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COLUMBUS: Did I tell you about the call I got from Tom Delay last month? Well, I don’t often hear from a Congressman so there didn’t seem to be much harm in listening.

Actually it was a very nice woman calling me from the office of the House Republican Leader. She said that Congressman Delay wanted me to become the honorary chairman of the Republican Tax Cut Plan for the state of Ohio.

Well, this chairmanship seemed like a lot of responsibility…for a humorist. Then she played a tape of Mr. Delay with his personal invitation for me, and he is sure persuasive.

The lady came back on and said I would be one of 360 chairmen for Ohio. That was a relief because I would only have to hold this title of Chairman for one day a year. She didn’t say exactly which day, but if it’s going to be “The Rogers Republican Tax Cut Plan Day”, it’s most likely April 1.

Since it is to be an “honorary” assignment, I figured that it don’t pay nothing. She said that was correct, and it won’t cost anything either.

But in the next sentence she said Mr. Delay planned to run a full page ad in the Wall Street Journal for tax relief. And for $300 I could have my name listed in there, along with all of the other great Republican honorary chairmen.

Now having your name listed on a page with 360 other men, times 50 states, what harm could it do? Why, that’s 18,000 names, and the print would be so small even a Young Democrat would give up reading before he got half way to the R’s.

But I turned ’em down. Then she said, “You can still get in for $200.” I said no again, and she asked, “How about $100, and you can settle up with small monthly payments.”

I had to laugh at that one. I’m not one to advise the Republican Party, but I wonder about this plan. Do they really want honorary chairmen for the Grand Ole Party who can barely scrape together $20 a month?

And honestly, doesn’t the Wall Street Journal seem an odd place to run an ad favoring tax cuts? I imagine 98 percent of the readers are already sold on tax cuts. And the other 2 percent don’t pay any.

Now I just heard today that the Republicans have been meeting this weekend at the Greenbrier Resort over in West Virginia. I don’t know if these Honorary Chairmen were invited to their powwow, but a stay at the Greenbrier could’ve been worth the whole $300.

I think I’ll hold out and see what the Democrats offer.

Next week we celebrate President’s Day. For a short month, we have had a lot of Presidents born in February. Mr. Lincoln, Franklin Roosevelt, Ronald Reagan, William Henry Harrison, and Washington so far.

They say any child in American can grow up to be President. But if you want to improve the odds for your next baby you might arrange for a February birth. And maybe include George in the name.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Now this is President’s Day. We generally recognize anything by a week. We have Apple Week, and Potato Week, and Don’t Murder Your Wife Week, and Smile Week… So somebody hit the bright idea, and they says, ‘Well here, if prunes are worth a week, the president ought to be worth something anyhow.’ And so they figured out they couldn’t give him a week, but they could – they compromised on a day.” Radio broadcast, April 30, 1033

“Republican presidents, they never went in much for plans. They only had one plan. It says, ‘Now, boys, my head is turned; just get it while you can.'” Radio broadcast, April 21, 1935

Folks, Will Rogers was one of America’s leading promoters of air travel in the early days of aviation. I figured you might be interested in his opinions (quotes below) on aviation safety compared to other means of transportation, and his admiration of the brave pilots. He kinda laughed off the fact he was in a half dozen accidents himself because he knew how important aviation was to our future. It still is.

COLUMBUS: America suffered another tragedy yesterday, not just America but the whole world. Columbia went down over Texas and took seven aviators with her. India and Israel each lost a hero. But the dream lives on, strong as ever.

Some newsmen asked if the space program should be stopped because it is too risky. Others wanted to know immediately what was the root cause of the problem.

Well, on the first one, these journalists don’t understand aviators. Of course there’s a risk, but do you think that will keep folks like Chuck Yeager, John Glenn, Amelia Earhart and Buzz Aldrin bound to the ground? Not a chance. Mr. Glenn said he would be ready to jump on a space shuttle tomorrow if NASA wanted him to.

On the second question, these NASA engineers say they are going to look at all possible causes, not just one or two that everyone wants to proclaim in tomorrow’s headline. There’s a lot of evidence scattered over east Texas around Nacogdoches that they want to look at. It is worthwhile for these newsmen to remember that a few months ago around Washington, D.C. they were intent on finding a white van driven by a local, middle-aged white man with a rifle.

Aviation has come a long way in the hundred years since Wilbur and Orville Wright from over in Dayton stopped repairing bicycles and built an airplane. And we’ve still got a long way to go, at least to Mars and back.

NASA is already learning how to grow wheat, potatoes, peanuts, beans and lettuce in zero gravity. See, when they go to Mars the astronauts will need to grow their own food on the spaceship, so they want someone who knows how to plant and harvest, and when to fertilize and irrigate.

So, on that trip they’ll take along a farmer. Now there’s a man who knows about risk.

Historic Quotes from Will Rogers: (on aviation safety, and great aviators)

“Every paper is raving about legislation to stop ocean flying because thirteen people have been lost, just a fair Sunday’s average in automobile deaths. From ten to fifteen is just about the number that are always in a bus when it meets a train at a grade crossing, yet you never see an editorial about relief from that.” DT #350, Sept. 5, 1927

“When will the newspapers commence giving aviation an even break? There were eight people killed all over America in planes Sunday and it’s headlined in every newspaper today. If there was a single State that didn’t get that many in automobiles yesterday it was simply because it fell below their average.” DT #549, April 30, 1928

“Just flew in from Santa Barbara and found a real, legitimate use for my polo field. We landed on it.
And speaking of aviation, I sure feel bad about this boy Carranza. I had flown with him in Mexico City. He spoke English, and he and I got very chummy down there. He was a fine aviator and a great young fellow. Mexico will feel mighty bad, for they were sure proud of him, and they had a right to be.
That’s one of the sad things about it. There has been and will be lots of fine pilots lost in developing aviation to such a point that it will be safe for a lot of folks less useful to the world than these fine young fellows are.
All America grieves with Mexico, for the boys like him belong to the world and not to one country.” DT #614, July 15, 1928

“I was just sitting down to write to you saying that I bet the minute Lindbergh’s arm was able he would take Miss [Anne] Morrow and fly again and here is the paper saying he did that very thing today [the day after an accident while landing in Mexico City]. I knew he would and that’s great, just another example of that boy doing the right thing.
Flying is Lindbergh’s business. He spent years perfecting himself at it. Because he tips over on his nose once out of a million miles, a lot of editorial writers start howling about it.
This thing of talking about ‘somebody’s life being too valuable to risk in an airplane’ is not only the bunk, but it’s an insult to the men we ask to do our flying. Where does anybody’s life come in to be any more valuable than anybody else’s? Ain’t life just as precious to one as to another?
We have heard that ‘can’t spare you’ attitude till we got a lot of men in this country believing it now.
So bravo, Lindy. You are bigger tonight than you ever was before, and that’s saying a lot. And bravo, little Miss Anne, you have helped aviation more today than you will ever know.
… Aviation is not a fad, it’s a necessity and will be our mode of travel long after all the people who are too valuable to fly have met their desired deaths by the roadsides on Sunday afternoons.” DT# 809, Feb. 28, 1929

“The plane accident was terribly, unfortunate, and it no doubt will have a tendency with some of the more skeptical ones to say that aviation is unsafe.[8 persons perished] Their death will receive tremendous publicity all over the country, but on Monday morning, when you read this, if you had the entire statistics of everybody all over our country who was killed today (Sunday) by autos, well, it will be lucky if it’s under twenty_five. Yet some of their deaths will never be published beyond their own country newspapers. Yet every one of them is just as dead as those on the plane.
So, sir, travel by air is here to stay, and all the doubt in the world can’t stop it.” DT# 973, Sept. 8, 1929

“Just flew in from Chicago…. I see where some airline is going to make aviation pay by taking it out of the pilots’ salary. When they start hiring cheap pilots I will stop flying. That’s what built up what confidence in aviation we have is the experience, character and dependability of our pilots. I think they are just about the highest type bunch of men we have.” DT# 1739, Feb. 19, 1932

“I had met (Jimmy Mattern) before he made this last round the world flight, but this was the first time I had met him since he got back from just about the greatest adventure that any aviator ever had. They have all had some pretty queer ones and are a great gang these aviators. Just about the most interesting fellows to talk to of any bunch of men I ever saw. Lindbergh, Wiley Post, Frank Hawkes, Jimmy Doolittle, Al Williams, Roscoe Turner, and dozens of others that have really done things.” WA# 559, Sept. 10, 1933

COLUMBUS: The Super Bowl has just ended, and Tampa Bay knocked out the Oakland Raiders (48-21). It was really the state of Florida against the state of California, and any time Florida wins that battle everybody knows it’s an upset. It is appropriate the state finally picks up a victory because this has not been a particularly fruitful year for football in Florida.

Our President is set to address Congress Tuesday night. He will inform them about the state of the union, but what they really want to know, and won’t find out, is the state of Iraq. He keeps his knowledge of Iraq hidden, about like his knowledge of every other important fact in the world today, it is all hidden. That way he keeps us on our toes. See, we don’t know if he knows all he claims to know, and keeps hidden from view, or if don’t know much at all and is just bluffing. Of course on this question we are not alone, because Saddam don’t know either.

On Iraq, don’t pay much attention to the big operations, the brigades of men (and women), and ships moving in. No, it’s the little operations that’ll get Saddam. Even if they have to take out a hundred Saddam impersonators to get him. It don’t take 10,000 soldiers, just a few of the right ones sneaked into the right places. (You know, if you’re going to look like somebody from history, Saddam would not be your first choice today. Better to look like a humorist. I don’t recall of any comedians being assassinated or bumped off, even if some of us from time to time deserve it.)

I read in the paper where a bunch of peace makers are going to Iraq. The say they want to serve as “human shields” for Saddam. I think that’s a great idea, and Mr. Bush will probably take ’em up on the offer. They seem to know right where he is, which is more than you can say about any of our Generals or the CIA.

If you happen to know any of these aspiring human shields, encourage them, and tell them to get over there quickly. Nobody has announced when the attack will occur, but the next New Moon would be a good bet. I think that’s around February 1.

If the groundhog sees his shadow, does that mean we have six more weeks of war?

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“BAGDAD: Finally found a telegraph office here. Persia was a hot stretch. You Bible students, stockmen and hunters better note this. Flew low all morning between Euphrates and Tigris. It’s all level prairie and uncultivated. The most animals I ever saw were there, thousands of cattle, donkeys, camels, water buffalo, deer, wild boar.” DT #1710, Jan. 15, 1932

“…what is Mosul? … It’s a province. Of course it’s not much of a place. It is not only a town, but it is an excuse for Turkey’s next war. So naturally it don’t have to be much of a town. Now where is it? It’s in Iraq. You don’t know where Iraq is? My goodness…

Iraq is a Country. It was discovered about the same time the dredge sucked Florida above sea level. Iraq has always been used as a summer resort for the Turks. It lays just west of where the Persian Rugs are supposed to come from.”

[Farther along in the same Weekly Article Will Rogers kinda interviews himself, asking a question, then answering it…]

“Do you think America stands very good with all the other Countries of the World?
We stand ALONE.

Well how good is alone?
Well, it’s pretty good as long as you can stand.

What would foreign Countries do if we needed help?
I think they would hold a celebration.

Do you think any of them would help us out?
Well, off hand I can’t think of a single one that would, unless it might be Wisconsin.” WA #164, Jan. 31, 1926

COLUMBUS: Since the end of college football season two weeks ago the rest of the country, and the world, has moved on. But not Ohio. Yesterday the state turned out to pay homage to their championship team. They held the celebration in the stadium, and 50,000 fans came out in 10 degree weather to see them. That’s the most that ever showed up to see one team. Lots of time two teams don’t draw 50,000, even when it’s 70.

The band marched and performed “Script Ohio”. Ten senior football players dotted the i, and not one of them has ever played a tuba.

Instead of one television station, where you normally get to see a game, this ceremony was on three. And it was covered by the Goodyear blimp. You won’t even see that at the Super Bowl.

Coach Tressel thanked the fans, the Mayor renamed a street, and the Governor asked everyone to buy more lottery tickets to help balance his budget.

That new street name is “Champions Lane”. At one point a railroad crosses above it, and it won’t be long till there’s a sign calling it “Tressel’s Trestle”.

War protesters were in Washington yesterday, and other cities, marching against war. The newspaper showed them protesting in different spots around the world, in just about every country except where’s there’s a war. Those birds are smart enough to avoid the line of fire.

They even had an anti-war rally in Iceland. Did I miss some news? Do they expect an invasion by Greenland?

Tampa Bay and Oakland are set for the Super Bowl next Sunday in San Diego. I expect several of those fans in Florida will fly out for the game. It’s pretty chilly down there this week so southern California looks mighty inviting.

Most of the Raiders fans will drive. They wear so much metal, they can’t get through airport screening.

Historic quote from Will Rogers: (exactly 76 years ago this week)

“COLUMBUS, Ohio: Dr. Wilce, the Ohio State coach, just showed me their new stadium, seating 100,000, built by hard study and excellent scholarship.
They can seat 200 students to every book in the university. They lost to Michigan by a kick after touchdown. [17 to 16, on Nov. 13] He has 400 students practicing day and night in relays to kick goals.

P. S. I suggested they practice making another touchdown, then they wouldn’t have to worry about the goal kicking.” DT #139, Jan. 14, 1927

Note: the stadium actually held about 62,000. Expansion brought the capacity to 100,000 in 2001.

INDIANAPOLIS: Governor O’Bannon announced that Indiana will build a new road into the southwest corner of the state. It took them forty years to survey the route. Actually it was more like five years to survey a half dozen possible routes, then 35 years of arguing over which one to adopt. This stretch of I-69 will connect to Mexico, if Kentucky and the other states can reach an agreement. Otherwise it just ends at the Ohio River.

Folks around here aren’t quite sure if the road is aimed at getting people to Indianapolis, or away from it.

When this road is finished Canada intends to truck their pork and lumber direct to Mexico without slowing down for any stop lights. We have told ’em, “That’s fine with us, as long as your trucks return filled with all the illegal aliens who would otherwise prefer to live here.”

Meanwhile, across the Wabash, Governor Ryan has emptied Death Row. You know, there’s governors in a bunch of states that are turning prisoners free to save millions of dollars for their budget. And others would like to immediately hang their convicted murderers for the same reason. But not Illinois. Ryan commuted the sentences of all 166 men on death row.

The governor told ’em, “I don’t know if you’re guilty or innocent because our judges and juries can’t be trusted. So you can live out your natural lives courtesy of the taxpayers. Free room and board for as long as our free medical services can keep you alive.”

Now I was wondering, why limit these benefits to death row inmates. Suppose, for instance, the Governor announced to all college seniors, “I don’t know if you have been properly educated or not. Our professors can’t be trusted, so you can stay in school the rest of your natural lives. Free room, board and tuition.” That makes just as much sense, and the cost would be lower. Maybe Illinois can afford it since they don’t intend to build any new roads.

President Bush announced a new tax plan this week. He says dividends that companies earn should only be taxed once, not twice. On the other hand the Democrats say there’s nothing wrong with twice, and if you insist on a change, why not tax them three or four times.

The President says most of the tax cuts will go to retirees, and Democrats claim most will go to the rich. I don’t know who’s right, but if both are that should solve the Social Security problem.

I’m in Indiana for another one of these farmer conventions. They have spent the better part of three days learning how to farm better without turning over the soil. It’s called “no-till”, and some of them have been farming this way for twenty or thirty years. See, there’s no need to till because there’s so many worms, bugs, mites, fungi, and other critters working away below the surface, if the farmer can just kinda encourage them to work together, and toward the same end as he is, he don’t need to rip into them with a plow. Just add fertilizer, and spray the weeds on time, and if the Lord provides some rain every week or two, together they can grow a good crop.

Well, I don’t mean to oversimplify the farmer’s job. It’s tough. But if you are driving along and look out your window and see farm ground that ain’t been plowed, don’t say that must be a lazy farmer. No sir, instead you should perhaps say thanks because they are keeping the soil where it belongs, on the field and out of the rivers. And feeding all those critters in the soil. Last evening after supper I got a crack at these folks. I reminded them that the Indians were really the first no-tillers. They just used a pointed stick to plant with. It’s not that they were so concerned about the environment. No, they were poor and couldn’t afford those newfangled John Deere plows. Of course that was before they discovered casinos.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“(President Franklin) Roosevelt wants recovery to start at the bottom. See what I mean? In other words, by a system of high taxes, he wants business to help the little fellow to get started and get some work, and then pay business back by buying things when he’s at work. Business says, “Let everybody alone. Let business alone, and quit monkeying with us… and if we prosper, naturally the worker will prosper.” That’s exactly what business says, and they’re justified from their angle in saying that.
One wants recovery to start from the bottom, and the other wants it to start from the top. I don’t know which is right. I’ve never heard of anybody suggesting that they might start it in the middle, so I hereby make that suggestion. To start recovery halfway between the two, because it’s the middle class that does everything anyhow.” Radio Broadcast, June 9, 1935

“American murder procedure is about as follows: Fool enough to commit a crime, dumb enough to get caught, smart enough to prove you was crazy when you committed it, and fortunate enough to show you was too sane to hang.” DT #468, Jan. 23, 1928.

COLUMBUS: This is the home of the National Champions of college football.

The whole state of Ohio is celebrating the Ohio State U. win over Miami, in two overtimes, 31-24, in the Fiesta Bowl. Of course, it seemed like half the state was in Arizona for the big game. Miami didn’t have anyone there except for the band and cheerleaders. And that is perfectly logical… if you’re in south Florida, and it’s January, why would you want to leave?

For this weekend, no other news is even allowed into this town. Nobody cares about budget deficits, tax cuts, Iraq, Israel, nuclear bombs, the stock market, lottery winners, oil prices, or how many Democrats have admitted they want to be President. And if anyone is gonna get cloned around here, they would prefer it to be one of the football players.

A year ago I predicted something that turned out to be true, and it happens so rarely I’ll reprint it for you: “Next year I think the BCS should pick the top two differently. Lately, those teams from the state of Florida have been so tough to beat, just let those Florida schools decide among themselves on one of the teams, then the rest of the country fight it out for the other.”

In a few days I’m going over to Indianapolis. If anything important is happening in the outside world they’ll let me know about it. Football ain’t doing so well there that it blocks out all other news.

Historic Quote from Will Rogers:

“The big Columbia_Stanford football game… Mr. Hoover was there, looked fine and got a big reception. He was the main old grad from Stanford…
But the game was in keeping with everything else that happened in sports, government and economics the past year. The experts were wrong again.” DT #2314, Jan. 2, 1934.
(Note: Columbia, with only 15 players, upset Stanford in the Rose Bowl, 7-0.)

COLUMBUS: The year is coming to a close, and there’s lots of folks kinda glad to see it go. It was especially not a good year for Enron investors, Martha Stewart, United Airlines, the New York Yankees, St. Louis Rams, Democrats or Trent Lott.

The Dow-Jones is off 17 percent. Nasdaq has lost 75 percent in 3 years. (Does that mean if it loses another 25% next year it’ll be down to nothing?) By the time we all figured out the best thing to do with our money was to bury it, it ain’t worth the bother of digging the hole. We don’t have enough left to fill an empty soup can.

Who knows what 2003 will bring. Prognosticators are saying that after Bush takes care of Iraq this winter, and North Korea gets whatever they want from us, and Venezuela starts pumping oil again, why things will look up.

I hope they’re right. But before you accept what anyone says is going to happen in 2003, make ’em show you what they predicted for ’00, ’01 and ’02. If they got those years right then they got maybe a 50-50 chance of hitting it for 2003.

One man that don’t need to worry about next year is that fellow Whitaker who won the lottery in West Virginia. He’s giving ten percent to various churches and still has a hundred million after taxes. He sure seems to be a nice man, owns a construction company, and says he’s gonna put back on the payroll some workers he had laid off. You know, I hope those workers, and the churches, appreciate the gesture and don’t slack off a bit from the tough job in front of ’em.

I keep waiting for some farmer to win the lottery. But it won’t happen… farming is such a gamble they feel no need to buy Powerball tickets or fly off to Las Vegas for the weekend. But if one ever does buy a ticket and win, I know just what he’ll say when the announcer asks, “What are you going to do with the hundred million?” He’ll ponder a second or two, and finally utter, “Well, I reckon I’ll keep on farming, as long as it lasts.”

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“We are obliged to read the usual New Year’s prosperity applesauce by our same prominent men who are always rich enough to see a great year coming up. And to show you they don’t know any more about it than Clara Bow, last year they had their usual hokum predictions, and in October we lost half as much as it cost to put on the war, and yet not a one of these predicted it. …. We know that the new year will look fairly rosy to Mr. Rockefeller, …. but how is it going to look to just plain old Joe Doakes?” DT #1070, Dec. 30, 1929.

“I have read New Year predictions till I am blue in the face about the great future…, but I have yet to see one word on what 1930 holds in store for the Democrats. And that’s the very thing that makes me believe us Democrats may get a break in the coming year. I base my faith on the fact that 98 per cent of all predictions are wrong, and on the fact that it’s an off year in politics and all off years are Democratic years.” DT #1071, Dec. 31, 1929.

“Well, the old year is leaving us flat, plenty flat. But in reality it’s been our most beneficial year. It’s took some of the conceit out of us. We had enjoyed special blessings over other nations, and we couldn’t see why they shouldn’t be permanent. We was a mighty cocky nation… We had begun to believe that the height of civilization was a good road, bath tub, radio and automobile. I don’t think Hoover, the Republicans, or even Russia, is responsible for this. I think the Lord just looked us over, and decided to set us back where we belonged.” DT #1384, Dec. 30, 1930.

“Mr. Roosevelt proposed in his speech that a lot of these government_regulated business ethics would be made permanent. Well, that was a terrible blow to some business men. They had figured they would only be required to be honest by the government till the emergency was over.” DT #2316, Jan. 4, 1934

COLUMBUS: I’m a few days late. I was waiting to see what the Republicans would do with Trent Lott.

While I was procrastinating, the Pope dumped Cardinal Law and Al Gore traded his “Gore for ’04” bandwagon for a hot tub on Saturday Night Live. This Christmas season has turned into a cleansing season.

Now Venezuela is looking at our Senate for ideas on how to get rid of Chavez.

On Thursday Senator Lott decided to give up being Majority Leader, mainly so the networks and newspapers could get back to Iraq and bin Ladin. Tomorrow he will turn the job over to Senator Bill Frist. So it seems we have traded a Mississippi share cropper for a Tennessee heart surgeon, which is a pretty good deal because we’re paying him the same amount of money.

You know, if Mr. Frist could convince ALL our health professionals to work for share cropper wages it would pretty much solve the Medicare budget problem.

You might be wondering if Trent Lott is the first public man to ever say or do anything that showed his prejudices and shortcomings. No, there have been a few, and not just Republicans.

(Rather than try to properly chastise Trent Lott myself, let me refer you to the Historic quotes below. Will Rogers was not shy about sharing his feelings about bigots. Remember, there has been more than one minority that has felt discrimination in America.)

One man you gotta feel for is old Strom. Here’s a man who has spent the last 25 years of his life trying to right the wrongs of the first 75, then along comes a birthday celebration that digs up ancient history and spreads it out where everyone is obliged to look at again.

In other news, West Virginia decided to let the 4-H kids learn about Indians after all. (see Weekly Comments #223, March 25) At their summer camps they will divide up into the usual four tribes (Cherokees, Mingos, Delawares and Senecas) for purposes of friendly competition, the same as they have been doing for 80 years. You see, the officials dug into history and discovered that, from time to time, there has been competition among our various tribes. Of course, not all of it was friendly.

These young folks will have to accept some restrictions out of respect for Indian culture. They cannot wear a feathered headdress, or put on war paint. They can’t say “Ugh Ugh”, or other terms learned from reruns of the Lone Ranger.

They will be allowed to hold Council Circle, light a camp fire, and use the traditional cheer of “How How”.

No word on one of the hotter Indian issues, whether they can own and operate a casino.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Senator Heflin of Alabama held up all Senate business yesterday for five hours. That’s a record for narrow views.

Tonight in his home capital (Montgomery) I am pleading with Alabama to please not exterminate all Catholics, Republicans, Jews, Negroes, Jim Reed, Al Smith, Wadsworth, Mellon and Coolidge and the Pope.

Of course, my plea will do no good, for Tom knows the intelligence of his constituency better than we do.” DT #174, Feb. 18. 1927

“…Jefferson sitting up there on his hill believed in equality for all. But he dident divide up the hill with any poor deserving Democrats. For Democrats were poor in those days, as they are today, and they were deserving then, as they are today. It just seems like they are the Lord’s unfortunate people.

…That old Andrew Jackson… all he ever did was pounce on the Indians. He had to be tough to think up all the things he had done to the Cherokees.” WA #313, Dec. 23, 1928

“The Jacksonian Democracy consisted of inventing the plan of giving everybody jobs according to how many votes they delivered to Jackson. “If he ain’t of your Party, give him nothing. Charity begins at the polls.” Then he would go back home, if he had happened to have been defeated, and pounce on the Indians and take it out on them. An Indian had no more right to live, according to old Andrew, than a Republican to hold a job during a Democratic Administration.” Saturday Evening Post, March 30, 1929

“Say, with all this argument we have had about what Mr. Taft said when he swore in President Hoover, why not bring out what Vice President Curtis said when he swore in the first six Senators? Instead of saying “with no mental reservations” he got his English and his Kaw mixed and really said “with no mental obligations.”

Being in the Senate as long as he has and seeing the type, why the chances are that he was honest with this government and swore ’em in that way purposely. After all, it don’t make much difference to the country how they get in there. How to get ’em out, that’s our problem.” DT #826, March 20, 1929.

“Mr. Coolidge administered last rites for his alma mater, the Republican party. To offset him, I have been asked to give a word of cheer to the party of Jefferson, Raskob, Heflin, and Borah….

My advice is, keep the Republicans in power. Otherwise you will add to the unemployment, for if you throw a Republican out there is nothing else he can do, while a Democrat must be able to making a living out of office. Otherwise he would not be living.” DT #1335, Nov. 3, 1932

COLUMBUS: The headline reads, “Post Office Found $28 Billion.” Is it just me, or does that seem like a lot of money to lose track of, even in Washington? Well, the Post Office has been putting money aside for pensions for years, and some accountant finally added it all up and discovered they had stashed away $28 Billion more than necessary. You would think Congress would be outraged. And they were. One Congressman yelled, “For all that money, just think how many new post offices I could have built in my District.” I guess it was an honest mistake. You might remember back when whoever won the election got to hire all the Postmasters and mail carriers. If the country changed hands every four years, it can add up to a lot of employees, and all of them expecting a pension. Well, we finally wised up and told ’em, “We’re not gonna let you quit work after four years just because we boot your brother-in-law out of office.” But the Post Office kept on squirreling away the pension money, like they were expecting these millions and millions of retirees. Now you might think the Post Office would find a way to give some of that $28 Billion back to us. Maybe sell stamps for 25% off through Christmas. Or give us one day a week when all letters can be mailed free. At the very least give us penny post cards for a month, just for old times sake. But no, there’s no rebate, no roll back, no sale on stamps for the holidays. All they promise is they won’t raise prices for 3 or 4 years, or until the $28 Billion runs out. They happily announced they expect with steady postal rates businesses will be mailing more advertising flyers, catalogs and solicitations. So here’s what we get out of the deal. We overpaid $28 Billion, and in return, instead of receiving five pieces of junk mail every day, we can expect ten. I think the Post Office owes the American people an apology as much as Trent Lott does. Historic quote from Will Rogers: “Say, you talk about a prosperous town (Beverly Hills). We can’t find a Republican poor enough to be Postmaster here. Even Democrats got money in this town and won’t take the job.” DT #126, Dec. 30, 1926

PLAIN CITY, Ohio: Some folks might have considered this place “plain” when there was nothing but German-speaking Amish farmers here, but today this town is as up-to-date as any city. The farmers are still here, at least some of their off-spring are, but this place is growing.

They’re building a new grocery store, high school, township hall, and new houses everywhere. It’s good for the town, but they are covering up some of the best farm land in the state.

I’m out here for an all day conference of no-till farmers at the Der Dutchman restaurant. Even the restaurant is expanding. They had to. There’s men around this state that keep an eye out for meetings scheduled here, and no matter the topic they’ll pay the fifteen or twenty dollar registration, and sit there all day, just for the privilege of eating the dinner at noon. (You notice I call it dinner… the food they serve is so good, and so much of it, it would be an insult to call it lunch.)

These farmers get together to learn from each other. For example, there was four of them that in an hour spouted out about 50 good ideas on how to grow more corn and soybeans for less money. Why if everybody in attendance went back home and put into practice what they heard, (at least the part that suits their situation), it would bring more prosperity to the countryside than the Farm Bill.

One man told me how surprised he was that these farmers shared all their best ideas with their competitors, “Can you imagine the car companies doing the same thing?”

He’s right of course. And besides, these farmers don’t have any books or tapes to sell. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Last month I mentioned a new book, “The One-Minute Millionaire”, by my friend Mark Victor Hansen and Bob Allen. It is already a best seller. But don’t expect to ever see a book called “The One-Minute Millionaire Farmer”. If ever such a book is written it would be classified as Fiction. And you would find it in the section of the bookstore marked Comedy.

Last week America celebrated one of our greatest of holiday traditions… shopping the day after Thanksgiving. Folks in other parts of the world don’t understand why we act this way. I think it’s the turkey. See, there’s something in the meat that when it reaches the lower digestive track it triggers a hormonal reaction in the human body, mainly female. It’s the hormone that says, “get into the car, go forth and shop.”

For us men, the third helping of breast meat kinda bumps up against a different hormone, the one that says, “go lay on the couch and watch football for four days”.

I been reading about these folks getting sick on cruise ships. For those affected it is nothing to sneeze at, but these reporters seem to forget that boat rides have been known to make people ill. (see Historic Quotes)

When you crowd 3000 on board, usually paired up in a compartment no bigger than a walk-in closet at home, it should be no surprise if by the end of a week a couple hundred have visited the ship’s doctor. But this news won’t slow down the vacationers. When it’s 10 degrees F at home, the Carribean is mighty appealing.

P.S. Happy 100th Birthday this week to Senator Strom Thurmond. I’ve been telling everyone “we” were born in the same year (1879), so they’ll be surprised to find out you’re so young.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Well I landed after eight long days of heaving forth everything I looked at. We left New York at ten o’clock; I ate a hearty dinner and then the thing came off… After that dinner on Wednesday I could not eat a thing until Monday. Then after various attempts, got a lemon and an orange that never managed to find the way back.”(from a letter to his sisters, sent from England, April 4, 1902)

“I was supposed to make a one night trip by a small boat from down the coast (in New Zealand, February 1904). Well the train I was on pulled up beside the Boat, and I knowing that I was going to be sick, rushed aboard right away, and I says to myself I will get in the bunk and maby that will help me from being too sick. Well it’s the paint, and that smell of varnish that does it. Well I got a whiff of it going down, and I crawled right into my bunk, which was in among a lot of other men’s bunks. Now I was under the impression that the Boat was going to pull right out. But this old sniff of paint had got me, and sure enough I started in being sick. I had the old Lunch Basket tied right on to the edge of the bed. (They have lovely little Cuspidors of a thing for Birds like me.) I sure was going strong. I thought well I havent got long to be sick, for we will be in there before long, and finally some fellow come in and asked another fellow, ‘What’s the matter with this Boat, ain’t it ever going to pull out?’
Here I was practically dying and the boat tied to the dock, we hadent moved a peg. But the old imagination had done some working along with the old Stomacher, and here I was dying and still tied to the dock.” WA #472, Jan. 10, 1932