Category: Uncategorized

#411, May 29, 2006

COLUMBUS: The calendar says it’s May and I know this is Memorial Day, but the temperature says August. The heat has even affected Congress. (At least we hope it’s the heat because that’s a temporary affliction.) The House passed an Immigration bill, then the Senate passed an Immigration bill that’s exactly the opposite of the House bill. It’s hard to believe these folks were elected in the same country.

Immigration is still the big argument today, except for a brief pause to pay tribute to all our soldiers who died defending our rights to have these arguments. Before the speeches ended, in Iraq and Afghanistan a few more were added to the rolls of fallen heros.

Indonesia had another earthquake. They claimed they were looking for a volcano eruption, and the quake caught them from behind. Between tsunamis, volcanos, quakes and military uprisings, Indonesia gets hit with disasters about as often as Florida gets a hurricane. Of course we’ll help ’em, but probably not as fast as the UN wants us to.

Ohio voted against English as our official language. See, Ohio is practically begging Honda to build another automobile plant here and hire some of the 200,000 Ohioans laid off by GM, Ford and other manufacturers. The Legislature was split down the middle on whether to stick with English or switch the state entirely to Japanese.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on Immigration and Decoration Day)

“Another Decoration Day passed and Mr. Abraham Lincoln’s 300-word Gettysburg Address was not dethroned. I would try and imitate its brevity if nothing else. Of course, Lincoln had the advantage; he had no foreign policy message to put over. He didn’t even have a foreign policy. That’s why he is still Lincoln.” DT #268, May 31, 1927

“A sure certainty about our Memorial Days is as fast as the ranks from one war thin out, the ranks from another take their place. Prominent men run out of Decoration Day speeches, but the world never runs out of wars. People talk peace, but men give their life’s work to war. It won’t stop till there is as much brains and scientific study put to aid peace as there is to promote war.” DT #888, May 31, 1929

“I read the new census. Talk about putting a quota on immigration. Why, the Yankees are swarming into the South like locusts.” DT #1201, June 1, 1930

[Near the end of the 1928 Presidential campaign between Herbert Hoover and Al Smith….] “Well there goes that Radio (ad) again. ‘If I am elected, I will pledge myself to relieve the Farmer. I will enforce the law, restrict immigration, and ___ ___.’ Oh, applesauce. I will be glad when it’s all over.” WA #304, October 21, 1928

#410, May 21, 2006

HORNER, West Va.: The Senate voted to make English the official language of the United States. Some of you will recollect that the state of West Virginia voted last April to make English the official language, so it only took 13 months for the news to reach Congress. [Interested readers looking at Weekly Comments on my web site can click on Archives. Then scroll to number 363, April 24, 2005]

If this gets adopted the next argument will be over “whose English is official”. West Virginia jumped in first, but others will say the English spoken in Massachusetts is preferred, or Alabama, or Oklahoma. Should the English language used by teenagers in Instant Messages be official? That would sure make our books and newspapers shorter, but to us old folks it’s Greek.

I’m in West Virginia today for the Eatin’, Singin’ and History Festival. It went over so good last year the radio station WHAW decided to broadcast it again. Along with all the gospel, country and bluegrass singing, they added Bum the Wonder Horse to the bill and he put on a wonderful show. “I” had a favorite horse one time named Dopey, and just like Bum, the name was no reflection of his intellect. Bum knows colors, numbers, and understands hundreds of words. In fact if understanding English is what it takes to be a citizen, then he qualifies.

Jack Caldo, who used to be on WHAW in the early days of radio (1950s and 60s), was back in town to MC the show. Folks seemed as pleased to see him sorta brought back to life as they were me. When Jack first saw the script, and read where he was supposed to introduce “Bum the Wonder Horse”, and later on “Will Rogers”, he thought maybe the whole show was a joke.

This county is home to the old insane asylum, the Weston State Hospital, a huge historic structure of hand cut stone. It’s empty now, but a fellow wrote a new book kinda based on it. He called it “The Hospital: Rude Awakenings”. It’s a scary ghost story, fiction of course, but it’s got as much truth in it as The Da Vinci Code.

Sure hated to see that race horse break his leg in the Preakness. The veterinarians who put it back together are saying Barbaro’s got a good chance of walking again.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“A man that don’t love a horse, there is something the matter with him. If he has no sympathy for the man that does love horses then there is something worse the matter with him.” WA #88, August 17, 1924.

“Excuse me for keeping my hat on, but I’m gettin’ just a little gray and I don’t want it to show over the radio.” Radio broadcast, March 31, 1935

#409, May 15, 2006

COLUMBUS: President Bush announced his plan to use the National Guard to secure the Mexican border. The news hounds had been saying for days that’s what he would unveil to the country, and if he had stopped there, his popularity would have shot up. But like any politician, you give him a national audience he can’t stop at 5 minutes. He felt compelled to dive into other immigrant problems and the longer he talked the more he lost.

I read where alligators killed three people in Florida, and I think President Bush is overlooking a border solution. Florida’s got an excess of gators, so ship a few thousand of ’em to the Rio Grande.

Now a few folks have remarked that I seem kinda down on illegal immigrants, and perhaps I should welcome them. I have nothing against any of them individually and mean no harm. But I come by my opinion honestly, as you will see if you to reread my Weekly Comments of April 1.

Not everybody is happy with the Bush border plan. The mayor of El Paso said on ABC television that it’s the states up north clamoring for troops along the border. “Put the National Guard in states like West Virginia, Ohio and Wisconsin, and see how they like it.” Well, I think Senator Byrd would welcome a few thousand troops to the Mountain State, as long as they are paid for with federal tax dollars. Anything to draw more tax dollars into the state, he’s for it. Ohio’s Governor Taft might not object either, and he would use them to keep Ohioans from leaving, not to keep immigrants out.

Wisconsin is a different story. The only way immigrants can sneak in is to swim across Lake Superior. Any man who can survive that is one tough hombre, just the kind Wisconsin’s looking for. They would put them to work cutting timber in the north woods, and the best ones could play defense for the Packers.

Now I know the El Paso mayor means well, but I wouldn’t criticize the National Guard if I was him because when they build that new border fence, they might put it on the north side of town.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“(In Mexico, Dwight) Morrow calls himself Ambassador from the United States, not America. You know Mexico feels, and with some slight justification, that they are in America too. They don’t feel that America ends at the Rio Grande River. Of course they may be wrong, but they are just childish enough to feel that way. But we always speak of ourselves down there as being From America, as though they were in Asia.

… Nature so provided that the worst part of Mexico joins us. If it hadent been we would have taken any good part long ago.” Saturday Evening Post, May 19, 1928

#408, May 8, 2006

CANTON, Ohio:  Mexico changed it’s mind on drugs. Yes, after Mr. Fox announced marijuana, cocaine and all these other drugs would be legal, why the outflow of Mexicans northward ground to a halt. Remember the millions that took off work last Monday? By Tuesday a million of them were back on home soil, already high in Tijuana, Juarez and Matamoros.

President Fox is a smart man, and sensing an end to Mexico’s biggest national product (Yankee dollars), he reversed himself and said Mexico will stay tough on drugs. From now on, or as long as he’s in office, drugs are illegal, except the ones marked for export to the U. S.

Did you see the survey that showed a third of our young adults can’t find Louisiana on a map? Lots of other places they couldn’t locate either. We’ve been laughing for years at the young fools Jay Leno interviews as he’s “Jay Walking”, and here we find out they’re in the majority. It’s bad news and good news: they’re old enough to vote, but they’re unlikely to ever find the polling place.

Here’s a long term solution to our geography ignorance. Every baby that’s born, send them home with one of those puzzle maps with all fifty states, and they’re not allowed into kindergarten unless they can name and locate all fifty. And they can’t get into first grade until their parents can name the state capitals.

President Bush received a letter from the former terrorist who’s running Iran. It was 18 pages, and he was impressed with the length, “It’s longer than my college thesis.” After reading all the fine print and pondering over it, he and Secretary Rice decided it read less like a Nuclear Peace Offering, and more like a man announcing his candidacy for 2008. Get a copy of it if you can, and read it. You’ll agree it looks better than most Party Platforms we come up with every four years, and just as likely to ever be followed.

The so-called approval ratings of Congress and President Bush are so low only about a third like the job they’re doing. That’s not good in an election year and reminds me of 1932. “There is one thing you can bet on this year. No voter is going to do anything that a politician thinks he will do. The way most people feel, they would like to vote against all of ’em if it was possible.” (DT #1797, April 27, 1932)  (more below…)
*****************************************************************************
How’s this for a testimonial? “What a great ‘Uncle Will’ you did for the Western Arts Convention (Apr. 22 at Claremore, OK). Your quotes were well chosen and your mannerisms were so exactly like I remember Uncle Will. Thanks for keeping him alive still today. Hope you carry on like this for many years.” Doris “Coke” Lane Meyer, Bartlesville, OK  (Will’s grand neice)
*******************************************************************************
Remember two weeks ago I joked about bringing rain to Oklahoma? Well, it rained the day I left, and since then Claremore has had 7 inches. I may have underestimated myself. I see where the drought has moved to Florida, and grass fires are breaking out. I’m willing to go down there for the right offer and try my hand at rainmaking again. But like a Wall Street broker, past success is no guarantee of future showers.

I’m here in Canton, home of President William McKinley and the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Today it’s home to a convention of bankers, or at least the computer folks that provide all the Information Technology for the banks. Their job is to provide the equipment and write the software that makes a modern bank as fast, accurate, honest and burglar proof as the tellers used to do with pencil and paper and a Winchester. They chuckled at my jokes on the bankers, but not as much as ones on lawyers, farmers and Democrats.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“The banker, the lawyer, and the politician are still our best bets for a laugh. Audiences havent changed at all, and neither has the three above professions. And incidentally comedians havent improved.” WA #659, August 11, 1935

“Branch banks are all the go now. They realize they have got to bring the bank nearer the robber. He won’t be annoyed by driving through [downtown] traffic just to rob a bank. The branch bank is the robbers’ only salvation.” DT #393, October 25, 1927

#407, May 1, 2006

COLUMBUS: This is a new national holiday. The first one created by immigrants since Thanksgiving.

The presidents of Hormel, Tyson and the other big meat packers announced that May 1 will be “Meatless Monday”. They made the announcement in Spanish, and their message, loosely translated into English, means, “Let ’em eat Spam.” Our farmers and ranchers are raising 100 percent American beef, and these meat packers want you to believe if it wasn’t for Mexicans you would have to buy it on the hoof and butcher it yourself.

May 1, 2006, will go down in history as the red letter day for automation. Today, all over the country, engineers are working overtime to build robots and machines to do all the jobs these folks walked out on. Businessmen will pour in millions of dollars to rush the work. You just watch, in five years they will have a big plant where hogs and steers walk in one end and steaks and pork chops go out the other. The only thing inside will be machines with one man making $200 an hour operating ’em all by computer.

And hotels… each room will come equipped with it’s own robot to make up the bed, clean the sheets and towels and carpet, and even hand you the soap after you’re in the shower. It will wake you in the morning and hand you a chocolate mint at night. Unwrapped.

There won’t be a farm commodity you can name that won’t be planted, cared for, and harvested automatically. Grapes, strawberries, raspberries, almonds, tomatoes. Even the tractors won’t have drivers, just a person in a control tower somewhere running a dozen at a time.

President Bush came out against the Spanish version of our Star Spangled Banner. He said it should only be sung in English, and “anybody that wants to be an American citizen should know how to sing it.” He went a little overboard on that last comment. He’ll back off when he realizes at least two-thirds of us would be deported, led by Roseanne Barr.

I don’t understand why folks working here legally are marching in support of the illegal ones. Just suppose, for example, you had bought a ticket to a big game, say, the Rose Bowl football championship. You arrive early along with the other 100,000 ticket holders, only to find that someone had left a gate open and about 20,000 had already sneaked inside. And one of them is in your seat. I kinda doubt you would be thrilled, so you find a police officer. You explain that someone is illegally in your seat, and you want him evicted. The policeman says, “I understand your predicament, but so many sneaked in without tickets there’s no way we can clear ’em all out. Enjoy the game.”

You know, instead of a day, why don’t they take off a week, or the whole month. Don’t work, don’t buy anything, and while they’re at it, maybe they could stay out of hospitals and emergency rooms, and public schools. Well, I probably went overboard myself there at the end.

Give Mexico credit. Last week they announced a plan that will slow down movement across our border, and might cause a few million Americans to move south of the Rio Grande. They made it legal to use drugs.

Congress is threatening to break up Big Oil because they made $8 profit for every $100 they took in. One Senator said patriotic Americans should buy only from companies that make less than 8%, and refuse to use any product from a company making more. He backed off when someone explained he was encouraging people to stop using Tide, Pepsident and Google, but to go out a buy a big GMC pickup.

The government has taken on the oil companies before, and it didn’t work: “One time the Government split up Standard Oil into 31 parts, and in two years each one of the 31 was bigger than the original. So it looked like they just thrived on being split up.” (WA #378, March 23, 1930)

Yesterday gasoline cost around $2.75 to $2.90 most places in Ohio, but Wal-Mart was selling it for $2.63. Now that puts some people in a pickle. They want to boycott Exxon because it is so big, yet Wal-Mart can sell for less… because it is so big.

I told you last week I had a solution to traffic jams in Claremore caused by the railroads. There are two railroads and fifteen grade crossings, and the mayor would like the railroads to fix the problem. First, it is only fair to point out that the two railroads have been in Claremore more than a hundred years, no change. What has changed is the cars. A solution that will work in 2006 is the same one I proposed in 1924. “The only way to solve the traffic problem of this country is to pass a law that only paid-for cars are allowed to use the highways. That would make traffic so scarce that we could use our Boulevards for children’s play grounds.” (WA #56, January 6, 1924)

In other old business from Claremore, I wanted to tell you about more of the Wild West competition. The award for Trick Roper of the year went to Kenneth Durham, who also won the “horse catch”. The best young roper is Cody Lamb. Darrell Hawkins received the Montie Montana award for Showmanship. The gun spinning champion was Paula Saletnik, better known as Pistol Packing Paula. The best trick riders, men and women, were Shawn Brackett and Loretta Pemberton. There’s a lot more champions in more categories, and I don’t mean to slight any of them. Next year plan to go to Claremore in April and you can meet them yourself.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“United States Marines landed at Vera Cruz, Mexico, to protect Standard Oil interests. Next week Standard Oil, in repayment for Marines’ courtesy, raised price of gas 3 cents.” WA #111, January 25, 1925

#406, April 24, 2006

CLAREMORE, Okla.: I came to Oklahoma looking for cheap gasoline, and word must have got out about the visit because in the last couple of weeks they raised the price thirty cents. So stay where you are; it sho’ don’t pay to drive 500 miles to save a nickel.

The President must have read my little joke last week about Frank Phillips saying the oil men were going to Washington to draw up a code of ethics. This week he’s appointing a commission to look into the oil pricing scheme. He wants them to investigate why every time a new car is sold in Shanghai, gas goes up ten cents in Tulsa. It’s like a riddle: China buys more cars, gas prices go up; Americans buy fewer cars, and gas prices still go up.

Whether the Toyota is bought in Beijing or Baltimore, it’s paid for with American dollars. Only difference is China pays for it in cash.

During the Great Depression, I made a comment in a 1931 radio address that gets quoted fairly often, “We’ll hold the distinction of being the only nation in the history of the world to go to the poor house in an automobile.” Today, you might go in your automobile, but if you can’t afford gas you’ll have to get somebody to push it.  (More below)

**************************************************************
The Daily Progress  (Claremore) wrote a front page feature Tuesday, Apr. 25. It don’t exactly rank with The Second Coming, but some folks thought it was. Click on: http://claremoreprogress.com/archive/article25813
Did I tell you this has been my favorite newspaper for over a hundred years?
******************************************************************

The main reason I came to Claremore, along with over 300 other folks, was for the “Will Rogers Wild West International Expo Convention-Competition”. It may not be the biggest gathering ever held in Oklahoma but it is the longest named. About 30 states were represented, and several countries. Trick roping, trick riding, gun spinning, knife throwing, mounted shooting, and whip cracking were major draws. Ben Hughes of Tasmania, Australia, won the whip cracking, Doug Smith of Ohio won the Texas Skip, and Charles Keyes of Wisconsin set a new record for the biggest loop with 107 feet of rope. There were plenty of the old masters present to compete and help teach the youngsters. I’ll tell you more about other competitions next week, along with solutions to the fuel supply and Claremore’s problem with railroad grade crossings.

I also wanted to try my hand at rain-making. This part of the country is in a 5-year drought equal to the one in the early 1930s that led to the Dust Bowl. The only reason you don’t see dust blowing to the East Coast is they have learned to not plow up the land like they used to. And there’s more land planted in grass for cattle.

Lakes and ponds are low, some are dry. If you’re wondering if I brought any rain, no, just a light shower today. Maybe enough to fill a few mud puddles and give the grass a slight boost, but no relief to the farmer.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“They sent the Indians to Oklahoma. They had a treaty that said, “You shall have this land as long as grass grows and water flows.” It looked like a good treaty, and it was till they struck oil. Then the Government took it away from us again. They said “The treaty only refers to Water and Grass; it don’t say anything about oil.” WA #267, Feb. 5, 1928

“Now they have moved the Indians [again] and they settled the whole thing by putting them on land where the grass won’t grow and the water won’t flow.” Radio, April 27, 1930

#405, April 17, 2006

COLUMBUS: With all the pestilence you’re putting up with this week, I ain’t gonna contribute any more to worry about. When it’s 100 degrees on Tax Day in Stillwater, Oklahoma, and old Generals are putting the heat on Mr. Rumsfeld, I’ve got the good sense to turn the whole situation over to Comedy.

Gill Gross filled in for Paul Harvey on ABC Radio this morning, and he ended his story on income taxes by quoting “me”: “The Income Tax has made more liars out of the American people than Golf has.” WA #17, April 8, 1923

April is National Humor Month. Now that’s a laugh: the man who named it must’ve paid his taxes in March.

Here are a few light-hearted comments, at random, from the archives to cheer up your morning.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

Of late all I am asked is: “Who writes your stuff and where do you get it?” And the surprising answer is: The newspapers write it! All I do is to get all the papers I can carry and then read all that is going on and try to figure out the main things that the audience has just read, and talk on that. I have found out two things. One is that the more up-to-date a subject is the more credit you are given for talking on it, even if you really haven’t anything very funny. But if it is an old subject, your gags must be funny to get over.

The first thing is the remark you make must be founded on facts. You can exaggerate and make it ridiculous, but it must have the plain facts in it. Then you will hear the audience say: “Well, that’s pretty near right.”

America’s sense of humor has taught ’em there is three things they must never take serious: a columnist on any paper, a political speech by any candidate, and a Harvard graduate if he hasn’t been out four years.

War is just like Golf. Once a fellow takes it up he won’t let nothing interfere with it.

Frank Phillips, of oil fame [Phillips 66] was out the other day, said he was going to Washington. The oil men were going to draw up a code of ethics. Everybody present had to laugh. If he had said the gangsters of America were drawing up a code of ethics, it wouldn’t have sounded near as impossible

I don’t think I ever hurt any man’s feelings by my little gags. I know I never willfully did it. When I have to do that to make a living I will quit. I may not have always said just what they would have liked me to say but they knew it was meant in good nature.

When there is no malice in your heart, there can be none shown in your homes. But between you and I there is a lot of people in this country who should never be so absent-minded as to refer to their sense of humor.

Their greatest trait – the greatest thing to recommend the Democrats is optimism and humor. You’ve got to be optimist to be a Democrat, and you’ve got to be a humorist to stay one.

You can always joke about a big Man that is really big, but don’t ever kid about the little fellow that thinks he is something, cause he will get sore. That’s why he’s little.

(Comparing Hollywood to Congress…) the place we make the Movies is called the Studio. We are a great deal alike in lots of respects. We make what we think will be two kinds of Pictures: Comedy and Drama. Now you take the Capitol at Washington. That’s the biggest Studio in the World. We call ours Pictures. They call theirs laws. It’s all the same thing. We often make what we think is Drama, but when it is shown it is received by the audience as Comedy. So the uncertainty is about equal both places. The way to judge a good Comedy is by how long it will last and have people talk about it. Now Congress has turned out some that have lived for years and people are still laughing about them.

Well all I know is just what I read in the Congressional Record. They have had some awful funny articles in there lately. As our government deteriorates, our humor increases. They been arguing over the taxes, and that give ’em a chance to get some original views on where they was going to get this two billion bucks that they were overdrawn. They have just appropriated and appropriated till they was so far in the red, that it don’t look they will hardly get out by Christmas.

Politicians amuse more people than they interest.

Everything is changing in America. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke, when it used to be visa versa.

A comedian is not supposed to be serious nor to know much. As long as he is silly enough to get laughs, why, people let it go at that. But I claim you have to have a serious streak in you or you can’t see the funny side in the other fellow.

I certainly know that a comedian can only last till he either takes himself serious or his audience takes him serious, and I don’t want either one of those to happen to me till I am dead, if then.

Get a few laughs and do the best you can.

#404, April 9, 2006

WESTON, West Va.: I read in the local daily, the Exponent-Telegram from Clarksburg, about a 4-H Club working to clean up the grounds at Veteran Memorial Park as a service project, and that’s a mighty important service.

Then I saw on network television where high school students plan to march on Washington in support of illegal immigrants, and they want it to count as community service. See, in that particular school district they are required to contribute so many hours to the community. I don’t know about you, but if a person has some proposed activity, and he feels the need to ask if it’s a community service, then it ain’t.

On the Immigration bill, Congress is deadlocked and can’t act. I think we could help this thing along if 11 million Americans would buy a one-way ticket to Mexico, leave their credit cards and bank account at home, go to work and live off the land. Any excess cash they make they could send home to relatives in the states. Why, it wouldn’t be a month before their president would call Washington offering kind of an Immigrant Exchange. Don’t be surprised if President Bush says, “Vincente, I think we’ll just keep the ones we’ve got. And good luck to you, teaching those 11 million to speak Spanish.” Of course it ain’t gonna happen. Nobody wants to move from here to Mexico. But if certain ones did, we would gladly count it as community service.

Congress grabbed onto another hot potato: leaking top secret classified information. It’s hot in Washington, but beyond the Beltway, as they say, nobody much cares. See, the argument isn’t over whether to leak secret information. The argument is over who gets to do the leaking. Congress says they should have the honor, but the Administration says, No, they’re our secrets, and if anybody gets to spill the beans, it should be us.

Well, onto things that are important across the country; the weather didn’t wait till Hurricane season to wreak havoc on us. Just this week we’ve had tornados in Tennessee, floods in California and North Dakota, wildfires in Texas. There’s deep snow in Oregon, but not in Montana where the glaciers are melting. Florida is taking advantage of bad weather elsewhere, “Visit Florida. We provide the sunshine, but if you want insurance, bring your own because there’s none left here.”

Phil Mickelson won the Masters again. He and Tiger Woods are kinda passing the Green Jacket back and forth among themselves.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“This is income tax paying day. No two can agree on what is deductible. When it’s made out you don’t know if you are crook or martyr. It’s made more liars out of the American people than golf.” DT #822, March 15, 1929

April 1, 2006

COLUMBUS: All I know is what I read in the newspaper, and 11,000,000 illegal immigrants have knocked every other story off the front page. They are mostly Mexicans, and curiously, President went to Cancun, Mexico, this week to meet with President Vincente Fox. Mr. Bush came home smiling, because the entire meeting was in Spanish and he didn’t know any more when he left than he did before he got there. Tonight they rounded up an interpreter who not only understands Spanish but also diplomacy. It seems that what Mr. Fox promised was to keep sending 3 or 4 million Mexicans a year across our border, just as long as they keep sending back home at least $20 Billion a year. It may not be a good plan, but at least they will work. We sure won’t get any immigrants from France looking for work. Those young French students want a job, a guaranteed job, but not if there is any work attached to it.

I know it is April 1, but the following story is the absolute truth, and nothing but the truth.

Once upon a time, a nation prospered in peace and affluence for many years. But trouble lay just across the border. The neighboring land was filled to the bursting point and the people eyed the vast inviting lands with envy. For a few years a small number of “intruders” would sneak across the boundary, and the government forcibly evicted them. But many managed to stay, legally or otherwise, and more would inevitably follow.

Before long the intruders were swarming into the nation. Some were there legitimately as employees, but others came surreptitiously and each claimed a piece of the foreign land as their own. They didn’t pay for it, just squatted on it. A significant number of the intruders were wanted criminals who crossed the border to escape arrest.

Finally, an irritated prominent local citizen wrote a letter to his national leader. “Are we powerless to enforce our own laws? Are we to submit to such great wrongs by these men who are not citizens? Our laws are not enforced. Men are hauling away our cattle in open violation of the law and the sheriff knows it. Timber is being cut and taken away while the sheriff watches. How in the world can we hold up as a nation when our officers don’t respect the law and the oath they have taken to uphold the law.”

About two years later a small portion of the nation relented and sold, for a pittance, a significant section of land, which was turned over to the intruders. Instead of appeasing the intruder population it only created more pressure on the nation to open its borders.

The biggest business in the nation lobbied relentlessly to allow even more intruders. They saw an expanding intruder population as essential to economic growth in the nation.

Ok, any idea yet where this “nation” is? Here comes a hint. Seeing the looming conflict in this particular nation, the U. S. Congress jumped into the fray, led by a Senator from Massachusetts. After much rhetoric and debate Congress made a decision: they came down firmly on the side of the Intruders.

How could this be? Even the Senator from Massachusetts admitted that the nation was prosperous, “Although a tiny number of individuals control about one-seventh of the nation’s wealth (land) there is not a family in the entire nation without a home. There is not a pauper in the nation, and the nation does not owe a single dollar.” Now who could ask for more than that? But somehow this was not good enough to keep this nation intact and protected from Intruders. Congress created a Commission to negotiate with a delegation of representatives from the nation. One of those representatives was the “prominent local citizen” quoted above. He became exasperated at the delegation’s inability to reach a consensus on what their position should be. Five years after the U.S. government got involved, and all the negotiating was over with, Congress passed the Curtis Act, abolishing the laws of this “nation” and mandating that all land be divided up equally among its citizens.

The end of a nation as we knew it occurred in 1898. The Senator from Massachusetts was Henry Dawes, head of the Dawes Commission. The Intruders were mainly from Kansas and Arkansas. The big business encouraging the Intruders was the Missouri Pacific Railroad, which built a line through the nation in 1889. The “nation” was the Cherokee Nation, part of Indian Territory which in 1907 became the state of Oklahoma. The “prominent local citizen” (who also helped write the state constitution for Oklahoma), was Clem Rogers, father of Will Rogers.

To quote another Oklahoman, Paul Harvey: And now you know the rest of the story.

Let’s hope the story does not repeat itself. I prefer reading my newspaper in English.

(My source for the story is Ben Yagoda’s biography of Will Rogers, a wonderful, detailed book published in 1993.)

# 402, March 26, 2006

COLUMBUS: The college basketball tournament took a peculiar bounce. Anybody that put money on George Mason for the Final Four, I want to hear from you. They’re in there with Louisiana State and Florida and a team that used to consider this annual championship their birthright, UCLA.

Two weeks ago I facetiously picked Duke to win it all. None of the other No.1 seeds got in either. Coach K has invited the other three (Memphis, Connecticut, and Villanova) to a little round-robin of their own next weekend in Durham. There’s no trophy, but he promised the coach of the winning team a new Chevy.

We’ve got 11 Million illegal immigrants living here, and about 10 Million of ’em were out marching this weekend. A lot of ’em were in California carrying Mexican flags, but did you notice, not a one of them was marching south. They may wave the flag, but they know which side of the border they want to be on when they do the waving.

They say America should welcome them with open arms (and open wallets) because in this country “Everybody is an immigrant”. Well, everybody marching may be an immigrant, but let me remind you of something I uttered a few years ago, “My ancestors never came over on the Mayflower, but they met the boat.” “Now I hope my Cherokee blood is not making me prejudiced. I want to be broad-minded, but I am sure that it was only the extreme generosity of the Indians that allowed the Pilgrims to land. Suppose we reversed the case. Do you reckon the Pilgrims would have ever let the Indians land? Yeah, what a chance! What a chance! The Pilgrims wouldn’t even allow the Indians to live after the Indians went to the trouble of letting ’em land.” (Radio, 1935)

I know they mean well, most of ’em, and we need a bunch of good workers to immigrate every year to make up for the lack of good workers among the ones already here. But let us figure out how many we need and let ’em in legal. Not just how many, but what skills they need. Bill Gates says he needs to bring in 10,000 computer engineers from China and pay ’em $100,000 a year. The only way to get them here now is to fly them to Mexico City and sneak ’em across the river at El Paso.

If a rancher plants the best grass seed and spreads generous amounts of fertilizer so his cattle have the best pastures in the county, it don’t mean the neighbors can rightly cut his fences and put their cattle in where they can graze along side the owner’s.

If you happened to be in a different part of Los Angeles on Saturday, away from the marching, you might have noticed the Will Rogers State Park up at Pacific Palisades got a face lift. Kinda like Phylis Diller, the old home place has been restored to look like it did in 1935. And it probably cost about the same. There’s a lot of the 180 acres still in need of some work (as any farmer can tell you, the work is never done), but I hope you stop in for a visit the next time you’re in California.

The Los Angeles Times wrote a wonderful story and you can read it at:

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-will21mar21,0,5374019,full.story?coll=la-home-local

Also here is another story, about son Jim’s barn at the ranch: http://www.parks.ca.gov/?page_id=24149

Yours,

“Will”