NOTHING, and have the assurance of getting it.

To be continued…

# 284, August 3, 2003

MORGANTOWN, West Va.: This weekend West Virginia is celebrating two things: a holiday on sales taxes, and the local performance of the Will Rogers Follies.

According to the Sunday paper the tax plan is a giant success. The Dominion-Post reported that “older women, teenage girls and mothers with school age children” mobbed the malls searching for bargains. You would be surprised how far womenfolk will go to save six percent on a cotton blouse or pair of nylon stockings.

But if you want to get a man interested in a holiday from sales taxes, you can’t just make it the first weekend in August. The only place he wants to go in hot weather is to a ball game, drive-in movie or fishing. All he’s wearing is shorts and a T-shirt so naturally he has no interest in shopping for a new winter coat and long underwear. No, you’ve got to make it flexible.

Flexibility is the key for men. See, with the Flexible Sales Tax Holiday plan you give every man two free days a year. And here’s the days you give him: his wife’s birthday, and their anniversary.

Of course the stores will have to stay open late, for the unfortunate souls who sit down to supper before remembering the date. But if they have to be reminded they may spend twice as much, so that’ll make it worthwhile.

But if you really want to interest the men, have a holiday on income tax instead. They don’t care about saving on clothes and other non-essentials, but if you tell a man he can work for a week and keep all he earns, why no telling what all he could accomplish. He would work so long and hard, his boss might even kick in an extra ten percent bonus for the week.

Now the whole idea, from the government point of view, is to get everybody to be more productive, to get more done, to “put the national economy back on it’s feet.” So for this plan to work out a hundred percent they’ve got to keep it a secret exactly which week it is.

Then, at the end of the year, after you have accomplished a third more than you or anyone else thought possible, the government lets everyone know which week was tax-free. They’ll say, “It’s been a good year for the country, and the Republican Party too, and we’re proud to let you keep your entire paycheck for… the envelope please… the third week in May.”

And you’re thinking, “Hey, that was a pretty good week, but I did take off early that Wednesday afternoon. I better not do that again because it cost me.”

We went to the Follies Saturday night, and I’ve never seen it been done better. But it don’t matter if it’s put on by your local high school or community theater or a professional troupe, go see it.

You could tell several of these folks had played their parts before, and done it superbly. In fact “Clem” was in the big show with Larry Gatlin in Kansas City and Dallas last month, and he’ll be with them in Memphis this week and Atlanta next week. Whether you go for the music, the singing or dancing or just to look at pretty girls you’ll have an enjoyable evening. The long-legged one known as Mr. Ziegfeld’s Favorite draws attention, and she deserves it, but my favorite is, and always will be, “Betty Blake.”

Say, if you got your $400 income tax rebate check, you may as well just sign it over to your governor. If your state don’t need it, maybe send it to needy charity. There’s none needier today than California. Next week the Red Cross is setting up a relief station in Sacramento. The Salvation Army is collecting warm blankets for Christmas to give to despondent legislators.

[Note: West Virginia was the first state to put on a sales tax, in 1921, so I figure they’ve got a right to take it off if they want to, even if it’s only for a weekend when the Will Rogers Follies is playing.]

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Why don’t they use a sales tax? That is the only fair and just tax. Have no tax on necessary foods, and moderate priced necessary clothes, but put a tax on every other thing you buy or use. Then the rich fellow who buys more and uses more certainly has no way of getting out of paying his share. Collect it at the source, that is at the manufacturers. Don’t depend on the retailer. That way it would not cost much to collect….
No slick lawyer or income tax expert can get you out of a sales tax….
People don’t want their taxes lowered near as much as the politician tries to make you believe. People want JUST taxes, more than they want lower taxes. They want to know that every man is paying his proportionate share according to his wealth.” WA #99, Nov. 2, 1924

Weekly Comments # 283,  July 30, 2003

NEW ORLEANS: Here in the land of the old Kingfish, Huey Long, a whole passel of professional speakers is convening. Actually the convention just ended, not because they ran out of something to say, but nobody’s getting paid here and they’ve got to get back to earning a living.

So you folks that are on your way to a big meeting or convention where you get to listen to one of these National Speakers Association members, why you’re in for a rare treat. If the inspiration and motivation this week didn’t set them on fire, the Cajun cookin’ would have.

Perhaps the speaker that came the closest to Huey on oratory was Dave Yoho. Not that they would have agreed on anything, but Dave can move an audience like Huey used to could.

Back in the early ’30’s Huey had his “share the wealth” plan. Today Dave Yoho has a “grow the wealth” plan, and about anybody can get in on it. He says it takes energy, persuasion, optimism and discipline, those four, to make it.

He also said something that had nothing to do with his topic but got a good laugh, “If God doesn’t do something about Bourbon Street, he owes an apology to Sodom and Gomorrah.”

Now, he’s not the first one to notice a bit of hanky-panky going on down there. In fact the northern three-fourths of Louisiana has been preaching the identical thing for years, but the publicity just seems to attract more of the same. Kinda like a mosquito trap, it makes the swarm thicker and you can’t stand to hang around long enough to see if it works.

These northern Louisianians don’t have any more clout down here than a Democrat Legislator in Texas. The only way they can use what little clout they do have is to leave the state.

This time the Texas Democrats slipped over to New Mexico. The Oklahoma tourist bureau lost out on this particular outing. That’s a problem peculiar to Oklahoma. See, after you spend a solid week at a Holiday Inn in Ardmore, it just shatters any desire to see the rest of the our wonderful state.

They could have gone across the Rio Grande to ole Mexico, but some of them weren’t sure they could get back. The only way the border patrol and Texas Rangers let anyone sneak in is for ’em to sign an oath to vote Republican. It’s been that way for years, which probably explains the Democrats predicament.

Now California is just the opposite. Only Democrats are allowed in. They come in, pick the tomatoes and apricots and almonds and grapes, collect their California paycheck and send it home. Is it any wonder California is as short of dollars as Texas is of Democrats?

I know what else you’re wondering, “Were there any of those tall women speakers you are always writing about down there at your convention?” Yes, there were, about fifteen all together. They are outstanding speakers, not only outstanding, but upstanding.

But the woman that got the top award for the whole convention was not tall in stature, but had a heart as high as a mountain. I say “had”, because Pat Vivo passed away in May. She left a big family, and a list of folks a mile long that were proud to call her a best friend.

We lost another friend on Sunday. Bob Hope, thanks for the memories. A hundred years worth of great memories.

Over in Iraq we took out Saddam’s two sons. A cousin in Tikrit is about to collect the $30 million cash reward. That was bad luck for California. Gray Davis didn’t get there in time to finger those two, and win the junior division of the Hussein lottery. And he’s sorta occupied for the next few weeks when we’re liable to find Saddam without his help, so there goes an opportunity at $25 million out the window. If he sends a travel brochure and a sharp real estate man to visit these newly wealthy Iraqis perhaps California can at least benefit from the income taxes.

But the odds are they will turn out to be Republican, and land in Texas.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“I always told you that there was just three towns in the whole of America that was different and distinct, New Orleans, Frisco and San Antonio. They each got something that even the most persistent chamber of commerce can’t standardize.” DT #1649, Nov. 4, 1931.

“NEW ORLEANS, La.: These Louisiana people are the most friendly and hospitable you ever saw. Of course, there is two sides down here (but that has nothing to do with their hospitality). There is what I would call the ‘Longs’ and the ‘Shorts’. There is no mediums. Now they are trying to make Shorts out of the Longs and Huey is trying to make Longs out of not only the State Shorts but all the United States Shorts.
I visited their Capitol today, the finest in the world outside Finland. They have buttons on the desks and they vote by electricity. It’s a marvelous way to vote, but Huey runs the switchboard, so it don’t matter much which button the boys press, all the answers come out yes. But they are great folks.” DT #2647, Jan. 29, 1935.

July 20, 2003

DAYTON, Ohio: Here in Orville and Wilbur’s home territory they put on the biggest air show in history of aviation, not counting the one over Baghdad a few months ago. The U. S. Navy Blue Angels, the Air Force Thunderbirds, the Marine Harriers, the Stealth fighter and Stealth bomber, Army Golden Knights… they’re all here.

The Canadian Forces Snowbirds put on a fine show, too, flying as tight a formation as our own planes. It was mighty generous of Canada to send those 9 fighter jets down here because that’s about three-fourths of their fleet.

You couldn’t ask for a better day to celebrate a century of flying. And it was 34 years ago today another Ohioan from a few miles north of here, Neil Armstrong, landed on the moon.

There’s an exact replica of that first aeroplane here, and the fellows could have gotten it in the air today. But they decided keep it on the ground till they haul it to North Carolina in December. It wouldn’t be fair of Ohio to claim all this aviation history.

Speaking of history, this Ohio farm boy, Ben Curtis, went over to England and showed ’em how to play golf in a cow pasture. He didn’t need any practice, he just went over there and won the first one of those majors he played in. First time it’s happened in 90 years. It was a rough course. Tiger got lost in the hay, Bjorn is still trapped in the sand, and Vijay may switch to the LPGA.

Ben learned to play on a course his granddaddy graded out of farm land and woods. It’s at Ostrander, a few miles from where Jack Nicklaus learned to play years before on the big courses in Columbus. You just watch. Phil Mickelson will be there next week to practice. Iowa’s got their baseball Field of Dreams. Now Ohio’s got the one for golf.

There was more disappointing news from Iraq. We’re still losing soldiers over there. It seems we won the war too quick. If Mr. Rumsfeld had slowed down our boys, maybe Saddam would have kept his forces out in the open fighting where we could see them.

I know it don’t mean anything to most of you, but it hurt me to hear we blew up that statue of Saddam and his horse in Tikrit. As I said back when Saddam’s statues were being toppled (April 13), I hoped they could cut him down but spare the horse. We have to get rid of Saddam, but the horse never hurt anybody.

Tuesday I was up at Columbiana, east of Akron, where Harvey Firestone started testing farm tractor tires in the 1930’s. They have been testing tires ever since farmers grew tired of bouncing along on steel wheels. They have found more ways to torture tires than two teenage boys in an overpowered sports car.

These Firestone folks still haven’t forgiven Ford for taking their tires off Explorers. You park a Ford vehicle on their property and when you come out, you’re liable to find all four tires flat. But they’re good folks, and if Bill Ford has any historical sense (and common sense, too), he’ll get all his Fords rolling off the assembly line on Firestones the way Henry and Harvey and the good Lord intended.

I stopped in at Wooster for a celebration they call BioHio. The University has a big ag experiment station here. It’s not as famous as Firestone or the Wright Brothers, but it can claim some mighty prominent advancements in farming and food production. You wouldn’t feel much like flying around or even driving down the road if you were hungry, so they invited everyone to visit and see how their research contributes to a full stomach.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“A man that don’t love a horse, there is something the matter with him.” WA #88, July 6, 1924

“About the banquet at Mr. Ford’s, it was great. Every time I would waste some coffee out of my saucer it would be on a millionaire. I started to kick on my seat for the guys on either side looked like a couple of Ford dealers. So before I would sit down I made ’em tell. One said he was Orville Wright. I told the other one I suppose you are Lindbergh. He says no, I am only Mr. Mayo. Well, between a forced landing and an operation I was home.” DT #1011, Oct. 22, 1929 [The banquet was at Dearborn, Michigan, honoring Thomas Edison on the 50^th anniversary of the electric light bulb.]

“Just had dinner tonight with Thomas Edison, Henry Ford and Harvey Firestone and their wives. Say, there is the ones you want to meet. These three famous men, we know all about them, but you ought to meet these wives that made them famous. No frills, no put on, just three lovely wholesome family folks. Talked children and grandchildren all evening.” DT #669, Sept. 17, 1928

“I tell you turning your land into a golf course is the salvation of the farmer. That’s the only thing to do with land now, is just to play golf on it.” DT #593, June 20, 1928