Category: Uncategorized

#430, October 30, 2006

COLUMBUS: Last week I kinda fell into some old habits, what with misspelled words and giving you the wrong date for the election. I know it’s Nov. 7, and not Nov. 8, although for years I thought elections were held on Nov. 4. See, I was born on election day, Nov. 4, and I just naturally figured elections were always on Nov. 4. I may not have had the right date, but at least I had the right week.

There’s been a rash of news lately about medical research on what makes our brains work better. One bunch of folks discovered that marijuana delays or prevents the Alzheimer disease. Then, not to be outdone, another bunch announced their research showing that a strong drink or two every day is good for the brain. Then I read in the Sunday paper that eating three helpings of vegetables helps the brain function better.

None of those researchers seemed to know about the other two, so I propose they get together and test all three remedies on the same set of people. I got my doubts if it’ll work because once they’re high on the marijuana they’ll lose count of the drinks, and completely forget to eat their carrots and broccoli. So I’ll just stay with my old favorites of barbeque beef, black coffee and beans, with cherry pie on the side. It’s worked so far; Saturday makes 127 years.

The St. Louis Cardinals finished off the Tigers in 5 games. Decided they didn’t want to take the risk of having to win two in Detroit like in 1934, so they won at home. Maybe this is all news to you; I heard that practically nobody outside of St. Louis and Detroit bothered to watch.

When ballroom dancing with a bunch of amateurs draws more attention on television than the best professional ballplayers in the World Series, well, it just shows you how cockeyed things are today. Of course you can’t blame the dancers. If baseball wants to climb back to the top they would play those games in the afternoon and insist that every school child in America be allowed to listen to ’em on the radio.

Around Columbus, college football has knocked everything else off the tv, radio, newspapers and blogs. Ohio State Buckeyes are Number One, that’s all you hear. All these candidates in tight races can’t get anyone to listen to ’em unless they grab a microphone and shout “O-H” and wait for the “I-O” response. Today, they had to bring in Michael J. Fox to draw some attention to politics. Nov. 7 may be when the election is decided, but here they’re waiting for the championship to be decided on Nov. 18. To the rest of you it’s just the Michigan-Ohio State football game. But here it’s the World Series, Super Bowl, and Olympic gold medal all in one. The Game will determine whether Ohio is dancing with the stars, or Detroit (a month late) celebrates a winner.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on politics, and the 1934 World Series)

“We cuss ’em and we joke about ’em, but they are all good fellows at heart; and if they wasn’t in (Congress), why, they would be doing something else against us that might be worse.” Saturday Evening Post, July 24, 1926

“Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money to even get beat with nowadays.” DT #1538, June 28, 1931

“DETROIT, Mich. It was a great game, good to win and tough to lose. Detroit has been watching “Dizzy” when it should have been “Daffy.” “Daffy” has walked in unobserved and packed off two arms full of bacon. “Highschoolboy” Rowe was mighty good, but old McGuffey’s Third Reader Paul Dean was a little better. It just shows you got to leave school earlier and take up your profession. Mickey Cochrane was a real hero. He got crippled, but went right on and blocked ’em off that plate when they come with spikes blazing in his face.

Now about tomorrow. That’s going to be a real game.” DT #2550, Oct. 8, 1934

“We had a ball game… And we had “Dizzy” Dean. Anywhere “Dizzy” is, there is something happening, either for or against.

The Tigers put up a fine fight and, darn it, I did feel sorry for ’em in their dressing room. Nobody slapping ’em on the back, in fact nobody in there but them. Game Mickey Cochrane sitting there just removing bandage after bandage from almost all over himself. Real he men, in a he man’s game, with almost tears in their eyes but not squawking. They just said “Old ‘Diz’ had everything.” I can applaud a winner as loud as anybody, but somehow a loser appeals to me.

Over in the St. Louis dressing room it was a madhouse. “Dizzy” had a stuffed rubber tiger by the tail. He says, “Will, the championship remains in Oklahoma.” “Pepper” Martin and all the others were just plain “nutty.” It’s been a great series. I used to know all the old-time players and it was like a reunion for me. “Dizzy” ain’t dizzy, and “Daffy” ain’t daffy. They’re plenty smart and fine boys.” DT #2551, Oct. 9, 1934

Note: The Cardinals won Game 6 behind the pitching of Paul “Daffy” Dean”. Then “Dizzy” Dean pitched an 11-0 shutout to wrap up the championship.

#429, October 23, 2006

COLUMBUS: The World Series started up in Detroit, and the Tigers and Cardinals split the first two. That old fellow named Rogers sure showed those young ones how to pitch.

You baseball fans know Detroit and St. Louis played in 1968, but they had another memorable World Series in 1934. “I” was in Detroit for the first two that year, and returned for games 6 and 7. The Cardinals were led by two “well-mannered people from Oklahoma, Jerome and Paul Dean. Why they are the most likeable boys you ever saw. Jealousy and not facts nicknamed them ‘Dizzy’ and ‘Daffy’. Been out with Mr. Henry Ford today. He give $100,000 for the broadcasting privilege so he is dizzier than the Deans spending money like that.”

Today a hundred thousand wouldn’t buy but ten seconds on Fox. But Henry Ford made money despite the Depression, and young William Ford is losing Billions during a boom time. Wall Street jumped above 12,000 but nobody is cashing in any stocks to buy a Ford car.

Even if you don’t care for baseball it can take your mind off political ads for a couple of hours. Too bad the Democrats and Republicans can’t choose up sides, go at it for seven games, and the winner gets to run the country for two years. Of course the loser goes to Disneyland, and by March we’ll wonder if he didn’t really come out ahead.

There’s a way to eliminate the so-called negative ads. If the candidate would just go on television and say, “If you intend to vote for me, by all means go to the polls on November 7,” that’s all he needs to do. Any bonafide candidate that was a hundred percent successful in persuading all his supporters to vote would win in a walk. See, on average only one out of three cares enough to vote, so you got the other fellow outnumbered.

Over in Iraq things are not going well for us. Even Andy Rooney says we need a change. It was already bad enough, then Ramadan came along and the Shiites and Sunnis decided guns and bombs were better than prayer rugs. “They are pretty bad, these big wars over commerce. They kill more people. But one over religion is really the most bitter.” (WA #350, September 8, 1929)

Next week I’ll tell you how the Dean boys came out against Mickey Cochrane and Schoolboy Rowe in ’34.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“My idea of the height of conceit would be a political speaker that would go on the air when that World Series is on.” DT #683, October 3, 1928

“There is something about a Republican that you can only stand for him just so long. And, on the other hand, there is something about a Democrat that you can’t stand for him quite that long.” DT #1955, Nov. 9, 1932

“People don’t change under Governments. Governments change, but the people remain the same.” Saturday Evening Post, Dec. 4, 1926

Special Edition:  today is the 75th Anniversary of the most famous speech Will Rogers ever made. Appearing on a national radio broadcast with President Hoover, Will started off with a couple of minutes of light humor, then got into the meat of the issue. The official name is below, but it became known as the “Bacon and beans and limosines” speech, even though Will never used any of those three words in the talk.  News reel cameras recorded the entire speech,  and it is available today on video and DVD.

President’s Organization on Unemployment Relief Broadcast

Will Rogers

Now don’t get scared and start turning off your radios. I’m not advertising or trying to sell you anything. If the mouthwash you are using is not the right kind and it tastes sort of like sheep dip why you’ll just have to go right on using it. I can’t advise any other kind at all. And if the cigarettes that you are using, why if they don’t lower your Adam’s apple, why I don’t know of any that will. You will just have to cut out apples, I guess. That’s the only thing I know.

Now, Mr. Owen Young asked me to annoy on this program this evening. You all know Mr. Owen D. Young. You know, he’s the only sole surviving wealthy Democrat, so naturally when a wealthy Democrat asks me to do anything I have to do it, see? Well, Mr. Young, he’s head of the Young Plan. He’s the originator of the Young Financial European Plan. He’s head of the Young Men’s Temperance Union, and originator of Young’s Markets, and Young Kippur. And was the first Democratic child born of white parents in Youngstown, Ohio.

He started the Young Plan in Europe. That was that every nation pay just according to what they could afford to pay, see? And, well, somebody else come along with an older plan than Young’s plan, and it was that nobody don’t pay anybody anything, and course that’s the oldest plan there is. And that’s the one they are working under now. That’s why we ain’t getting anything from Europe.

So when Mr. Young asked me to appear why I said, “Well, I’m kind of particular. Who is going to be the other speaker? Who else is on the bill with me?” And he said, “Well, how would Mr. Hoover do?”

Well, I slightly heard of him, you know, and I said, “Well, I’ll think it over.” So I looked into Mr. Hoover’s record and inquired of everybody, and after I had kind of thrown out about two-thirds of what the Democrats said about him why I figured that I wouldn’t have much to lose by appearing with Mr. Hoover, so I’m here this evening appearing on the bill with Mr. Hoover. So now I expect you won’t hear any more of “Amos and Andy”; it will just be Hoover and Rogers from now on.

Now we read in the papers every day, and they get us all excited over one or a dozen different problems that’s supposed to be before this country. There’s not really but one problem before the whole country at this time. It’s not the balancing of Mr. Mellon’s budget [Secretary of the Treasury]. That’s his worry. That ain’t ours. And it’s not the League of Nations that we read so much about. It’s not the silver question. The only problem that confronts this country today is at least 7,000,000 people are out of work. That’s our only problem. There is no other one before us at all. It’s to see that every man that wants to is able to work, is allowed to find a place to go to work, and also to arrange some way of getting more equal distribution of the wealth in the country.

Now it’s Prohibition, we hear a lot about that. Well, that’s nothing to compare to your neighbor’s children that are hungry. It’s food, it ain’t drink that we are worried about today. Here a few years ago we were so afraid that the poor people was liable to take a drink that now we’ve fixed so that they can’t even get something to eat.

So here we are, in a country with more wheat, and more corn, and more money in the bank, more cotton, more everything in the world; there’s not a product that you can name that we haven’t got more of than any other country ever had on the face of the earth, and yet we’ve got people starving. We’ll hold the distinction of being the only nation in the history of the world that ever went to the poor house in an automobile. The potter’s fields are lined with granaries full of grain. Now if there ain’t something cockeyed in an arrangement like that then this microphone here in front of me is, well, it’s a cuspidor, that’s all.

Now I think that perhaps they will arrange it, I think some of our big men will perhaps get some way of fixing a different distribution of things. If they don’t they are certainly not big men and won’t be with us long. Now I say, and have always claimed, that things would pick up in ’32. Thirty-two, why ’32? Well, because ’32 is an election year, see, and the Republicans always see that everything looks good on election year, see? They give us three good years and one bad one. No, no, three bad ones and one good one. I like to got it wrong. That’s the Democrats does the other. They give us three bad years and one good one, but the good one always comes on the year that the voting is, see? Now if they was running this year why they would be all right. But they are one year late. Everything will pick up next year and be fine.

These people that you are asked to aid, why they are not asking for charity, they are naturally asking for a job, but if you can’t give them a job why the next best thing you can do is see that they have food and the necessities of life. You know, there’s not a one of us has anything that these people that are without it now haven’t contributed to what we’ve got. I don’t suppose there is the most unemployed or the hungriest man in America that hasn’t contributed in some way to the wealth of every millionaire in America. It was the big boys themselves who thought that this financial drunk we were going through was going to last forever. They over-merged, and over-capitalized, and over-everything else. That’s the fix that we’re in now.

Now I think that every town and every city will raise this money. In fact, they can’t afford not to. They’ve got the money because there’s as much money in the country as there ever was. Only fewer people have it, but it’s there. And I think the towns will all raise it because I’ve been on a good many charity affairs all over the country and I have yet to see a town or a city ever fail to raise the money when they knew the need was there and they saw the necessity. Every one of them will come through.

Europe don’t like us and they think we’re arrogant, and bad manners, and have a million faults, but every one of them, well, they give us credit for being liberal [meaning generous].

Doggone it, people are liberal. Americans, I don’t know about America being fundamentally sound and all that after-dinner hooey, but I do know that America is fundamentally liberal.

Now I want to thank Mr. Gifford, the head of this unemployment, thank Mr. Young, and I certainly want to thank Mr. Hoover for the privilege of being allowed to appear on the same program with him because I know that this subject is very dear to Mr. Hoover’s heart and know that he would rather see the problem of unemployment solved than he would to see all the other problems he has before him combined. And if every town and every city will get out and raise their quota, what they need for this winter, why it will make him a very happy man, and happiness hasn’t been a steady diet with our President. He’s had a very tough, uphill fight, and this will make him feel very good. He’s a very human man. I thank you. Good night.

#428, October 16, 2006

COLUMBUS: Back in Ohio after spending a week wandering around Missouri. Stopped at Boonville, home of Kemper Military Academy. That historic school shut down five years ago, and they’re still searching for a good use for those old brick buildings and hallowed ground.

Kansas City is one town that knows how to preserve and celebrate their history. If you’ve never been in one of those old train stations, you have to see this one to believe it. It is massive, and they use it for about everything. If need be, the Chiefs could play their football games in it. And yes, the trains still rumble through; it’s the depot for Amtrak. You can step off the train, walk out the front door of the station and look up the hill to see the famous World War I memorial. Nothing can equal that massive stone edifice for sheer size and imposing presence over a city.

Speaking of memorials, I saw on television some of the dedication of that new Air Force Memorial in Washington. “My” old friend, General Billy Mitchell, kinda laid the foundation for it back in the 1920s when the Army and Navy, and most of Congress, couldn’t foresee any reason to ever fight a war in the air.

Kansas City is getting geared up for the American Royal Livestock Show later this week. They’ve been bringing the best of the breeds here for over a hundred years.

Drove down to Branson to see some shows. This is a town that’s making history. It just shows what you can do with a small town and rocky hillsides if you build a whole slew of theaters, motels and country restaurants and leave room to park all the tour buses. Saw Dolly Parton’s Dixie Stampede, the Platters and a country music show, but missed out on the Gatlin Brothers.

You may think I drove all the way to Missouri to escape the politics back East. Even if it had been the purpose, it didn’t work. They got a Senate campaign here that’s just as down and dirty as the ones in Ohio, Virginia and Pennsylvania. This is a year when we should just load up all the candidates in railroad box cars, ship them to Miami and tell them to duke it out like those football players did on Saturday. Then after the Brawl has ended, you bandage up the losers, curse the winners, and suspend them all from politics for two to six years.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Missouri is a state where they breed mules and politicians, the best in the world of both.” WA #554, August 6, 1933

“Old Missouri? Some mighty poor farms but mighty good schools. You can learn something, but you can’t raise much. Boonville, one of the finest Military schools anywhere (Kemper Military Academy). I was two years there, one year in the guard house, and the other in the fourth reader. One was about as bad as the other.

Lots of politics in Missouri. Wherever you find poor soil you will always find politics. When you see you ain’t going to raise anything, you just sit down at the end of the row and cuss the party in power. There is a lot of fertile ground in that historical old state too, but the limestone ridges is where the long winded old congressmen come from.” WA #523, January 1, 1933

“Why last week when I was (in Kansas City), there was 17 hundred young boys and girls brought there by that great paper, the Kansas City Star, from over 30 states. They were taking vocational training and had led their various districts back home in the studying of farming, and stock raising, and had been brought to see the American Royal Livestock Show.” WA #207, November 28, 1926

“Twenty thousand people in Missouri gathered to see twelve farmers in the world’s championship corn husking. No wonder the farmer has nothing. If he had been smart enough to put these on under the guise of college athletics, hired a coach and a stadium, why then the farmer would be sitting as pretty as Notre Dame.” DT #1032, November 15, 1929

#427, October 8, 2006

COLUMBUS: All those little Amish girls died last week because a man never learned the suitable way to commit suicide. Used to be a man that was determined to die would take a gun and go off by himself and pull the trigger. But now it seems he ain’t satisfied unless he takes out a vast number of innocent lives first. It’s not just the radical Islamic terrorists, but ordinary men (and women), some who appear to be good, God-fearing Christians before turning into mass murderers.

Did you notice that these plain Amish folks are the most forgiving people in the world. They prayed for the killer’s family and mourned at his funeral. Who else would’ve done that?

Before you start hollering how dangerous our schools are, if these children were out on their own all day no telling how many wouldn’t be home for supper.

Congress adjourned, the stock market set a new record, and Republicans can’t figure out why nobody is shouting Hallelujah. Well, this “new high” just means it took six years to climb back to where it was before. And if you’re drawing the same wage as you were then, and look at what gas is costing today, why there’s not much to get excited about.

Congressman Foley resigned, and the Democrats say they want Dennis Hastert to follow him out the door, like he was supposed to know all about the shenanigans of this peculiar man. Now just imagine, there’s 435 members in your family and you’re the head of it. If one or two of them decide to sneak out to the woods or behind the barn do you suppose you could catch ’em?

For those of you who, a couple of weeks ago, couldn’t imagine how the negative ads could get any dirtier, well, thanks to Foley they have. Your only hope for peace in the next month is to turn off the television and radio. Just read the newspaper and skip over any offensive political ads. Come to think of it, that’s about how the Amish do it. And look how contented they are.

Historic quotes by Will Rogers:

“To show that we get along better without ’em, since Congress adjourned last Monday, business has jumped up like it’s been shot. Honest, the whole thing, it just went up like that. (Stock) market, everything; everything went up. Everybody’s feeling better. If they had adjourned before they’d a met, I expect we’d have been the most prosperous nation in the world.” Radio broadcast, June 24, 1934

“We all joke about Congress, but we can’t improve on them. Have you noticed that no matter who we elect, he is just as bad as the one he replaces?” Notes (undated)

 

#426, October 2, 2006

COLUMBUS: Congress adjourned Saturday. They drew a full year’s salary with practically nothing to show for it. But from now to the election all we’ll hear from them is what a wonderful job they did looking out for our interests, and why it would be foolish to saddle a different horse for the next two years.

As a public service for when you are listening to these birds, I will offer suggestions on how to sort the wheat from the chaff of political claims and denials. For those who say the mudslinging could never be any worse than today, I’ll include some historic notes that show it ain’t exactly a new tactic.

When a candidate is asked, “Where do you stand on (this issue)?” and he starts out with, “My opponent’s position on (this issue) proves he is out of touch with the majority of voters in this state,” why just turn him off. That shows you the candidate doesn’t know where he stands, has no idea where the majority stands, and will admit nothing till he finds out where you stand.

You give the banker his six percent and the businessman a good bottom line, they will be with you. Give the worker a good wage and an expectation he’ll keep receiving it, he’ll go to the polls smiling. You let a farmer have rain when he wants it and sunshine for harvest season, you can’t pry his vote away. Candidates pretend they know what the voter wants (just like columnists), but nobody knows for sure till November 7.

Democrats got a head start on this election. Two Republicans left office by their own admission. First it was Congressman Bob Ney for taking bribes. Then Congressman Foley was accused of crimes that are kinda unmentionable. He resigned, claimed he was drunk and immediately entered an alcoholics rehabilitation center. What I want to know is, when will we see a Congressman who’s accused of being drunk immediately volunteer to enter a rehab center for child molesters?

Democrats have figured it out: if two Republicans a week drop out before the election then we’ve got a chance.

Filled up today with $2.00 gas and I was mighty pleased. Then I read where last October it was $1.95, and I didn’t feel quite so giddy. But we have a short memory and if it’s below $1.90 on election day, the Democrats will be the ones requiring rehabilitation.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“It’s been what they call a clean campaign. A clean campaign is one where each side cleans the other of every possible vestige of respectability.” WA #515, Nov. 6, 1932

“Denouncing is not only an art with the Democrats but it’s a profession. You see they are out of the office so much that they get all the practice. But for what little practice the Republicans have had, why they are not doing bad at all. They, for amateur denouncers, are doing fine and may soon be as good as the Democratic denouncers.” WA #657, July 28, 1935

“… it’s awful hard to get a Democrat to resign. It’s pretty near as hard to get one to resign as it is to get him elected.” Life magazine, June 21, 1928

“Well the Campaign is degenerating into just what I thought it would. It started out to be honorable, but honor in politics is just as much lost as John W. Davis’s platform of “honesty” was in 1924… So it finally dawned on us that it was Scandal.

We dident know it was scandal, for in politics practically everything you hear is scandal, so a thing has got to be mighty scandalous to be worth repeating. Well the funny thing about it was the things they had been whispering was not as bad as the things they had been saying out loud.” Life magazine, Oct 12, 1928

#425, September 18, 2006

COLUMBUS: In news from Iraq, the government announced plans to dig a ditch all the way around Baghdad. They want to protect the six million that live there and keep out the outsiders. Yes, a DITCH. Why not…, the one between Texas and Mexico works so effectively. Only one or two million outsiders get across it every year, and it’s half full of water.

In Detroit, Ford says they will reduce their workforce and close some more factories. Folks just aren’t buying enough of their vehicles. I got a suggestion for William Ford and the new President they brought in from Boeing. Take off a week and read up on how Henry Ford practically invented the modern automobile industry. What this country needs is a new Model T, or Model A, and maybe a 1950s Ford pickup. Not exactly the same models of course, but cars and trucks that remind you of a simpler time when Fords were king of the road, but you could buy one on a pauper’s wage. We’ve kinda got spoiled on cars with air conditioning, power steering and automatic gear shifters. Does anybody today know how to work a clutch? So these new Fords gotta have a few more luxuries than the old Model T, where glass windows and a heater were optional equipment. But going back to Uncle Henry’s basics can get ’em out of the hole they dug themselves into. It’s so deep now they’ve got to have four-wheel drive to climb out.

Gasoline is down again. I filled up for $2.05 a gallon, and I heard Ohio leads the nation in gasoline prices. Ohio is proud to be first in something besides football. The Governor says we can’t be the best educated state, or the highest paid, or the lowest taxed, but by golly, we can have the cheapest gas.

Many of you probably think the price of gas is set by Exxon. Maybe when it’s going up. But when it’s coming down it’s set by Republicans. And in the weeks before an election they make sure it’s coming down. No Gulf of Mexico hurricanes allowed. Keep those wells in the Gulf pumping, and if you can, drill deeper and find even more oil reserves. Make sure it’s off the coast of Louisiana and not Florida, because any oil close to Florida belongs to Cuba.

I’ve been reading about the spinach that’s been making people sick across the country. It’s in the newspapers, but can you imagine the uproar if it had been hamburger instead of spinach. The tainted spinach probably came from an organic farm in California. They don’t use any chemicals on their crops and the E coli likely came from “natural fertilizer” in the irrigation water. So don’t go jumping on farmers for using chemicals to grow your food cheaper. They might make it safer, especially if the food is zapped with a small dose of irradiation.

Ohio gained two more prominent jailbirds this week. Republican Congressman Bob Ney admitted he took money from Abramoff and then voted according to the money instead of his conscience. The ACLU is taking the Ten Commandments out of our government buildings; that’s where they are most needed. And a former football star, Maurice Clarett, got a 3.5 year sentence for robbery. Kind of a coincidence, if he had stayed in college another 3.5 years he could have been a legendary player and got a degree to boot.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“Politics pretty quiet over the week-end. Democrats are attacking and the Republicans are defending. All the Democrats have to do is promise “what they would do if they got in.” But the Republicans have to promise “what they would do” and then explain why they haven’t already “done it.” I do honestly believe the Republicans have reformed and want to do better. But whether they have done it in time to win the election is another thing. The old voter is getting so he wants to be saved before October every election year.” DT #1917, Sept. 26, 1932

“We cuss ’em and we joke about ’em, but they are all good fellows at heart, and if they wasent in (Congress), why, they would be doing something else against us that might be worse.” Saturday Evening Post, July 24, 1926

#424, September 11, 2006

COLUMBUS: Below is, word for word, the Weekly Comments I wrote on Tuesday night, September 11, five years ago:

This is not a time for comedy. Civilization was attacked today.

The targets were in New York and Washington, but we ALL got hit. Yes sir, not just Americans, but everybody around the world who believes in freedom and democracy and fair play.

I was not going to write a Weekly Comments tonight. But then I thought, maybe a few of you would like to know how Will Rogers reacted to tragedies and disasters. Although nothing as instantly catastrophic as today’s horror occurred between 1879 and 1935, there were disasters that he wrote about. (See Historical Quotes for some samples)

First, I will do something I can’t recall ever doing before in any of these Weekly Comments. That is to include one of my own ‘historic quotes’. Here is part of what I wrote in Weekly Comments #47 on August 20, 1998: “News is happening so fast it’s hard to believe it’s August…. We had bombs explode in Kenya and Tanzania and Ireland, Monica and Bill took shots at each other, and just today we sent missiles cruisin’ after some terrorists in Afghanistan and Sudan. You might not have heard of this Saudi Arabian billionaire named Bin Laden, but you’re likely to hear plenty from him now. He’s got more money than many countries, and a bigger army than at least half of ’em.”

Historical Quotes from Will Rogers:

“Well, all I know is just what I read in the papers. This sea tragedy [sinking of the British luxury liner, The Vistrus] has just been about all we could see for the last 10 days, and it was awful hard to get your mind off it. Talk about stage plays and dramas, don’t they fade into nothing when a thing like this comes along! And the great part about it is nobody knows where, or who will bob up in the way of a hero.” WA #309, Nov. 25, 1928

“You read about the disaster in St. Louis and what the Red Cross did. No matter what happens, or where it goes to happen, they are the first there. That’s why everybody in America should belong to it.” DT #372, Sept. 30, 1927.

“I know you all read of the terrible movie theater disaster in Ireland yesterday. Well, I am going to Dublin on Wednesday to give a benefit for them. Cable over what you can, either to me at the Hotel Shelbourne or to President Cosgrave. It’s a real cause. Thanks.” DT #35, Sept. 6, 1926 (from London)

“No nation ever had two better friends than we have. You know who they are? Well they are the Atlantic and Pacific ocean. There is a couple of boys that will stand by you. And you can always depend on ’em, three thousand miles wide and a mile deep.” WA 537, April 9, 1933 (their value dropped a bit on Sept. 11, 2001)

#423, September 3, 2006

COLUMBUS: All I know is what I read in the newspaper. The 3 percent tax on long distance telephone calls was ruled unconstitutional. The IRS started collecting it in 1898, but the Supreme Court says they only have to pay back what they got from you in the last three years. The government gets to keep whatever they gypped from you in the previous 105 years.

If you remember your history, Congress passed the tax to pay for the Spanish-American War. They were so shocked when Teddy Roosevelt and the Rough Riders knocked out Spain before the 1900 election, they plum forgot to end the tax. Nobody complained at the time because nobody used the telephone, except to eavesdrop on the neighbors’ conversations. If you wanted to get a message in a hurry to a distant city or state, you sent a telegram.

Now you just watch…, some wily Senator will slip through a 3 percent tax to pay for the war on terrorists. He’ll put it on some obscure luxury, like hybrid automobiles, figuring it will take another hundred years before the Constitution gets wise to it.

You know, if we could wipe out these Islamic fascists in less than 2 years, like we did the Spanish Armada, we might not object to paying the tax for another hundred.

England apprehended 16 more Muslim terrorists yesterday. See, England taps into their telephone calls to Al-Qaida, then arrests them. Here, lawyers say the FBI can’t do that. In fact we have to send them a rebate check to cover the long distance tax.

Gasoline is down another 20 cents. Are you sure they’re still making it from oil?

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on Labor Day)

“Tomorrow is Labor Day, I suppose set by act of Congress. Everything we do nowadays is either by or against acts of Congress. How Congress knew anything about labor is beyond us, but anyhow tomorrow is Labor Day. It’s a day in the big cities when men march all day [in parades] and work harder than they have in any other of the 365. Even the ones that ain’t working labor on Labor Day.” DT #967, Sept. 1, 1929

“Every holiday ought to be named “Labor Day.” If we could ever get vacations down to where you wasn’t any more tired on the day one was over than on our regular work day it would be wonderful.” DT #2211, Sept. 4, 1933

“(President Franklin) Roosevelt thinks there should be a law saying how long you can work a man and the lowest sum that you can pay him. And the Supreme Court says you can’t do that. Well, that’s a pretty big question, but if there’s no way of the underdog getting any assistance by law, why, things won’t look any too rosy for the underdog.” Radio broadcast, June 9, 1935

#422, August 28, 2006

COLUMBUS: A year ago Katrina hit New Orleans and the Gulf Coast, and every newscaster on television is camping out down there to remind us of how bad it was, and still is for a lot of folks.

Some of those news hounds were kinda hoping for another hurricane to test the levees, but Ernesto decided to blast Cuba, and then maybe take on Florida instead of Louisiana.

There’ll be a lot of spouting this week in newspapers and on radio and TV about how to rebuild New Orleans. Considering that less than half the population has moved back, maybe the “Rogers Plan” of 2005 is as good as any.

Here are pieces of two columns I wrote last year, Sept. 14 and October 12:

The President will go on television tomorrow night (Sept 15, 2005), probably announcing what he would do different for the next Hurricane. I don’t want to interfere with anything he might say, but I have heard we will give New Orleans at least $100 Billion for relief.

For that you ought to be able to buy New Orleans, at least the part below sea level. In fact if we’re going to spend it, that would be a great thing to spend it on because you would only have to spend it once. For a family living in a $50,000 house below sea level, it will cost at least $100,000 to rebuild it, and the next hurricane it’ll get flooded again and cost us $150,000. So let’s buy it once, and let it flood. We’ll at least have the pleasure of knowing somebody can go fishing on our investment.

We know these folks want to go right back where they lived, and who can blame them. But let’s make sure where they build is above water level, even if they have to move a mile or two uphill from the old homestead. Anybody that insists on living below sea level, let ’em rebuild in Death Valley.

Here’s the Rogers Plan for a higher, dryer New Orleans. You take all the area that’s below sea level, and divide it roughly in half. Let’s say for illustration purposes that entire flooded area is 2000 acres. The half that’s the lowest (deepest) will be dug out even deeper, maybe 10 to 20 feet deeper than it is now, and let it fill with water. And you use the fill dirt you took from that half to build up the other half, so where now you have 2000 acres that’s likely to flood every now and again, after we move all that dirt, you’ll have a beautiful1000 acre lake, and 1000 acres of dry land, ready to build on. Of course, we’ll use some of that fill material to raise and strengthen the levees.

The secret to this whole Rogers Plan, and how we can do it for a fraction of $200 Billion, is to hire all those unemployed men and women that want to return to New Orleans, give ’em a mule and a scoop, and put ’em to work, just like the farmers that built the levees after the 1927 flood. If you’ve ever been to New Orleans you know they have a lot of mules, and they’re all pulling carriages filled with tourists. That’s kind of a waste of valuable horsepower, but at least it has kept them in good physical condition. (The mules, not the tourists.)

Any shortage of mules can be filled by going up to Tennessee and buy a few thousand at auction. For scoops, well, we’ll ask Mr. Ford to shut off production at his SUV factories for a week (nobody is buying ’em anyway), and build scoops. It’ll keep the auto workers occupied, and make ’em feel like they are contributing to a good cause.

There you have the ingredients of the Rogers Plan: a New Orleans worker, a Louisiana/Tennessee mule and a Ford scoop. Let’s see Bush and the Army Engineers top that.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“I don’t really believe that 80 or 90 per cent of the people realize just what flood disaster means, and what type of people it is that lost most by this particular horror. An Earthquake, a Fire, a Tornado, or anything like that is over in a few minutes. You know what you lost and you know what you got left. But look at this particular flood we have been reading of it for over 6 weeks. If your house burns out in the country you can run over to some one else’s and stay, but with this when yours go, your neighbor’s go too.” WA#230, May 8, 1927

To hear an interview with “Will Rogers”, click on this site:
http://www.thesop.org/article.php?id=1955      Judyth Piazza is the host. There are about 30 seconds of other stuff before the interview begins… This site has interviews with other interesting folks, including some real “characters”, such as Presidents Abe Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt.